To just want to be a housewife?

[CasketBase]

I don’t know what’s happened to me. Growing up as a teen I was very rebellious and independent, I wanted the world. Started working early, went to university, started working full time and studied in my spare time. My job prior to having a child was serious and I was working my way up. Then DC came and I went part time self employed and ever since I’ve had her, I don’t want that life at all. She is 3 and is part time in nursery whilst I work but originally I wanted to do well in my work but now I don’t care. All I want is to look after my daughter, clean my home, and spend my time cooking and gardening.
Is this normal?! I could t care less about a career or earning lots of money or anything. I live rurally and all I care about now is nature and ‘homliness’. I genuinely love ironing, hanging out the washing and making the beds. I have ADHD and these were jobs that used to paralyse me, but now I find comfort and calmness in them and it’s the work I can’t cope with. Is this a phase? Or is this something to do with becoming a parent? It’s bizarre, it’s like I’ve had a personality transplant.

This has been my life for almost 18 years and I wouldn't change it for the world. It works well for us as a family and enabled us to home educate all out children from the start. It's such a blessing even if we have to forego the latest car/phone foreign holiday etc. Go for it OP!

I’m with you OP. Also have adhd and after two maternity leaves and a sabbatical, I had completely lost all the strategies and coping mechanisms I had to get do ‘work’ the way it’s expected. Then I went back and just didn’t want to do it anymore and didn’t have the downtime (with a 3yo and asd 5yo) to recover from working 5 days. I’m now a part time gardener but mostly
focus on making our life easier and healthier doing all the things you mentioned. I might not want to do it forever but while the children are young, it’s all I feel I can do. I’ll also say that I am married to a man who earns well and is supportive and so I have a safety net somewhat. There are still some financial risks but they are ones I am willing to take.

I can't imagine enjoying cleaning. It gives me an angry feeling.

But I did really struggle to actually care about work after I had children. I did it, progressed but it just wasn't the same excitement or interest. It had some advantages. I got less sucked into office politics, took things less personally if the business took a strategic decision i wasnt on board with and I was very much more confident and efficient.

Now my children they are older I feel a bit more inclined to find work interesting again.

(I also had a big disabled childcare issue which meant I had to make some big changes workwise in the end)

I'm the exact same and I also have ADHD! Keeping my home keeps me calm ... Tidy house tidy mind I think 🤣 for me as well I know my brain couldn't handle a full time job, parenting and running a house. I always say if it's what's best for you and your family go for it whatever it is! X

I’m a housewife and I’m incredibly grateful and happy. We worked out that I wasn’t making a massive amount after tax, a season ticket into London, lunch, client-facing work clothes/shoes, and of course wrap-around childcare, I wasn’t making very much at all.

I now buy clothes from the charity shop and only when I need to, shop in Lidl/Aldi for food, and we don’t really go on holiday like we used to. But I’m really happy and I like doing both ends of the school run and being able to cook meals and do the house stuff myself rather than paying a cleaner or childcare.

I totally agree it’s not for everyone, and I also do worry a bit about setting and example to the DC about women working, but when I weigh everything up I see them coming home to a calm, happy home where I’m around to do clubs, play dates and chats, and on balance that works best for us as a family.

I think what women fought for was choice. Some women will always want to work and those women should have the right to work in whichever career they choose, other prefer to stay home and raise DC, hang out washing and garden. Both choices are valid and probably suit completely different personalities.

This is very wise counsel.

@CasketBase OMG - are you me??!

Well, apart from the ironing although I do sometimes even enjoy that if I'm watching something on telly my DH isn't keen on seeing. ;)

I was extremely driven as a child/teen/young adult. Worked 2 jobs throughout my schooling from age 11, saved up for my own hobbies/trips aboard, still top of the class academically.

At uni, also worked several days per week during the first year, achieved highly (a First) and even got my undergraduate thesis publishes. Got a job, and employer sponsored my post-grad and I was promoted within months of joining and it continued that way until, just before I went on maternity leave with DC1, I was partner-level and earning mega bucks. Often went in early, and worked late.

Went back to work after DC1 was born, then took maternity for DC2 and went self-employed. In the first couple of years I still earned near 6-figures working only a few days per month. Then, when they were pre-school age, I started to not care about work anymore. I hated not having the flexibility and being available for them after school (I honestly don't think it made any difference to them, but it was for me).

I was never domesticated when I was younger but I now enjoy baking, keeping the home tidy and although I worked p/t until recently, I'm now at nearly 60 keen to just stop altogether. Financially, we can get by like this, although it would be nice with a bit of extra cash now and again; but we live comfortably.

I have an active life with my children/husband and local friends and love to get involved in the community. I don't want to be back in the work rat race and so there is not a single thing about work I now miss.

I'm not feeling bad about it, though, and neither should you OP.

I guess back in the day, women often retired earlier and nowadays we're inundated with information from all sides, so it's not like before, when you could do a job, go home and leave it mostly behind.

Plus I've worked since I was 11 so I sort of think I've done my dues.

I find it rather sad that women have been hoodwinked into thinking getting back in the saddle at a workplace asap is a badge of honour and pride. It is an attitude that is ripe for exploitation by employers!

I’ve been a housewife for five years and no real plans to change this anytime soon! We also grow veg and have an orchard and I cook a lot 😂 I love being around the home while my children are small but I always planned to be at home with them and luckily my husband is happy with it

Same here. Unfortunately the world doesn’t owe us a free ride, and I like to spend lots of money traveling each year, so am still working at age 62.

Would prefer to be pottering around gardening.

