To just want to be a housewife?

[CasketBase]

I don’t know what’s happened to me. Growing up as a teen I was very rebellious and independent, I wanted the world. Started working early, went to university, started working full time and studied in my spare time. My job prior to having a child was serious and I was working my way up. Then DC came and I went part time self employed and ever since I’ve had her, I don’t want that life at all. She is 3 and is part time in nursery whilst I work but originally I wanted to do well in my work but now I don’t care. All I want is to look after my daughter, clean my home, and spend my time cooking and gardening.
Is this normal?! I could t care less about a career or earning lots of money or anything. I live rurally and all I care about now is nature and ‘homliness’. I genuinely love ironing, hanging out the washing and making the beds. I have ADHD and these were jobs that used to paralyse me, but now I find comfort and calmness in them and it’s the work I can’t cope with. Is this a phase? Or is this something to do with becoming a parent? It’s bizarre, it’s like I’ve had a personality transplant.

And if he leaves me then I will work. I did a course part time to support what I do and I’m pretty good at my job, it’s my lack of drive currently for it. But I’m not going to give up precious time with my small child just in case he leaves me. If he does, I will make life work as loads of other women do. School will be here soon enough and we will see how things are then.

You just did.

YANBU at all
My DC are my greatest achievement and I was lucky enough to be at home with all 3

Your DC aren’t your ‘achievement’ — they are themselves.

But while so many people here are saying best for their children is mum pottering in the garden and homebaked cookies every day after school, even if this means going without and living a more frugal life, I decided to offer them financial security instead

Why is it best if mum is pottering in the garden or baking cookies every day though? Our kids were always looked after by myself/DH until they went to school. They did preschool/school readiness though at the right age, but until the last went through we still were at home with the younger ones, doing school/preschool drop off and pick ups. We also both worked full time. So, our kids had stay at home parents providing full care plus we worked (we did opposite days/shifts).

I hated, and still do, gardening. So does DH. Sure, we had little garden bed set up so kids could grow seeds etc and get that experience but as for ‘pottering in the garden’, fuck that. Why is it best for kids that parents do that?

Same as the cookie concept. We always did, and still do, cook from scratch for health purposes. I understand if the intent of this is that it’s best if kids have food made from scratch, and I don’t disagree (nor would I say this is confined to kids!), but I think you can be honest with kids that for you personally, while it’s necessary, it doesn’t float your boat. I hate cooking but it’s a necessary evil to me, so I do it. We did appropriate cooking with kids as activity when they were little and put a fun front on it when doing it with them, but when they got older and understood we all have different preferences and things that enthuse us, no way I would pretend cooking did it for me! So, is it important that kids have nutritious meals or that they have a parent who ‘vibes’ with the making thereof?

YANBU to want to be a housewife but you would be unreasonable to not have security if your relationship went sideways. I’d love to be a housewife even though my children are teens now. Basically I want to retire really early with enough money to not have to worry about paying bills and going on holidays etc. I need to win set for life! (Happy with housewife or stay at home mum/dad/parent but hate “full time mummy” 🤨)

YANBU at all. Of course it's normal. If you are able to do that then do what makes you happy.

I hear you OP! I had a big salary and no work life balance. Now I work part time in the same industry but a more junior role. I bake a lot, cook very well and garden a lot but less well.,. Then I host amazing play dates because it is Friday/ sunny/ raining…. I’m glad I keep working so if I need to re-enter the workforce it isn’t too hard to adapt. I wish I had more money, but you can’t have it all.

I was a SAHM for 10 years when mine were little

I loved it

But once my youngest started school a fire burned again to work

I started my own business and became consumed by it. It's a small business but I've made a success of it but I tell you what it's burned me out a bit.

Even though mine are now young adults and teens I sometimes yearn for the simplicity of those days.

I do a lot less domestically but I miss it a bit.

Also I've found that teens still really need you and there have been times I felt I wasn't wholly present because of being so consumed with making my business a success

Recently I've come off social media and scaled back because I just want to enjoy my kids before they leave home and the simple things

Success can look like one thing in our online comparison obsessed world but now I'm menopausal, tired and reflective I know what really matters

I had an extended maternity leave due to Covid and furlough and found being at home with a preschooler and a baby while my husband was out working long shifts, much harder than my job! However now things are back open and my kids are a bit older and easier to manage due to being at school, I would not mind a year off being a SAHW. I think it’s the old adage that women are still expected to work like they don’t have kids and parent like they don’t have a job. It’s all a bit much trying to balance it all.

