meddling MIL following late husband

[GoldenHammer]

This year, I really wanted things to feel more positive, but I’m finding it hard — especially when it comes to my in-laws, and more specifically, my mother-in-law.
My husband died in an accident about two years ago. For a while, I was attending group therapy, which helped at the time. But eventually, it started to feel like we were just going over the same things again and again. Personally, I think grief can either become a part of your growth or it can consume you. At some point, I felt like if I kept going, I’d end up running one of the support groups myself, like it had become my whole identity.

That’s not to say I want to forget the happy years I had with my husband — far from it. But I also don’t want to live under a constant black veil of mourning for the rest of my life.

The problem is, my mother-in-law is still deeply in it. She’s really struggling, and honestly, I find it emotionally exhausting. Every time she calls, we end up reliving everything again. I can’t even share anything remotely positive without it being shut down or made to feel inappropriate. For example, I recently took my son abroad, just the two of us — something that felt like a step forward, our version of a new normal — and she said, “Oh, I wouldn’t have gone away just yet. You’re probably not ready.”

When she visits, she insists that I put back up a particular photo we used at the funeral. I still have plenty of photos of my husband around — that’s not the issue — but that one is heavy for me. I don’t want it to be the first thing I see every morning. She’ll talk about how it’s too soon to move on, how we can’t forget — and I just find myself shutting down around her.

It sounds harsh, but I just want some lightness in my life again. She constantly brings the energy back to a very morbid place, and I’m trying to build something hopeful for myself and my son. I’ll never forget my husband. He was a huge part of my life. But I also can’t live forever in a space of mourning.

Lately, I’ve found myself avoiding her — not because I don’t care, but because I genuinely dread the conversations.

Am I being unreasonable? Or is it okay for me to ask her — gently but firmly — to back off a little and let me live the life I’m trying to rebuild?

in some ways, how your dh was as a husband doesn’t matter.
The reality is what’s going on now.

It’s been two years. You are allowed

• to move on and be happy if it feels right to you
• to have a new partner if you want to
• to put whatever pictures you want in your own house
• to organise Christmas your way, the way that works for you and your dcs. Not around other people’s feelings
• toput dime distance between you and her if it’s the right thing for you. As you said your dcs are old enough now to carry on seeing their gran if they wish to.
• to put boundaries up and what you’re happy to do or not.

I saw a comment somewhere saying that boundaries shouldn’t be about other people. What you’re y for them to do or not. About yourself. What is making you happy, what makes you feel safe. It doesn’t sound like your MIL is making you feel happy or safe. Rather she shows complete disrespect for you and your feelings. And that is plenty enough for you to back off.

And btw, that photo used at the funeral? Unless you or your dcs are really attached to it, I’d give it to her.

You have a responsibility to your living child. Your late DH would not want him to live in a cloud of grief. I would have your child pick out a family photo of good times including MIL and replace the funeral photo of your DH. Be firm with MIL and let her know that is important for her grandchild to remember the happy times.

Your local council may have some bereavement support services so reach out to them. I know there are some bereavement support charities and perhaps reach out to them as well. I am sure they will have resources to help you navigate your situation.

Also, is your MIL part of any faith group? Bereavement committees at churches can generally help because there will be others who have endured this grief. I am not sure about other religious communities, but I would expect since bereavement is universal, there will be some form of support.

As a pp said, it takes years to come to grips with the loss of a child, and many bereaved parents feel an irrational anger to punish the world for daring to live on after their child has died. But your child is alive and needs a happy future and just has you to create happy family moments.

I am sorry for your loss and wish you the best.

MIL whys that photo down again
ME; you know it upsets me
MIL: where is it, let me put it back up for you, its ok to be upset

I don’t want it back it, that’s why I took it down.

Why not replace the picture of something else, something happy, so she can’t swap it.

It doesn’t matter if she gets upset - she’s allowed to be - you can be the bad guy -

anyone who knows her won’t be listening anyway.

