To not give anymore of my inheritance away and look after my own family?

[MamaByTheOcean]

Sorry if this is a long one! Just wanting a bit of a sense check as I’m AuDHD and don’t always understand what is right to do in social situations.

I sadly lost my dad to cancer last year. I also lost my mum a few years ago suddenly and I don’t have any siblings so I have inherited all his estate and am currently dealing with things. He was quite silly with spending decisions after we lost my mum as he’d never really dealt with finances and definitely was undiagnosed on the spectrum so their decent estate dwindled a lot (about half of what he had when she died) even with me trying to help and guide him.

He always reassured me he’d leave me his small bungalow and campervan but decided to sell the camper for a lot under market value (about 40% of the £90k paid for it a year before) when he was poorly so I didn’t have to deal with it. He also decided in his last couple months to gift his 3 siblings £60k after originally deciding on £15k for all 3 previously.

Once I started sorting his finances I paid the siblings the £60k agreed and he had less than £1000 left in his accounts which just about covered the money due for the funeral on top of his funeral plan. His will officially just left everything to me but he had expressed some wishes to me to pay approx £15k to a few charities and friends from this money in his account but there isn’t enough left. My toddler who was my dads whole world wasn’t left anything officially in the will but I am intending on giving at least £20k of my money like he left each of his siblings which will go into their savings.

Im paying £250 a month for the utilities on the property whilst waiting for a sale to go through and had to pay for insurance etc on it which is a real struggle for me at the moment as I have my own house and nursery bills etc on a part time wage so I’m having to use some of the van money. Meanwhile my dad’s siblings have bought a brand new car and been on expensive holidays with the money they’ve got. Two of them have already spent all of it in the few months since he died.

once the house is sold I’ll be left with about £160k after all fees etc. I’m really reluctant to pay the charities as I want to make sure I have a safety net for my family with the money my dad wanted me to have but I feel so guilty not paying it as per his wishes.

On top of that my husband also suggested today to gift my dads siblings a few grand holiday to thank them for helping clear the house and clean it ready for sale which I feel is a bit of a joke when they’ve already spent the large chunk of money i already gave them whilst I’m struggling month to month at the minute. I was thinking of buying them a nice afternoon tea for them all but not thousands of pounds.

just not sure if I’m being unreasonable as I’m just trying to make sure I have a bit of security for my little family and my child especially.

If the charities and friends aren’t in the will then I wouldn’t. It was just idle chatter on your dad’s part. If they’re in the will then they should be paid

Exactly, plus it sounds like your dad quite over estimated what he thought would actually be left which changes things somewhat. As PP have said, if it meant that much to him then he should have put the charities in his will. But he didnt.

Keep it.

I would not have paid anything to the siblings until the rest of the estate was settled. You shouldn’t have risked being out of pocket for bills even temporarily.

if the will doesn’t specify other recipients and payments, it was all just idle speculation. He may have had big dreams, but if his dream state doesn’t reflect that reality, you should keep the money and help your immediate family. Your father likely would have wanted his estate to have a positive impact on your life and his grandchild’s life.

Siblings had a nerve to take it. Bet they won’t leave op anything in their Wills if they have their own dc.

Why did you give the siblings £60,000 - was that amount per sibling or between them ? If they weren’t mentioned in your Dad’s Will, surely they weren’t entitled to that amount ?

Anyway, all you need do now is stick to the terms of the Will.

Not sure what your dh is thinking in giving the vultures more money? You need to put probate through before distributing assets. Not sure what his will says, but that would be handy to know.
Keep money for yourself and dds future in a trust. Slow down with the dishing out of things, take your time.
So sorry for your losses💐

Do not give the siblings a penny more. It is absolutely your money so put it in the bank or buy some premium bonds but just bloomin well enjoy it, just like your dad would have wanted you to.

You have a look ready honoured your dad's very generous gift to his siblings. No idea why he decided to give so much to them, but the money was his to give away therefore so be it. However you have honoured his wishes no no red to even think about giving them more. Why would you? As others have said it is quite unusual to give that much to siblings when you have a child and grandchildren of your own. The charity donations are a bit more difficult. Still his own money to give away as he chooses. I can understand your frustration though after 60 thousand going to his siblings. Hopefully he hasn't stated an actual amount and you can give a token gift. If he has stated a definite amount that you think is too generous ...maybe he wasn't quite in his right mind at the time. If you think that is so I would just give a token amount. As for the siblings ...if they've been given 20 thousand each from their brother's estate and have wasted/spent it ..that is nothing to do with you. It's gone and they are definitely not entitled to any more. 💐

I'm sorry for your loss OP, I lost my DF too recently

Take your time, it isn't going anywhere. Just take some breathing space before you make any major decisions

Do you mean the siblings weren't in the will, that it was just his verbal wish that they be given £60k?!

