To just want to be a housewife?

[CasketBase]

I don’t know what’s happened to me. Growing up as a teen I was very rebellious and independent, I wanted the world. Started working early, went to university, started working full time and studied in my spare time. My job prior to having a child was serious and I was working my way up. Then DC came and I went part time self employed and ever since I’ve had her, I don’t want that life at all. She is 3 and is part time in nursery whilst I work but originally I wanted to do well in my work but now I don’t care. All I want is to look after my daughter, clean my home, and spend my time cooking and gardening.
Is this normal?! I could t care less about a career or earning lots of money or anything. I live rurally and all I care about now is nature and ‘homliness’. I genuinely love ironing, hanging out the washing and making the beds. I have ADHD and these were jobs that used to paralyse me, but now I find comfort and calmness in them and it’s the work I can’t cope with. Is this a phase? Or is this something to do with becoming a parent? It’s bizarre, it’s like I’ve had a personality transplant.

This happened to me. I was massively driven as a teenager, wanted to be a high flying career woman. I graduated to MA level, including Law degree.

Then I got a bit older and all I wanted was to be a housewife, so that’s what I am. There’s a little more to it as our child has medical needs that means they require extra support but we could make me working a possibility if I really wanted to, but I’m very happy to be at home with them instead.

It works for us currently. I’m aware our marriage could break down at any second, although obviously hoping it never does! I’m happy, my husband is happy and my child is happy.

I think your changed feelings about your career are very understandable.
Before my DC I was pretty passionate about my career but during the toddler years I was lucky enough to be able to work part time. And I distinctly remember feeling that if we could have afforded it I would have loved to stop work completely and just enjoy being a SAHM, gardening, cooking etc.
I remember thinking that it was an evolutionary mistake to make highly educated and intelligent women also highly maternal 😂.
But then as the DC got a bit older and started school, I found that I became more engaged with my career again although I wanted to work differently. I left my employer and started my own consultancy which worked brilliantly around the children and was very lucrative. Although of course there were stressful times too. Another upside of continuing to work throughout the early years was that my DH had to step up and so he got a closer relationship with the DC than he might have done otherwise.
The DC are all grown now. I retired a few years ago but missed it so much I went back part time. I’ve no regrets and feel very privileged that I got to work part time /be with the DC so much for so many years but also I maintained my career. Love my career now so glad I didn’t let it go! But also so glad that I worked as little as possible when the DC were little and enjoyed them.

When you have a child, you need to prioritise your financial position. It’s not just you any more. Change jobs, if your current one isn’t working for you.

I don't think it's even just about if you have children or not.

I think if you ask any adult, every single adult would prefer to stay at home and Potter about, and not work.

If we could afford it.

I dream of the day when basic universal income comes in. They've trialled it already in several countries.

It would mean that they would give every person a basic income, whether they work or not.

You're not alone @CasketBase Lots of women think like this, but many won't admit it, especially if they have presented as feminists for many years. Having to work, (whether full time OR part time,) AND be a mum/housewife is fucking shit. You get no breaks or downtime, and you're constantly run ragged. Because even if you're part time, you still end up doing most of the grunt work/domestic duties/life admin/childcare! I worked a combination of full time, then part time, then back to full time, then back to part time when my DC were children. If I could see my time over again, I would have been a SAHM. I fucking hated the workplace.

Luckily, I do a very chilled work-from-home admin job now for just 16 hours a week (I am late 50s) and this suits me down the ground. Working in an actual workplace, having to meet targets and goals, and keep going on training courses, and having to put up with quarterly appraisals, (to see how I could 'do better,') and spending time with people I loathed, (or just thought were OK but would never spend time with if I wasn't working with them) was truly shite. There was always someone in every workplace who was a cunt, or a bully, or a letch.

Working is wank really, for most. Moreso for women IMO. It's not about being lazy, it's about the politics of the workplace, and cunty colleagues who are loathsome for various reasons. Anyone who loves their job/their workplace/their colleagues is very lucky. Most women I know don't. And some men don't either. My DH doesn't like his job, but sticks it as he is in his late 50s, and has a 30 hour a week contract, and he won't get that anywhere else at his age (he's been there 22 years now.)

I agree we women were sold a dream that was a load of fake bollocks.

Yes, I love my work, I think that it's just hard running a house with kids these days.

