meddling MIL following late husband

[GoldenHammer]

This year, I really wanted things to feel more positive, but I’m finding it hard — especially when it comes to my in-laws, and more specifically, my mother-in-law.
My husband died in an accident about two years ago. For a while, I was attending group therapy, which helped at the time. But eventually, it started to feel like we were just going over the same things again and again. Personally, I think grief can either become a part of your growth or it can consume you. At some point, I felt like if I kept going, I’d end up running one of the support groups myself, like it had become my whole identity.

That’s not to say I want to forget the happy years I had with my husband — far from it. But I also don’t want to live under a constant black veil of mourning for the rest of my life.

The problem is, my mother-in-law is still deeply in it. She’s really struggling, and honestly, I find it emotionally exhausting. Every time she calls, we end up reliving everything again. I can’t even share anything remotely positive without it being shut down or made to feel inappropriate. For example, I recently took my son abroad, just the two of us — something that felt like a step forward, our version of a new normal — and she said, “Oh, I wouldn’t have gone away just yet. You’re probably not ready.”

When she visits, she insists that I put back up a particular photo we used at the funeral. I still have plenty of photos of my husband around — that’s not the issue — but that one is heavy for me. I don’t want it to be the first thing I see every morning. She’ll talk about how it’s too soon to move on, how we can’t forget — and I just find myself shutting down around her.

It sounds harsh, but I just want some lightness in my life again. She constantly brings the energy back to a very morbid place, and I’m trying to build something hopeful for myself and my son. I’ll never forget my husband. He was a huge part of my life. But I also can’t live forever in a space of mourning.

Lately, I’ve found myself avoiding her — not because I don’t care, but because I genuinely dread the conversations.

Am I being unreasonable? Or is it okay for me to ask her — gently but firmly — to back off a little and let me live the life I’m trying to rebuild?

A very thoughtful and sensitively expressed post. Well said.

Sorry for your loss OP, that's really hard for you and DS. However, everyone grieves differently and MILs loss will be felt differently to how you feel the loss of your DH. You are absolutely not unreasonable to try to put a bit of distance between yourself and MIL. I would frame things you want to do as ensuring DS grows into an adult and goes on to flourish. But it's perfectly fine to do things for you too - I am sure your DH wouldn't have expected you to miss out on life, the fact that you are feeling stronger and able to do some things on your own is massively positive.

I do.

You need to sit her down and have a conversation.

She needs to understand that you cannot let grief rule you or your life any more and you must prioritise moving on in a healthy way for DS.

Tell her that your grief was consuming you and you cannot let that happen as now you are all DS has left.

Tell her that if she continues to make every phone call and visit about her grief then you are going to have to distance yourself from her for a while for the sake of your MH.

I can't imagine the pain she's in, losing her son, but she can't hold you and DS back from living your lives.

My granny was terrible in a similar situation. My mum’s elder brother died in the late 70s, leaving a wife and four children ranging in ages from 15 to 30. Granny managed to alienate the children and his widow by her attitude. She would berate the kids for laughing or going out. Obviously she had lost a son, which was terrible, but the youngest grandchild was a similar age to your ds and was not going to put life on hold. It was very sad as granny died a couple of years later with a very strained relationship with that part of the family. Everyone else in the family thought she was being unreasonable. The DIL remarried not long after she died, it turned out she had been seeing someone from about a year after my uncle died, but kept it from people because of fear of how my granny would react. I feel that being open and communicating in a scenario such as this is vital, but your husband would not want you to wallow in grief.

I don’t actually think it is that rare even these days for a parent to outlive their child. Unfortunately it happens too often.

Oh, I’m surprised they someone with children would say “never easy” about the loss of a child

@Nanny0gg sorry, where does OP say this?

Sorry if my choice of words gave an impression of a cavalier attitude. That wasn’t my intent.

There was a recent thread from OP detailing the emotional abuse from her late DH.

Previous thread that other posters mentioned

if i dont find said picture she will cry and get all emotional

This is manipulative and emotional abuse.

You have no obligation to respond to her demands in your own home.

Her bereavment may explain her distress and irrational/unreasonable demands but it never excuses it. She is having a tantrum to get her own way knowingly the distress this is causing you - very controlling.

I agree,

The previous thread from GH describes an emotionally abusive husband, so maybe he learnt this behaviour from his Mother.

@GoldenHammer - could you be firm with your MIL? Say something like:

"MIL, you know that picture causes me and ds distress. Do you want to cause us more sadness? We love you and we want to support you at this very difficult time, but we are also grieving and in need of your support in return, so please let us move through the grieving process at the right speed for us. It doesn't mean we have forgotten dh, or don't think about him - but he would want us to be happy, I'm sure. I hope you want the same for us."

" MIL, I've lost my husband, the kids have lost their dad and you've lost your son: we are all grieving differently and in our own way. I need you to let me grieve in my own house in the way that's best for me and my children. You can have whatever photos you want of DH in your own house but it's an overstep for you to try and guilt trip me in my own house about what photos I do or don't have up. If my choices are going to create this level of upset for you it might be better if you don't come here; I can come to you instead."

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. But it’s time to be firm with MIL and rip off the sticking plaster.

When she tries to impose her ideas, you have to stand your ground and don’t be afraid to continue saying NO when she uses tears to try to manipulate the situation.

You’re not responsible for her feelings, you can’t fix her grief and you have to stop trying to appease her.

You are entitled to start living your own life and if you have to step back from MIL to do that, then do it. That doesn’t make you a bad person, but someone who is trying to do the right thing for her own little family unit.

Yanbu she needs her own counselling it's ok to have boundaries

I think when you have gone through grief and know someone close with a terminal diagnosis who was healthy one day and with an end date the next you do have a different perspective on things.

you truly understand that life is short so waiting around for a year before starting a new relationship just because thats what society suggests is bonkers im my honest opinion, alot can happen in one year!

i mean before all this happened i would always be conscious about what people thought, i still am to some degree but at least i can question it now

thanks for all the replies, i'll probably write her a letter, that way she can read it in her own time and not throw some comments back at me in the moment, i dont really do well with conflict so this will probably be easier for me to at least get everything out in the open.

I was married for 40 years OP. My husband was fine one minute - no notion of anything wrong apart from a mild cough and some shoulder pain which we were told by GP was due to a trapped nerve. He collapsed one evening on the way up to bed. On arrival at hospital he was diagnosed with bilateral pneumonia and placed on a ventilator in ITU while they tried to clear the infection. A week later they did a CT scan which revealed a large tumour - inoperable because it had already spread and within ten days of being admitted he was dead.

It devastates you and at the same time focuses your mind on how short and unpredictable life can be, and that you never know what’s around the next corner. I met a man by chance in a hospital waiting room nine months after I was widowed. We got talking and became friends at first because I was in no way ready for another relationship. Within two years we were together and I lost friends because of it, but interestingly my late husbands’ sisters were supportive from the start and encouraged me to seek friendship and see where it led. You do what’s best for you. No-one else. Grief is a journey personal to you and only you can know when you’re ready to move on.