meddling MIL following late husband

[GoldenHammer]

This year, I really wanted things to feel more positive, but I’m finding it hard — especially when it comes to my in-laws, and more specifically, my mother-in-law.
My husband died in an accident about two years ago. For a while, I was attending group therapy, which helped at the time. But eventually, it started to feel like we were just going over the same things again and again. Personally, I think grief can either become a part of your growth or it can consume you. At some point, I felt like if I kept going, I’d end up running one of the support groups myself, like it had become my whole identity.

That’s not to say I want to forget the happy years I had with my husband — far from it. But I also don’t want to live under a constant black veil of mourning for the rest of my life.

The problem is, my mother-in-law is still deeply in it. She’s really struggling, and honestly, I find it emotionally exhausting. Every time she calls, we end up reliving everything again. I can’t even share anything remotely positive without it being shut down or made to feel inappropriate. For example, I recently took my son abroad, just the two of us — something that felt like a step forward, our version of a new normal — and she said, “Oh, I wouldn’t have gone away just yet. You’re probably not ready.”

When she visits, she insists that I put back up a particular photo we used at the funeral. I still have plenty of photos of my husband around — that’s not the issue — but that one is heavy for me. I don’t want it to be the first thing I see every morning. She’ll talk about how it’s too soon to move on, how we can’t forget — and I just find myself shutting down around her.

It sounds harsh, but I just want some lightness in my life again. She constantly brings the energy back to a very morbid place, and I’m trying to build something hopeful for myself and my son. I’ll never forget my husband. He was a huge part of my life. But I also can’t live forever in a space of mourning.

Lately, I’ve found myself avoiding her — not because I don’t care, but because I genuinely dread the conversations.

Am I being unreasonable? Or is it okay for me to ask her — gently but firmly — to back off a little and let me live the life I’m trying to rebuild?

What your MIL needs to understand is that although you both lost the same person, your loss was different because of your respective relationships. You can’t be expected to experience it in the same way.

She needs to engage with counselling that will address the loss of an adult child, which is very different from the loss of a spouse or partner.

I think you need to spell this out to her, and also say that you feel you are beginning to be able to move on but can see that doing so might be difficult for her to accept.

Yes you are right in that it's not OP responsibility, but I meant the transition of their relationship, but looking at the context, it would seem to be that the late DH was controlling and manipulative... and he learned that from his mother.

Have a friend who went through something similar, children similar ages, too.
Her grief was raw but as the family knew her DH was dying, they had some preparation. He was a lovely, lovely guy and did tell her when the time was right, he hoped she’d meet someone knew.
A couple of years in and she started to feel like you. Bear in mind she’d nursed her husband for seven years before he died. She did meet someone, they are very happy and are getting married. The kids adore him.
I am not sure how she copes with the parents, who are still very much grieving, but I think after a while she learned to set clear boundaries.
No matter how raw her grief is she cannot come into your home and dictate what photos you have up.
I am sure your husband would not have wanted his children living under such a dark cloud.
If MIL wants to grieve in her own home that is her choice. But you don’t need to sit in it any more and neither do your children.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP, and can understand your need to make a new normal for you and your son.

I always try to put myself in the other person’s shoes, in order to understand how they might be feeling.

So, if you thought your son’s wife was moving on with her life too quickly, how would you be feeling about the loss of the person you gave birth to?

I have lost my husband too, but if my son died, I know I would be devastated. It’s just not the right order of things.

You’re absolutely justified in explaining that your life didn’t ‘end’ when you DH died, nor did your child’s. While it must be absolutely devastating, the world continues turning around those who are grieving. Next time with the photo ‘no, I choose not to have it on display and we’ve discussed this before. It’s my home so I don’t want something up that’s upsetting, I much prefer other photos of DH’ etc

You both have every right to grieve in your own way, @GoldenHammer, and neither if you is wrong in what you are feeling or how you are feeling it. But your MIL doesn’t have the right to insist that you must feel the same way as her, and you must grieve the same way as her.

One thing I am absolutely sure of, as a parent, is that, if one of my sons died, I would want their partner and children to build a new, happy life, whenever it felt right for them to do so. Even if I was still mired deep in grief, I would want them to be happy - because I know that’s what my son would want.

I am sorry you are having to go through this, and I hope this thread gives you the comfort that you are doing the right thing for yourself and your son, and you have every right to do so.