Childcare and other home help is very expensive in the UK. I think its the doing everything yourself part thats exhausting. Many other cultures have a more village approach to raising children, which would also help.

I would hate to be a full time SAHM with my current life, doing washing all day and cleaning skirting boards etc, but to cut down on working for money and have home help on top, so I could spend my days doing things I love to do, or start my own business doing things I love, would be amazing. But I am sure all humans would love to do that, male or female.

I’m torn, too. I have a job that I love and makes a lot of money, however so does my husband. I’m currently on mat leave with DS. We could afford me not going back. But what If I’ll regret it? I’m not worried about divorce but I am afraid if I “lose” my career.

Our financial position is fine. You’re looking for things that aren’t there. I currently work part time and have said when she goes to school that will change. But I’m not giving up my time with her to boost finances that don’t need boosting. I have also said I am aware how fortunate I am.

I have said this a million times, but I was asking about the change in my feelings, I don’t need financial advice.

Going with this thinking of women's only role in life is to care for a house/children why do women bother to go to school or uni, why do schools not just teach 'how to keep home' type subjects

And is the way posters on here are raising their daughters to think and sons to expect?

I think when you have smaller kids that it is much more common to feel this way. When my kids were small I worked part time and tried to fit as much of their activities and stuff as I could. I loved being there mum

There now teenagers, one is just about to leave school and one is coming up to 14yrs, I do feel that it's time for me to get my life back. Working out regularly, working full time and doing adult things at the weekends (they can be left at home). They still need me but in a different way than they did before.

I had a personality transplant aswell. And omg a freshly hoovered stairs- who'd have known it? It's all very depressing in some ways. I don't think it's a woman thing, but I think the next steps will be men will need to also assert themselves in their choice to stay at home, similar to how women had to fight for working. Then hopefully the pendulum will settle where work balance is better, pay gap is smaller, options to stay at home are more equal. I think parenting as a task has become a bigger deal in recent decades, but housework has become easier.

eta- depressing in that if I met my younger self she'd be DISGUSTED with me, but then I'm happier than her so she'd want to cop onto herself.

I struggled with the baby stages but in the last year I find I look forward to hanging out the washing! That’s why I wanted to ask here if it was something bizarre going on with my brain or if other people feel the same way

Nope. Didn’t happen that way for me. Having kids did not seem to change my utter distaste for domesticity. Would much rather work than deal with laundry etc. Sad thing is I/DH have to deal with it all anyway as house fairies don’t exist and we can’t be arsed doing mad tidy up’s for a cleaner to come. However, working means you have to cram it into a short amount of time. If we didn’t work, we’d sit there and just look at all the domestic chores to be done, procrastinate endlessly and then have to cram them in late at night before bed anyway.

ETA - both DH and I also despised pretty much all children’s craft and most kiddie activities. We still did it all with the kids though so they didn’t miss out, let them get glitter everywhere, play-doh everywhere, danced to Wiggles etc with them and took them to the concerts, took them to soft-play, parks etc. Basically, put on a happy face and faked enthusiasm with the kids but felt like hell on the inside having to do all that stuff. We hit our stride with parenting, where our inside feelings matched those we had on the outside once the kids got older, became more independent, and listened to things like Queen/ACDC rather than the fucking Wiggles (we both would have been happy if Jeff never woke up🤣).

I should also add that we pay voluntary contributions to my pension and I think this is very important if giving up work.

Oh I'd love to be a house wife! Thank you for saying it out loud as I'm always scared too, it doesn't seem to be an very acceptable life choice in most circles.

Very luckily though I was a house wife until my youngest reached full-time education so about 4 years, although I did have a part time evening job for a couple of years. We could afford it then. We can't now.

I honestly think that the government should also focus on making it more affordable for a parent to stay at home until children reach full time school age, and more logistically possible in terms of a career break for those who want to go back, rather than only concentrate on making nursery affordable.

I've been full-time employed for the last 7 years, and I've enjoyed a lot of it but I'd love to go back to being a housewife. I live rurally too, if I lived commutable to central London I'd probably want to be in a busy vibrant office with interesting adults, (not that rural adults aren't interesting!) but I find the offices and office work quite dull around here. We've recently moved house and I love my new home, I'd love to be keeping it all nice and clean and tidy and homely for the family, I'd love to spend days cooking and cleaning, walking the dog, making everything lovely for the family. At the moment my husband works long stressful hours so I currently work fulltime and do all that, so none of it is fun! I'd rather just concentrate and enjoy the home-making stuff.

