Said no to moving to wife's hometown - wife not happy

[20thCenturyBoy]

I live in a northern city with my wife, our 2 kids, and my older 3 kids 50% of the time. I was born & raised here. Family live here. My wife moved up from London to be with me 9 years ago. Her family live in the west country.

I like living in my home city but accept that my wife made the move up north because I couldn't make the move to London. The youngest of my elder kids is 14 so technically he might be away to Uni in 4 years time.

We've spoken about moving away for a bit to places like Australia or America as her profession would enable this. More recently she has raised the potential of moving back to her hometown in the west country to be closer to her family. Whilst it's a lovely west country market town I absolutely do not want to live in a rural market town. In any country. I like living in cities. Not interested in living in the countryside at all. I have always been open about this.

My clear stance on this has really upset my wife. She has said since she moved to my hometown I should do the same for her. I did point out that it was her choice to move north. But this obviously didn't help. Another minor factor is that my MIL is not someone I want in my life on a weekly basis.

My honesty about not wanting to move to her hometown has created an undercurrent of resentment from her. I can sense it almost every day. She seems to be positioning this as a deal breaker and now she questioning whether we have a future together in the LT!

Am I being completely unreasonable? Any advice appreciated.

You're right it is a massive upheaval. One I've done. And one I will do again, as will DH when it's right for us to go to my home town. And if we then had to come back to his home town, we would.

You don't know all of anyone else's circumstances so you can't be 100% sure of anything they may or may not decide it what's not going to be best for their family.

Only they can decide that and they have to actually talk about all the options to do that.

And people do it when they're older all the time. Hence all the people retiring to the coast.

The other thing to consider is what if they move to the wife's Hometown and find she's not happy there. I think a lot of us get really fixated on a place where we have happy memories and it can be a bit of a fantasy that wouldn't translate to reality. It's worth trying to explore what she hopes to gain from this potential move.

I think you should go along with everything your wife wants. It’s the duty of a good husband.

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos I was making the point that just because they turn 18, they don't suddenly become self sufficient. I was staying with my parents to until I was around 24. I would have found it incredibly disruptive had they decided to move just because I went to uni for 20 weeks of the year.

I do agree they need to talk this through. Not sure how someone who has always said they don't want to live in the countryside / market town is suddenly going to love it. They do need to listen to each other and empathise, even if they don't agree

At that point they're adults, they can decide if they want to live independently or live with dad in place A or mum in place B

HIS children are at Uni, their children are more primary age!

Im sure HIS children can visit their step mom, or they can stay with dad, or their own mother.

I think you need to do some research and be a bit fairer - even half way would be a good compromise.

i read the youngest child of his eldest 3 children is aged 14, not at university.

OP's children aren't all university age this was in the OP

The youngest of my elder kids is 14

There is at least 4 years before all are of an age to leave, if they do leave at 18.

ETA My apologies for the cross post

I moved to be with my DH. We always had a plan to move back to my home country (which he also loves). We were meant to move before DC started primary school. They’re about to go into YR6. I absolutely resent my DH for me still living somewhere I don’t want with no possibility of moving without breaking up my family and putting my DC through a divorce. It’s wonderful. Really helps with those strong, loving bonds needed in lasting relationships.

My sympathies @Lolapusht , I’m in a similar position in that I’m living somewhere I did not want to stay and my ‘d’h reneged on agreements to live elsewhere. The added bonus is that it has destroyed my work life too.

The last being the case, I can’t easily move alone, and I also wasn’t keen on losing my kids with divorce : as I possibly would have since he is now the higher earner with the cushy work-from-home job. I resent him enormously, resent seeing his face sometimes, and I’ve made it clear that in my eyes our relationship is one of economics / parenting only. Hopefully I’ll divorce if they ever move out.

If that’s what you want in your family op then carry on being self-centred and sexist, expecting women to trail around after you.

HIS children aren't at uni, he specifically says HIS youngest is 14.

I was saying that when they're adults, if OP and his wife decided to move, HIS kids might decide to go with dad, or to stay with mum, IF they weren't living independently.

It was just a point that him having children doesn't keep him "stuck" in one place when they're adults. Even if they still need some support, that can be given from anywhere. They may even find better opportunities if they move with dad and stepmum to somewhere such as Bristol, than staying in the North.

Speaking as someone from the North who moved for DH and we decided on where we lived based on where we'd have the best chance at building a decent life.

I'm aware of that. Which is why I said if OP did decide to move his kids might:

A) decide to go live independently
B) decide to live with their mum
C) decide to move with their dad

Having children who are adults/almost adults who might need to live with you isn't a reason to be stuck somewhere.