About the photograph -
Do not put it out again. It upsets you. In YOUR OWN home.

If she gets upset when she visits, that's up to her. She cannot tell you what pictures you have displayed in your home.

Reinforce that you haven't forgotten your husband - your child is a daily reminder of him irrespective of photographs - but you will not display that picture again.

Make your own arrangements for Christmas.

Having lost a parent as a young child I can tell you that your DS is not done grieving and processing. He will grieve again and again throughout the milestones in his life and his reflections and the impact will likely be more profound with an adult mind than they are now in the childs mind. My focus nd priority would be his ongoing long term MH security. If your marriage was abusive your DS's emotional development will already have been significantly compromised even if he didnt hear or see anything but by the fact that his mother could not be her full self. I am glad you through yourself into grief therapy and I hope this has given you a foundation to recover from the emotional abuse from your late husband and I hope that you have professional support here. Everyone grieves differently given so many background factors not least their relationship with the deceased. You are 100% correct to feel that your MIL is stifling you and your DSs emotional environment. Never feel bad for seeking to ensure the best emotional environment for your DS's future MH. He had so say in this to date and from my own personal experience it was the dominance of the adults overwhelming despair for years that crippled me for years rather than the actual loss of my parent. I would keep your DS from this and I would role model coping, growth, processing, personal awareness of his own inner world and needs rather than the absorption of other adults needs. I am sorry for all that you have endured but I am glad to see you are breaking through and focussing on the future of the young people here who have a longer life to navigate with less life experience. Never feel unreasonable for feeling and for your own boundaries and prioritising your DC.

Then you need to let her get upset. Just tell her again the photo upsets you and you don’t want to be upset so it’s not going up (make sure you hide it well so she can’t find it)

if she gets upset just quote back at her ‘it’s ok to be upset’ and carry on with what you were doing

I'm so sorry for you loss...

I think you're absolutely not being unreasonable.

The different life stages you're at and who your husband was to you, and tbh your personalities /resources and ages will impact on how you grieve.

Just because you go on holiday /smile doesn't mean you have forgotten. People carry their loved ones forever.

This has happened in my immediate family my bro died very young leaving small children... Some people were very judgemental about his widow.

She needs to let you grieve at your own pace and build a new normal for you and your son.

Could you write her a letter if she shuts you down irl??

I wish you a light filled future.

I don't think her son would actually...

He wanted her life to be devoted to him...

And I'm assuming MiL knew nothing about any of that

i don’t think you ever ‘get over’ the loss of a life partner, or indeed a child. But at some point you have to learn to live with it and MiL isn’t even trying from what OP has said. And she has absolutely no right to try to hold OP back from moving forward a bit and opening up her life into the light a little.

Everyone grieves in their own way and everyone experiences the loss of that same person in a different way, depending on the relationship but l don’t believe anyone’s grief trumps anyone else's. And it’s absolutely not on for MiL to insist OP put up pictures in her own home if she finds them upsetting. It really sounds as though she could benefit from some independent counselling as she can open up to someone not emotionally involved and say how she feels without fear of causing upset.

What was your relationship like with her before your DH died?

To add, having lost my DF when I was young I know firsthand how easy it is to let the grief consume you. My DF also died in an accident and my DM has never gotten over it. She has lived her life but is also still incredibly traumatised by it and I can see how much it has prevented her from living the fullest life she could have lived. You have a really positive attitude during a very difficult time and you deserve to experience all the happiness and joy in the world.

In that case I would really pull back from spending any more time with her than is absolute necessary for the sake of your mental wellbeing. It's not your job to maintain her level of grief, which is the position she seems to want you to be in constantly.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm sure your DH would want you and his DS to find some joy in life. You've done so well and your DS is your child and he needs a life. I'm sure your DH would rather you see his photos and smile or remember rather than they upset you.

I do understand that your MIL lost her child and she will never get over it. She may see you having a holiday as moving on and forgetting him which of course you are not. She is also probably clinging to you and your DS as the last pieces of her child. But you have to still live with your grief for your child and make a new life. Maybe she could spend time with your DS only to try and forge a new relationship?

