To not give anymore of my inheritance away and look after my own family?

[MamaByTheOcean]

Sorry if this is a long one! Just wanting a bit of a sense check as I’m AuDHD and don’t always understand what is right to do in social situations.

I sadly lost my dad to cancer last year. I also lost my mum a few years ago suddenly and I don’t have any siblings so I have inherited all his estate and am currently dealing with things. He was quite silly with spending decisions after we lost my mum as he’d never really dealt with finances and definitely was undiagnosed on the spectrum so their decent estate dwindled a lot (about half of what he had when she died) even with me trying to help and guide him.

He always reassured me he’d leave me his small bungalow and campervan but decided to sell the camper for a lot under market value (about 40% of the £90k paid for it a year before) when he was poorly so I didn’t have to deal with it. He also decided in his last couple months to gift his 3 siblings £60k after originally deciding on £15k for all 3 previously.

Once I started sorting his finances I paid the siblings the £60k agreed and he had less than £1000 left in his accounts which just about covered the money due for the funeral on top of his funeral plan. His will officially just left everything to me but he had expressed some wishes to me to pay approx £15k to a few charities and friends from this money in his account but there isn’t enough left. My toddler who was my dads whole world wasn’t left anything officially in the will but I am intending on giving at least £20k of my money like he left each of his siblings which will go into their savings.

Im paying £250 a month for the utilities on the property whilst waiting for a sale to go through and had to pay for insurance etc on it which is a real struggle for me at the moment as I have my own house and nursery bills etc on a part time wage so I’m having to use some of the van money. Meanwhile my dad’s siblings have bought a brand new car and been on expensive holidays with the money they’ve got. Two of them have already spent all of it in the few months since he died.

once the house is sold I’ll be left with about £160k after all fees etc. I’m really reluctant to pay the charities as I want to make sure I have a safety net for my family with the money my dad wanted me to have but I feel so guilty not paying it as per his wishes.

On top of that my husband also suggested today to gift my dads siblings a few grand holiday to thank them for helping clear the house and clean it ready for sale which I feel is a bit of a joke when they’ve already spent the large chunk of money i already gave them whilst I’m struggling month to month at the minute. I was thinking of buying them a nice afternoon tea for them all but not thousands of pounds.

just not sure if I’m being unreasonable as I’m just trying to make sure I have a bit of security for my little family and my child especially.

Just done a quick google and apart from aviva most banks will release 50k to partners of the deceased without probate. I named aviva as their figure astounds me. 200k before probate is required

Rob

Also, it sounds like your dad wasn't great with money. When he was talking about giving 60k here and 15k there etc etc he might well have not added it all up and realised how much it would leave you with. He might just have seen it as leaving loads of money behind, most of it to you, and a bit of cash here and there to a few other things. He may well not have said it if he realised it'd add up to so much and leave you with less.

If he cared that much about money going to other places he would have put it in his will. But he didn't, he left it to you. Because he wanted you to have it. The other stuff sounds like nice extras, not something you should do at expense to yourself and your family.

Give a small donation to charities if you don't want..£100 each. Forget about the siblings they've had loads.

Crumbs! Well, it certainly wasn't Aviva!

If you are his only child, it should all come too you. Don't give any more away. Why was he giving to his siblings? Did they not get anything from their parents?

I would give the money to the charities because that is less than 10% of the total that you will receive. I would not give anything else to his siblings. Your father already handled that.

I am sorry for your loss and would agree that you should do nothing in haste while you are in the first stages of grief. If nothing is specified in the will about the charities do not pay them anything, your father obviously thought he had more money than he actually did and would want you and your son to have it first. Likewise he would probably not have given so much to his siblings. The trouble with speciifying the amounts of gifts is that that will be paid first and there may not be as much left over for the main beneficiary as expected.

Depends how much you respect your dad. The money for the charities and his friends might not have been in his will so not legally binding - but he wanted them to have some of his money. You've decided you'd rather keep it yourself. Perfectly legal but to me it seems tantamount to theft.

