Said no to moving to wife's hometown - wife not happy

[20thCenturyBoy]

I live in a northern city with my wife, our 2 kids, and my older 3 kids 50% of the time. I was born & raised here. Family live here. My wife moved up from London to be with me 9 years ago. Her family live in the west country.

I like living in my home city but accept that my wife made the move up north because I couldn't make the move to London. The youngest of my elder kids is 14 so technically he might be away to Uni in 4 years time.

We've spoken about moving away for a bit to places like Australia or America as her profession would enable this. More recently she has raised the potential of moving back to her hometown in the west country to be closer to her family. Whilst it's a lovely west country market town I absolutely do not want to live in a rural market town. In any country. I like living in cities. Not interested in living in the countryside at all. I have always been open about this.

My clear stance on this has really upset my wife. She has said since she moved to my hometown I should do the same for her. I did point out that it was her choice to move north. But this obviously didn't help. Another minor factor is that my MIL is not someone I want in my life on a weekly basis.

My honesty about not wanting to move to her hometown has created an undercurrent of resentment from her. I can sense it almost every day. She seems to be positioning this as a deal breaker and now she questioning whether we have a future together in the LT!

Am I being completely unreasonable? Any advice appreciated.

We both moved to London and met there.

If my partner was moving to be with me and felt that was a sacrifice they were making, I'd expect them to speak up about it at that point - so we could either work out a future compromise, or determine if we were incompatible when it came to location. But it doesn't sound like the OP's wife did that, from the info we have. It sounds like she gave every impression of being happy to move north.

I don't understand why people are saying she moved for him so he should move for her.

This isn't necessarily an either/or situation. What I was willing to do at 20 I might not be willing to do now at 40. I stayed in the NW for my (now) husband as we had a similar situation as OP. I wouldn't now be threatening to leave because I want to move back to my family. We have a life here, we have children who have a life here. The entire family needs to be considered here, not just one person who now wants to move.

And being willing to move the entire family overseas is very different to being willing to go and live in the pockets of your in laws.

Exactly. I have said to DH that if I could, I'd move to London in a heartbeat - but I wouldn't really, for the reasons I state above. It's not just me and him to consider now, we have a family.

You can’t leave your older children.

Oh I think you might be me in the future. Been in his country for ten years and it's not my home and never will be.

Would you be saying that if the OP was a woman expected to leave her older three children behind when she's been used to having 50:50 care of them? Most people would be absolutely horrified that a man would dare to ask her such a thing and even more horrified if she agreed to do it.

Never mind be saying to a mother in this situation 'you can't have it all your own way, you need to what your husband wants.'

I mean, we have other stuff going on too but it really sucks when I come back from visiting “home” with DC who are crying because they don’t want to leave (I know they love it but ultimately want to come home) and I come back to a house that was never a forever home, it a town I don’t like that’s miles away from family because family isn’t that important to him. It is to me. And my children. As each year passes my tolerance lessens and there are fewer reasons not to make the move 🤷🏻‍♀️ He’d be devastated, but I’ve done 10 years of putting myself bottom of the pile (only to be told he doesn’t feel part of the family and he loves me but he’s not in love with me 🙄 WHOLE pile of other stuff!!).

This is one of 'those' threads, isn't it? The responses would be completely different if the OP were a woman.

They wouldn't be that different. Those of us who live away from our hometown having moved for a partner and would like to live there will always be able to empathise with the other party in these scenarios.

I love DH and his family. I love living here. I love our life. But I miss my roots and my family. Particularly my extended family who are getting older and can't visit as easily. So we only see if they are available when we go to see my parents.

There are a number of logistical reasons we can't move there yet. Potentially ever, depending on a lot of factors. I accepted that when I moved but it doesn't stop the longing. And DH knew I would always have an itch to go back and that periodically I'd want to discuss it. And that if he was never likely to be open to the move I wouldn't have come here in the first place.

The responses would still be "you should have discussed this before you moved" and "she/he moved for you, you should at least discuss this with her/him".

One party cannot unilaterally decide where the family unit lives. If there's opposing opinions on the matter, they should be discussed and a decision reached together.

But honestly what would a reasonable be compromise be? It seems it is pretty binary - live in his home town or hers. a compromise for the OP is moving. There is no other solution.

What it really comes down to is the quality of the relationship - is the relationship and the support available worth sucking up living somewhere you don't want to live?

As someone said above, if your partner is helpful, loving and supportive and his family are involved but not intrusive, the impetus to move is likely to be much less.

