To not give anymore of my inheritance away and look after my own family?

[MamaByTheOcean]

Sorry if this is a long one! Just wanting a bit of a sense check as I’m AuDHD and don’t always understand what is right to do in social situations.

I sadly lost my dad to cancer last year. I also lost my mum a few years ago suddenly and I don’t have any siblings so I have inherited all his estate and am currently dealing with things. He was quite silly with spending decisions after we lost my mum as he’d never really dealt with finances and definitely was undiagnosed on the spectrum so their decent estate dwindled a lot (about half of what he had when she died) even with me trying to help and guide him.

He always reassured me he’d leave me his small bungalow and campervan but decided to sell the camper for a lot under market value (about 40% of the £90k paid for it a year before) when he was poorly so I didn’t have to deal with it. He also decided in his last couple months to gift his 3 siblings £60k after originally deciding on £15k for all 3 previously.

Once I started sorting his finances I paid the siblings the £60k agreed and he had less than £1000 left in his accounts which just about covered the money due for the funeral on top of his funeral plan. His will officially just left everything to me but he had expressed some wishes to me to pay approx £15k to a few charities and friends from this money in his account but there isn’t enough left. My toddler who was my dads whole world wasn’t left anything officially in the will but I am intending on giving at least £20k of my money like he left each of his siblings which will go into their savings.

Im paying £250 a month for the utilities on the property whilst waiting for a sale to go through and had to pay for insurance etc on it which is a real struggle for me at the moment as I have my own house and nursery bills etc on a part time wage so I’m having to use some of the van money. Meanwhile my dad’s siblings have bought a brand new car and been on expensive holidays with the money they’ve got. Two of them have already spent all of it in the few months since he died.

once the house is sold I’ll be left with about £160k after all fees etc. I’m really reluctant to pay the charities as I want to make sure I have a safety net for my family with the money my dad wanted me to have but I feel so guilty not paying it as per his wishes.

On top of that my husband also suggested today to gift my dads siblings a few grand holiday to thank them for helping clear the house and clean it ready for sale which I feel is a bit of a joke when they’ve already spent the large chunk of money i already gave them whilst I’m struggling month to month at the minute. I was thinking of buying them a nice afternoon tea for them all but not thousands of pounds.

just not sure if I’m being unreasonable as I’m just trying to make sure I have a bit of security for my little family and my child especially.

I was thinking the same. They probably left with their pockets and cars stuffed full of jewellery and other valuables. If they had the shamelessness to take money off their niece from her father (no matter his bonkers/reckless wishes) it wouldn’t be surprising.

No.

She has not given the siblings their share.

She has given them MORE THAN their share because they were never entitled to anything in the first place due to the will leaving everything to the OP.

If the OPs father than wanted them to have this money, he would have left them money. Instead it sounds like they have been emotionally blackmailing the OP into giving them money at a time when she was emotionally vulnerable.

This is not ok.

You follow the will, not what might have been said verbally. Verbal comments are not legally binding. He may have said that just to get rid of them because he felt he couldn't say no. He may have said £60k at a time when he himself wasn't making good decisions financially not realising the state of his finances.

Either way he didn't formally leave them anything. You legally owe them nothing.

If they are bothered, give them a copy of the will and say you've already been more than generous under the circumstances.

Their reaction will tell you a lot about whether its worth maintaining your relationship with them.

I would be livid with my husband if I was in your position and wary about what he may be planning with the house proceeds. Please go and see a solicitor - apart from anything else, to see what you can do to protect your son in the event your DH outlives you.

Personally I would make a small contribution to a charity that’s close to your late father’s heart - maybe £5K. And absolutely no more to the siblings. I think you’re going to be in for a challenging 2025 - best of luck with it all.

If his will stares everything to you then why on earth have you given any money to his siblings??? This makes zero sense to me.

Why would you give any money to charity?? Why would you gift your siblings a holiday or an afternoon tea?

There is hardly any money already and you are demonstrating terrible financial behaviour. Stop it.

