To just want to be a housewife?

[CasketBase]

I don’t know what’s happened to me. Growing up as a teen I was very rebellious and independent, I wanted the world. Started working early, went to university, started working full time and studied in my spare time. My job prior to having a child was serious and I was working my way up. Then DC came and I went part time self employed and ever since I’ve had her, I don’t want that life at all. She is 3 and is part time in nursery whilst I work but originally I wanted to do well in my work but now I don’t care. All I want is to look after my daughter, clean my home, and spend my time cooking and gardening.
Is this normal?! I could t care less about a career or earning lots of money or anything. I live rurally and all I care about now is nature and ‘homliness’. I genuinely love ironing, hanging out the washing and making the beds. I have ADHD and these were jobs that used to paralyse me, but now I find comfort and calmness in them and it’s the work I can’t cope with. Is this a phase? Or is this something to do with becoming a parent? It’s bizarre, it’s like I’ve had a personality transplant.

I'm currently awaiting assessment for autism but I suspect I have both autism and adhd. I definitely think this plays a big part.

I didn't even want children growing up I wanted a big career. I was super focused at uni. A career was my focus. Got pregnant on the pill so tried to combine it.
It's felt pretty impossible as I now have a child with additional needs that needs more one to one support. I just have no headspace for work although I do part time and self employed business. I don't want to be reliant on my husband but our society makes it so hard to be there for children and work. The expectations now are to be performing your best on all platforms consistently and never letting either down. Yet work want you to work like you have no other commitments or life outside of work and school want you present as if you're a 1950s housewife down the road ready to be at the bake sale at a moments notice.

I am burnt out. I want to garden everyday just for the peace and solice so i can continue to be present for my children and function. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Maybe the motivation for work will come back maybe it won't. For me I can't understand running myself into the ground and my kids losing out. In my situation it's not even possible the childcare and support doesn't even exist. It makes no sense.

I invest and save money so I hopefully wont be up shit creek if I do divorce but no I certainly don't have passion for work right now op. You're not alone. I do ask myself what's it all for? With the cost if living crisis too it's not even working to get ahead to achieve a really nice lifestyle it's just stress to pay the bills. Feels utterly depressing.

Yes thinking back it does seem odd, but I was happy to be left at playschool a couple of hours a week when 2-3, ran off to reception at 4 without so much as a backwards glance, but my mum leaving me to go do something else she prioritised above me, whether that be work/leisure, really triggered something in me 🤷‍♀️

It is absolutely fine to feel total contentment with your situation now. It sounds like you have found a really positive balance to your life. You are also pragmatic about the future which is also good.
Your DD will really benefit from having you very present in her life.
Unfortunately many people don't support it for whatever reason and that's fine but try not to let it get you down.

Clearly. It sounds as though you had never considered the fact that your mother was, in fact, a person with her own interests aside from you. That's a level of co-dependence that most of us wouldn't want for our children.

This happened to me 13 years ago… other women were the most judgemental! My two are now in secondary and they still need me, they also are very independent enough to travel abroad on school trips and stay over friends houses for sleepovers and are high achievers at school. I have told them they are free to chose their future, if they wish to focus on career then fine, if they want to have a family and bring in a full time nanny, then they need to earn enough to earn that lifestyle and if they wish to become a STAH mummy then that’s fine too! I will not judge, that is true feminism! Not judging other women for their choices!

I think the runner up from this year’s The Apprentice was spot on (as a high flying grade A student, speaker of multiple languages) she wanted to be a business owner and be there for her children. Having a business always empowers you, working for someone else, aiming to get a promotion will always mean you are a slave to the system! Well done you!

If this is what is making you and your family happy at this point in your life and you can afford to do it, ignore the naysayers. You only have one life don't live it the way anyone else dictates.

One of the problems is that paid employment is often unrewarding and/or stressful. There's a lot of bureaucracy and administrative tasks around most jobs too. Very few people have the luxury of going out to a job that they just love. Looking after a baby or small child you do love and a house can seem quite appealing in comparison.

I think most people don't want to sink into homeliness and apple pie forever though. If only it were easier to build your own balanced lifestyle organically but the majority end up just being pulled in too many directions at once.

Of course it's ok! Why would you expect to be the exact same person you were in your teens vs your 20s vs your 30s? I was also hardworking and ambitious and had a good job before. Then I had kids and I find life with them so much more interesting and fulfilling than an office job.

I understand this OP. I think the combination of working, children, life admin etc can cause us to be exhausted. Also, one does reflect on what is important when children come along. I am still working full-time because I want to and still enjoy it, but it is very tempting to pack it in especially as I don’t NEED (but would prefer) the money.

i have DD who aspire to go to university and have a worthwhile career. I am worried that I am giving them the wrong message if I don’t work and contribute to society financially to pay for our education and health systems, roads etc. Also, one does question what is the point of my DDs going to university (and associated costs) if they ultimately want to be a housewife.

Men don’t seem to have the choice. I think we need to be careful what message we are giving to our DDs.

