meddling MIL following late husband

[GoldenHammer]

This year, I really wanted things to feel more positive, but I’m finding it hard — especially when it comes to my in-laws, and more specifically, my mother-in-law.
My husband died in an accident about two years ago. For a while, I was attending group therapy, which helped at the time. But eventually, it started to feel like we were just going over the same things again and again. Personally, I think grief can either become a part of your growth or it can consume you. At some point, I felt like if I kept going, I’d end up running one of the support groups myself, like it had become my whole identity.

That’s not to say I want to forget the happy years I had with my husband — far from it. But I also don’t want to live under a constant black veil of mourning for the rest of my life.

The problem is, my mother-in-law is still deeply in it. She’s really struggling, and honestly, I find it emotionally exhausting. Every time she calls, we end up reliving everything again. I can’t even share anything remotely positive without it being shut down or made to feel inappropriate. For example, I recently took my son abroad, just the two of us — something that felt like a step forward, our version of a new normal — and she said, “Oh, I wouldn’t have gone away just yet. You’re probably not ready.”

When she visits, she insists that I put back up a particular photo we used at the funeral. I still have plenty of photos of my husband around — that’s not the issue — but that one is heavy for me. I don’t want it to be the first thing I see every morning. She’ll talk about how it’s too soon to move on, how we can’t forget — and I just find myself shutting down around her.

It sounds harsh, but I just want some lightness in my life again. She constantly brings the energy back to a very morbid place, and I’m trying to build something hopeful for myself and my son. I’ll never forget my husband. He was a huge part of my life. But I also can’t live forever in a space of mourning.

Lately, I’ve found myself avoiding her — not because I don’t care, but because I genuinely dread the conversations.

Am I being unreasonable? Or is it okay for me to ask her — gently but firmly — to back off a little and let me live the life I’m trying to rebuild?

What is your child’s relationship like with his parental grandparents?

This.

And of course its OK. You shouldn't have to "conform" to someone else's idea of correct mourning behaviour. You do You.

It sounds like you are ready to move forward with your DS... and she's dragging you back down again.

YANBU

I'm sorry for your loss OP

how difficult for you OP. She may be holding tight to your 'grief' trying to keep you in that state so she doesn't feel so alone. It must be very scary for her to think that you will move into a different emotional space.

Have you had a real heart to heart with her? even perhaps with a mutual friend or relative there to support? tell her you will never stop loving him, always be there to talk about the memories but you cannot be held in a specific state of grieving - you are going to laugh, to travel, to connect to move forward etc.

Kindly , I think you need to put some distance between you for both of your sakes and I say this because I’m your MIL (not literally) I just mean I’m the mum who lost her child and losing a child DOES consume your whole life and it doesn’t get easier , I’m just about 7 years in and those early years I’m pretty sure I isolated everyone and myself with the person i became after my daughter died it was pure darkness for a long time before I could even look at pictures with a smile watch her videos with a laugh it was awful for me and everyone around me . It was probably after the 3/4 year mark that I became self aware enough to realise I was dragging everyone down with me and I had to pull myself together, I had a major breakdown at year 5 and sought some mental support and I’m on the right path now but the reason I advise you to distance yourself is because as a mother this isn’t going to get better for her especially as it’s still so recent a child loss no matter what age is like no other and we never get over it , we are forced into a life we never asked for our worlds change beyond recognition and we join a journey no one wants to be a part of its soul destroying and it doesn’t get easier and has the potential to ruin relationships I know because I have lived it and I am still living it sadly , in your case you need the freedom to move forward now with your child and not feel resentment towards MIL which could happen if you don’t create some distance, of course this will come with some feeling of guilt and other emotions but sometimes it’s for the best for all involved, MIL is only thinking of it from her perspective right now which is sad but understandable and as selfish as that seems it’s what we grieving parents do when we are in the thick of it 🦋 I’m so sorry for your loss and I hope I haven’t offended with my view point I just wanted to give a grieving mothers version of what’s happening but also letting you know that distance is probably the right call for you because things with MIL won’t change not for the foreseeable anyway . Whatever you decide good luck going forward to you all 🌷

Have you told her he was emotionally abusive to you Op?