OP - don’t give a cent to any of these charities. Most of the money that goes to charity goes to pay the person at the very top and then admin costs - very little money ever gets to where it needs to actually go.

I don’t understand why you’re paying the utilities for the empty property. I’m in a similar situation atm. Council Tax is stopped for 12 months, Water bill overpayment has been refunded to me. Gas and Electricity will be paid once the property is sold, I’ve left the boiler on to keep it running plus that account is in credit. All I’m paying is house insurance each month.

This is the time the vultures come out! Keep hold of the money, sit on it. Execute the will as it says but the rest is yours. Dont get emotionally coerced into lending/giving to family. They know youre good for the cash so why cant they have some too. Been there, done that. Money really brings out the true character of these people

Why should you also gift the siblings a holiday? Surely they could’ve booked their own out of their 60k each!!!

All the estate goes to you. It isn’t left to your child because he expects all your money money to be left to her. That’s very normal. You don’t need to ring fence it for her unless you think it might be frittered. My understanding is that if the money is paid into an account in your name it is yours until you meld it with your Dhs in a joint account but I have no experience of that.
You’ve already given the siblings what your DF said so you don’t need to be buying them holidays or giving them thousands of pounds of your own money. Personally I’d just put the whole lot in your mortgage and be a little richer every month. It will be like a little present every month from him.

You seem to be suggesting your df left you to struggle and instructed you to give away 10s of 1000s that has left you struggling

The will was quite clear that you got everything

There was no mention of giving siblings or charities anything

You chose to give the money away before everything was settled and the monies should have been there to pay for all the expenses and not leave you short of funds or struggling whilst the house was sold.

This isn’t a social issue, this is a legal one

If he had really wanted to give siblings and charities anything then he would have put it in writing

Just because he said something it doesn’t make it legal and you have to do it.

Also tell your dh that you have already paid his siblings £60,000 that they shouldn’t have technically got so helping to clear out the house was nice but doesn’t warrant anymore money.

Be very careful giving out money if legally you don’t have to.

It can open up a can of worms in alsorts of areas of your life

Stick to what is in the will and the legal side of things.

Although atm it sounds like he left not quite enough to pay any IHT, have you checked his bank accounts etc to see if there were any “gifts” given to anyone in the last 7 years
as those gifts could be added to his final total estate and could push him through the IHT barrier

If after everything was sold and taxes paid you had wanted to give something to someone then that would have been the time to do it.

Remember to deduct the amount you have paid keeping everything going with his house etc over the last few months as that also needs deducting from his estate total

Keep it. You've lost both parents while your child is still young, use that money to make your life easier for the long haul. Don't you DARE give any more to the sibling, you hear? Don't you dare- I think everyone on this thread will be cross with you if you do so imagine us all behind you when they stick our their money grabbing hands again!

Why would you give the siblings 60k each if they are not in the will? Did they just tell you that was agreed? Or it was your dads wishes was he well enough to decide that?
also should you have been giving away money before probate and before the full estate is settled, there will be taxes etc to pay and you will likely now be liable for it as the siblings have spent the money
Tbh you probably should have let a solicitor take care of it all, it likely would have cost you less money and stress in the long run

It rather sound as though your dad made a lot of declarations about exact amounts of money (large amounts!) to be splashed around without having the faintest idea of how much money there actually was, or would be. I'm not saying this to be unkind about your dad - it just sounds a lot like "when I win the lottery" talk. I would say take it all with a pinch of salt, he couldn't have wanted you to be left with nothing if the only thing that he actually set in stone was that everything goes to you.

You know this isn’t true? Maybe read something other than the daily mail

You were foolish to give your siblings any money in the first place when they weren't even in the will. 60k is plenty to have a holiday, why on earth would you need to pay for one too?

I'm massively side eyeing your DH for suggesting that.

Keep YOUR money. All of it.

£500 to charity next year if you feel like it. But everything else goes to you & your son

You've done enough, OP.

I agree with not making any decisions just yet.

