To just want to be a housewife?

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I don’t know what’s happened to me. Growing up as a teen I was very rebellious and independent, I wanted the world. Started working early, went to university, started working full time and studied in my spare time. My job prior to having a child was serious and I was working my way up. Then DC came and I went part time self employed and ever since I’ve had her, I don’t want that life at all. She is 3 and is part time in nursery whilst I work but originally I wanted to do well in my work but now I don’t care. All I want is to look after my daughter, clean my home, and spend my time cooking and gardening.
Is this normal?! I could t care less about a career or earning lots of money or anything. I live rurally and all I care about now is nature and ‘homliness’. I genuinely love ironing, hanging out the washing and making the beds. I have ADHD and these were jobs that used to paralyse me, but now I find comfort and calmness in them and it’s the work I can’t cope with. Is this a phase? Or is this something to do with becoming a parent? It’s bizarre, it’s like I’ve had a personality transplant.

I've been a housewife for the past 5 years. I've never been happier.

This is my dream to be a stay at home mam,

Happy and content and there for the children - not stressed, tired and chasing my tail.
To be able to meeting them from school on lovely sunny day and have a picnic in the park of go to the beach

to lit the fire and make fairy cakes

not stressing over diy projects/rushing to and from afterschool activities

to have time to mind my parents properly and have time for my husband

I feel like a failing as a daughter, a wife, an employee and a mam and most importantly myself

I'm supposed to be a feminist so why am I now fussing about getting tea on the table for when my husband walks through the door after work??

I am a feminist too. A proper porn-hating, prostitution is male abuse of women type feminist. And its because I am a feminist I don't degrade work that is associated with women, such as child-rearing or domesticity.

If you are able to choose to live like this as your preference, then you do that.

YANBU at all. It's a lovely, gentle sort of lifestyle - and one that I was lucky enough to have for over six years, after I became a mother.

Of course, I was only able to do it because my husband could support me financially and pay the mortgage and other household bills (just!). I think it's much more difficult nowadays, mostly because of the cost of housing.

The advantages, for me, were:
A slower, more relaxed life.
Spending lots of time with the children in their formative years.
No childcare costs to pay.
Always able to go to daytime school events, like special assemblies etc.
Plenty of time to do housework and DIY.

Disadvantages:
Loss of income.
Lower standard of living.
Loss of potential future career and earnings.
Boredom.
Being "at work" 24/7.
It establishes a set of expectations that, in my experience, tend to become fixed as to whose role it is to shop, cook clean, organise etc. Those became my role when I gave up paid work and remained mine after I went back!

Really interesting post, a lot really resonates with me as a high achieving ADHDer but I guess it manifests quite differently for me personally - which is that I still love my job but I can't bear trying to look after my kids and also work or do chores, the multi tasking is very hard for me.

I know half of Mumsnet WFH with their kids around after school/during the holidays but I will not do it, my kids are in childcare unless one or both of us is on annual leave.

I similarly don't do many chores at all around my kids - other than the basics like cooking/washing up, I find having my focus split really hard. We have a cleaner.

I don't fantasise about not having work to worry about, I more fantasise about not having the kids to worry about!

I'm a housewife of a sort but you can't go into it without sorting things out financially. If your husband is making enough to support you to a good standard and have savings then make sure that all every asset is in both your names and that all savings are split equally between you i.e. ensure half of all savings from his wages go into an account in your name only. This is what we did and it works well. Also don't let your skills rust, keep up with your education and skills, do things outside the home even if you don't get paid, read, have meet and talk to people outside the family, keep yourself confident and strong no matter what.

This is heartwarming to read as I really do think that young children are happier and better brought up by an engaged, loving mother than a nursery worker in charge of several. If you can do it financially, then I think it’s a nice way to be and I’m all for a bit of gentle living. I’ve been PT SE since going back into work after a five year break and I feel incredibly lucky to be able to have done so. I’ve also been there supporting the family emotionally and practically as the kids have grown up and I don’t regret a minute of it. My pension may not be massive but my life has been very rich indeed.

It's not.

Your priorities shift when a child comes along. I was the same as you, very independent, wanted to excel at work (I still do but in a different way), win all the awards, travel the world etc.

My DD is three too. I LOVED mat leave. I was ready for a bit of a mental challenge by the end but happy to be part time doing it.

I am now ridiculously happy spending a day pottering round the house, doing the jobs, making it a nice place to be, doing things for/with DD. Work is still there and something I do well, and that I need for balance, but it's no longer as important.

It's a parent thing.

I am in similar circumstances to you albeit I have two children who are both at primary school. I run my own business (management consultant) part time but find since having my children, it does not give me a buzz anymore and quite frankly would give it up tomorrow if I could. For me, the reasons for wanting to be a full time SAHM are many. For example, the burden that having my business has resulted in; finding it quite lonely as I am freelance and working from home therefore I don't get to speak to anyone; also finding the work unimportant as I am on the sidelines being a consultant and thus do not feel part of anything of significance. With my children however, being with them makes me feel part of something really important and significant and I would like more of that in my life as that now gives me a buzz. I think that realisation often only comes when you have taken time out of the workforce and have some mental space in which to think of things respectively which is possibly where you are now.