I am from the North. I don't live there because DH is not from the North and when we were deciding where to live we went with where had the best opportunities work wise. So by moving and giving his kids a base elsewhere might actually be a good thing for them.

There might be a compromise such as living in Exeter or Bristol which brings them closer to his wife's home but keeps him in a city, which actually enhances his kids lives. If he was willing to think about it as a big picture and not just say "no, I don't want to live in the country near my MIL so you can suck it up".

Because he brings up his older children and how the youngest will be off in 4 years.

If that wasn’t a factor, why bring it up?

Why is overseas ok, but not the same country?

There are also several cities in West Country that could be an option.

@WaryCrow ‘If that’s what you want in your family op then carry on being self-centred and sexist, expecting women to trail around after you.’

if she makes him move, how is she not self-centered and sexist, expecting him to trail around after her?

Because she already followed him. Is she not allowed to want to live near her family having spent a decade near his without being called selfish?

^this. In my case, (which isn’t the same) we had agreements.

Am I the only one curious on how old his kids are with his wife?

He barely mentions them or how a move would possibly effect them so I’m guessing they’re quite young if they’ve considered a move overseas.

No she didn’t. He had a life with his existing children up north. It was clearly a very established life. He made it clear his priority was being there with his family and friends. He gave her a choice to move to him and merge with his life and get married and have more children or not. There was never any chance he was going to move to her area. The choice was hers and hers alone to make.

Actually we don't know that. He's said he's made his stance clear, but that's now she's brought it up.

We don't know whether at the time she said she'd come but at some point she might want to go back to her home town and he's just brushed it off with a "yeah maybe". Or whether there was never actually a conversation about it and she moved thinking that as she'd moved for him he would be open to it for her.

He's talking about a move to Australia. Where are his elder kids in that decision? They're either coming too or he's leaving them with mum. It would be much easier to still see them being 300 miles away than 9,500. So why can't they come to the WC too or stay with mum? There's a lot more to it than "his life is in the North" or else he wouldn't even be thinking of emigration.

This.

In a marriage aren't you supposed to want your spouse to be happy. Isn't that fundamental?

OP, the only thing you seem to care about is what you want, be that your northern city or Adelaide or Sydney, but not Bristol. In fact anywhere except where your poor wife wants.

It's difficult because you have been open from the start BUT people change/change their minds, which has obviously happened to her. I think you should consider a compromise. There are cities in the west country. Maybe compromise on moving when your youngest goes to uni?

I think it depends on what was discussed pre-marriage.

My DH is from the north, I’m from the south. I was always clear from the outset that I could never leave my mum and move up north, which DH said he was fine with. Then a few years later DH said he wanted to move up north, and again, I had to say I can’t, at least not whilst mum is with us. It caused a lot of arguments but he has always known my position on this being a deal breaker for me.

Are his parents still alive?

I think that is a big factor that changes people's feelings when they've moved away. I know I certainly think about things like what happens if they get ill, or unable to cope and I'm 200 miles away?

DHs parents are older than mine, and we currently live close to them. But there is going to come a point where living further away from mine is going to be very hard for me because they will need me and I will want to be near them. We talk about it a lot.

Yes, his parents are alive. He has a few siblings within <5 miles of his parents, as do I.

My Dp refused to move back to my hometown- his reasoning is that I moved here so it was my choice and he shouldn’t have to move. I hated where we lived for ages and his family were fucking useless in terms of support networks. My dp argument was that my family aren’t that great, but for me being in a familiar place with my childhood friends and sibling was really important as a new (and young) Mum.
Anyway, we ended up staying here and I ended up making the best of it. Our relationship survived and in some respects I can see that getting out of my home town was of benefit. I do feel sad for young me though and at times, resentful that my dp changed my early experience of motherhood for the worse. I resent his shit family too, knowing that I was alone with a baby all day and not offering any support or connection.
I would personally really weigh this up carefully and compromise otherwise your marriage may not survive. I feel for your wife tbh

This is a strange post as it could be flipped the other way round as well. It may be that they can't both be happy, and I think when it comes to location they have a duty towards themselves more than their spouse.

Exactly. I know a lot of couples where one half has "followed" the other and they've all got rough agreements about where they'll end up. These aren't set in stone, it doesn't need to be that rigid, but everyone knows what's on the table and what isn't.

Friend has followed his partner to Australia where her family is - they're there for the duration of their kids' school years and then will take stock, but it's likely they'll stay.

Another friend went to Australia for work and her partner followed her - it's ended up more long-term than they intended but eventually their plan is to come back to Europe (not necessarily the UK).

It's a basic conversation to have before you commit to someone, just like whether/how many kids to have. It sounds like OP's wife did not tell him, on moving up north, that she'd eventually want to move to the West Country - whereas he did tell her what he was and wasn't open to.