Dating an older man I just don’t understand him?

[Backtoworktmrw]

I’m 30 dating someone 55 I have known him for a good 3 years and dated on and off. We are trying to make a proper go of it this time. He has begged and pleaded for me to be with him and give him a chance. He’s took me away on weekends away and really made me fall for him. I should probably say he has just been diagnosed with high blood pressure so may be I am expecting too much. I just spent the weekend with him he slept most of the weekend he wasn’t well. Now he has just gone cold with me barely texting or calling. I feel like I’m chasing after him!

AIBU? Do I just accept he isn’t well? I almost feel like he’s finally with me and now lost interest.

You’re considering having a child with a much older man who already has health issues?? You’ll end up as a nurse and it wouldn’t be fair on the child. Stay away from him.

Maybe I’ve got this wrong but it sounds like he alternates between love-bombing you and ignoring you. If that’s the case, that’s classic controlling behaviour. Even if it’s not that, it doesn’t seem like you’re getting much out of this relationship. Is he really worth it?

I guess that this will happen for the rest of your life if you stick with him. It's not going to get better for sure.

Totally agree. Honestly OP stick with someone nearer your own age.

I've had a relationship with someone 16 years older which was very successful as we had the same interests etc and he was fit for his age, however he became ill and died before I was able to retire with him.

You can do way better than this. He's far too old for you.
I'm 48 and full of life and doing lots of exciting things. If I was with him, 25 years older than me, he'd be 73. There's absolutely no way I want to be spending the next 10 years with someone like that. Our energy levels just wouldn't match.
You need to think of it like that. What do you think you will be like when you are late 40s and what will he be like in his mid 70s?

Then there's this
He has begged and pleaded for me to be with him and give him a chance.
From someone who is a lot older than you and has a lot more experience, never ever be with anyone who behaves like this. It's just a pity party. It's not flattering. It's starting off the relationship on a very bad, wobbly footing.
He begs and pleads? Nope, don't start anything with him.

He is playing games with you and for that reason you should end it.

I haven’t texted him back since I wrote this post last night. He hasn’t bothered chasing me up! So that’s all I needed to know 😊

You have one child you don’t NEED another. Is it fair to bring a child into world who won’t have a parent around as they transition into adulthood?

Older parents/genes more risk of disability.

As your child/children transition to adult hood you will become a carer to him.

Gave fun if you want to but this isn’t a keeper.

I say this as someone who didn’t have a child till 40, who is autistic and I worry how they will cope without either of us around.

I am also 58, and want to sleep. All the time.

Some people on this thread seem to think everyone ends up needing a carer when they're old (and by old I don't mean 56. 🙄) They don't, just for the record. Just like not everyone gets dementia or arthritis when they're old.

Fella here..

I'd run a mile. I know how men think. This 55yo geezer probably feels very lucky at this one in a million chance to bag a "younger bird". He'll say anything to lock you in, including having a kid.

No doubt he'll probably go through with it given half a chance.

Blood pressure issues? god sake.. probably smokes/drinks? or both?

Sounds like some of the degenerates i see in my local wetherspoons smoking area.. with a pouch of amberleaf baccy

My husband was 22 yrs my senior and always kept himself very fit. (I was in my mid 30s when we married.)

You need to go into this with your eyes open, OP.

I knew what the risks were of marrying someone significantly older and all the possible things that could go wrong did go wrong - I finished up as my husband's carer and as a youngish widow.

I'll also add that being married to someone significantly older can be financially detrimental - often, the younger spouse finishes up being the breadwinner.

If your SO has 'gone cold', I see no point in pursuing the relationship - as a minimum, you surely want someone who loves you unreservedly and cherishes you?

I miss my husband every day, OP. I know that he loved me. I wouldn't have continued a relationship with someone who had 'gone cold' on me.

That's true. However, there's a greater chance of things going wrong.