@eyespartyparty i also worry a bit about setting an example to the children, particularly as they are both boys. My husband is very hands on and does a lot around the house and is constantly singing my praises to the boys so I’m hoping this goes some way to showing them that my role is just as valid

I think it’s a normal phase that you’re going through, the nesting phase. I went through the same but I ultimately kept my career up and once they were a little older I was very pleased that I did although I did take some time out now and again.

The domesticity wears off and as they become more independent, gradually you’ll start thinking about you more. You’ll want more challenge and something for you outside of family life.

All my friends have gone through this and those that chose to be SAHM’s have really struggled to find “their thing”.

In amongst all the fuss about the Supreme Court ruling, the people I feel sorriest for are the Trans people (both sexes, but particularly the mtf trans) who have actually had surgical intervention. They actually do not pose the same risk to women?

What are they supposed to do when it comes to single sex spaces?

I've never had a desire for a career, it just has never interested me. I don't really find fulfilment from work, I have my family and hobbies for that. I have a job that contributes to the bills and I could do a bit of training or even just job hunt for a higher paying role. But this job matches the flexibility I want even if it is unduly stressful at times.
I don't love the idea of being a full housewife/SAHM but I do massively prefer working part time to spend time with my child and keep the house running smoothly. I feel very lucky to have this as an option.
I think its important to keep your hand in the job market for future/pensions etc but its also kind of sad to live life assuming the worst is going to happen. Though that being said, I'm a big saver with contingency funds for emergencies so I do get the need for it.
I think its just kind of that life can be a bit shit and stressful especially when trying to juggle a full time job, children and housework. But there's also a lot of shit in the alternatives too, so there's not really an ideal solution.

There's nothing wrong with it but I'd become resentful and bored. And I'd be worried about being financially vulnerable.

Because education shouldn't just be about getting a "job". Education stays with one forever and is a source of inner joy

Going with this thinking of women's only role in life is to care for a house/children why do women bother to go to school or uni, why do schools not just teach 'how to keep home' type subjects
And is the way posters on here are raising their daughters to think and sons to expect?

I actually think schools should teach some stuff. Admin and life skills. Lots of children don’t learn them from their parents. And I’m talking about boys and girls. Maybe if boys learnt theee things too, alongside a solid education, things would be more equal between men and women. Maybe not.

I have ADHD and whilst I don’t have the same feelings as you I think it does play a part because emotions can be more intense. For me staying home on maternity leave nearly sent me crazy, my ADHD sent me into overdrive and I became obsessed with cleaning and having nothing out of place. Work releases all of my pent up energy and when I do come home I feel I’ve earned the right to relax a bit more and don’t feel like I have to clean everything from top to bottom every day. ADHD triggers different things in people and it might have triggered your pull to be at home. It’s interesting how it presents differently in people, I’m definitely more chilled and rational about everything now I’m on medication for it but I still wouldn’t trust myself to be at home permanently, I’d drive my Dh mad with looking for things to do.

Basically you just realised that there is more to life than just working. Nothing bad with it.

Yanbu. I think the expectations of women are so high. We are told we need to be feminists and it's been twisted to mean we need to work full time, be mothers plus do everything in the home to a high standard, cart our kids to their numerous activities and also be a good loving supporting partner with a big smile on our face. Whilst the majority of men go to work and come home. End of.

Women are burnt out and exhausted. SAHM is a job in its own right and we should be celebrating and welcoming this way of life more. I think women have been their own worst enemy and we have burnt ourselves out claiming we can do what men can do. We can do what men can do, and I think we can do it a whole lot better at that. But we shouldn't be doing it all. You can't be raising kids as a full time mum and work at the same time. Yet it's somehow expected.

YANBU OP. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be at home with you're young children.

I think when you have children something fundamentally changes in some people, because I'm including fathers in this as well.

When I was pregnant with our first I remember a friend asking what I intended to so after maternity leave and I squealed indignantly that I wasn't having a personality transplant and that I would be returning to work full time. I had a good, well paid, professional job, a couple of degrees and had worked hard to get where I was.

I gave birth and that was it. I couldn't imagine leaving him and I went back part time after about 10 months. I had 2 more children and I've never worked F/T since I had our first.

Eventually I set up my own business which is what I still do and have done for over a decade. I haven't earned anywhere near as much as I could have done and my pension is pitiful but I've been at home for my children which was and still is (even thought 2 are young adults now) very important to me. Also I really enjoy my job and I am my own boss.

Fortunately my DH agreed. He has and still does work F/T and fortunately for all of us earns a good salary/pension.

The best job I ever had, between working in the City and going back to university for a year's postgrad, was nanny/housekeeper to 2 littles boys aged then 3 and 5. Thoroughly enjoyed shopping, cooking, washing, tidying up, amusing the children, ironing, cleaning etc. I was more or less my own boss, had a great routine and immense job satisfaction.
Whilst I still enjoy cooking, washing & ironing, I really dislike shopping (unless at an open-air market) and cleaning.
Sadly, where I live (relatively rural in Europe) there are no online delivery services for the boring stuff and it is difficult, although not impossible, to find and retain a cleaner. As soon as I start my next project, a cleaner will be engaged.

You're completely right. I remember my mum saying something very similar way back in the mists of time and obviously I dismissed it as it being her being an old fuddy duddy and just wrong.

As I've got older I see I was the one who was wrong and not just about this 😂

Nothing wrong with that. My dc are young adults now but I was a SAHM mum when they were very young. Eventually I went back to work 1 day a week and gradually increased to full time again as they grew up.

Although my dc were young 20 years ago, so much has changed in that time and most mums I know have to work at least part time after mat leave.

We had no expensive cars or holidays but lots of brilliant camping trips and holidays. I bought and sold things on Ebay.

I have no regrets at all, I cherished that time with them. I think raising children is an extremely important job. The most important job, in fact.