Is there someone who could talk to your MIL for you, and explain to her that you will always love your late husband, and miss him, and that the depart that you are doing things like going on holiday doesn’t negate this, but that you and your son need to start rebuilding your lives. You will always be there for her, but you need her to understand that you need her support too, and that means her understanding what you are doing and why, and accepting that you are grieving as much as each other, just differently.

You're not being at all unreasonable OP. Grieving a child is not the same as grieving a spouse. You are still young and have a child of your own and need to find ways to keep the two of you as happy and as involved in life as is possible.
Sadly your MIL may be a long time getting to the stage when she is ready to enjoy things again, and you are her companion in grief so she wants to keep you with her. With all possible compassion you need to tell her that the things which help her are not always the things that help you, and that you must follow your own path.

It's time to cut the rope with MIL. Your children don't need you to facilitate their relationship with her, you don't want to be her support network and there is no reason you should. You've both lost the same person but the relationship was completely different and you don't owe her your ongoing support - especially since she wants to dictate how you grieve and the relationship history with LH was complicated.

She’s clinging onto you/the photo in the same way that Queen Victoria clung to Princess Beatrice. For 40 years. Just as it was damaging for Beatrice, her refusal to let you/your son do anything other than mourn, is damaging to you both. Time to make some fun new memories with DC—they’ve had a hard enough time as it is. Don’t allow her to continue to do a Queen Victoria on you.

Nobody is asking the MIL to 'get over it'. The OP herself doesn't say she's got over it, only that she's handling her grief in a way that feels more healthy for her and, importantly, her son.

Ultimately, the MIL can grieve in her own way. If she prefers to be consumed by it and feels that her life can never move forward and that there is no room for happiness now, that is entirely up to her. It is not, however, fair for her to try and impose that form of grieving on to the OP or to use the OP as the sounding board for her misery. This isn't about asking anyone to 'get over' the death of a much-loved husband and son. It's simply about recognising that the OP and her child still have a life to leave. The MIL should not be telling the OP it was wrong to take her own child on holiday and neither should she be demanding the OP puts up a specific photograph that she happens to find distressing, or forcing her to relive the details of her husband's accident during every visit.

OP I have just read your other thread. I'm sorry but your husband was abusive to you. It's no wonder that you and your MIL are grieving differently.

I think a clean break is needed. She has no right to be dictating what photos you have in your house, where you go on holiday, or anything else.

Your MIL lost her DS and she can't get past that yet which is to be expected.The trouble is she expects your grief to be as profound as hers, no doubt she hates any sign that you're moving on because she can't accept that your grief is abating, worse still that you might find another man to replace her DS.
Be kind to her Op but firm, you're still young and your life can't stand still forever.

It sounds like she definitely does need counselling. I would try again to have a conversation with her again, would your children be able help? If that fails, perhaps write to her explaining that you and the children need to move forward but you may have to accept she is probably not and may never be ready.

I think you just let her be upset. I know how hard it is to see someone be upset and not try to fix it, but it can easily become a way to control someone and a situation (I have experienced this with my mother). You aren't responsible for her grief and you don't have to manage it. So if she gets upset, offer her a tissue, a seat, a cup of tea, but don't turn off your own feelings and needs to appease her. It will be hard at first, both for you and for her, but after the initial hump hopefully things will be easier between you.

OP, the way you have explained yourself in your posts shows you are thoughtful and kind; and I think that you could probably explain to her the same way you have to us. Especially about how you are making a 'new normal' for yourself and your family. And you would love to be able to share the next part of you and your children's life with her; so she also needs to take steps to change her behaviour. Tell her that funeral picture is never going up again; but the pictures that are fun and loving will always be there.

It's kind of a unhappy circle isn't it; if she's so negative her grandchildren will pull away from her- which will then add to her pain. But she's refuses to see any other way forward, which means they (and you) pull away. Good luck OP.

You are ALLOWED to be happy.

You do not need her permission to be happy again.

At this point, you perhaps need to start saying this, even if she doesn't like it. Because she actively trying to stop you from living.

Others have mentioned these, I know, but two key points from me:

• Her son would surely have wanted you and his son to be happy

• You are both mothers, but your son is alive and you need to live your lives with happiness. Surely she would want to do the same if her son were still alive. Life is precious and short

I think a gentle chat then maybe put some distance between you. She has no right to put pictures up that upset you, no right to tell you how to grieve

Sorry not sure what you're saying to me. We both agree it's a generalisation? Is that it?

My MIL was like this when my husband died. She wouldn’t attend the funeral and didn’t see our kids for months after. She was appalled that I went back to work four weeks later.

