Said no to moving to wife's hometown - wife not happy

[20thCenturyBoy]

I live in a northern city with my wife, our 2 kids, and my older 3 kids 50% of the time. I was born & raised here. Family live here. My wife moved up from London to be with me 9 years ago. Her family live in the west country.

I like living in my home city but accept that my wife made the move up north because I couldn't make the move to London. The youngest of my elder kids is 14 so technically he might be away to Uni in 4 years time.

We've spoken about moving away for a bit to places like Australia or America as her profession would enable this. More recently she has raised the potential of moving back to her hometown in the west country to be closer to her family. Whilst it's a lovely west country market town I absolutely do not want to live in a rural market town. In any country. I like living in cities. Not interested in living in the countryside at all. I have always been open about this.

My clear stance on this has really upset my wife. She has said since she moved to my hometown I should do the same for her. I did point out that it was her choice to move north. But this obviously didn't help. Another minor factor is that my MIL is not someone I want in my life on a weekly basis.

My honesty about not wanting to move to her hometown has created an undercurrent of resentment from her. I can sense it almost every day. She seems to be positioning this as a deal breaker and now she questioning whether we have a future together in the LT!

Am I being completely unreasonable? Any advice appreciated.

your situation is different. You discussed a plan and your partner has renaged on it.

In the OP’s case his wife knew the situation with the elder children before she moved. She knew his exceedingly strong ties to the area. She knew he was unlikely to want to ever move. She still chose to move to be with him when really she should have thought it through and decided before she got married and had kids if she could stay there forever.

she’s now asking for him to give her potentially 40 years in a place he doesn’t want to be in exchange for the 9 years she has given him in his home town.

I think it would be unreasonable to say you wouldn't consider a move anywhere at the point at which your elder kids are all out of the home permanently. But I don't think its unreasonable to not want to move to one particular location if it doesn't appeal to you. She had the same choice to make years ago but not with the caveat that you must follow suit in x years time.

If OP's wife had made it clear she was only moving north temporarily, or that she wanted to end up in the west country down the line, I'd be fully on her side - as I am on yours. You made a plan with your husband and he should stick to it.

OP's wife didn't make any such plan, but she did know that he only wanted to live in cities - that's what she signed up to.

I think in general you can't just make a sacrifice for someone and take for granted that they will reciprocate it in the way you want. You have to use your words, say something like I'm happy to to to x for now but in the long run I'd like to return to live in y.

Thats not how repationships work.

Your wife made a rash decision and will have to pay for it until your children are 16, because she can't move very far away from wherever you are. You've got her over a barrel, you know it and clearly it suits you to have it that way.

What she can do is divorce you and you can continue to have your children 50% of the time. It will cost her dearly, financially, but best to do it now and limit the damage to her future pension. I hope her story will serve as a warning to all other women who decide to move hundreds of miles to be with a man who has children. Don't do it, and if you do, don't have children of your own unless you're prepared to be trapped a long way from your family, friends and what you know for 16 years.

I don't think you should move there if you don't want to. I presume the younger children have a life in your current city and may well hate the idea of moving to a market town (my children would have absolutely hated this). I wouldn't want to live in a market town either. I also think moving a long way from your older children shouldn't be expected of you. Perhaps there is a compromise.

It kind of is when you’ve chosen to have children together.

A move to the west country, if OP agreed, would mean taking the children away from the schools and friends they know, extended family and half siblings. Most reasonable grown ups don’t move their children like this unless there is a really compelling reason (usually job related), and even then it’s not done at the expense of the other party.

I’ve lost count of the number of threads advising women NOT to support overseas moves for their husbands careers for reasons of isolating them from the family and existing support networks or, simply, because the wife doesn’t fancy the US/Dubai/wherever. Why should OP be held to a different standard simply because he is male? Why should he have to potentially leave his older children behind (not all kids go to uni, some leave school and get apprenticeships and other jobs in the town they’ve lived all their lives, by the way).

Well she could move back home, leave the kids with OP full time and be a Disney Mum, so I wouldn't gloat so hard about 'having her over a barrel'. Is that how you see relationships?

I'm not referring to if they should move or not, I'm saying there is no legal agreement in place, she doesnt HAVE to stay, and to be so dismissive of her wants and desires is not how you create a happy relationship.

Agree that you need to look into cities near her hometown.

You can't have everything your way.

Most healthy relationships work on the basis that you agree on a shared vision of life together, and you work out what that is before committing to each other.

Of course people change their minds about things as they get older, but the one changing their mind is the one moving the goalposts, and they can't expect their partner to be amenable to it. The OP's wife doesn't get to throw the hissy fit here, because she's the one who's no longer signed up to the shared vision.

Is there a city you would consider moving to near her home town? So closer to her family but not right on top of eachother and you get city life too?

You framed it badly.

Did you say, as you have in your OP: No way would I live in the countryside. I only do cities. Oh, and I don't like your mum.

OR did you say, (as posters are giving you the benefit of the doubt for): I really understand that you would like to be closer to your family and I'm so appreciative that you moved for me, but I currently can't be so far away from my kids. Can we revisit this idea in a few years, when 14 yr old is at uni?

One of those reponses is considerate and sounds like you have her back. One of them isn't. Which one is she hearing?

You need to talk about this just to know where each other are coming from.

