To not give anymore of my inheritance away and look after my own family?

[MamaByTheOcean]

Sorry if this is a long one! Just wanting a bit of a sense check as I’m AuDHD and don’t always understand what is right to do in social situations.

I sadly lost my dad to cancer last year. I also lost my mum a few years ago suddenly and I don’t have any siblings so I have inherited all his estate and am currently dealing with things. He was quite silly with spending decisions after we lost my mum as he’d never really dealt with finances and definitely was undiagnosed on the spectrum so their decent estate dwindled a lot (about half of what he had when she died) even with me trying to help and guide him.

He always reassured me he’d leave me his small bungalow and campervan but decided to sell the camper for a lot under market value (about 40% of the £90k paid for it a year before) when he was poorly so I didn’t have to deal with it. He also decided in his last couple months to gift his 3 siblings £60k after originally deciding on £15k for all 3 previously.

Once I started sorting his finances I paid the siblings the £60k agreed and he had less than £1000 left in his accounts which just about covered the money due for the funeral on top of his funeral plan. His will officially just left everything to me but he had expressed some wishes to me to pay approx £15k to a few charities and friends from this money in his account but there isn’t enough left. My toddler who was my dads whole world wasn’t left anything officially in the will but I am intending on giving at least £20k of my money like he left each of his siblings which will go into their savings.

Im paying £250 a month for the utilities on the property whilst waiting for a sale to go through and had to pay for insurance etc on it which is a real struggle for me at the moment as I have my own house and nursery bills etc on a part time wage so I’m having to use some of the van money. Meanwhile my dad’s siblings have bought a brand new car and been on expensive holidays with the money they’ve got. Two of them have already spent all of it in the few months since he died.

once the house is sold I’ll be left with about £160k after all fees etc. I’m really reluctant to pay the charities as I want to make sure I have a safety net for my family with the money my dad wanted me to have but I feel so guilty not paying it as per his wishes.

On top of that my husband also suggested today to gift my dads siblings a few grand holiday to thank them for helping clear the house and clean it ready for sale which I feel is a bit of a joke when they’ve already spent the large chunk of money i already gave them whilst I’m struggling month to month at the minute. I was thinking of buying them a nice afternoon tea for them all but not thousands of pounds.

just not sure if I’m being unreasonable as I’m just trying to make sure I have a bit of security for my little family and my child especially.

This.

Can one assume that a wife in similar circumstances would make no comments regarding her husband's inheritance, leaving him to keep it for himself and whomever he chooses, or would it be 'family money' in that case?

Definitely don't give any more to the siblings.

And don't give any money to the charities until after the house is sold.

And if there was no set amount mentioned in the will, you're under no obligation to give the amount he arbitrarily said.

If it brings you some peace, wait until the dust has settled, throw a few hundred quid at each of the charities, and but the remainder in future savings for your son.

My Dad was quite like this - insofar as he frittered a large amount of money after my Mum died (but more to the extent he died penniless and intestate...in fact in debt).

That aside, I would have no hesitation in ignoring his wishes regarding the charities. They aren't legal bequests so there is no true obligation on you to do it. It seems clear that your Dad - whilst lovely - wasn't financially very astute otherwise you wouldn't be so out of pocket during the probate period. His siblings have done very very well out of an estate worth only £220k and are lucky you honoured the gifts they had been promised. They don't need anything more.

Look after your family its all fine.

If I was inheriting £160 I'd have no issue giving the £15k away as per dad's wishes. The difference between £145k and £160k is really not a lot in terms of a family's security. But it is up to you. As for the siblings yes I think afternoon tea would be fine.

His siblings have had enough!: I wouldn't give them a penny more, because of what you said about how much more they have got each.
Keep as much of the money for yourself.

Sorry, I misread your post.
And I agree, they weren't legally entitled to anything, but that ship has sailed as OP has already given them what her dad, presumably verbally, told her he wanted her to. I certainly wouldn't be giving them any more than the cream tea OP has suggested as a thank you for their help clearing the house.

On top of that my husband also suggested today to gift my dads siblings a few grand holiday to thank them for helping clear the house and clean it ready for sale which I feel is a bit of a joke when they’ve already spent the large chunk of money i already gave them

Why the fuck would you give them more money?????

I agree with that.

I think you have been great and you are right to secure your own family's future. I hope the sale goes through quickly.

OP, what would your mum have wanted? It sounds like she was the sensible one in the relationship and would have wanted you and your family to have a decent amount from the money they had built up over the years, rather than frittered it away on holidays for relatives.

