meddling MIL following late husband

[GoldenHammer]

This year, I really wanted things to feel more positive, but I’m finding it hard — especially when it comes to my in-laws, and more specifically, my mother-in-law.
My husband died in an accident about two years ago. For a while, I was attending group therapy, which helped at the time. But eventually, it started to feel like we were just going over the same things again and again. Personally, I think grief can either become a part of your growth or it can consume you. At some point, I felt like if I kept going, I’d end up running one of the support groups myself, like it had become my whole identity.

That’s not to say I want to forget the happy years I had with my husband — far from it. But I also don’t want to live under a constant black veil of mourning for the rest of my life.

The problem is, my mother-in-law is still deeply in it. She’s really struggling, and honestly, I find it emotionally exhausting. Every time she calls, we end up reliving everything again. I can’t even share anything remotely positive without it being shut down or made to feel inappropriate. For example, I recently took my son abroad, just the two of us — something that felt like a step forward, our version of a new normal — and she said, “Oh, I wouldn’t have gone away just yet. You’re probably not ready.”

When she visits, she insists that I put back up a particular photo we used at the funeral. I still have plenty of photos of my husband around — that’s not the issue — but that one is heavy for me. I don’t want it to be the first thing I see every morning. She’ll talk about how it’s too soon to move on, how we can’t forget — and I just find myself shutting down around her.

It sounds harsh, but I just want some lightness in my life again. She constantly brings the energy back to a very morbid place, and I’m trying to build something hopeful for myself and my son. I’ll never forget my husband. He was a huge part of my life. But I also can’t live forever in a space of mourning.

Lately, I’ve found myself avoiding her — not because I don’t care, but because I genuinely dread the conversations.

Am I being unreasonable? Or is it okay for me to ask her — gently but firmly — to back off a little and let me live the life I’m trying to rebuild?

Yanbu at all, op. You deserve to feel okay and even happy. It doesn't mean you don't love your husband.

I’m so sorry for your loss. You are absolutely not being unreasonable. If she needs to grieve in a more all consuming way that’s her choice, but she doesn’t get to expect your grief to follow the same path.

I think you can say “I haven’t forgotten and never will but I need to rebuild a life for me and DS too”

YANBU at all. I think I’d be putting in a lot of distance between the two of you. Obviously still let her see her grandson, but it’s not good for your mental health being dragged backwards every time. Maybe suggest she goes to therapy herself. She’s using you as a few therapist.

YANBU
how hard for you
did she have any form of counselling ? I have no advice really except to say your grief and hers are not follows the same pathway - you’re doing your best now to move forwards and build a different life for you and your child
does she have a partner?

Grief is a horrible thing that we all experience differently.

Can you somehow say you are trying to rebuild your life for your DS, and that you need to try and make a new normal for him? That might be a bit less harsh for her to hear, or give her a new perspective?

You are not being unreasonable at all.
As others have said, perhaps she needs more therapy/counseling if she's not had any yet.

The way I phrased a similar situation I was in was that the person I had lost would not want me wallowing in grief forever more. That I remember them best when doing things I/we enjoy(ed) and make happy memories with my family. It is not disrespectful of me to live my life to the full even after they have gone.

Grief is such a hard one as everyone will experience it in a different way. Was your DH her only child? Not that it should matter as a loss is a loss but if he was, perhaps that has something to do with it.

When the time is right perhaps you can open up the discussion about how moving doesn't mean forgetting.

Good luck OP

I am so sorry for your loss 💐

I am a bereaved parent, although my children were much younger.

I will say that in the first couple of years I really did feel resentful when people moved on with their lives and I was quite an arsehole about it, although it didn't feel like it at the time.

I did appreciate the friend who made time to have a chat with me and gently explained what I was doing. I genuinely hadn't realised.

I would definitely make some time, maybe a lunch or something with just you two and explain to her how she is making you feel.

If she chooses to continue after you've had a good chat then you're well within your rights to go low/even no contact.

oh i've asked her many times to come to groups and other therapy with me, she refused every single one saying she didn't need it.

i feel bad for putting the distance in, but i just dont want to be around her anymore, Christmas was horrific, I'm not even planning on going to hers this year, especially if nothing changes.

You are not being unreasonable. You and your MIL are both grieving in different ways but she is trying to compel you to grieve her way.

She will probably never get over losing her child and that should be respected. However, she can't expect you not to move on with your life as you have a child to raise. If the only way to stop this is to see less of her, that is what you must do.

Did your DH have siblings who could support you with this?

We all mourn in different ways and I can see it's hard for both you and MIL

Firstly I am sorry for the loss of your husband.

Secondly I think you are quite right in wanting to move forwards. Unfortunately when we lose someone close to us we grieve that loss but at some point we need to make a decision to take back our own lives and move on, as hard as that may feel.

That doesn't mean forgetting your husband but refusing to live in misery anymore and wanting to make a new life for yourself with some positivity and lightness. I am pretty sure that is probably what he would want for you.

However your MIL appears to be at a different stage to you and seems to want to continue to grieve and doesn't seem to have found a way to move forwards. Remember that you are experiencing different losses here, you your Husband and her, her son.