Sounds like you have always been clear that you don't want to live away from your older DC and that you don't want to live in a market town / countryside - both of these are very understandable stances.

Some people saying - how about Bristol / Exeter? - depending on where your DW's family live (another 2 hour's drive away?), that could be a lose / lose for both of you.

Ultimately, this could be a deal breaker for either of you. TBH, I am trying to look for a compromise but not sure there is one if you are both entrenched in where you want to live - it's a big deal for both of you. You need to talk about this and see if there is a work around.

How old are your younger DC? Is your wife wanting to give her childhood to her DC? Does she believe her childhood was better than yours?

Could you go to the WC for 4 weeks in the summer?

And so that means you don't even have to listen and try to compromise with your partner on something that means a lot to them?!

It depends how much the opposite means to you. Living in a city means a lot to me, as it seems like it does for the OP. I'm with DP on the understanding that he wants the same - as it seems the OP was with his wife. If he suddenly revealed that it meant a lot to him to be in the arse end of the countryside near his toxic parents - no, I wouldn't consider that for a second!

I have already said that the OP should talk, dig into why his wife's unhappy and see if there's a compromise to be had. That doesn't mean he should give in and do something that would make himself miserable. And it sounds like she's not exactly approaching it in the spirit of compromise either.

Where does it say that this was a shared vision?

There’s a lot of assumptions based on OP’s one singular comment.

He has also conveniently left out the ages of his children with his wife and what the arrangement is with his older children which are also important.

I also think it is a bit odd that several posters ignore him happy to move to two foreign countries thousands of miles away but the wife is being ridiculous for wanting to move within the UK.

On the basis that when you tell your partner where you will and won't live in the future - in the OP's case, in a city and not the countryside - and they marry you without saying they want something different, it's fair to assume they've signed up to your red lines as well.

I have told DP much the same things and I assume he's on board as he hasn't stated otherwise.

I don't see why his openness to emigrating is relevant. I would be open to moving to Berlin or Lisbon or Toronto. I would not be open to moving to Somerset. Not sure why one contradicts the other.

Yes, YABU. Your wife is desparate to move. If you refuse and insist on staying put, it will be the end of the marriage. Maybe not immediately, but eventually. It's incredibly selfish of you.

Saying it was your wife's choice to move north was dismissive and really, a man who's been married for 9 years should have known that sort of comment was never going to be received well. She moved because she was in love with you and presumably you fed her a story she felt sorry for about why it was impossible for you to move to London.

Which is not to say you have to move to your wife's home town. You say you've discussed other options in the past, and they are realistic due to her career. Why not consider that, whilst market towns are out, moving isn't. It might not just be that you've flat out refused to move to your wife's home town that is causing resentment. It might be the rejection of her family, while she puts up with yours; and/or the fact that she is trapped in your home town with no escape.

Why not have a conversation about what to do when your oldest is 18. Could you move to London? Somewhere in the States or Australia? It will probably take a while to find a job and sort out visas etc, so taking a while to seriously discuss and consider options, find a job etc will probably take a couple of years. That's not too long to wait.

Refusing to listen and be understanding, as well as not showing any appreciation for a sacrifice they made for your relationship, builds resentment and that can lead to the end. That's all I'm saying, not that they have to move, so it would seem we agree.

Speaking as a soon to be ex wife who wanted to go home…listen to your wife, listen, explore more, listen more. Don’t fight, don’t “But”, just listen until you understand exactly where she is coming from, and until she agrees that you do understand, and you actually feel sad and upset for her when you think about the situation. That’s empathy. Everything PPs have said about the resentment killing the marriage, and about the way you respond to her unhappiness being so important, is true. If you then both make a list of what makes you happy/sad now and what you think would change that and discuss more, and more, and more, still focusing on listening and understanding, maybe you will get somewhere. If she is unhappy and you won’t move, you have to find another way to try and make her happy or your relationship is over and your children will suffer the most. You cannot expect a self respecting woman to stay in a relationship where she feels her wishes and feelings are not heard or considered. Don’t underestimate the impact of how you treat her day to day as well. Being somewhere you hate with a wonderful partner who brings you joy daily is different to living somewhere you hate with someone who doesn’t seem to like you, treats you like a skivy, dominates all decisions, etc etc. You may have the upper hand legally in court with 50/50 en vogue, but really there are no winners if it ends up in court, everyone loses, especially the kids. Don’t let yourself get into an adrenaline fuelled battle, you have the best chance of solving it if you both get your stress levels down first- walks, yoga, meditation, holiday, book a cleaner, whatever gets you both feeling peaceful enough to listen, accept what you hear, and cooperate to improve things however you can. Good luck.

Well that's all very well except she's essentially demanding that he moves away from three of his children, one of whom is only 14 and he has them 50% of the time, which will be able to continue at such a long distance.

This is all about how he needs to listen to her needs, but she's the one who knew the score before she chose to marry and have children with him, now she wants to move the goal posts. If a woman had 50:50 care of her eldest three children would it be perfectly considered perfectly reasonable for her second husband to demand that she moves to the opposite end of the country while her older children are still at minors? I highly doubt it.

Sorry, ran out of time to edit, but obviously I should have typed that 50:50 care would NOT be able to continue if he moves so far away.

Did your partner move to London to be with you though?