To be upset at birthday presents from DP

[LeahS89]

I’ve been with my DP for c1.5 years, and have just had my birthday. For context, recently he has been really ‘in’ to me dressing up and whilst I do indulge this for him, I’ve said to him I’m not massive on it and wouldn’t ever want him to buy me anything specifically.

I gave him a few ideas for my birthday, hinting at some jewellery I really liked and some clothes - confirming my sizes etc.

All bar one present he gave me was lingerie/sets, some I’d never wear being crotchless etc- easily £150-200’s worth.

He said he thought I’d like it and in his words ‘he’d reap the rewards too’.

Am I being ungrateful or is this unreasonable given what I told him?

He hasn’t just developed a new taste for this it’s just something he’s kept hidden until he felt you were too far in to the relationship to turn back and say no.

I think it's clear enough from her follow up messages that she's not comfortable with it - she says she wouldn't have got into the relationship if she'd known beforehand.

Are they non-refundable, or is he just saying that in the hopes that’ll you’ll keep it and eventually wear it? Make him give you the reciept or the order details so you can check. I also agree that this is not sudden and he’s just been gradually introducing it so you’re more likely to go along with it. Have a rethink about being with him.

I think he's a sleazeball.

This.

You don’t need to settle just because other aspects of this man are something you like.

Sexual compatibility is a huge thing and he’s basically covered up parts of himself to lure you in and now revealed them and pushed them on you even knowing you’re not keen.

There’s plenty more non selfish fish in the sea.

Just throw this one back. This isn’t a new thing for him. His waiting till he thinks you won’t leave. His buying you gifts that are for him that you don’t actively enjoy just do for him sometimes. Then you get the duty chocolates so it’s not all bad in his eyes.

Throw him back OP. This one's not for you so call an end to it before you get further entangled (literally).

Yuck.

You can still dump him now. Thank goodness it’s ‘only’ 1.5 years and you don’t live together.

hes a selfish prick who is happy to push your boundaries and ignore your preferences

He hasn't suddenly developed an interest in crotchless pants or whatever the risque things are. He's been biding his time. Too much porn and chancing his arm.

Gross

Those were for him, not you. Which he knows because you specifically told him you didn't want anything like that from him. Yet that's all he bought you, plus a generic chocolate item.

I am going to go on and on and on - if you are a decent woman and if you would like to have a husband, family, etc., i.e. normal life - why did you sleep with him without him committing to you - i.e. marriage? He is a freak and the first time you would have mentioned marriage - he would have run away - so problem with S&M and bondage would have been resolved without even arising - he would have run away. So after you dump that freak and start dating a nice man, don't be shy - say 'I want marriage, etc.' - if a person is even remotely serious about you, they would give you a chance to get to know them better before tumbling into bed - it is not compulsory to start knobbing immediately, you know. And for those who say 'oh, what if they are sexually not compatible' - what utter bollocks - there is one pole and one hole and if you fancy the pants off each other, you will figure out what to do. (Disclaimer - a pre-marital visual goods inspection is OK though, plenty of chances to do that). Do it right next time - get to know a person before you become intimate and things like that won't happen.

This is really, really selfish and awful. Please tell him how you feel. And I’d honestly end the relationship.

If the price tag and that plastic on the crotch is not removed, it should be refundable. Like swimwear is refundable.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to not like this gift.

But as far as what it means or what to do about it...

My feeling is first, that men (in general, not all, obviously) tend to not be nearly as good as women at picking out gifts. In my experience, it's just not as much of a thing with them, from childhood. For ex. I recall that my sons stopped giving/getting birthday gifts from friends at a young age, ten or twelve. Then it was no longer cool and if invited to a birthday party, they'd just give their friend a gift card or cash, maybe not even with a card, or maybe nothing and nobody seemed to care, either way. Some of my early gifts from my husband would have me in tears or howls of laughter. I finally just made him stop and I buy my own gifts. But that doesn't mean he's not a keeper. He 100% is and we've been together for decades now. :) I recall my father being all proud of himself for buying my mother a vacuum cleaner for Christmas one year (you see, it was an expensive vacuum cleaner. Hence, his very short-lived pride). And that was even after ten years of marriage.

You might try waiting a few days, then have a discussion with him about presents and tell him that you wanted him to know you actually didn't like his gift because you dress up for him, not yourself. He got you that instead of what you'd already told him you would like, so it seemed like he didn't even realize or care that it was really a present for himself, not you.

Anyway, about the dressing up. If my partner especially liked something in the bedroom AND it didn't actually gross me out or make me feel demeaned etc., I'd do it, happily, because it's important to me to satisfy him. He does the same back.

I don't think either of the things you've mentioned are at all deal breakers. But of course it depends on if you do, and also if it's only these two things or if there's more that adds up to an overall picture of intolerable selfishness or only seeming to see you as an object. Good luck. So sorry your birthday presents were disappointing.

Yeah he's shit.
And this is coming from someone who really likes racy lingerie but DH doesn't buy me it for birthday/Christmas because he gets me things for me and just for me, as I do for him. Lingerie is a very personal choice imo and is something I would want to buy so I know I feel amazing in it but also comfortable (and that it fits)
Bin him off. 1.5 years is nothing

I couldn’t quite decipher that word salad, but is it that you don’t agree with sex before marriage?

The OP may both be a ‘decent woman’ and to not actually want to get married.

Correct, but only if you are a decent properly brought up person wanting to have a normal family. If you want sleeping around without commitments, then obviously it does not apply.

Are you posting from 1958?

“Oh dear what a shame you cannot get a refund. However I doubt you are out much money. These are not gifts for me. They are gifts for you. If you wish this relationship to continue, I will need a sincere apology and a proper birthday gift minimum.”

Then dump the odious turd anyway.

Unless you're into this sort of thing get rid !! You will probably find he's on fetish websites 😩

So it’s ok for the OP to look at his cock, just not touch it?

There's nothing wrong with a man enjoying lingerie on a woman, and there's nothing wrong with a woman indulging a man's likes. However, a birthday is specifically meant to be all about the person whose birthday it is, and the birthday present(s) should therefore reflect the (wo)man of the hour's wants and wishes. Your boyfriend is showing you that he's utterly selfish and only cares about himself, because even on YOUR birthday, it's all about HIM and what HE wants. Not okay.

Honestly, you're highly likely going to be in for a lifetime of this man's selfish behaviour if you continue with this relationship. And his selfishness is going to get worse.

Ewww - I would burn this in front of him or put it on the dog (if you have a dog). I would never ever wear that. This guy is utterly gross!