My DH was in his 60s when he needed a stent - and it was a miracle cure. Unfortunately, he needed open heart surgery when he was 71 and had his stroke two years later. (Previous generations of the men in his family tended to die in their 60s.)

Some people are much luckier, I know.

This is derailing the thread I know, but do you talk to him about becoming Victor Meldrew? If you do, what is his response? Asking for a friend, obvs.

This (unless something awful has happened to him?)

Just don’t do this. You’re so young with such a life ahead - he has 25 years on you. Don’t waste your time, enjoy your life and enjoy your son. Live it and enjoy it together

My BF is 55, and I am only ten years younger. We do feel the difference at times!

do not have a child with him! Don’t waste anymore time on this. When he is 70, you will be 45! No way….

But people do get old, and as they age they become weaker and slower and more prone to illness and injury.

When this man is 80 OP will only be 55. That is a huge difference in terms of health and lifestyle. And when she is starting to enjoy her early years of retirement if he is still alive he will be pushing 90.

Very few 90 year olds are up for a fly drive holiday in Canada or an Alaskan Cruise or whatever OP would plan for her retirement.

You will become his carer

Run away from this nonsense.

I will never date older again. They’re far whinier and more entitled than younger men.

True, but what is also true unfortunately is that people can be struck down by accidents or life-changing illnesses/injuries at any age. People shouldn't be so sure that they know what will or won't happen in the future.

He's too old.

You'll end up acting as nurse to him when you're still in the prime of your life. In twenty years you'll be 50 and he'll be 75.

Disentangle yourself and find someone else.

I wonder if this is a ‘transactional’ relationship. You don’t have to explain it here but examine perhaps the motives around why you both want to be together. Is he after the chase or a young woman on his arm, are you after a ‘provider’ or seeking security or stability? Sometimes these relationships work well.

However, it doesn’t sound like either of you are genuinely attracted to each other from the little information we have.

Statistics don't lie all the same.

There is a high probability of this man aging normally - but he has already been diagnosed with high blood pressure, so his aging process and declining general health might be more marked than the normal.

Normal aging involves gradual loss of physical abilities, cognitive abilities, libido, eyesight, and sometimes hearing.

That’s too much of an age gap. An old man won’t be able to chase after toddlers, all will be on you. Move on, it might be exciting now, but it won’t last long. Better to stop now and find someone of your own age or older not more than 10 years.

I know what I said. It’s not what you said I said.

The woman may have a terrible personality but the reality is where men, most men value youth massively in women. That’s a fact. All data shows it, dating preferences show it, the experience of older women dating show it, the experience on younger women on OLD and men lying pretending to be younger shows it.

Can you please stop pretending that is not the case?

So a young woman failing to realise that and chasing after a dude her dad’s age is a fool. Unless he’s a billionnaire or something.

He should be thanking his lucky stars and worshipping the ground she walks on because more women in their 30s would react to interest for a man their father’s age with an “eugh, gross!@

Absolutely.
He might be fit and healthy for a long time and it might be the OP who ends up with a debilitating illness.
But on the balance of probability it's more likely that he will become ill and need care first because he is 25 years older than her. He already has high blood pressure at 55 so that's not great.
And as you say there will be the normal process of aging which no one avoids.
If you're the same age you'll go through it together. Even if you're up to 10 years younger you aren't so far apart from each other as far as aging goes.
But 25 years? Nope.

As well as this, one thing that you should consider is how much longer he will be working for and how long he will be in retirement while you have to keep working.
He is likely to work another 10 years. By that time you will be 40. He will be retired. You will have at least another 25 years to work! Imagine working for another 25 years while he gets to enjoy his retirement? He doesn't have to get up and rush to work. He doesn't have the stress of the workload or work annoyances etc. You come home knackered after a day at work and he's looking for company because he's missed contact with you or others during the day. Or he has a really full life where he's out and about all the time, meeting friends, doing hobbies etc.
It would be hard not to let resentment set in. You are working and he gets to do what he wants when he wants.