I was a SAHM for 3 years and i found it mind numbingly boring. I love working part time and am now in a senior and responsible job, earning a great pension and the ability to supplement our household income and savings.

How you feel is absolutely valid though, even if it’s now how everyone feels.

OP hasn't lost ambition. She has changed her priorities at a certain stage in life. You don't always have to sacrifice what you want, in this case staying at home with her child, because of what might happen in the future. As she said, if there are major life changes she will change to meet them. She has no reason to believe that the relationship with her husband won't last and no reason to think she will be in poverty if it didn't.

I'm an engaged, loving mother who works full time. I still raise my children, nursery care for them during working hours but they don't raise them.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the kind of ‘fingers in ears singing tralala, not listening, might never happen’ thinking that lands women and their children in poverty, deskilled and with a giant CV gap.

Except I’ve said that I’m working part time and even studied last year and I keep my cv up to date.

If my marriage goes tits up I have a place to go to stay till I land myself a full time job and I believe that by doing what I’m doing I could either do that or upscale my business. I just don’t want to right now, I’m not throwing away quality time with my small child based on what’s if’s. I also get half of my house and I have both a private and state pension and the forecasts are doing okay as I checked last month.

I’ve said that many times on this thread so The only one with fingers in their ears here is you!

I absolutely understand this, and in a way feel the same. However I've elected to go part time while my kids are young (4 and 7 currently). I feel that strikes the right balance for me with an eye on pushing on in my career at a later date if i want/having some financial independence presently.

I was referring to @ClareBlue’s take on your situation. You obviously do you, but tbh, I’d just come out and own my lack of ambition.

…I literally have many times on this thread? That’s what the whole thread is about, where has my ambition gone? That’s exactly what I’m asking, I’m ’owning’ it and have since the original post.

I stopped being interested in work pre-baby. Had a big burnout, and seven months out. Then worked part-time whilst studying for a year, then a short break before a much better paid job, had my son, and went compressed hours.

He's in nursery 3 days a week, but because I WFH, it feels like a four day weekend every weekend.

My dream would be to send him to nursery three days, write, DIY, garden and potter.

Re the comments about divorce...to be fair, I work full time and divorce would still ruin my finances. 50/50 would mean a much smaller house, less money etc etc

I admit SAHPs are more vulnerable in a divorce but tbh it's going to be financially difficult for most whether you work or not

Not to be crude but it also depends on the value of the marital assets being split. A SAHM of a wealthy partner is going to do better than someone where there really isn't much to split. The SAHM in these scenarios may well find it a lot easier to retrain and enter a reasonably well paid profession than lots of people imagine.

A SAHM of a wealthy partner is going to do better
Certainly. I'm thinking though that posters writing how they had to live modestly and do without just so they could be a SAHM are probably not married to wealthy men.

Yes exactly. Also how easy it is for them to re-enter their profession. It's quite possible that a SAHP with a wealthy partner and savings, assets etc would be in a better position post divorce than a full time worker on a lower income. I think if you plan to be a SAHP it's good to be aware of how much you'd get (and how you'd cope financially) in a divorce - but it's not a problem unique to SAHPs. A lot of couples would have to downsize etc in a divorce

I think it's really sweet. My mum only ever wanted to be a mum and housewife. She did work as we got older but her primary goal was a happy home and family life.

She's warm and maternal and fun; I'm serious and analytical and have no desire to SAH. Neither is wrong. Little girls learn everything by example and my mum gave me the best one which is that you can be whatever you want to be! If you want to work and find meeting your career ambitions fulfilling then you can. If you want to stay at home and focus on family life then that is also fine! Feminism means we get to choose.

I think it's lovely that you acknowlege this change in yourself, have a supportive husband, and together have the means to follow your new desire to SAH. Life is too short to be unhappy if you can avoid it!

It's always so depressing on these threads when people go on about how you should live your life as if your marriage is about to break up. Of course it might do whether you're in work or not. Of course finances would change. But who thinks it's healthy to think this way endlessly?

Thanks for the divorce klaxon guys! Now let people live their lives that they are actually living without the doomsday scenario. We do realise this! We're not naive female fools!

Awaits the "but, but!" doomsday reminders