It's your money keep it for you I'm sure your dad would want you to share it with your family if they want a holiday they can use their own inheritance money not extra on top of it

This
i dealt with my aunties estate and she had left X amount to a charity and they wrote to me to pass on their condolences and knew the amount they had been left.

(Bluntly, sorry)

Your dad lost his grip on the reality of finances - he seemed to think he had a bottomless pit of money which he was kindly helping out all sorts of people with.

and you should not give away any money, unless explicitly stated in the will

you have tried to be kind and do the right thing by others - and you have put yourself and your child last in the process

have you paid the 60k to the siblings ? If not, get a solicitor and don’t do it - unless it’s stated in the will

Convenient of your DH to suggest how to spend your money! Ignore him. You’ve done fine by them when you didn’t need to.

Nope to giving more money to the sibs. After all would you be expecting to inherit from them? Sorry for your loss. Look after yourself.

Keep it all and don’t feel bad. If you really want to feel better then maybe donate to a few charities but be realistic, I wouldn’t give to “main stream” charities, I’d give to small and local foundations.

This is your money and it doesn’t matter what anyone else would do.

The siblings should have waited until the house was sold for their share, so you wouldn’t be struggling now.

What is your current living situation?

Do you own a home? What’s the mortgage on the property?

Have you started an LISA or pension plan for you child?

What are you hoping to achieve?

Then work from there.

Never mind her dad, what about her husband? Wanting to pay some people a few thousand pounds for at best a couple of hundred pounds worth of work, that they shuold be doing for free anyway. What the fuck is his problem?

When you do your own will, don't leave your cash to your husband then your child. Husband's can remarry, or change their wills. If you want your child to benefit, leave it to them directly.

Gosh, your husband is rather generous with your money...

I will be inheriting a large amount and my DH has said he is just a "passenger" on the journey. By that he means I am in the driver's seat and I will absolutely be ensuring my own financial security.

Your child should be your priority.

There are multiple issues within your post, and only one of them is now of any relevance. Therefore you absolutely have to seperate each issue out, forget about what's done, and focus on what is.

Your father's money management is done and dusted - you can't change it, so forget all about it and focus on what money is left.

Likewise, the fact he gifted money to three of his siblings was also his choice, and it can't be changed. What they have spent the money on, how quickly, and how much is left has no bearing on your situation, and (kindly) I am very confused as to why you are giving in head-space, let alone mention it here.

The fact your dad did not leave anything to your son is also completely irrelevant.

What matters is that you have been left a house, you are responsible for all the costs of running it until it is sold, and then you get to keep whatever is left. That's how it works when you are left a property. Again, it is all out of your control and you can only follow the system.

Your dad should have put it in his will if he wanted charities to benefit from his death. Only you know what he told you, no one else, and in fact you could end up giving the £15000 away to those charities, but how would you justify that if, say, at a later date you had to apply for a means-tested benefit and found your bank account had to be scrutinized? I grant you it's an unlikely scenario, but the principle remains the same - any donation you make from the sale of the house comes from you and not your dad. Only you can decide if you think it's fair to part with your money to support your father's causes.

As for rewarding the siblings for helping out, frankly, their support is the least you could expect from them after your father was so very generous to them. The idea of paying for them to go on holiday is utter madness, and I say this because they've had plenty of money and are not entitled to any of yours. But you really have to let go of what they've spent their money on - it's no one else's business but theirs.

If you gave the siblings 60k each within 7 years of your DF's passing, inheritance tax will be payable by them on this amount.
https://www.gov.uk/inheritance-tax/gifts

That is assuming the will does not stipulate gifts are tax free.

YANBU, keep it all for you and your kids. Why is your dh getting involved on who you give it to?

am sorry for your losses and the situation you fibd yourself in. Your sad wanted you to give 15k to charities. That would leave you with 145k. Do you really feel you cant afford to remain with "just" 145k? I appreciate this is way below what you expected but I feel like its still possible to be "contended" with that. Alternatively give 5to7.5k to charities then keep the rest?
You definitely dont need to give the siblings any more

I am so sorry for the loss of your parents.
We had a similar situation and there were step siblings involved and we're actually waiting around for my mum to pass as she didn't have long left.
My husband and I spent months sorting everything and we had lots of outstanding bills and costs due to the house not being fit to sell.
Do what is right for you , plan what you are going to do and put it into an account in your name only and don't touch it until everything is sorted and you have had time to grieve .
Nobody else needs any more money / holidays / cars because you have children and bills to pay yourself .

If you were left everything in his will, you don't need to give any of it to charity or any more to his siblings.