To think this is cruel on the children?

[Phillipconnarthy]

I know it's not my business, my children etc. But I'm just sharing an opinion.

A friend has two children, a boy aged 5 and a girl aged 9. Every summer, they're shipped off to their grandparents for the majority of the school holidays.
Their grandparents live 300 miles away. Obviously they get updates, facetimes etc. But I think that's pretty cruel, particularly on the 5 year old.

A week or so I could be totally on board with, but nearly 6 weeks? Anyway it's up to them, just wondered what people thought.

Yes same for me!
National express coach on my own from around age 10 (long long ago)
every school holiday I spent with my great aunt, I absolutely loved being in the countryside, we would go on walks, to church, spend time gardening, as a town kid it was a whole new world and I looked forward to it so much.
my great aunt passed 2 weeks ago, I’m currently planning her funeral, I hope that she knew how much her time made my childhood special

Not enough annual leave to cover all school holidays. They aren't gone for all of the summer holidays, I imagine because that is when some of their annual leave is used.

I suppose it depends if the grandparents are fun and loving or cold and failing to meet their needs? Grandparents can be more loving than actual parents.

I think it depends on the kids and the grandparents, but it's a less-than-ideal situation to have to be in.

Posters justifying it by likening it to boarding school are off the mark, I think. For a start, you cannot legally send a 5 year old to boarding school. 7 is the youngest but, even then, most boarding schools don't accept children younger than 11.

This wasn't something I encountered as a child but, save for that I'd probably miss my friends at times, I could quite happily have been shipped off to my paternal grandparents - my relationship with them was better than with my parents. My maternal grandparents were decent folks but we didn't have the same closeness and I'd have hated being shipped off to them for weeks at a time.

All, in-all, I think "cruel" is a bit strong but it could be damaging to the children, particularly the youngest.

I'd love this, it's very Enid Blyton.
My kids summer holidays are mostly us working and getting kids into summer camps or them sitting at home while I work from home. We try and manage a week away of we can, but that's only to fill the time as we'd rather go away other times of the years.
If grandparents are providing a fun filled adventurous summer and they get to bond with them then that is lovely. I'd send mine to grandparents if we had any that would be able to do it.

What issues?

I've always sent my daughter to my parents Germany for the holidays. As a single working mum, I didn't have much choice but also my daughter absolutely loves it in Germany. Now that she's a teen she doesn't have much time in the holidays and obviously doesn't have to go as she doesn't need childcare but she asks to go herself (actually just returned form a week's Easter break with my parents).

I don't see anything wrong with it 🤷‍♀️ It's not like she's in Guantanamo - she's with people who love and spoil her.

Mine loved spending school holidays with his grandparents. He forgot I existed while he was there.

I know annual leave doesn't cover ALL of it, but they surely don't need to send their kids 300 miles away ALL summer....wonder what they do for the other school holidays.

Yeah, I think it’s pretty cruel. A couple of weeks maybe but most of the school holidays?! Absolutely not. That’s such a long time to not see your parents. At least with holiday clubs, you’d have the time they’re not working with them. I also couldn’t bear to not see my kids for that long.

Boarding school is cruel too🤷‍♀️

It isn't all summer. OP says majority, not all.

It is cruel.

Really, do those parents even like their children? Why did they bother having them?

Well if it isn’t ALL summer, then it is a lot of the other holidays that need to be accounted for. It might be easier and more enjoyable for dc to spend 4-6 weeks over the summer than weeks here and there with all of the travel on top.

I adored my grandmother and would have loved to spend the summer with her.

Aren’t US summer camps around six weeks too, so the children won’t see their parents for the entire school holidays? Obviously a middle-class thing but sort of the norm.

Cruel? In most societies parents rely on a network of family and friends to take care of their children. Not just because it is easier on the parent, but also because it is better for the children. Expecting the nuclear family to do it all puts a lot of pressure on parents, and also isn’t great for children.

My dd stayed with grandparents for 5 weeks every summer from 4-12 ish. The alternative was holiday clubs.

She loved it. Beach days, aunties, grandparents. Her aunties friends.
What is lovely is at 14/15 she would still go for a couple of weeks because she wanted to see them all.
She has always text her grandparents regularly even at 13-16. Now as an adult she drives there 4/5 times a year to stay for a weekend or a week.

She looks back at it with fond memories.

Face timed her gran and aunts every evening over lockdown.

We did loads together in term time, I missed her but wanted her to see her relatives and have fun.

I loved staying with my grandparents, I’d chose to stay most weekends, baking, playing, singing etc and I’m glad she got a similar experience. I still miss mine daily.

What about the many posters who've told us how much they loved going to their grandparents for the holidays? Do you think they are lying?

Can't you settle for "it might be cruel for some children if they have evil/infirm grandparents"?

This isn't a new thing. My sister and I spent 6 weeks with our grandparents every summer. We had great fun, trips to the zoo, museums, parks, train rides, boat rides. Nothing cruel about it!

Then you get the super-rich who back in the day would install their children in an entirely different home with servants and told to just get on with it. Winston Churchill was raised like this (and suffered from depression his whole life).

The kids probably love their grandparents and are very close to them especially if this happens every year. They probably get spoiled whilst they are there. Nothing cruel about it at all. Working parents don't get enough leave to change very 13 weeks school holidays.

What's cruel about it? Are they being tortured by their grandparents? My parents have a really close relationship with my daughter and do loads of things with her. She used to go to them for the holidays since she was a toddler and now as teen she still wants to go because she has a good time there.

The decidedly iffy Aunt Fanny and Uncle Quentin then just packed them off with meat paste sandwiches, heaps of tomatoes and lashings of ginger beer to the nearest available uninhabited island, too. Usually on the very first afternoon.

Longer. 6 weeks is the minimum at some of the camps we looked at - we actually had trouble finding ones local to my mom that offered sessions ‘only’ 1-2 weeks. Summer holidays are something like 12 weeks, and parents will have less holiday entitlement than in the uk, so it isn’t uncommon for camps to go 9+ weeks. Short sessions are seen as more difficult than longer sessions, as children are able to form stronger bonds over time and feel more secure in the experience.

they are very expensive and a bit of a premium solution to the summer childcare dilemma, but for those that partake it is a cherished tradition. Not the right thing for every child, but for many of my friends who went it was a central part of their childhood and something they looked back on with a great deal of fond nostalgia.

Cruel? My weeks at my grandparents were a blast. They even let me use their library card as well as my own - so I could take out 12 books 😂.

Making a cake at 4 am because we could was a particular favourite. Midnight feasts like Malory towers! Watching the foxes and rabbits. Beach trips. Drawing. Playing post offices and shops. Watching countdown.

Amazing memories. I’d have stayed there for the 6 weeks. I’d do 2 weeks at one and as much as possible at the others.

I was going to say this. Or Arthur Ransome.

Children have spent holidays with family members for centuries. It can be amazing fun. Maybe sometimes it's dull - but if the parents are working there may be no choice.

Several of my teenage DCs live with grandparents full time due to various reasons. At least its family.

As long as they are loved and happy it's fine - and hopefully a great adventure. As a PP has said, the parents may be crying their eyes out as they drive away - I know I would have hated not to have mine at home. But sometimes needs must.

And even if OPs friend doesn't need to send them to the GPs - she may be struggling to cope or have MH issues requiring some downtime. She may also be a bit self-centred and just want some 'her' time - which most of us would find odd, but won't necessarily damage her children.

Swallows and Amazons forever.......🙂