I kind of get where your MIL is coming from, to a certain extent. You lost your husband and she lost her son. For my MIL, it’s was the sense of his death not being the natural order of things, especially with her being in her eighties. It took a lot of talking - with some harsh words unfortunately being said - to get her to understand that I wasn’t “leaving him behind.”

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Her grief timeline is not yours and it's unfair of her to impose hers on you. In a way, she's trying to keep things from changing and keep you stuck where you were and she is. You recognize that's not healthy for you or your kids.

It sounds like it's time to pull back a bit from her and grey rock. Be busy, don't share your plans, and so on. If she keeps it up, it might be time for her to see her GP and seek out some mental health assistance. If she starts crying when you won't do what she wants like put the photo back up, say something like I see you're too upset to stay, we'll see you another time and escort her out. Spread out the time between her visits a bit longer each time.

You keep your home how you want. I wouldn't want a picture that was used at my husband's funeral either. We have pictures from happy family times and the flag that was draped on his casket.

You are right you do need to move on and you're being so strong to do so and manage to get away on holiday. If she was my mother in law I'd say 'I need to talk about moving forward with our lives, mother in law, 2 years seems such a short time but it's already one eighth of ds's life. I worry that he needs a positive mum and grandma so that he can survive this, and grow up as a wonderful balanced young man that dh would wish for. That is the reason that I've pushed us into going on holiday, and making wonderful happy memories together. I cannot let our mourning and sadness crush all happiness out of lives. I don't want to forget DH, but I want to remember the happy times and not just his death and our pain. I think we owe it to him to live a wonderful happy life together, just as he had hoped for us. And for that reason I can't have his funeral photograph up in the house, it reminds me of the funeral and not his life, so I'm replacing it with this happy one of us together, which is the way I remember him. Going forward I want us to try and celebrate happy things we do together and small steps forward. I'm worried about you and how you're coping. '
It's an incredibly painful thing for you all to go through, but your husband would want you all to live a happy life. She sounds depressed and in need of support from a doctor, it must be so painful to lose a child.
It may fall on deaf ears but it may not. I'd follow up with booking in an afternoon outing with her and DS to do something that none of you have done before, new happy memories.

I think she sees you as her therapy, that's why she doesn't think she needs anything else. I'm not sure how you get her to move on from that position. Maybe insist she come with you to a group, then drop out yourself?

I can see from this interaction that it is difficult to influence your MIL.

I agree with everyone that if possible it would be best to have a heart to heart with her about how you are feeling.

I also think you should practice gently flipping around her comments to show her your perspective. Even if you can't think of a reply at the time think about your perspective so you can become more confident in your perspective next time. I think it might be a good mental exercise for you to reinforce that your perspective is valid.

For example MIL saying you're "not ready" to go abroad with your son:
-Young GH is growing up - he won't be 17 again - if I delay he will be an adult and I might have missed the chance to holiday with him.

• I am ready to start making new memories. That doesn't mean I will forget Mr GH.
• Young GH has lost his dad so now I have to give him the experiences that his dad would want him to have.

When MIL says "We mustn't forget etc"

• I will never forget Mr GH but I do need to start living my life again. He would want me to.
• Mr GH would not want me or his son to be unhappy. He would want us to try to be happy again - and that is what I will try to do.

-We'll never forget but we also need to live out lives in the here and now.

If your MIL can't adapt to the fact that you are trying to rebuild your life then I totally understand you needing to reduce contact. Your priority has to be to rebuild your life and support your son.

YANBU and I think it would be a good idea to take a big step back from her for a while. What she's doing isn't healthy and you are entitled to move forward and live your life positively and look for joy.

If she can't, you don't have to stay 'in that place' with her, but you might have to be blunt if she continually won't drop it and continually tries to 'force' you to live the way she is: in the past.

I'd make it clear that if the reverse had happened, and he had survived you, that you'd be terribly saddened to think that he had stopped living and wasn't moving on with his life, not only for himself, but for your children. And you have zero doubt that he'd want the same for you.

You answer “it is ok to be upset, but we are trying to move on with our lives and have a more positive approach now. Of course we’ll never forget him and we don’t want to, but we want to focus on the good memories.
Please understand we can all grieve differently and this is how we want to grieve now so please respect my wishes about the photo etc “

Then if it continues “ you know we love you so much but we find it really difficult being around you at the moment. It’s making us not want to see you, which is an awful feeling, so can we talk about dh, but in a more positive way, otherwise it’s going to affect our relationship and I certainly don’t want that if we can help it.”