To be upset at birthday presents from DP

[LeahS89]

I’ve been with my DP for c1.5 years, and have just had my birthday. For context, recently he has been really ‘in’ to me dressing up and whilst I do indulge this for him, I’ve said to him I’m not massive on it and wouldn’t ever want him to buy me anything specifically.

I gave him a few ideas for my birthday, hinting at some jewellery I really liked and some clothes - confirming my sizes etc.

All bar one present he gave me was lingerie/sets, some I’d never wear being crotchless etc- easily £150-200’s worth.

He said he thought I’d like it and in his words ‘he’d reap the rewards too’.

Am I being ungrateful or is this unreasonable given what I told him?

I know it’s not always about my pleasure

It isn't even about your pleasure on your birthday. Let that sink in. Some shopping trip after the fact can't repair that. He could have thought, 'shit, I bought that stuff in the sale but it's clear she won't want it for her birthday. I'll save it for another time and buy her what she wants.' But he didn't. Because he's cheap selfish. And only when you show your firm boundaries does he pretend to be nicer. But it is pretend, or he would have behaved differently before.

Urgh he sounds worse every time you tell us more.

I'd add that it doesn't matter whether it is mainstream or not - what matters is whether you feel happy, safe, comfortable, sexy, engaged and respected.

And I echo the many PP who have said that there is NO "should" try anything when it comes to consent. There is only "can" try if there is something you are turned on and curious about and have a willing partner.

@LeahS89 pegging is only mainstream in the porn he is searching for and looking to watch.

this is not something you will come around to or need to try - it’s not like trying seafood or oysters to see if you like it. If you have a revulsion to this then that’s good enough for you.

Id just be calling it a day now as he’s showing more and more of his true colours.

bulk buying you underwear for his fetish/kinks and ta-dahhing it months later for your birthday is not a gift for you.

He's ignoring your no.

"recently he has been really ‘in’ to me dressing up and whilst I do indulge this for him, I’ve said to him I’m not massive on it and wouldn’t ever want him to buy me anything specifically."

He thinks he can talk you into sex you don't want to have. It worked with the lingerie before. He bought more when you directly told him not to buy it. Now he's trying again. His boundary pushing isn't going to stop. What he's into is going to be more and more what you aren't into. I think he enjoys pushing your boundaries and that is not a good thing.

should Nope!

Although after years on MN it’s weird this is the second pegging thread in a very short space of time.
Guess it is sadly becoming ‘mainstream’, like Anal. Far too much easy access porn showing this everywhere these days.

Nope nope nope, you "should" not try anything you don't want to, just because others do it. It doesn't mean you're judgmental (him saying that is manipulative and really shitty). I am no prude and I would never try and push someone to try and do something they're not comfortable with.

Unfortunately @LeahS89 there are lots men that only get a kick out of manipulating people into doing sexual things they haven't done before, the thrill isn't necessarily the actual act but that they know the partner is not enjoying it.

There are lots of people out there that find pegging absolutely their thing but instead of finding a willing partner men like your hopefully soon to be ex prefer to find someone like yourself and gently erode the boundaries until you submit.

Coercion begging here

there are lots men that only get a kick out of manipulating people into doing sexual things they haven't done before, the thrill isn't necessarily the actual act but that they know the partner is not enjoying it.

This is definitely a thing. I once read an article where they interviewed loads of men about their opinion on anal. A surprising number said they only enjoyed it when the woman didn’t like it, because it was an ego boost that they could get her to do it for them. Grim. So much for Enthusiastic Consent when the guy gets off of the fact that the woman has zero enthusiasm.

How about you tell him you want to voyeur a 6 way, him and 5 other gay men. You really want to see him say he try it up the arse, 5 other big butch blokes from down the gym, you watch while he gets slammed from behind and ruined by 5 guys?

He should at least try it once to decide whether he likes it rather than be judgmental without trying

You can judge that you don't want to do something without trying it. This is now coercive and controlling. Does he understand the concept that No means no, that No is a full sentence.

He's not taking you No. Red flags....

Edit - the friend who said it was mainstream is also not to be trusted.

This post alone is a good reason to dump him.

And he's not respecting your limits in the slightest.
He's definitely getting his ideas from porn and if you did succumb to this there would be other porn fuelled requests to follow.
As most pp have said..in the bin you go matey..ta ta.

It’s irrelevant whether or not pegging is mainstream, whether or not Mumsnetters think it’s disgusting and what your friends think about it.

All that matters is that you really don’t want to do it, and therefore your boyfriend shouldn’t be trying to guilt-trip you into it. That’s all. Even if it was ‘mainstream’, he still shouldn’t be trying to make you try it when you’ve told him you don’t want to.

If you find the idea of something actively unpleasant - whether it’s something really outlandish or a chaste peck on the cheek - you aren’t going to suddenly find out that you like it when you try it. It’s sex, not Green Eggs And Ham.

Red flags op, massive ones.

On a side note, he sounds like a disgusting creep. Wouldnt have that around my kids if i were you...

This is not a man who respects you or your boundaries. He will push and push and push you, probably giving you a strap-on for Christmas so you can peg him.

Just end it, OP. He’s really disgraced himself with those shit, selfish presents. Any bullshit now is just that, designed to reel you back in.

You should go on the shopping trip, get a real gift and then dump him after. Via text. Then block. You do deserved a present at least.

This. And you’re right @LeahS89 when you say you just know if you want to do it. Yes, you do. And he needs to accept that you don’t want to do it. About anything, including any kind of sex at all. Nobody has a right to sex, we do have a right to refuse sex.

I’m sorry but he does sound awful the more you say. It isn’t that he wants to do these things. It’s his lack of respect for you. He doesn’t see your wants and preferences as important. He doesn’t see you as a person.

Fucking men 🙄 (literally in this case👀)

He says that I should at least try it once to decide whether I like it rather than be judgmental without trying as it’s mainstream now.

Like bloody anal and strangling/pulling women’s hair! They all became ‘mainstream’ due to porn and then film and tv shows referencing it and were then expected of women as if it was normal and they were being vanilla or even selfish for not trying it - even tho the pain and discomfort is experienced solely by the women and not by them (surprisingly). The fucking entitlement. I told a previous bf I’d do anal if he let me put a broom handle up his arse first (which let’s face it isn’t even as wide as a large number of penises or dildos) - he wasn’t as interested after that for some reason…

This is a valid point.

the reason you have given for staying with him is that he has a relationship with your kids.

is this a man you want having a relationship with your kids? At best he’s a misogynist who objectifies women. And that’s at best. At worst there’s more stuff you don’t know yet.

Massive ick. Run for the hills.

He's watched too much porn @LeahS89 and now thinks everyone's doing sexual things he's missing out on. Porn is mainly made by men, for men, so it's full of acts they'd love to do and the woman's pleasure is irrelevant, but your DP thinks you'd love it once you tried it.
There is no "should try it once", if he loves it and you're repelled he'll keep asking and your sex life will go down hill in no time. 18 months is nothing really, your DC will forget him and you can have your peace of mind back

If you try it once and still didn’t like it, his next attempt at coercion will be “Well you did it for me that one time, why can’t you just do it again?”

You deserve so much better than this coercive selfish sex pest.

Agreed - it's like with CFs, where any compromise is taken and thoroughly used against you.

And if you give them any reason why you can't/won't do what they ask - rather than just a clear "No" - they'll take that as a 'yes in principle' and find ways to override your reservations and 'enable' you to give then what they're insisting on.

RUN! Pack your stuff and get out of there asap. Sending hugs to you and hope you have better birthdays in future with someone who values YOU
xx