meddling MIL following late husband

[GoldenHammer]

This year, I really wanted things to feel more positive, but I’m finding it hard — especially when it comes to my in-laws, and more specifically, my mother-in-law.
My husband died in an accident about two years ago. For a while, I was attending group therapy, which helped at the time. But eventually, it started to feel like we were just going over the same things again and again. Personally, I think grief can either become a part of your growth or it can consume you. At some point, I felt like if I kept going, I’d end up running one of the support groups myself, like it had become my whole identity.

That’s not to say I want to forget the happy years I had with my husband — far from it. But I also don’t want to live under a constant black veil of mourning for the rest of my life.

The problem is, my mother-in-law is still deeply in it. She’s really struggling, and honestly, I find it emotionally exhausting. Every time she calls, we end up reliving everything again. I can’t even share anything remotely positive without it being shut down or made to feel inappropriate. For example, I recently took my son abroad, just the two of us — something that felt like a step forward, our version of a new normal — and she said, “Oh, I wouldn’t have gone away just yet. You’re probably not ready.”

When she visits, she insists that I put back up a particular photo we used at the funeral. I still have plenty of photos of my husband around — that’s not the issue — but that one is heavy for me. I don’t want it to be the first thing I see every morning. She’ll talk about how it’s too soon to move on, how we can’t forget — and I just find myself shutting down around her.

It sounds harsh, but I just want some lightness in my life again. She constantly brings the energy back to a very morbid place, and I’m trying to build something hopeful for myself and my son. I’ll never forget my husband. He was a huge part of my life. But I also can’t live forever in a space of mourning.

Lately, I’ve found myself avoiding her — not because I don’t care, but because I genuinely dread the conversations.

Am I being unreasonable? Or is it okay for me to ask her — gently but firmly — to back off a little and let me live the life I’m trying to rebuild?

Everyone grieves in their own way and it sounds like she is bringing you down. I suggest you avoid her and also set boundaries.

I think it is rather unkind to call her 'meddling'.

She is obviously at a different stage with her grief amd dealing with if differently. As you may if you lost your ds.

Just have a gentle conversation with her rather than moan on here. Explain that you have to move forwards wirh your life and constantly going over everything is causing you distress. Does she have other family who may be more understanding with her?

Good luck.

I agree. My mum was a great one for bringing doom to any conversation (I think as some folk get older they can attach to things that then consume them, this must be infinitely moreso for your mil who's lost her son).

Time for some gentle boundaries. Have a shuffle round of all the photos. Put some up of just you and your son - this is your family now and no amount of grief or grieving will alter this for any of you.

There's another post today whereby a widow is asking if it's too soon to date again after 6 weeks (though her marriage was not a good one before her husband died, which makes her situation/moving on easier I suppose) but you can't be expected to stay in the same mourning fog 2 years later. You've done your counseling and are ready to move into the next stages, whilst mil sounds deep in her grief still.

I don't see why you would even think of going to hers for Christmas. Why?

Perhaps so the mil can see her grandson?

I have accidentally hit the wrong poll button

I couldn’t live like that, I am very much a “box it up and try to bury it deep down” sort of person. Because sometimes it takes compartmentalism to make it through the day after a traumatic event or loss.

and I couldn’t cope with, or enable, her behaviour.
You have a son; he needs to see that life is worth living, and it is for living.

I would keep her at arms length, and not see her for a while. I am so sorry for your loss.

I am usually No.1 MIL supporter on here, but in this instance - has this MIL thought about the impact it is having on her grandson, your husband's son!!!!! OK, she disregards you, but her grandson does not surely want to live in this sad place constantly? She is being massively unreasonable, you are not.

Yanbu.

There isn't a timetable for grief and there's no right way to do it. You need to build a more positive and joyful life for your son, so it's quite understandable that the steps you are moving through are very different than the steps that the grieving mother of your DH is going through that doesn't signify you having loved him any the less. You do what works for you and it is ok to tell her to back off

She's not allowed anything at the expense of the OP, who really doesn't owe her a thing.

Well , if you mean drop in for an couple of hours, fine, "for Christmas" usully means more than that, but the MiL seems quite capable of coming round constantly and complaining about what the OP is doing at home, so surely she can do that if she wants to see him. He being 16 can make his own decisions.

I think you can start by showing that you are in a different place mentally to her. So when she commented on your trip abroad and that you're not ready, say no, we are ready, we want to start moving on with our lives. And when she wants you to put up that photo, say no, I don't want it, it makes me sad and I want to move on from that. If you start pulling away like this, not physically but just stating that you and her are not in the same place any more, that might help her adjust. She might not like it at first, but it is something she needs to accept.

I’m not going to judge a mother who’s lost her son but it might be cards on the table time: politely stand your ground and say this is how you’re going to live your life from now on, and that it doesn’t dampen his memory to find moments of happiness.

I echo what others have said about grief being different for everyone, and there's no right or wrong way to grieve. She has lost her child, and that's so against the natural order of things. Is she with your husband's father, is he still alive? It doesn't sound like she is or that your husband has siblings?

I think she will also be desperately afraid, afraid that you'll move on, possibly even find another man, and she'll lose the only other contact with someone else who loved her son. She's trying to keep his memory going through you, her wanting to have pictures up, wanting to keep you in those raw stages of grief, not wanting you to be feeling like going on holiday, is her way of trying to ensure you don't move on and forget him.

She's probably also still feeling so dreadful that it helps her to want you to feel as dreadful as she does. Due to being older she can probably only see a future of grief for the rest of her life, and she's jealous that you're young enough to perhaps one day have a happy life.