Neither of you are wrong and how you deal with it is entirely personal. I can see both sides. Could you perhaps explain to her that although it might seem as though you are moving on - you have to focus on your child and although you will never forget your husband - you and you are sure he would want your child to thrive and it will be difficult for them to do that if all anyone does is focus on their loss.
Maybe when she says something is too soon - you could say - it might seem that way but I have to think of x too and I don't want his memories to solely be of the adults around him permanently in grief.
As for the picture I would be honest and say this picture has negative connotations for me now because I associate it with the funeral and I much prefer to have the others which have happier memories - you are entitled to have whatever photos you want - even if he hadn't died - your house - your choice.

i mean this wouldnt be coming out the blue i have mentioned it, its just she gets very upset about it all so i relent because i hate being the "bad guy"

one example,

MIL whys that photo down again
ME; you know it upsets me
MIL: where is it, let me put it back up for you, its ok to be upset

if i dont find said picture she will cry and get all emotional

Op you need to sit your mother down and have a serious chat about some of the feelings you have about your late husband’s behaviour abuse towards you

You could gently at this point tell her 'it's ok to be upset'?

You.. I don’t want it up MI l. I like the pictures we have of him that are already out. mIL we all grieve in different ways and you are making me feel worse. I love him and won’t forget him but I want to do things my own way. You understand that don’t you?

It sounds like the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree

Are you on the right thread? It’s her MIL and I’ve not spotted any mention of abuse?

Neither one of you are unreasonable. I don't believe she is purposely trying to bring you down. If you've not lost a child how would you know how to feel. A parent will always grieve for their child, a spouse will inevitably move on.

Can you give her the photo to take home? Next time it comes up

MIL whys that photo down again
ME; you know it upsets me
MIL: where is it, let me put it back up for you, its ok to be upset
ME: Here let me get it for you. I can see that it means a lot to you and I want you to have it. I have this one that makes me smile when I see it.

But otherwise yes it’s ok to pull back from her. It’s ok to not let her draw you into grief. And it’s ok to be happy and to live your life.

ETA… wrong word

I was on the other thread a few days ago

the late husband was profoundly emotionally abusive to the OP

I wonder if you need someone to help facilitate this transition. I think you would be fine to hold your ground. It's terribly difficult and I wouldn't be surprised if there is some fallout. Hopefully you can move beyond it in time.

Your grief shouldn't have to be on her terms. I understand some arguments just aren't worth the fallout, especially as it doesn't sound like she takes a gentle no as an answer, nor does she seem to respect your wishes when it comes to the photo. It wasn't appropriate of her to say you shouldn't have taken your son on a trip. She can think it, but she shouldn't say it. Even then, it's sad that she feels this way. She should have been happy for her grandchild. You have a responsibility to your child and it sounds like you are doing the best you can in a difficult situation to still make his life as normal as possible, and that should absolutely include some happy experiences.

While I have sympathy for your MIL, she is not helping herself or you. I would absolutely distance myself from MIL at this point. You have to consider your mental health and your son's best interest.

Oh… one additional thought. Don’t feel like you have to mange her grief. You don’t have to sit her down and make it a big thing. You don’t have to get her into counseling, ease a transition, or anything else.

She’s grieving and his mother yes and that’s hard. But you’re not responsible for her emotional state

I've just read that thread. That makes it even worse that her MIL is trying to make OP put her late husband on a pedestal and settle for a life of permanent mourning for a man who emotionally abused her.

He would not let her have her own life and friends when he was alive and now MIL is trying to stop her moving on,

Gosh, that sounds incredibly hard. But by sticking to your boundaries, you’re not being the bad guy. Don’t relent. You have made a decision to move forward in your grief, she isn’t there yet and may never get there.

Is your FIL still around? Or anyone else who could support your position and help her try and be more positive around you? She needs to learn to put a brave face on around you otherwise she risks losing you and probably your DS too.

Exactly

op if you want proper advice to this issue, the fact your late husband was abusive can’t be swept under the table

I'd not have her in my home anymore, meet up if necessary somewhere out and about but keep your home your and your sons safe space, perhaps think about decorating.

She is perfectly entitled to grieve her own way but she absolutely can not and should not be forcing that upon yourself.

It sounds to me like she needs you more than you need her. You're entitled to deal with your grief with what works for you. Not to be held back from moving on because she isn't ready. Does she have a husband or other adult children? I would be completely honest with her and say that as much as it pains you to say it, you feel her constant misery and wanting you to conform to her idea of how you should grieve, is detrimental to your emotional well being and that of your sons. When you yourself feel that you want to move on and be happy and free of grief, then you have successfully mourned the loss of your husband and no one should try to pull you back down to that black hole of grief. Whatever photographs or memories you have in your house is your business. She oversteps the boundaries of MIL. For your own sake you need to stay away from her until she can manage her own grief without dragging you down too. It's sad, but she needs professional help to overcome this.

Whelp… that new info may change my answers… but on the other hand maybe not so much. Not sure if I’ll read the other thread… so will leave this here.

Do what you need to do for you and your kids. Let MIL sort herself out.