No-one is right or wrong here but you obviously are at different stages in your grief and she is not quite at the stage that you are which must feel exhausting and frustrating for you.

She maybe doesn't realise that you are not at the same stage as her and may find it comforting to keep going over things with you as she feels that you understand her unhappiness. You are maybe the only other person that she feels knows and understands what she is feeling. But that doesn't mean that you need to become her sounding board or her emotional punchbag. Its not fair to you.

I do think that you may need to have a gentle conversation about how you are trying to rebuild your life and that by going over the past you feel unable to move forwards. I would also suggest that she seek bereavement counselling which may help her to come to terms and process the loss of her son.

You are understandably finding it difficult to move forward with your life while your MIL is holding onto your coattails and trying to drag you back into the blackness.

I know that blackness very well as I lost my own DH and as a parent you cannot stay there as your DC needs support and to live and to enjoy that life.

Your MILs actions are preventing you from doing so, and while I understand why.as she’s grieving herself, her behaviour really isn’t helping you or your child.

You will be helping both yourself and your child if you take a step back from your MIL and enable yourselves to move forward with a more positive outlook; life is short, we need to enjoy as much of it as we possibly can.

Very difficult, and I am sorry you are having to manage or her her grief and her way of grieving alongside your own.

I think it is OK to say to her that it feels as if she needs you to match her process of grieving, but that with your Ds to support you are managing your own feelings in a different way, and if she needs someone with whom to dwell on the time of his death etc than she might find that a support group for herself might help more than you can.

Just say you understand how she feels and nothing will ever be so painful and nothing will ever cause you to forget him, but you are needing to hold your own self together by coming to terms with a new future and looking for things to boost you up, and her needs at the moment re hard for you.

If you feel able to say these things with gentle honesty.

Has she sought any help or other support?

I’m so sorry for your loss. You’re not being unreasonable for wanting to try and make positive moves forward, for both you and your son. I wonder if part of the reason she talks about you not being ready to do things is because she’s scared that if you move on, and perhaps in time meet someone else or move away, then she’ll lose (some of) the contact she has with you and your son, who are the remaining links to her son? Is there a way to reassure her that she’ll always be in your son’s life whilst also explaining that you need space to let the light into both your and your son’s lives now?

So sorry for your loss. It sounds like it's been a terribly traumatic time but you are allowed to move past it. I wonder how old your DC are? Are they old enough yet that you don't have to facilitate a relationship with MIL on their behalf, allowing you to step back?

I definitely think it's okay to tell her firmly that her approach to mourning your DH is at odds with how you want you and your DC want to remember him and that, from now on, you only want to talk about his memory in a positive way. If she cannot do that, or is affronted by the suggestion, then it really is okay to take a massive step back from her.

This is a generalisation obviously but I think our generation are much more willing and accepting of counselling. I know my gran would see counselling or anything approaching "moving on" as disrespectful, shes the type that thinks mourning is a life long situation and would still be physically emotional and talk about the death of her brothers which happened 20years ago as if it was yday.

Definitely have a firm chat with her that you moving on doesnt mean forgetting him and you'll always love him but cant live life in the dark for either yourself or your sons case. I'd imagine shes lost a son (which I cant imagine anything worse tbh) and is also worried about losing a grandchild.

How often do you see her? Does she have a partner or any other children that could help?

Ask anyone here, who has lost a child, how long it took them to “get over it”

Her child died… I think she’s allowed a bit of leeway, regardless of his long it takes.

I think this is one of those times where you have to kindly, but firmly, tell her that you are grieving in your own way.

Picture: "No MIL. That photo is upsetting for me and reminds me of his funeral. In my home, I prefer these photos that remind me of our happy times."

Re trip: "I appreciate you're not ready. It felt right for us and we really enjoyed it."

What did your MIL say when you told her all of this?

She 100% is. But she can't impose HER level of grieving on OP. It's okay for her not to be ready, or even for her to want to talk about her son with OP - the one person who might understand. But it's NOT okay for her to tell OP how to grieve.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

But, i think its amazing that you want light in your life and want to move on.

Your need to have an honest conversation with your MIL and tell her she is bringing darkness, when you want and need light for yourself and child. You will never forget him and will always love him, but you have to move on x

16 nearly 17 and quite independent with their thoughts and feelings so I'm not facilitating the relationship any more.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, how awful. I wonder if, subconsciously I'm sure, she's finding the concept of you healing difficult because it means you're moving on. Which you have to do, of course, but perhaps she fears she will lose you and her grandchild too, especially if you were to meet someone else one day and build a new life. I imagine she's fearful of this, and so is trying to hold onto the grief so the world doesn't move on without her son in it.

I wonder if you could somehow reassure her that her role in your and your child's life will never change, but that it's unhealthy for you to stay grieving. Her grief timeline might not be the same as yours obviously, but hopefully she can find a way of understanding that and you can find a way to support each other in the different stages that you're in.

Your MIL lost her son, no parent should outlive their child, she is obviously still grieving and it doesn’t sound it’s got any easier for her yet. That being said you are more than in your rights to say something to her and ask her gently to back off a little and let you try rebuild your life for yourself and your sons sake. If she mentions the funeral photo I would just have to say to her it’s to much to have that one displayed and point out you have other photos but that one feels different.