If she does feel those things that's all normal, but the issue is she's putting all the burden on you. 2 years is no time in the grief process, she will probably improve in time, but in in the meantime perhaps you could have a gentle talk with her and say that you're both grieving in different ways for the man you both loved, and that you want to reassure her that you'll never forget him, and even though you feel up to going on holiday etc it doesn't mean you're not still feeling grief, and that it's ok to have happy times along with the sad.

Cutting all contact may work in the short term but in the longer term I think it would be a real shame to have no contact with your late husband's family.

I agree with others that holding boundaries for yourself is more than reasonable and, actually, probably essential for your and your DC’s mental health.

I would try and have a kind but candid conversation with her and offer her pointers to support groups she can turn to if she feels the need for more support. And then hold the line on the things you need - don’t put the photo up when she comes round. Make your excuses if she starts down a negative path when you’re talking. If things aren’t looking good by September make other plans for Christmas.

It’s obvious, from your posts so far, that you understand why she feels bereft. And you feel for her and want her to have support. So if you can be kind to her without derailing your own recovery or your DC’s, that’s a great path to take. But you do need to prioritize making a decent life for yourself and DC. You should not sacrifice it to her grief.

Yes it is a generalisation. I am in the "widow age band" and when I lost my husband some 10 years ago I had plenty of offers and opportunities for various support activities. I didn't go to any of them, but moved on in my own way but I know quite a few women who did and benefitted. Anyway that's by the by. I do think OP, that you should be able to have your house how you want it and run your life how you want it without having to comply with the expectations of others....and yes I get the lightness thing. The friend who helped me the most when I was grieving used to ask me to go round for wine or coffee and she'd chat about the local goss and what her kids (young adult) were up to. She never did the "how are you" with head tilt or mentioned my life but I could tell her stuff if I wanted to.
I think its going to be difficult for you but I think you do need to very very gently assert your needs and the needs of your child. And that includes putting "that" photo away. I am sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss OP, and I agree with what other posters have said, especially @Hortus

I think you need to write her a very kind hand-written letter, putting all this down.

Along these lines maybe"

You hope she knows that nothing can diminish your love for DH - you're not moving on or looking to forget him in any way. But living in the heart of the grief and sadness is beginning to impact your longterm mental health, and you're struggling. For the sake of her GD and for your own sake, you cannot risk sinking into long-term despair. You need to try and remember the joy in the life you shared with him, and to bring some of that joy back to the life you and DD are living now.

You know how raw this still is for her, but hope she can understand that you're going to try and be positive and cheerful in general, and focusing on some good things that are happening for you and DD, as well as the wonderful things that DH brought to all your lives.

Having lost a child almost killed me, I can't lie. She was a baby, I have no memories of her other than 9 months of pregnancy. I can't imagine how you move on from having loved and lost an adult child. She probably needs reassurrence that she won't lose you or her grandson and that link to her child.

You, however, have a right to choose life. You can honour your late husband and still grab your own life with both hands.

Support MIL from a distance and give yourself permission to be happy.

Sorry for your loss.

I think before distancing, you need to have an honest conversation with her to explain how her actions make you feel. Slipping back without that feels cruel as she has already lost her son, so losing you and her GC without any explanation would be awful.

Maybe sit her down and explain everything you have written here. Your need for positivity etc. Give her a chance to change and then if that doesn’t work, step back. At least she’ll know why then.

If you do decide to write (although a conversation might be better) this is a lovely letter

I think it’s time to set boundaries. Refuse to put the photo out, either gift it to her or tell her it’s away in the loft until such time that it doesn’t bring you such darkness. “This is the photo of him that brings me most joy, it takes me back to …. When we were so happy. That’s the photo I want out & it makes me smile”
It’s a different grief for a mother & it’s ok for her to grieve in her own way, but it’s ok to grieve your way too. For your son, he wants to remember the good times, of course be sad he’s not here anymore, but if you grieved the same way as mil, you’d be dragging him down too. I think as a kindness to mil, I’d avoid the words “moving on”. That could feel to her like you are trying to forget him.

Phrases like “my new normal” “navigate life without him in it” “he wouldn’t want me to be depressed & miserable forever” might be kinder?
You are entitled to some joy in your life, even if she doesn’t feel she can yet.
Any time she tries to drag you back there, remind her that grieving for a son & husband are very different and neither way is wrong.
If she still can’t accept it, then low contact, at least for a while is the only way.

You have both suffered a terrible loss and if your husband died in an accident there's the additional factor of it being a huge shock. I think posters are unfair to tell you to avoid her - she will feel that she hasn't just lost him, she's lost his family, too.

What was your relationship like with her before your husband died? What was his like?

I think I'd write her a letter and say that you remember your husband best when you're doing happy things, that you want to remember him through happiness rather than through sadness and that you want your son to be happy at home rather than sad all the time. I'd tell her that therapy helped you, as do small things like going out for a walk, having a coffee with a friend and going on holiday. I wouldn't make threats about not seeing her - and I particularly wouldn't mention Christmas - but I would say that from now on you're determined to live a more cheerful life.

I agree with this totally. Her relationship with your DC will be so important too as they will take on a real reverence in her mind given the connection to her son.
im so sorry you’re going through this and for your loss @GoldenHammer .
I do think kind but firm communication on how you’re dealing with your grief now but that doesn’t mean she will be excluded from your DC’s life is important to have.
sending you lots of strength op x

its just what we did so kept the tradition alive so grandparents can see children etc, but im not the only one who doesnt want to go, i shouldnt have to force my child to go.

i've probbly gave in too much, she gets upset so i just try and do what she asks rather than cause any arguments, but you're right.