But alas, we cannot afford it.

Oh and I absolutely do not have ADHD in the slightest so it's not that for me I am definitely an introvert which might be more of the reason I'd like that life.

Thank you for posting and giving me the opportunity to say this out loud! 😀

I think it's risky to hang too much of your idea of yourself on being a mother. I noticed someone described themselves as being indispensable to their family - that's the case now, but children naturally grow apart from their parents, as they should. What happens when they grow up and their parents become peripheral to their lives? I think it's important for mothers to keep a sense of themselves as whole beings separate from motherhood (and fathers, although they generally do this anyway because mothers end up having to do most of the work of parenting), and work can be a way of doing that.

I feel the same these days. Though I don’t like housework either.

I have ADHD and like you love hanging out the sheets and gardening. I think a lot of it is about the simplicity and peace compared to everything else.

I do a high stress & pressure job and I cycle through being amazing then feeling burnt out. We don’t have kids yet but I work compressed hours to give me an extra day off which helps a bit.

I can see how having a break in work could easily put me off going back as I currently don’t know any different and that burn out is just part of day to day life!

But arent you all relying on your partner though to carry the financial load?

Im a single parent of 2 so carry it all myself. I have a happy balance of full time wfh so can do the drop offs and pick ups plus spend lots of time with the kids. I think id like to be at home but would get 1. worried that i had no skills if the marriage failed, 2. worried that i wouldnt be a good role model for my kids

Expect the 'what if' doom and gloom brigade to arrive shortly to inform you that you'd end up destitute when not if your husband divorces you and remind you that your preference to stay home is propping up the patriarchy!

I'm a housewife. I did work, but the day I gave up knowing I'd never have to go back was the BIGGEST relief and weight off my shoulders I can't even describe it. Pottering around gardening, keeping a nice home, not having to work to somebody else's schedule, popping to the butchers on a whim to pick up some steaks to surprise my family with a nice BBQ when they get home, being here for my animals, visiting my retired parents, all the little things I'd never have the time to do if I was still working my 40hr week.

I hope you and your partner manage to have the traditional lifestyle you'd prefer.

Sorry I did't have the headspace to read the whole thread but:

I gave up a big career to be a housewife and look after my DS. It's fine. I couldn't have gone back to work. I really wanted to be here for him.

I do a little bit of volunteer work and that is good.

I think you should just follow what you feel.

@CasketBase id also add my partner has ADHD and he is similar. Working the 9 to 5 type role wouldnt work and he says himself that his life is hobbies with work on top. He's lucky enough to be financially secure through inheritance. I guess its the same as you in the sense you are also financially secure too so have the option to be at home. It's an interesting discussion.

I definitely can relate to where you are coming from. I have a 2 &3 year old and work FT. I'm lucky in that my role has a lot of flexibility, hybrid so time at home with kids and compressed hours so a day a week off. I'm in a fairly senior position and growing up was focused on a career.

More and more I just want to be in the garden and if I didn't need to work, I don't think I would. That's quite a pivotal change for me...I thought my job/career was essential for my sense of self. Turns out its not.

I think some of this is kids re focusing your priorities and also just naturally getting older/wiser and finding that a simpler life can be very satisfying. I no longer feel that I need to prove anything by being successful..which has given me time to think about what I actually want.

In your shoes, I would relish being able to be PT, keep your toes in the work world, but absolutely do the things that make you, and therefore your kids, happy.

Life is a long old song and you can always work or retrain for another career. But your children are only tiny once ❤️

@TheTigerWhoCameToBrunch

Role modelling “independence and self reliance” to a baby/toddler and I’d say even through the difficult teen years is a load of guff. Children need the stability of a present parent. They need not just quality time but quantity time.

This 100%. You have to show up for your kids. They will remember you for it.

Struggling to cope without your mother at the age of 6 for a few hours isn't a healthy attachment, it's a worrying level of enmeshment and you were done a disservice. Children who have a healthy attachment to their parents can be left with other people for periods of time, because they know and trust that their parents will return.

OP, there's nothing wrong with wanting to be a housewife.

If you get the opportunity to do it, it's important to make sure you have a reliable financial plan in case your relationship ends. It's not for me, I hate housework and cleaning, but it is a valid choice.