You cannot have that photo up. Maybe never. You have to prioritise your own mental health.

You lost different people: she lost her son who can never be replaced.
You lost a husband who by previous posts was emotionally abusive towards you.

You can have a new partner/husband who may very well be a huge improvement on your deceased husband. So you are in different spaces and she is trying to foist her belief about who her son was on to you. I'm not sure how to move ahead with this other than to say you respect her love and feelings of loss for him as his mother but you were his wife and your experience of him was very different; you are now ready to move on. Maybe others can better suggest how you navigate this next step without burning bridges, if at all possible for the sake of their grandchild, but they need to understand you are in a very different place to them.

please make a stand - grief is not a competition, everyone grieves differently, and you clearly want to remember happy memories and move forward.

You are never going to heal this way. I know from experience how overwhelming and soul sucking it is when you allow someone to hold you to their process of grief.

Boundaries might be difficult as she is unlikely in a place to hear you but certainly you should try if you want; or take a break as long as you need.

As sad as it is you are not at all responsible for her grief. In fact it could very well be harmful for your mental and physical health if you continue this dynamic.

By the way, you are not doing her any favors either.

Her stance in that conversation is really not ok. I can’t imagine how devastating losing your child would be, even once they were a grown man with a child of their own, but I did lose both parents early and I still managed to respect the way my father and then my siblings dealt with the grief.

I would tell her that there is no template for grieving, you must each do it in your own way. And that although you appreciate she is trying to help, it is not helpful when she comments on your decisions and you need it to stop. She may be worried that if you move on she will lose contact?

You absolutely need to keep clear boundaries - put the photo away somewhere you won’t be tempted to get it when she asks or even give it to a friend to keep. Go out and live your life with your lovely son. I’m assuming he was a loving husband and father - and if so, he would want you guys to enjoy the lives you have rather than constantly wallowing in the grief.

Can you give that photo to her so that she can put it up in her house?

I feel for her but she sounds a nightmare. I agree that you need to create some distance. Maybe don’t tell her because it might just cause a drama.

50 - 100 years ago and before most, if not nearly all, parents would have lost a child. Never easy but I do wonder if the rarity of a child dying first nowadays leaves a grieving parent without contemporaries who understand.

You can’t possibly have children

There's no right or wrong way to grief. You don't have to do it her way and she doesn't have to do it yours.

I think you need to adopt a "firm kindness" approach for a while and if she doesn't start respecting that then it might be best cut her off.

"If the last 2 years have taught me anything, it that life is short so I intent to make the most of it"

"Bereavement counselling really helped me realise that we have have to grief in the way that is best for us individually. I have to do what works for me and the kids".

"No, that photo isn't one of my favourites so I won't be putting it up. I chose remember him in ways that give me more comfort".

Would she respond to "your son wouldn't want me not to move forward, etc.

Firm but fair for a while and if nothing changes, you have to do what's best for you".

I think it's very different to lose a child to losing a husband. I'm not saying you have it easier, but just different. If you can't get through to her I don't think you are unreasonable to reduce contact, but I can definitely see her pov. I'm sorry for your loss

I've just read your other thread too, @GoldenHammer I'm sorry your relationship was like that - suggest women's aid to talk things through from that angle.
You and your MiL are grieving two different people. Not to mention at different rates. Having therapy will definitely have helped you to process things.
I think you are possibly the last person left who she feels she can grieve openly in front of. Maybe that's why she is encouraging you to be upset too, as it validates her also being upset.
You'll need to loosen the apron strings and put boundaries in place. About the photo, be a stuck record.
'Ive taken it down and it's in the loft. I prefer this one.'
It's your home, don't let her dictate what you have displayed. You might need to do the visiting to her going forward so she doesn't get the opportunity to inflict her views. Grieving mother or not, she needs to respect your choices and boundaries.