I've always wanted to be a housewife since a teenager. I used to watch anthea turner perfect housewife. My friends couldn't understand why I wanted to be a housewife. I couldn't understand why anyone would want a career. I just want to potter around, bake etc. Unfortunately, I am not a house wife. I don't have a husband and probably never will be one!

I think part time is the perfect thing, especially if you have a decent, almost "big" job. It balances things out, keeps your hand in the world of employment, gives you independence, still pays into a pension.

It gives you something that's you and gives your child nursery, where they genuinely get so much, but not all week.

Part time is the best of both worlds. If you can do it (and I'm very lucky to be able to), keep hold of it.

This is it in a nutshell.

Completely agree with this too albeit would say that either a mother/father/grandparent could hold this role. The importance is consistency of care from a consistent care giver. Nurseries often cannot offer this which must be very difficult for a child to understand and potentially be very unsettling for them.

I work full time and am quite ambitious but have realised that I’m partly working so hard and investing like a fiend so that I can afford to retire soon and spend my life pottering about, baking and gardening and looking after (not yet existent) grandchildren. So I hear you, op.

It's all lovely and fine until the husband fucks off.

(no I never thought mine would either. Not that I was a housewife)

You aren’t being ‘sold’ anything. Most women, throughout history, and throughout most cultures, have always worked. Being a SAHM as an idea was a tiny, time-specific blip. No one is requiring you to be any kind of ‘powerhouse’, simply requiring you to be able to support yourself and any children you have. Which you are doing. If your current job is too stressful look at what’s around, or compressed hours.

I have ADHD and can relate (although differently as I don’t have children).

I had a really stressful job and quite a hectic life until 6 months ago when I got a better paid job but without any of the stress and I work from home. I absolutely adore being at home and will never go back to work being my life like it was before. Last year I would have thought this was hell.

We think we love chaos with ADHD but lowering stress makes life just so much better. Nothing wrong with loving being at home.

I think the mistake is associating your dream with the term 'housewife'. I think this has connotations of serving a man and is rooted in 1950s misogyny.

In reality, it is totally normal to want a nice and peaceful home that is clean and tidy. Lots of people (men and women) get a lot of joy in 'nesting' and keeping their home environment nice. I would go as far as to say it serves some basic human needs. The same is true with cooking from scratch and gardening. I honestly think it's something we have evolved to enjoy as it is intrinsically good for us. Obviously this isn't true for everyone, but it's true for a hell of a lot more of us than our modern, capitalist world would have us believe.

I was thinking about this the other day. I think I like those things too. But for me it’s only because before kids it was all a chore. For the first year of my first’s life I just could not get on top of the housework and it really made me mad and frustrated. But only she turned one and I returned to work and she became more independent I was able to get more done around the house. Which made me feel triumphant. And so I like housework now. But only because I remember when it was not possible and how angry that made me.

I do however also love working and making money. I love growing my savings pot for a rainy day. And having another outlet rather than cleaning and house work. Depending on what day it is I wear each hat with pride!

so not unreasonable at all, we all have emotional needs and if being a housewife fulfils yours then make sure you fill that cup to the brim!

There's so much to be said for the "simple life".

Obviously, money makes any life easier and that requires working for most people. But you can do both, work and have a simple life. We do.

We are looked upon in DHs family as the "poor relations" because we drive older cars (which we own outright rather than on finance), mostly holiday in the UK if we bother going at all, like to stay home, prefer to cook than going out to eat, spend time in the garden, do things to the house ourselves etc.

In reality we actually earn more than his very "flashy" brother. We just enjoy life in a different way and so to look at us people think we don't have a lot. We just don't need a lot to be happy. I don't understand his brother's need to be "flashy" and he doesn't understand how we don't care.

I think more people are coming round to the simple life idea, especially since the lockdowns, where people realised they don't need much more than a happy home.

I can't bear flashy people! Their desperation to prove how much of a success they think they are is pitiful IMHO.

All of this, on repeat.

It's possibly all very lovely, quiche and flapjacks and about as intellectually stimulating as paint. Don't get me wrong, loved my DD as a small child but work/challenge/company of adults was important too. Home making can, no doubt, be great. If you love small children, DIY, gardening etc. In the end though, most of us want something more.
Who is funding this? Most of us can't potter about the allotment without serious money behind us. Financial security is absolutely vital or people can end up back in the workplace with a 15 year career break and no skills.

Well that's what we've evolved to do OP...gathering food, looking after children, cooking and cleaning. I guess neurodivergent people are more drawn to that sort of life because there's less pressure. I'm AuDHD.

Hmmm,

They have, up to a point, but then lots didn’t in more recent generations because childcare and home care was the focus and one income was enough.
My current job isn’t too stressful, I haven’t said at any point that it is? It’s that I don’t care for working whatsoever. I am going to continue working as I’ve said, I am just surprised that this is the case. I am saying this AGAIN but this thread was to examine my feelings, I don’t want financial or career advice.