Said no to moving to wife's hometown - wife not happy

[20thCenturyBoy]

I live in a northern city with my wife, our 2 kids, and my older 3 kids 50% of the time. I was born & raised here. Family live here. My wife moved up from London to be with me 9 years ago. Her family live in the west country.

I like living in my home city but accept that my wife made the move up north because I couldn't make the move to London. The youngest of my elder kids is 14 so technically he might be away to Uni in 4 years time.

We've spoken about moving away for a bit to places like Australia or America as her profession would enable this. More recently she has raised the potential of moving back to her hometown in the west country to be closer to her family. Whilst it's a lovely west country market town I absolutely do not want to live in a rural market town. In any country. I like living in cities. Not interested in living in the countryside at all. I have always been open about this.

My clear stance on this has really upset my wife. She has said since she moved to my hometown I should do the same for her. I did point out that it was her choice to move north. But this obviously didn't help. Another minor factor is that my MIL is not someone I want in my life on a weekly basis.

My honesty about not wanting to move to her hometown has created an undercurrent of resentment from her. I can sense it almost every day. She seems to be positioning this as a deal breaker and now she questioning whether we have a future together in the LT!

Am I being completely unreasonable? Any advice appreciated.

There are children involved it isn't right to uproot their schooling for a few years and it's not possible to take them out of school for two months at a time. What about work?
Visiting more frequently is a good option though

In that case the OP is being selfish too in considering a move to a totally different country.

YANBU your DW chose to move, you say you've been open about not wanting to move outside a city.

Bristol has a different feeling to other cities and Bath and Wells are nothing like cities. I've lived in the area for while some time ago, I doubt they are all screaming metropolises now. You don't like your MIL all that much, you don't like the idea of living on a market town. So why make your life miserable?

You may have to accept you DW will move without you and a divorce is on the cards. You may have to compromise if you can't stand the thought of losing your wife.

You could try living there for a trial period. If you own a house where you live now, don't sell up to move without having tried living there first.

I don’t understand the narrative that ‘because she sacrificed’ you should do so. As I understand what you have said she chose to build a relationship and have 2 children with you on the basis of moving to your town 9 years ago (I am assuming you married and had you two joint children in the intervening 9 years based upon this decision). Had she said, I’ll move up for a bit but want to be open to moving abroad or relocating to the west country as part of this discussion, I am assuming you would likely have said no and walked away, as you had already had young children from a previous marriage/relationship?

So, wife is moving the goal posts? I really don’t think this is a tit for tat situation where you are required to make a counter-balancing ‘sacrifice’. She has changed her mind and wants to renegotiate the premise upon which you both started a life together. I actually think that is unfair. It’s like marrying a soldier and then demanding they leave the army because you don’t like the lifestyle/the fact they are away all the time.

I think perhaps you should have some marriage counselling to explore what underlies her desire to move ‘home’. Ie is she actually unhappy, does she feel unsupported in raising the children by your family, does she feel her life plays second fiddle to your older children? There could be a host of niggling resentments that she isn’t quite aware of that talking therapy might bring out. Thing is, if she chose to divorce you (extreme scenario), she still wouldn’t be able to go and live in the West country with your kids either as you would likely have 50/50 shared care and the family court wouldn’t allow her to take them. She can only get this move if you are willing to make it. Counselling may get to the bottom of what is underpinning her unhappiness and open routes to finding a compromise that meets her needs (eg, more regular visits to her family, investing in a holiday home/flat that she could use with your 2 children in the holidays etc).

I agree, looking at the reasons behind her wanting to move is going to be more useful than a tit for tat approach.

Ultimately if you can't find a compromise together that you can both live with, your relationship is doomed. "Put up and shut up" or "talk to the hand" aren't good ways to resolve relationship conflict.. So you can say "you'll have to lump it" to her if you like, but don't be surprised if your marriage dies pretty quickly after that.

And realistically you can't stop her going with the kids unless you're willing to parent them full-time. The court can't stop her going so, unless you're prepared to be primary parent, ultimately she can just put two fingers up and go herself.

Ask her to wait until your youngest is 18 then agree a compromise that you'll move to the west country so long as it's not anywhere too rural and not too close to her parents. Close enough that she can drive to her mum's weekly if she likes but not so close that your MIL is going to be popping in every three days.

She married you knowing you had three children, you have them 50% of the time and it's unfair of her to expect you to change that for her right now. Ask her how she'd feel if you broke up and moved to the opposite end of the country, away from your children with her, just because a new woman asked you to and sulked until you agreed.

Completely disagree. We all have the right to say a hard no to our red lines. It would be a hard no from me to living rurally.

