To just want to be a housewife?

[CasketBase]

I don’t know what’s happened to me. Growing up as a teen I was very rebellious and independent, I wanted the world. Started working early, went to university, started working full time and studied in my spare time. My job prior to having a child was serious and I was working my way up. Then DC came and I went part time self employed and ever since I’ve had her, I don’t want that life at all. She is 3 and is part time in nursery whilst I work but originally I wanted to do well in my work but now I don’t care. All I want is to look after my daughter, clean my home, and spend my time cooking and gardening.
Is this normal?! I could t care less about a career or earning lots of money or anything. I live rurally and all I care about now is nature and ‘homliness’. I genuinely love ironing, hanging out the washing and making the beds. I have ADHD and these were jobs that used to paralyse me, but now I find comfort and calmness in them and it’s the work I can’t cope with. Is this a phase? Or is this something to do with becoming a parent? It’s bizarre, it’s like I’ve had a personality transplant.

They never mention "but what if he dies" or "but what if he becomes ill" or "but what if you have an unwell parent" or "what if your child turns out to be Ted Bundy" or any other potential disaster in your life.

It's always "you know he's going to cheat on you and leave you for a younger model and where will you be then?"

Like it's inevitable. Despite around 58% of marriages lasting the course. More than half. But let's focus on the bad side of it, right? Plan for that.

Protecting yourself and making sure you aren't leaving yourself financially vulnerable is never depressing. It also doesn't mean that you are endlessly thinking that way.

You misread my post - the depressing part is is endlessly being told to think our marriage is going to end in divorce. And it is endlessly repeated on these threads.

Many marriages “last the course” miserably because the partners haven’t kept their financial and/or career and/or housing options open. Not because they are actually happy to remain married.

Being trapped in an abusive or bad marriage due to financial dependency is a hellish prospect.

And many last the course happily. But let's not talk about that hey.

I am literally right there with you OP! I was always so career minded and independent growing up, I was on the property ladder by 23 and started in my profession at 21, working my way up with consistent promotions to senior management by the time I had my little boy at 37, then the day he was born it was like a switch just flicked in me and all of a sudden I just wanted to stay home with him all the time, keep the house clean and tidy and cook home made meals everyday! It’s so weird I think this side of me was always there but just never had the opportunity to come out. Before I had him I was always first in and last out when it came to work, some weeks working in excess of 10 hours (unpaid) overtime. I can’t imagine feeling that passionate about work now, it feels so far down on my priority list but we can’t really be without my salary as it’s the lions share of our income

OP I could have written your post. I was also so career driven, built myself up a fantastic career. As soon as I got pregnant I just didn’t want to put all of my focus on it anymore. I just thought the most important job I will ever do is be a mother.

I went part time to two days and reduced my role yet kept senior and good pay, pension etc, I couldn’t face giving I’m my career up altogether. I love having that time with my two girls and now my youngest is at school I really love my domesticated days I have to potter and take care of our home. I’m fortunate that me being home (mostly) has meant my DH has been able to willingly go all in at work and is a high earner. Our family literally couldn’t function without our individual roles.

I do enjoy my job but I’d happily give it up too as I really enjoy being a homemaker. It’s so odd to me as well as I was so not domestic at all growing up and so independent. But I realised I was so independent because of the need to be, now I have a loving partner and we can depend on one another. So strange how the mindset shift comes and knocks you off your feet. I feel as though my thoughts growing up were massively influenced by our generation being told we can have and do it all. But I’ve realised as I’ve gotten older that I don’t want to do and have it all and that’s ok too.

Because mumsnet is full of desperately sad women trapped in horrible marriages and one of the first things they usually say is ''I can't leave, I'm a SAHM and have nothing''.

It is a huge risk and I don't blame others for pointing it out.