I suspect arguments like this indicate the relationship is on the rocks.

Personally I believe that in a relationship you shouldn't require what you aren't prepared to give yourself

@BabyOrca I do agree with the sentiment, his wife is asking him to move away from his DC.

Even when his older DC turns 18 - i think this is still a big ask. I definitely depended on and lived with my DPs in my late teens and early 20s

Can’t see how that applies in this situation- are they both supposed to move every few years for the next 40 when one of them gets home sick?

In some ways I disagree.

I am Australian and live in the UK. When I met DH we both were living and working in A.N Other European country. His parents became frail and I left my job when he did and moved to the Uk with him, so he could be with them.

That was 20 years ago. I have sacrificed a very great deal for DH. I see my family rarely and now they are old and very infirm I have to make alot of effort to go to Australia, negotiate time off work and to pay a whole load of money in order to spend time with them and help them sort out medical care, finances and to just be there. It takes a toll to live somewhere you would not otherwise choose to be, and the OPO's wife has already done that for 9 years.

The OP has said he is not averse to a big move abroad. But won't consider a much smaller move that will make his wife happy. So up to now it's all been about his wants. What about what she needs? I think he should consider it properly and honestly.

When I moved to the UK DH said that the time I pushed the 'we are going to Oz button' he would not argue. That was 20 years ago. I have not pushed that button yet, but we all know it's coming. The fact he is on my side makes a difference to me. It does not sound like the OP is really truly on his wife's side.

YABU - circumstances can change, parents can get older and start needing support. It doesn't matter what anyone said or decided years ago. It doesn't matter that you've talked in a general way about moving to vague other countries.

Why are you doing 50-50 with your older children? To save on child support?
How much work does the 50-50 arrangement create for your wife? Be honest and realistic here.
How long has she been a stepmum to them?

She moved north, she was a stepmum to your children and mother to the children you share, presumably without family or friends nearby to support her.

You need to acknowledge that she has taken on a lot for you. I don't see that in your OP at all. All I see is a very cut and dried 'she made her bed' approach. Fold your arms, shake your head, fill your boots. It's going to cost you your marriage.

It's not every few years, is it? He's had a decade

Agree with @HappySheldon

The comment that the OP doesn't like his MIL and is basically happy to move anywhere else except where the wife can find support or can give meaningful support to her parents bespeaks a basic disregard for the wife and lack of understanding that compromise works both ways.

What’s her timeline for moving if your DC is still 14. Will you both get employment in WC, can you afford to move.

DH always wanted to move back to his home city. I actually never wanted to live in a big city (or the country), however his career isn’t easily transferable there so it never happened. He still goes on about the ‘quality of life’ DD would have, but she wouldn’t. He’s trying to compare being a teenage boy in the 80s with total freedom, to an autistic girl now who isn’t independent yet.
hes also the kind of person who would be happy spending all weekend visiting aunties and sitting about chatting, whilst DC were bored out of their minds (and me).

Nothing stopping an 18 year old or 20, 25, or even 30 year old also moving with them. At that point they're adults, they can decide if they want to live independently or live with dad in place A or mum in place B.

If they're away for uni they get two places to visit for holidays. Two different options for work if they wanted to work elsewhere.

If dad moved to Bristol (for example) there's some excellent educational and work opportunities in that region.

There's conversations to be had around these things. What's best for the whole family. What variables are there? What would be a hard no for everyone? What's a must?

In no marriage does one of you get to dictate where you live forever and expect that to just be the end of it if the other disagrees. It has to be a joint decision if you want the marriage to survive.

So in 10 years they should move back ?

But he's fine doing this on a much bigger sale by going to Australia it seems, just not to go to her home place.

It's not about husband vs wife though, is it It's about fairness in a relationship.

OP cannot expect the relationship to last long term if his wife is the only one making sacrifices long term.

Anyway, he stated that they have been discussing moving abroad - how the feck is that not leaving the older three kids?!!

If that's what's best for everyone and what they want, why not? Or somewhere else. Or they might find everyone is happy in ten years in the WC.

It isn't unfeasible to live in different places at different times to meet the needs of the family.

But it won’t be best for everyone- I am 100% sure once they move, she isn’t moving back and all the commentators here will be saying ‘of course you shouldn’t move’ as you are near your parents and they are getting older and the WC is so nice and pretty and charming and up north is all smelly

uprooting your entire life to move to a another area is a massive upheaval and certainly not something people often do as they get older.