To be upset at birthday presents from DP

[LeahS89]

I’ve been with my DP for c1.5 years, and have just had my birthday. For context, recently he has been really ‘in’ to me dressing up and whilst I do indulge this for him, I’ve said to him I’m not massive on it and wouldn’t ever want him to buy me anything specifically.

I gave him a few ideas for my birthday, hinting at some jewellery I really liked and some clothes - confirming my sizes etc.

All bar one present he gave me was lingerie/sets, some I’d never wear being crotchless etc- easily £150-200’s worth.

He said he thought I’d like it and in his words ‘he’d reap the rewards too’.

Am I being ungrateful or is this unreasonable given what I told him?

I’ve just noticed he bought them in the sales…something about that just makes it seem worse somehow

This is grim. Absolutely grim that he bought them 4 months ago to get them cheaper and has been wanking at the thought of the op wearing them. HOW DARE HE? Come on op, it’s your fucking birthday and he bought you something for himself that turns you into an object for himself. This isn’t a snapshot of someone’s life, he couldn’t have told you that he it completely selfish any clearer.

Oh lord! What a waste of space he is !

Exactly my response! ⬆️ Ugh. Creep.

If just had a look. It’s unbelievably tacky and low quality. And that’s at full price. I can’t believe he’s bought you hoards of shit from there to turn you into his own personal sex doll, with literally no consideration at all as to what you’d like. That and he’s so tight he bought it all in the sales months ago.

There really is no coming back from that. Tight, astonishingly selfish, and entirely lacking in taste. Just…vile.

If I’m feeling charitable It’s just so utterly selfish and thoughtless of him, if I’m not feeling charitable I’d say he’s trying to coerce you into doing something sexual that you’ve clearly told him you don’t like doing. Making it part of your birthday is a particularly low blow, as the politeness in you means you feel rude telling him you don’t like the present.

my ex would pester me to wear certain types of underwear, and to this day I still hate wearing what’s classed as ‘sexy underwear’.

I look back now and realise that he was actually sexually abusive and he’s pester, bully and coerce me into doing and wearing things I didn’t want to.

A present that requires no thought and which he probably also expects to share

I hope that’s the last time you speak to him. He’s disgusting and conniving.

He sent me a load of messages after apologising and promising he will take me shopping this weekend to get what I’d like. I am still angry!

Ugh. Major ick. Too little, too late.

He bought you a pile of cheap shite that he knew you wouldn't like & a box of chocolates (so lame!)- where was even 1 ounce of thought or consideration in that??

No. Just no. Throw him back.

But that’s nor the point is it?
edit that’s to @LeahS89

Thing is, this is about more than a thoughtless, selfish man who bought you a rubbish gift. It’s a sign of a deeper malaise - shows how he thinks of you, his disrespect for you and your feelings, and for his selfishness around sexual matters. I’m not surprised you are still angry.

Ew

For his birthday, I’d get him oven pride, a new mop and bucket, bleach, floor cleaner etc. then you can reap the benefits back

I'd be livid, my husband has joked before about getting lingerie for my birthday purely because he knows its an awful idea and isn't serious but if he actually did do that I'd be annoyed

Sounds Like a perv. I wouldn’t like this.

This shouldn’t be forgivable op. No amount of talking/apologising/buying you stuff to make up for it, should be enough. This wasn’t ‘a mistake’. This was a sign that his innate thoughts are that you (women) are on the earth to please him, but not just that, but that you should be so happy to do that, that it’s your own birthday treat to do so.

you had already told him you didn’t like it, isn’t obvious to anyone with a brain cell that they’re not going to be comfortable either, so he bought them FOR HIMSELF. And 4 months ago. What you wanted didn’t enter his head. For 4 months.

He just gets more skanky doesn't he...nasty lingerie that he already knew you wouldn't enjoy wearing, bought in the sale so he didn't have to spend as much on you...

Personally I wouldn't even consider going shopping with him this weekend, or doing anything with him ever again, there isn't an apology big enough that would get me over the ick...

Sleazy git.

Don’t go shopping with him.
He can’t take his sleazy words back and at this point, I’d dump him if I were you

He bought your presents off Love Honey months ago. There's nothing sudden about this interest, and he doesn't care that you're not into it. Does he not care about consent in general?

Yuck. I'd be dumping his arse.

I’d have to dump him because I’d never be able to look at him the same way again.

Don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy OP. It worries me that you said in one of your earliest responses that you never would have got with him if you’d known he was into this. Don’t think that it’s too late to walk away. It’s never too late if you are unhappy.

Still beside the point, OP. And do not allow yourself to be reeled back in and placated by him "treating you".

As far back as December he was rubbing his grubby little hands together at the thought of you in some crotchless, nylon monstrosity that you don't even like that much and don't feel sexy in. And he waited for the sales to be cheap about his pervy little idea.

He then waited 3 months, politely nodding through the actual suggestions of what you want for your birthday, all the time knowing that what you're getting is thrush.

And I come back to "suddenly he is into more risque" acts - he is testing your boundaries and you really, really need to walk away from this creep.

I’m feeling really conflicted. We are part of each others DC’s life’s, which is where the challenge lies.

I do feel he isn’t taking the relationship as seriously as I am and this is a prime example.

I also worry about our future compatibility sexually moving forward, he has drunkenly dropped hints at things he’d like to try and I don’t think I’m able to be that adventurous.

Depends on what things…