I completely get what you are saying, I think a lot of people are scared of saying it. I enjoy keeping a lovely home, cooking from scratch, trying new recipes, baking and spending time with my children doing crafts, playing games etc. I did take nearly 7 years off work from when I got pregnant with my daughter to when my son was 22 months old. But it was so hard to find a job again and I really struggled with my son constantly ill from nursery germs and no family to help me. The biggest problem I find is if you don’t have a support system especially family whom you can count on then it becomes really tough while juggling a full time job. I am back to working full time now and though I enjoy my job and WFH nearly all the time, it is still tiring and stressful. The cost of labour is so high here that it is hard to outsource things to other people unless you have a very high wage. We have to do most things ourselves! We do have a weekly cleaner but there is still so much to do! I think you are doing the right thing by going part time so you don’t have a gap in your CV and you are still spending quality time with your child. I would love to drop to less than full time but I am on a fixed term contract in a very stressful job so just going to continue till the contract runs out.

Financially I never worried much when I was not working, as even without my husband supporting me, I have savings and investments from when I was single and working, and also have inherited property and money from my grand father and father. So I could easily manage without working if I wanted to, but I feel it is important to set a good example to my children. Though I sometimes wonder if I should cut down my hours but it is so hard to find jobs which allow so much flexibility once you are mid to senior mgmt. I enjoy working but for me best of both worlds would be 3 days working at best!

YANBU. I feel the same. Like you, I continue to work part time and have no genuine plans to quit. I worked very hard to get to where I am in my career, and I have loved it, and I’m sure I will love it again.

But, like you, I was genuinely shocked by the seismic shift in perspective and priorities that happened for me when my eldest was born. I suddenly love all things domestic. I sometimes resent my job for taking me away from my children. I fantasise about winning the lottery and packing it all in. Mainly when I feel like I’m doing a rubbish job at juggling and failing at both parenting and work.

I think it is good to be financially independent or atleast have a plan for the worst case scenario. But no point droning on about it. I think the OP is being sensible by working part time so she isn’t unemployed and could take up a full time job if required.

I remember when I was a SAHM and an investment advisor my husband was consulting asked me what I would do if my husband suddenly died, I said well I would get a full time job. He then said do you think it will pay all the bills? I said I have enough money to keep me afloat till then. And if I didn’t fancy working or couldn’t find a job I would sell one of my properties and invest it/live off it. He then looked at my husband and said this one has a plan! 😂

I don't disagree that both parties should be able to support themselves individually, but that doesn't necessarily mean they have to provide 50% of the finances in a relationship at all times.

And for OP, she is working. She is keeping her qualifications up to date. She's got her own business. She can support herself. So what's the point in telling her to prep for divorce when she isn't financially dependent?

She's said herself she isn't planning on not working. She's just exploring her feelings because she never thought that she'd enjoy the "housewife" life but she does. And she's perfectly allowed to explore those feelings. Doesn't require people telling her that her husband will run off.

Nothing happened just more to life. At the end of the day we are just a number at work and easily replaceable when we burn the candle at both ends. Just a number. Spend time with DC and watch her grow. Sounds just beautiful ❤️

Fit and healthy humans should be able to work this way. I am not sure this is ‘abuse’. And we are of course not horses.

"Fit and healthy humans should be able to work this way."
What, working rom around age 22 until age 66?
Five days a week?

Everyone that I know is totally exhausted.

We don't treat animals as badly as we treat humans!

All of our best years are spent working. Then by the time that we retire and have some free time to do things, a lot of people don't have the health or energy to them anymore.

It's a culture designed to keep people trapped.

There are so many different ways the world could be.

Apparently we have fewer days off now than medieval peasants, they only worked around 150 days a year.

But, you know, the hustle life!!!

A lot of systems are set up to keep us constantly slaving away.

I used to work in a bank and I saw how many of the financial systems are designed to keep people trapped in dept. And also trapped in the one place

Banks and society tell people that they have to take out a 300,000 mortgage for a small terraced home. This keeps people trapped in debt for all of their working life.

When actually any of us could build or buy a cheap tiny home/ or a prefab. My cousin just bought a beautiful small prefab static to live in. It didn't cost her much.

Other single people without children could easily buy a van and live in that and just renovate the back of it into a bedroom. However society frowns on that way of living. It doesn't keep you in debt and you will be free to move around. So society will tell you it's wrong.
I do know one woman living in a van and working remotely. She loves her life.

