To not give anymore of my inheritance away and look after my own family?

[MamaByTheOcean]

Sorry if this is a long one! Just wanting a bit of a sense check as I’m AuDHD and don’t always understand what is right to do in social situations.

I sadly lost my dad to cancer last year. I also lost my mum a few years ago suddenly and I don’t have any siblings so I have inherited all his estate and am currently dealing with things. He was quite silly with spending decisions after we lost my mum as he’d never really dealt with finances and definitely was undiagnosed on the spectrum so their decent estate dwindled a lot (about half of what he had when she died) even with me trying to help and guide him.

He always reassured me he’d leave me his small bungalow and campervan but decided to sell the camper for a lot under market value (about 40% of the £90k paid for it a year before) when he was poorly so I didn’t have to deal with it. He also decided in his last couple months to gift his 3 siblings £60k after originally deciding on £15k for all 3 previously.

Once I started sorting his finances I paid the siblings the £60k agreed and he had less than £1000 left in his accounts which just about covered the money due for the funeral on top of his funeral plan. His will officially just left everything to me but he had expressed some wishes to me to pay approx £15k to a few charities and friends from this money in his account but there isn’t enough left. My toddler who was my dads whole world wasn’t left anything officially in the will but I am intending on giving at least £20k of my money like he left each of his siblings which will go into their savings.

Im paying £250 a month for the utilities on the property whilst waiting for a sale to go through and had to pay for insurance etc on it which is a real struggle for me at the moment as I have my own house and nursery bills etc on a part time wage so I’m having to use some of the van money. Meanwhile my dad’s siblings have bought a brand new car and been on expensive holidays with the money they’ve got. Two of them have already spent all of it in the few months since he died.

once the house is sold I’ll be left with about £160k after all fees etc. I’m really reluctant to pay the charities as I want to make sure I have a safety net for my family with the money my dad wanted me to have but I feel so guilty not paying it as per his wishes.

On top of that my husband also suggested today to gift my dads siblings a few grand holiday to thank them for helping clear the house and clean it ready for sale which I feel is a bit of a joke when they’ve already spent the large chunk of money i already gave them whilst I’m struggling month to month at the minute. I was thinking of buying them a nice afternoon tea for them all but not thousands of pounds.

just not sure if I’m being unreasonable as I’m just trying to make sure I have a bit of security for my little family and my child especially.

Hope you have read the responses OP , and put a halt to dispensing any further funds till you've gone over it all ( there's still a point to getting a lawyer on board) . 2 points from me - someone has suggested that you check what he has given away , if anything , over the last 7 years as it will be caught up with by HMRC and may put you into a situation of having to pay IHT. Consider making a charity bequest but do your sums first . If you gift 10% of his estate to charity you will get a 4% discount on tax due (40% IHT drops to 36%). Depending on what is due, the charity donation can sometimes work in your favour. Get a lawyer if the 7 year tott up takes you well over 325 plus 175K !

The will didn’t mention any charities or siblings

I’m in the US, so maybe things are different there, but here the executor doesn’t give beneficiaries their inheritance until everything else has been done with regard to the estate settlement. Sell property or other belongings, pay for the funeral, all outstanding bills and taxes and reimburse the executor for their out-of-pocket expenses. It’s also normal for the executor to be paid a fee for their services out of the estate. If the deceased did not leave enough money to cover all the bequests, obviously you can’t leave them as much as the will states. Generally the remaining assets are divided proportionally, such as each beneficiary receives 50% of what they were promised.

If he made wishes known that h wanted to donate to specific charities then I would do as he wished

I think in hindsight you should have waited to pay siblings until the estate was settled

Why is there a pink lightning bolt on this?

Really surprised your husband said that. I’m also surprised by the funds given to siblings. His daughter and his toddler grandchild should have been the priority. I’m sorry to be offensive but this is an expensive and tough world for our generation. Your Dad wasn’t in a financial position to be so generous to his siblings when be was doing so at the expense of leaving his estate in order & sufficient. It doesn’t sound like he was calculating or thinking and planning logically. You are within your rights.

And no you don’t have to donate to charities. Your Dad wasn’t Richard Branson - charity starts at home & he should be ensuring the next generation has half a chance. Your child deserves a good and secure future. Many people are going to give you black and white advice and some of it will be born of envy and ‘I’m struggling so you should too’. You’re not a bad person for wanting to look after your own family. All of my money will go to my children without hesitation, if I had millions then I’d start considering charity. If I’m not here though I want to know my family has a safety net. You have to be the one to step in and protect your family. When you’re strong enough to be mortgage free and you’re marching into the middle class, then it’s the time to donate to charity,

Sorry for your loss.

I agree with PP, your father wanted you to have his money, and since you suspect neurodiversity and possibly exhaustion from older age, some financial decisions were made that weren't that good (selling the van for a lot less than he could have, and the other things mentioned in your OP).

That means that there is a lot less left for the charities, too. It should not be up to your to balance the books on what went wrong finance-wise.