Obviously it shouldn't be the default approach in a relationship, and even in this situation the OP and his wife should be talking and trying to find a compromise, but a hard no to living in a market town is perfectly reasonable. No one should be expected to make a huge life decision that they know will make them miserable on someone else's behalf.

You would divorce because your husband told you no he doesn't want to do something? Do you have a problem with being direct or something?

Said No indeed! Who do you think you are?

Well personally I think I'm in a grown up relationship where I can say no, I don't want to do something and so can my husband? Sure we would probably work together to come to some sort of compromise - but it would seem like the wife has the exact same all or nothing perspective. Why is her "yes" ok but her his "no" is not?

And like @gannett it would also be a hard No from me on living rurally. I think more women should deal in absolutes instead of pussy-footing around what they do and don't want.

I think YABU once your older DC are adults, before then it's a bit more complex.

For the next 4 years could you at least facilitate lots of visits to south west? How often do you visit now?

How old are younger DC?

How involved and helpful are your extended family?

I agree with this. Moving to her hometown was never part of the deal. She’s moved the goalposts. Not fair on your kids to uproot them now.

I did point out that it was her choice to move north.

@20thCenturyBoy does this mean that because she made that one move, she’s destined to spend the rest of her days in the same town? Forever?

Oops hadn’t read the part about 50:50 of your older kids. It’s an absolute hard no and YANBU from me. She wants to move you away from your kids? Completely unreasonable.

Would you consider moving to Plymouth, Exeter or Bristol- which ever is the nearest big city. Westcountry is a big area. As a compromise

I don't know if I'm missing something but a lot are saying she's unreasonable to expect you to leave your hometown even after your kids are off to uni as that's where their base is, but OP seems open to move to Australia though so is clearly not against leaving his adult kids.

You are a dad, don't even think about moving yourself away from your eldest children, you mention your son, who is 14. You can't dump him the second time - you have already abandoned him to be with your new wife. The wife clearly wanted you enough to move from London for you. That is what usually happens - spouses, both male and female think along the lines - I shall get her/him, and then bring her/him to MY way of thinking about moving, more children, etc. Saw it so many times. Stay until your 14.y.o. goes to uni, as you said.

The point here is that made a sacrifice for you and your relationship- she put you and the love you have for one another above where you both live.

You are not doing the same. Given the chance, you are telling her that where you live is more important to you than her and your relationship.

No wonder it's a deal-breaker.

I would never advise moving away from a child for whom you have joint custody, but I would suggest that you move when he leaves for uni.

OP you don't say how old the children are that you share with your wife. If they are already in education perhaps they wont want to move? Do they get a say?
I think it sounds like you've been open with your wife.
Can your wife not visit more - on her own, with the children, and as a whole family?
What would be the difference in standard of living if you move? Better or Worse? You don't indicate which Northern City you live - Manchester? Leeds? Sheffield?
If you'll never ever leave your hometown perhaps it is a deal breaker.
Sit down as a whole family and talk through possibilities...

Your not being unreasonable at all given you need to factor in other children with 50/50 access.
I would also say the West Country although beautiful house prices can be high and job opportunities low especially in regard to the types of work available, it'd also an area of the country where average salary is below the national level.

However in saying this she clearly has a strong pull probably as her family are getting older. It might be worth setting up some couples counselling to nip the potential for resentment etc in the bud but also work through it in a constructive manner so you both can see each others point of view.

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It might be a dealbreaker for the relationship but if she wants to move the kids all that way without the OPs permission, a court will more than likely block that, especially as a move will separate the groups of siblings.

A friend of mine wanted to move 40 miles away with her kids. Dad took it to court for a prohibited steps order against the move and and child arrangement order for primary custody. The court ruled that she could move if she wanted but custody would be given to their dad, and that’s exactly what happened.

She must have known you could never leave??????

Why never? Many parents move to a different location to their adult children. Many retire to the coast. Many have kids who move for uni and never come back, do they have to stay exactly where they are in case their kids want to come "home"?

I'd go visit my parents wherever they live. I would be happy for them to have their own lives that they enjoy.

So your option is to compromise or split up.

She moved for you, her feelings have now changed (after a significant amount of time) and instead of considering the implications and possible solutions you are saying there is no way you are going to move nor even consider the possibility. Nice.

Of course she’s going to resent your position and unless you budge on it it’s going to break your relationship. That’s where you are.

I moved to be with my DH. We always had a plan to move back to my home country (which he also loves). We were meant to move before DC started primary school. They’re about to go into YR6. I absolutely resent my DH for me still living somewhere I don’t want with no possibility of moving without breaking up my family and putting my DC through a divorce. It’s wonderful. Really helps with those strong, loving bonds needed in lasting relationships.

Compromise, split up or start communicating to find out why her feelings have changed (does she like her job, what is your day to day life like, is she stuck in the same drudgery?).