I agree completely. I don’t want a big house or flash car etc, I just want a simple life, what are we striving for? What’s it worth? We aren’t that well off but we’re lucky in that our mortgage is small so I can work part time and I have realised I want to keep it that way, small house, less things, big life. The latest childcare initiatives bother me too, Starmer said that most parents worry about where their child will go so they can go back to work but it’s the opposite, most worry about clothing then, feeding them and spending time with them. I know lots of mums who didn’t want to go back to work as early as they did, it feels like a ploy to get women to work rather than let them be with their kids, that’s where the money should be going, helping parents care for their children so they don’t have to leave them at a few months old.

It’s a cruel world.

Yes and I've noticed a lot of the world is designed by men for men.

Men in power don't look at what's needed for women:
Child care,
Good maternal leave.
Menstrual leave.
How women's menstruation can impact their school/working lives.

I currently work in a residential language school where teens come from all over the world to learn languages. They stay here with us in accommodation while they are here.

Some of the teenage girls asked my female colleague if they could not do some activities one day, as they were having period pains.

She asked our male director. We have to ask him about things like that. He told her that the teenage girls had to do the activities.
His reasoning was "if they get the time off, then everyone will be asking for the time off".

Me and my colleague were talking about it. As we understood the teenagers, but he didn't care in the slightest.

I find the ADHD side of this interesting.

I guess everyone has a different manifestation of the condition but one aspect of it for me is that I absolutely need structure.

I really thrive on work because my job has a lot of deadlines and meetings and other things that help to frame my day.

I find domestic life a lot harder because most domestic tasks don't have clear deadlines and I don't get the same boost from completing a task because mostly it isn't really completed, you have to do it again the next day/week/whatever.

I had a few months off work a few years ago for health reasons and it was awful for me, I really really struggled with having no structure to my day, thankfully my health condition has improved now but I think it would make me depressed.

What I would much prefer to me giving up work would be if DH was a house husband, I would love to not have to think about the domestic sphere at all.

Sadly he doesn't want to so we both work and share/outsource the domestics.

That’s really sad to hear, teenagers need grace at the best of times, but when they’re uncomfortable and in a foreign country even more so. I remember in school if we had period pains in one class then we were made to go for a run around the school to ‘cure’ it. The lack of understanding for women and women’s health is so shocking. I feel like we’ve gotten to a point where when we discuss these sorts of topics we get shouted down with ‘that’s what women fought for’ as though this is a punishment for wanting more for ourselves when all women really want is to choose, to have a choice, to be in charge of our own lives, our own bodies. But we still aren’t. It’s all very disheartening.

A few months old? Most women don't go back to work until their baby is at least 9 months old, sometimes they have the whole first year off if they are able to afford it.

Yeah it's sad.

I also heard one of my other male colleagues say something about menstruation that really annoyed me.

I asked him how his work day was. He said it was bad because there had been a lot of different stresses, including "girls asking me for pads because they were on their periods, and rubbish like that".

He said "and rubbish like that". A lot of men don't want to talk about menstruation at all, as it doesn't happen to them, so they don't care about it in the slightest.

When women's health is so important. It's important because we matter. But also no man would be here at all if it wasn't for a womans reproductive cycle.

It annoys me how little they care. They really don't.

I was also reading Sheryl Sandbergs book recently. She was COO st Facebook.

It had been a predominantly male environment at the top management level before she was hired

She had to ask to get things implemented.

She said she was heavily pregnant, and the parking spaces were very very far from the office. She found it very hard to walk the distance while pregnant.
She asked them to allocate pregnant parking spaces for pregnant women nearer the building. And they did. She got other things implemented for women there too.

They had lots of female employees before her, but she was the first one at a high level, and it took a woman coming in at a high level to improve things for all women there.

Totally get it, I just stopped caring about work that much but also felt I was less able to cope with work. It’s like a switch has flipped in my head.

However, I need to work full time. Luckily, I can do it from home so no commute and early pick ups.

Might just have another baby and stay at home😂