To be upset at birthday presents from DP

[LeahS89]

I’ve been with my DP for c1.5 years, and have just had my birthday. For context, recently he has been really ‘in’ to me dressing up and whilst I do indulge this for him, I’ve said to him I’m not massive on it and wouldn’t ever want him to buy me anything specifically.

I gave him a few ideas for my birthday, hinting at some jewellery I really liked and some clothes - confirming my sizes etc.

All bar one present he gave me was lingerie/sets, some I’d never wear being crotchless etc- easily £150-200’s worth.

He said he thought I’d like it and in his words ‘he’d reap the rewards too’.

Am I being ungrateful or is this unreasonable given what I told him?

I’m feeling really conflicted. We are part of each others DC’s life’s, which is where the challenge lies.

??? Plenty of people get divorced despite being in their joint children's lives so I don't get your argument. Are you saying you are staying with a man because you would be embarrassed seeing him at a kids club?

He hasn't just developed these interests OP, he's just easing you into them. The long game.

Give him them back, tell him you won't be doing this stuff anymore as it doesn't make you feel comfortable and not to ask again.

For anyone who cares about their partner's comfort, dignity and safety, yes they drop it. If you are truly not sexually compatible, they move on

Yes, exactly. When I dated someone who was simply not comfortable with some of the things I would find necessary for a fulfilling sex life (eg he didn’t like giving or receiving oral sex, among other things) I didn’t try to keep cajoling him and pressuring him. I ended the relationship because what he liked was never going to be enough for me and it wasn’t fair on either of us.

Buy him a vibrator for his birthday. Tell him you will reap the rewards. See how he likes it.

Yuck in all areas, OP...

Reminds me of an ex-friend who wanted the same from his very straight, somewhat religious girlfriend. She told him NO, flat out NO, from the beginning. He never let it drop, and tried to get the rest of us to tell her how unfair she was being by not going along with. TMI? Damn straight. This was all being shared on social media as well. She ended up dropping him. He then tried telling the rest of us that we couldn't be friends with her anymore and to delete her from our social media...and he wouldn't let that drop, either. Annoyed a fair few people and lost a couple of friends over it.

To be honest the present shows that he's the type that will try to run roughshod over you. You told him not to buy anything like that, you weren't really into it ... and he totally ignored you.

He says that I should at least try it once to decide whether I like it rather than be judgmental without trying as it’s mainstream now. But sometimes you just know if you’d enjoy something or not, don’t you?

Oh I know, but it’s just hard to put them through that again.

I don't like the word "should" here OP. Sure you can try something once and see how you like it. But when it comes to matters of consent and making decisions about your own body, there should never be a "should" involved.

That’s awful what a complete turn off, my advice run

For his birthday say you’re really into pegging and buy a massive strap on.

No but on a serious note OP, leave him. If he’s pushing you to do sex acts you’re not into he’s a wrongun, birthday present aside. That would be enough for me to run.

EDIT: just read your update… definitely do not take my previous advice. Just run away.

People don't change sexual preferences. It's part of who they are. And he's already showing you that your boundaries don't really matter. I seriously think you need to consider that.

Fucking run. See: consent. What an arsehole. I can't with these men.

This isn't trying a new flavour of crisps ffs, you don't have to try anything, you're right op, sometimes you just know it's not for you.

Next time it won't be your birthday it will be oh I don't want you to buy me anything for my birthday or Christmas just fuck me up the arse wearing this lingerie set instead.

Get rid, he has no respect for you.

Boxing Day sales would be enough of an ick for me, unless it was something that you’d been wanting for ages and ages and he knew you wouldn’t be changing your mind. But it’s not, it’s the complete opposite of that, plus add in him paying zero attention to your boundaries and preferences… no. Just no. It would be a deal breaker for me I think OP, sorry.

He says you SHOULD….
How dare he tell you what you should do…. And it’s not mainstream at all….

Please step back from this for a moment and think…this guy knows you don’t like dressing up, so he completely ignores your birthday wishes and buys you a load of tacky gross crutchless knickers that he knows you don’t like wearing. What a Prince! None of that was for you, it was all for him. And now he’s trying to get you into anal. And he wants you to peg him. And when you say you don’t want to he makes out there’s something wrong with you… this guy is not a decent caring partner. He’s a sex pest, and he keeps putting pressure on you to do things he wants to do. Sex should be mutually pleasurable. And what you are doing isn’t.

Hes had those yucky knickers for four months…. He never had any intention to get you a nice present. What a complete shit. You need to drop him like a hot stone. Do you want your kids to watch him walk all over you and potentially sexually abuse you? Because that’s where this is going..

Tell him you don’t want to see him this weekend as you’ve got things to do. And really think about whether you want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks so little of you.

I have confided in a friend and she thinks I should take him up on his offer of shopping on Saturday and give him the chance to redeem himself. But I think it runs deeper than materialistic things now. I’m going to need to have a real think on what I want from my future.

Mainstream?!

For men who watch too much porn and women desperate to please them, sure.

Don't be a fool, OP. You don't owe him this.

Totally not surprised he's trying to make out like you're the problem though. This will ramp, you watch. He will absolutely guilt you into trying it if you let him.

He’s even more disgusting if he’s trying to convince you. If I was your friend I’d be telling you to run for the hills not getting him to try and redeem himself.

Exactly this!

Fuck his and his 'apology' shopping!

If she lets him buy her things to make up for the lingerie he will continue pushing her to do what he wants and further guilt her because he thinks she owes him.

She needs to tell him to fuck right off and go buy those things for herself.

“It’s mainstream now” because men’s porn use gets worse and worse over time and now we’re in the last days of Rome stage. Where women’s pleasure is completely irrelevant as long as they are getting more and more extreme forms of fetish on tap.

God, I miss the Joy of Sex days. When real men cared about female pleasure.

Yes, I disagree it’s mainstream, I’ve a fairly big group of friends and I know it’s something none of them would consider mainstream! I just don’t find it a turn on at all, and I know it’s not always about my pleasure, but we all have out limits!

This would be a limit for the VAST majority of us, OP.

Don't let him convince you otherwise.

Yes it is hard but don't guilt trip yourself into staying with someone who isn't compatible. How do you think they will feel when they are older that you stayed with someone because they (as children) liked him, despite you not being happy?

That's going to fuck them over more. Ask any child of a mother who stayed in a toxic marriage instead of leaving. Right now your relationship is a bit bleugh and incompatible. Stay and it becomes unhappy and toxic.

@LeahS89

With the greatest of respect, there are 10 pages of women on here telling you to ditch this loser & you're still considering his laughable apology shopping trip?? If you don't ditch him, you only have yourself to blame when this goes the way we all know it will.

With respect to your friend - they’re often not the place to go for advice.

1. we flock towards those who are living similar lives to ourselves, there’s comfort in an echo chamber. It’s likely that she has chosen an equally shit partner and it’s in her interest to pretend all men are like that.
2. she is less likely to want to upset you by telling you you’ve wasted 18 months on an arsehole

I’ve been on mumsnet 16 years. It is the FIRST place I would come for advice. Women of all demographics, women who’ve been through exactly the same thing, women who aren’t emotionally involved so can be 💯 objective.