Take a break from paying out, definitely, and make sure you keep your cash-flow in order until the house is sold and all accompanying bills. Probably would have been a more manageable order to wait with paying out the siblings (in full) until the house is sold, so that you don't have to pay from your own money for bills in the interim time.

I don't understand why your DH wants to give the siblings more money, if they had already their share. House clearing is a family affair and possibly they took some belongings from the house that were useful or memorable for themselves. If they hadn't helped, the money for a clearing company would have to come out of the estate sale anyways, so less money for everyone.

A nice afternoon tea or something similar is a good idea for a thanks; thousands of pounds is completely out of proportion, especially as you're struggling.

I also think that not all your own things should go only to your husband and then to your child. That could mean tax is paid twice (depending on your location); and especially in the light that your husbands is already distributing your inheritance to others. As you say that your child is your absolute priority, perhaps make sure that your child inherits on his/her own a share of your belongings directly.

The political situation is difficult and volatile, world news aren't that great, and with AutADHD, it's possible that you need more rest ( = less work) later in life compared to other people. The money could help you enormously. Keep yourself and your child safe first of all.

Also tell as few people as possible about it in real life, be careful for the hangers-on.

If your DH asked you to make payments out of the money he left you, you hold those funds in trust to carry out his wishes.

They are not yours to appropriate because you feel like £160,000 (!!!) is less than you were expecting.

You shouldn't have given away the money out of the accounts yet OP, all it has done is left you short on funds for dealing with the estate.

Try not to look at the amount in accounts and the amount from house sale etc as being separate things to pay different things as they aren't, if there is nothing specified in the will, it's all one pot, once the house is sold it all forms part of the total estate, and everything should then be distributed from that.

The siblings have already had their 60k, and you should really follow your dads wishes for the other 15k, then everything else will come to you anyway, if the siblings have helped you out personally than it would be nice to show your appreciation in some way, but you can choose whatever that is, the 60k is what your dad wanted to give them so remove that from the equation when considering how to say thank you to them.

It is then up to you what you do with relation to your daughter, it wouldn't really make sense for him to leave her anything in his will, because whatever he was leaving for her he would be taking away from you, so it is better that he trusts you to decide what to give her to be honest.

If your DH asked you to make payments out of the money he left you, you hold those funds in trust to carry out his wishes

I think you mean "DF", @Eatally, but actually if he didn't include any recent requests in a will then OP doesn't have to carry out any except those which were in it - and she said the will left everything to her

That said there's been no further update, so ...

You have done exactly what your Dad wanted I'm sure that he did not realise how his financial situation would stand after the sibling payout and presumed he had more money than he planned for and how this situation would affect you. Reasonably you should not have to give extra money to his siblings so not sure what your DH is thinking. As for charities and various friends, unless stated in a will as definite payments to be made I would say forget that and keep the money for yourself and his so loved grandchild. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty.

Estate and money are yours, you’ve already doled out £60K to the siblings: why would you give them even more when it was all willed to you?

If my father expressed wishes then providing the estate can cover them I would absolutely honour them....whether or not they are in the will.

Maybe he should have documented it better but the OP is still left with the lions share after all other wishes are covered.

Beneficiaries should always be written as percentages to ensure that it is split as intended.

@financialcareerstuff
"2. If you have some desperate need that he wasn’t aware of (eg debt or sickness), and if he’d been aware, he would have decided to leave it all to you. Or 3. If he changed his mind every day and you don’t think it was a real wish in the first place- it was just a random comment after lunch one day, or he wasn’t of sound mind etc Or 4. He specifically didn’t write it in the will because he was just sharing his ideas but wanted you to have discretion when the time came.
Otherwise, you are basically just disregarding his wishes and cheating charities, because you want £15k more on top of £145k you have legitimately."

OP says she is autistic and has ADHD, which are both considered disabilities.

Her father was suspected neurodivergent, too (it's often an inherited trait) and made - possibly due to grief or other reasons - not that great financial decisions, such as selling the van under value and diminishing his and his passed away wife's assets by 50% in a few years.
Already that money, had he made sure to sell the van at a better price, would have generated more money for charity.

OP has a part-time job - possibly due to childcare -, too, so can't earn full-time money at the moment.
All that are good reasons to be more careful with money.

Neurodiverse (esp. ADHD) people sometimes don't have that tight grasp on numbers, and can be overly generous - which is why this can contribute to their vulnerability. It's even more important to learn to keep oneself safe first of all, even if that goes against being "nice" and which is why I try to encourage OPs in such situations to take care of themselves.

The donations to charity (and it seems to the siblings) were not in will itself, so it's perfectly legal to not execute them; however, the siblings have been paid now.