If you keep at least some of it as cash (i.e don't pay off your mortgage not give it away) then it will generate reasonable interest.

You could use this money for charitable donations.

Please keep the money for your family. I would expect that your father would want you and your family looked after first and foremost.

@MamaByTheOcean I'm really sorry for your loss OP, but it sounds like you're doing a very good job of sorting out your dad's estate.
My advice would be to go with the cream-tea idea for your dad's siblings. They shouldn't be expecting anything more after getting the chunk they've already had. Heaven knows what your DH is thinking by suggesting giving them thousands more because they helped clear your dad's house (it's likely they did that in gratitude for the bequest left to each of them). And if you want to defend this decision to your DH, research a few house clearance companies and see how much they'd charge - take an average of these three figures and divide it by the number of your dad's siblings (I bet it would come to hundreds per sibling, not thousands).
Regarding the charities, personally I would give them something, but not a total of £15k. Of course, it depends how many charities your dad indicated, but if it were, say, three, instead of giving them £5k each I'd give them £2k each.
Sadly, if your dad hadn't been so profligate after your mum died, you'd all be better off (although, of course, it was his money to do what he liked with). I'm afraid my dad was the same. Mum always managed the household finances and dad was a bit clueless - he burned his way through £11k in just two weeks after she died, which I put down to grief, but the truth is he was always foolish with money and made poor decisions.
I hope you can arrive at some decisions that you feel comfortable with OP. 💜

I'll add that when I had to administer an estate, my first reaction was to give more than outlined in the will to some family members. My solicitor quite rightly counselled against it.

In the end, I did give some of them a bit more but do regret that to an extent, given their behaviour.

@RedToothBrush @SouthLondonMum22 Just to be clear, OP doesn't have any siblings. She has given money to her dad's siblings.

I was well aware of that.

They aren't entitled to shit. They aren't in the will.

It's highly unusual to give money to your siblings when you're at grandparent age, unless you have no (living) children or grandchildren.

What you're effectively doing is giving money to your nieces and nephews - IF their parents don't blow the lot on new cars, fancy holidays or whatever - which may be nice; but then will the siblings reciprocate and leave an equivalent amount to your children in their will? Probably not, I'd guess.

We have a relative in her 80s who has never married and has no children of her own, but does own her home outright. She doesn't want to make a will(?!) but has said that she would like her DSis to inherit her house, as she currently rents.

Apart from the fact that her DSis is only slightly younger than her - and in very poor health - she is married to a considerably younger man, with children of his own from a previous marriage, so the chances are that she would inherit the house, then very soon be leaving it to her DH, who would then instinctively leave it to his own middle-aged children, along with the rest of his (previously their) estate and whatever they get from their mother - meaning that the original DA's N&Ns will get nothing, which I really don't think she'd want at all, but she seems to not get that most people pass down and not across, according to subjectively perceived need at the time.

As PPs have said, so many people like to be super generous when planning their wills; and it is usually a lot of money, if it includes a house, but it isn't an unlimited amount (as many seem to have in their heads), and you can't spend the same money multiple times. Just like if you won a million on the lottery and had 50 people pleading for 'just' £25K with a big compelling sob story, you simply couldn't do so, even if you wanted to.

As for the camper, unfortunately vehicles do lose a great deal of their value once they're no longer new - even if only a year old - although that does sound a significantly larger drop than I'd expect.

You can get a decent used camper van for far, far less than £90K. It seems a slightly odd choice for somebody in his position - I'd be expecting that kind of van to be bought by mega-rich people who would get months of use from it annually, for years and years.

I wonder if the person to whom he sold it also massively undervalued it to scoop themselves a big bargain; or maybe they had a sob story too, about how their children desperately needed holidays and this was the only way they wouldn't go without (even though they clearly had tens of thousands spare to buy the van!).

It depends very much on the charity. Whilst 'very little' might be an exaggeration, some of them do spend a very, very large portion of their income - over and above the necessary admin and overheads - on causes that most givers would probably not be expecting, or supportive of.