Don't give any to siblings

Where did the instruction to make cash gifts to the siblings come from? It sounds as though it was a verbal request, not part of the will. But in as much as you paid them that money, it also sounds as though your father did not personally make that gift before his death. Was it a verbal or written request, and did it actually come from him, or did they tell you that that was what he had promised them? Was he of sound mind? I'm just concerned that you may have been conned by the siblings. I know many pp have said it's in the past now, but if you're autistic then there may be an argument that you have been defrauded. You are certainly getting bad advice from your DH. If he wants to treat them all to a holiday he should do it on his own nickel fgs.

What a pain for you, OP. It sounds as if your dad didn't get good advice about writing his will. Leaving a proportion of his estate to the beneficiaries rather than naming amounts would have avoided this problem .
I'm sure that your dad would want you and DS to inherit a decent amount so if the other bequests are not specified in the will, I wouldn't make them. Maybe give each person 1K or £500as a token that he remembered them.

You shouldn’t really have started paying out anything from the estate other than covering bills until any debts were settled and all assets were realised. At that point you will know what you have left and can then 1) settle specific bequests in the will and if there are any funds remaining consider any wishes. It sounds like you have paid out wishes - which aren’t legally binding ahead of settling the will. Please don’t pay out any more on wishes until the bungalow is sold and you know the final position of the estate.

Siblings have got more than enough already. As for charities, just see how you feel after and how much money you have after the sale of the house.

You asked for a reality check. It seems the will left everything to you. It also seems your Dad had no clue about how much money he had left. You should not have paid anyone anything until the estate was sorted out first. That means all bills paid, house sold etc. And then you should have made a decision on giving his siblings a token amount, not 60K each. Your husband is bang out of order to even suggest you give them anything else. The siblings should have cleared the house out for love of your father not for financial reward. And no do not give any more money to anyone. Unless it's in the will. There is no way your father would have intended his only child to be left in this financial mess and with his siblings squandering his hard earner money.

I'm very sorry for your loss OP 💐
As some other OP have said, I think you should step back from these decisions for a few weeks and just park it all whilst you are still grieving. It's a long journey with no shortcuts and you need to give yourself some space.

I really don't think you should give any more money to family members, it sounds like they have already benefitted anyway. As for charities, unless they are specifically mentioned in the will, maybe consider small donations that are affordable.

Keep every penny

Siblings sound greedy. No more for them.

As others have said. Take care of yourself

As the executor you were supposed to complete and run down estate before making any bequests. You need to stick to what his will stated, unless he didn't leave a will. Don't give siblings any more.

That's not how I understand it.

OP gave them £20K each, as her DF had asked her to (and presumably told them of his wishes), and they gratefully accepted it. They may have splurged it, but there were no stipulations that it had to be eked out and only spent on 'sensible' purchases.

It's OP's DH who suggested giving them more; I don't think they ever actually asked for or hinted after it, did they?

I’m glad that your uncles and aunts have helped with the house clearing and cleaning. That sounds respectful to you and to your dad given what they have already received. As PPs have said, if bequests are not written into the Will, you had no obligation to honour your dad’s verbal wishes. They are very lucky that you did so. Your husband is being rather odd to suggest that you hand over even more money to them. It doesn’t make any sense. Has he helped you a lot? Does he think that you should be recognising this with a gift for himself? I am just wondering if it is a roundabout way of saying it.

My only experiences of elderly male relatives near to death have been similar to yours. Lots of talk about where they want their wealth to go and almost a grandiose largesse. The sums don’t always add up to what they actually have. The fantasy of all this beneficence when they have gone was enjoyable and comforting to them. To the listeners though, it can result in higher expectations and eventual disappointment.

After the death, your actual legal guide and obligation is to enact what is written in the Will, after paying any taxes and debts. We must assume that it was written when he was thinking logically and of sound mind.
I would suggest leaving the charity payments for now. Also, any other gifts. If you wish to, and your circumstances permit, you can make those at some point in the future. In your dad’s name if that helps you. If people do ask you could just say that he didn’t have as much money as he thought.
Campers do tend to hold their value really well so it was a shame that he was taken advantage of there.

If the siblings weren’t actually given named amounts in the actual will you shouldn’t have given them anything and the same goes for the charities . If the will states you get the lot then it is yours to decide what happens to it .

Don’t give them anything more. Keep it to yourself.

The vultures always circle when there's a will.

You do not give anyone including these charities a penny more. For a start you have to reimburse yourself for expenses until the house is sold.

I would be horrified if my two felt under any pressure in the depths of their grief to give my money away.

Not one penny more!