Not saying OP should be like this person in the news, but maybe take a grain from their attitude to de-nice themselves.
www.telegraph.co.uk/politics/2025/04/19/hs2-boss-earning-200k-put-540-tube-journey-on-expenses/

DP is having a similar issue with his dad’s estate. Although his is in a trust, DP is having to pay out of pocket for repairs, utilities etc until the house sells, water company have been fantastic and said if the house doesn’t sell in 6 months then we have to pay. British Gas were helpful the only people not helpful were BT, DP needs internet to keep cameras on as we live far away. All of what he’s spent is coming out of the trust before it’s split as FIL wanted. DP’s brother hasn’t offered to help, DP begged him to contribute to the labour otherwise would cost them more and he turned up for 2 hours and did a half ass job of it, has now complained because DP had to get contractors in to finish last room as to get in the market for but he literally did everything else himself. DP is executor so is in charge and his brother keeps questioning whether he knows how much money they are dealing with. And complaining everytime DP has to spend some money on the house. He has no say what so ever. They are gaining access to the death bond next week so he can claw some money owed back from that, dp brother thinks he can get some to tie him over. Just excess.
DP other brother hasn’t offered even contributed to the house, as he’s abroad and can’t get over he appreciates DP’s hard work. Most Families are money oriented, DP brothers defo is, it’s the first thing he asked about no less than 24 hours after the death and has not stopped since. I say give maybe a grand for charity and at least you’ve adhered your dad’s wishes. Keep the rest for yourself. Although I’d have probably waited until the house sold and then get the money back owed for bills and then shared it out, not fair they are coming primarily out of your portion.

Sorry for your loss. I'm on the spectrum too so I know that comes with a strong sense of fairness. I appreciate you might feel its unfair that you're getting less than expected. But I suspect the reason your dad didn't feel the need to put the charities in his will is because he trusted you. It doesn't feel justified/fair to ignore his wishes just because you're not legally forced to honor them. The £145k you'll be left with is still a life changing amount of money, I know many people who could pay off the remainder of their mortgage with that kind of money.

No to buying your aunts/uncles a holiday -they've had their share already.

Maybe too late for you but in casevit helps someone else reading this, you don't have to pay out what is bequeathed in the will until everything in the estate has been sold. Also, from my own experience, the utility companies allowed me not to pay until the estate was settled so the final payments were made once the house was sold.

Quite, the ops done a lot and didn’t get gifted 60k, they are her dads siblings. Nothing for the siblings, nothing for the friends, he should have included them when he was throwing money away. I’d give a small amount to the charities.

Bullshit. There is no trust fund. His will left everything to her. It was her father not her husband. She's already given £60k to each of his siblings, which she didn't have to give, because the money was left to her. If DF had truly wanted it left to siblings he could have written that into his will. He didn't. So it's irrelevant. She gave it out of the kindness of her heart.

OP don't give siblings more and don't give to the charities or friends either. Go by what's in the will. Even your DFs words: to pay the charities out of the money in the account, isn't possible because there isn't any money in the account! Which he'd have known if he'd tried to write up his will properly. It would have become apparent he was trying to leave more than he had available.

Don't worry about it or what other people think. Keep the money for yourself because that's what the will says. Give whatever you want to your DC, because it's your money now to do whatever you want with. This money is an opportunity for you. These types of opportunity don't come our way often, if ever, so don't squander it trying to be extra nice to everyone. Use it to secure your own future.

Tbh neither charities or the siblings were in any will. We only gave ops word that this had even been discussed

After her father’s death Op took the money that was in his bank account and gave it to his siblings and that left only £1000 with to cover all the other expenses

If he so wanted to give £60k each to his siblings and £15k to charity, then he should have added these wishes to his will and op should have waited till things had been sorted

Whilst her father might not have been financially astute when it came to money. I don’t think the apple falls very far from the tree
Giving away £60,000 x 3 to siblings that were never in any will and then thinking about giving away more money to charities just because the father talked about it at one point Even not waiting for the full picture on his estate is reckless

We actually don’t know the amount he gave his siblings or anyone in the previous 7 years before his death. There is a hint in the OP that the df did do some larger transfers out of his bank account so these also need adding up together with the £180,000 the siblings had and the house and any other savings/investments and any other things he owned.

I completely agree with this. OP's dad seemed to think he had far, far more money than he actually had in reality which already means he was somewhat confused about finances, he made some poor financial decisions and did not have a realistic view of what his finances actually looked like.

As for the people castigating the OP for not giving out more- it was in his legal WILL that she should have all of it, If you think a legal document like a will should be ignored then that is somewhat concerning. Of course the OP can give some money to charity on his behalf if she so wishes but considering she has her child's future to think of, her and her child should come first and I am quite sure if her father knew what he actually had left at the end he would want the same. Her dad sounds like he was a truly lovely person but I really hope he wasnt taken advantage of by his siblings which is always a risk when you have someone elderly who is very kind.

Sorry for your loss.

It seems he had no idea how much he had in his accounts, from where he was expecting you to pay siblings, friends and charities, there isn't any money left, so unfortunately the friends and charities miss out. Personally I would be suspicious as to why he suddenly decided to give the siblings more, but I guess it's too late now.

Check the utility bills and meter readings, you might just be building up credit on the accounts paying direct debits way over the amounts being used. You should get any credit refunded and get the direct debits set to a more reasonable level if this is the case.