I would love to do this for about 2 months and then I’d go mad!

There is nothing wrong with being a housewife or working PT but for me personally I would really struggle living off someone else and depending on another person for everything.
I would also feel it was unfair if I didn’t work and my partner was working FT as I’m sure he’d like to potter around at home all day too.

Do whatever you want to do, there is no right or wrong answer, but I personally would work at least PT because then you have the best of both worlds.

I am the only breadwinner in the family and I, like you, would love to be a housewife. But circumstances don't permit it. I totally understand you.

I totally understand how you feel and I felt the same after having my children.

Oh yes, absolutely to the quantity time not just quality time. It's important to be there for all the little unplanned moments not just exciting day trips to LegoLand. It's important to be there for simple things like 'look at this little picture I drew' or I've just scuffed my knee and need a hug, or days when they are just extra cuddly and need some emotional support. Or just so they know you are there keeping them safe or to ask a quick question which might be silly and dull to you but might be really important part of gaining independence to them - such as 'look mum I've just buttoned my own cardi/ironed my own shirt/made my first sandwich'.

Personally, we always planned for life post children that I could be a SAHM. I've always been a one thing at a time kind of a person that needs her downtime, and being a mum has proved that even more.

My children are my job - which includes evenings and weekends! So the idea that I would then take on a job in addition to this and have zero downtime would send me to the Drs I think.

I'm lucky to be in this position and I know that many don't have this option, but believe me, I planned for it.

When the time is right and both my children are at school I will go back to work part time. I'm 6 years in and feel so mumsy now and miss making my own money, but I asked for this life so I'm enjoying it and still feel I'm learning lots of new skills.

Yanbu at all

I want the same, although I'm a city woman so I want to take dd out and browse shops and markets

I like cooking and don't hate cleaning

This is the free-est and happiest I've been in ages, being a mum to dd xx

Each to their own though and I have zero judgement for working parents who enjoy it 🙌

If that's what you want and you can afford it then of course it's fine. People do change their priorities and wants/needs as they get older.

I think I have ADHD and I'd be the worst housewife ever as I'm pretty terrible at cleaning. I actively find it quite daunting.

It's not something I understand at all but I wouldn't say it was unusual. My ambition hasn't changed just because I've had children and I still enjoy working full time.

I lost interest in my job and did give up work after having second child and having stepson with us full time but be er found enjoyment in cooking and cleaning! I don’t think this has anything to do with ADHD just a different stage in your life.
You might change yet again when your child is older.

I think this makes sense, as you sound like someone who is very all or nothing. When your focus was on your job, it had a huge amount of energy from you. And now it's your DD, she has that same huge amount of energy. What wouldn't make sense is if you suddenly because someone who is happy with a more relaxed, compromised approach.
Being a SAHM wouldnt be for me, but if it suits you and your family and you genuinely don't feel it puts you at any financial or independence risk - now or in the future - then embrace what is right for you.

I used to, I used to be paralysed by the thought of anything. That’s why it’s so bizarre how it’s gone the other way. It’s now so soothing, order in the chaos of parenting and working I guess? I’m not sure. It’s weird.

have ADHD and these were jobs that used to paralyse me, but now I find comfort and calmness in them

Then there is hope for the rest of us, 😂although I've also heard of ADHD people having a really hard time with parenting too because of all the admin.

Having a baby can be a major mind shift for women. One Youtuber I occasionally follow said she lost all interest in her New Age hobbies when she became a mother, and instead switched to gardening.

Honestly, power to you for enjoying yourself and making it work. Even if you only worked 1 day a week, that's still something to put on your C.V. I don't think any employer has asked me yet how many hours in certain jobs I worked. As far as they're aware, you'll have worked full time or close to it unless you state otherwise. Hopefully you're in a good financial position because if your marriage doesn't work out, you'll need it.

Thank you everyone for your responses, it’s been eye opening. Sorry I can’t reply to you all.

As I’ve said I’m not giving up work at all, I wouldn’t, financially life is getting tougher for all and you never know what’s around the corner, okay when my daughter is 12 and I’m no longer the focus of her world then I’ll be glad of cresting a life for myself. As I say it has just taken me by surprise the flip of it all, I never thought I’d be this person.

It’s sad that women feel like their choices have been taken away. It’s interesting that women feel like instead of having more freedom, they have less in a way. Damned to work but damned financially if they don’t.

I think it largely depends on the partner. If a man is happy to provide, loves his job and gives you open access to funds there is no need to feel guilty about being a housewife. Some men actually see it as a badge of honour.

Of course being with a financially controlling person who expects you to beg and grovel for £50 and throws you not working back in your face at any given opportunity is a whole other story. My sister had one of these twats when she was a SAHM whilst the kids were little.

It’s the old ‘you work to live but you shouldn’t live to work’ thing. When I’m in work I just think ‘there’s another hour’s wage clicked’ then yes, like getting home!

Yes!

Model the fact she has a choice (as far as her life circumstances dictate, mind) and the fact “conforming” isn’t a measure of her worth.