How do you work that out

The father didn’t understand that he didn’t have all this money to give away and wasted tens of thousands of pounds buying Josh and selling low and giving money to anyone who wanted it
Op has followed in her fathers footsteps and given away tens of thousands to her fathers siblings not realising how little there was left to pay for all the bills to keep the house going

If the father had truly wanted to give to charities he would have put it in his will

That's one way of looking at it. Her father's mismanagement of finances is from the OP's perspective, as he spaffed away money intended for her. But it was his money to do with what he wanted, and it's entirely possible that he intended the money to be spent as it was, even if that seems irresponsible from the OP's perspective. She's not been left penniless. She has £160000 from the sale of the house - the lion's share of her father's estate.

It seems a bit of a reach to say that he didn't have the mental clarity to know what he was doing with his finances, but that he should have had the mental capacity to write the charities into his will.

The OP hasn't given away tens of thousands to the siblings - that was what her father wanted to do with his money and the OP honoured that. I wouldn't give th any more money though. They've had what her father wanted them to have and the additional proposed donation wasn't his expressed wish. But I would honour his wish to give to the charities even if it wasn't written in his will. It's clearly what he wanted if that's what he said, and it's the OP's opinion that he wouldn't have wanted that if only he'd managed his finances according to what others would consider appropriate.

It's not the legal position - that's whatever's written in his will of course - but for me it's morally the right thing to do, even if it leaves the OP with a smaller share of the estate (but still the lion's share). Honouring his wishes would be the last thing she would ever do for him. Or dishonouring his wishes would be the last thing she would ever do for him.

Absolutely not. Theyve benefitted enough. They shouldn't need a monetary gift for helping to sort his house out. Whats your husband's thought process on this, are you well off?

Why would you assume she hasn't got probate, the house has been valued and put up for sale, and her dad died last year? It sounds like probate has already been granted and she is sorting out the finances now, starting with the siblings, which is £20,000 each, not £60,000 each like people seem to be assuming:

My toddler who was my dads whole world wasn’t left anything officially in the will but I am intending on giving at least £20k of my money like he left each of his siblings which will go into their savings.

Once probate is granted, money in accounts can be transferred by the executor (and paid out accordingly), and to be honest banks will release a certain amount of money without probate anyway as long as you have the death certificate, a copy of the ID and relevant ID for yourself, most the big ones do £50,000 without probate.

Her father left everything in his will to OP, no legacies for charities, no mention of friends or family, that was all verbal instructions he gave to OP, she has carried out his wishes with regards to his siblings, but is questioning whether she should give the other £15,000 to friends and charities like he asked her to, legally everything is hers.

The first point you raise is the money to siblings. In the ops opening paragraphs they say iv paid the siblings 60k the agreed amount.

Second point when giving advice one should never assume anything.

Third point there is no mention of what the will states so again an assumption is being made as to the benefits any charity is entitled to.

4th point to consider is the OPs situation in terms of gifting her children the money. That is a personal choice and one that makes not jot of difference within the eyes of what the op should do. It only becomes an issue should the OP need to go into care, or claims certain benefits or god forbids was to die within the next 7 years.

You seem to know more ahout this situation than the OP as told us in this post and therefore ill bow to your understanding. If everything is a verbal wish her late father gave her then there is no legal requirement for any of the money to be paid to anyone and she should make all decisions based on how she believes her father would want.

The OP says in her second post that the Will leaves everything to her.

the siblings have had a generous amount - why would you give them more?
If the friends and charities were named as beneficiaries in the will, then they should be paid, even though that reduces what remains for you as the residual beneficiary.
Agree with the PP that you should have waited for the whole thing to be sorted before paying out cash to the siblings.
Why not get a book from the library on handling probate?

Local councils hold the authority to release properties from the council tax which are not occupied or are ‘substantially empty’. After the owner’s death, the local authorities usually exempt the property from council tax.

If there are other utilities - let the utility providers know that the bill holder has died and the house is empty - are they estimating bills on expected usage?

Defo lock down on siblings now. They’ve had enough and didn’t appreciate it.
charity you may like to follow your dads preference.

ok why dont you do it differently
Give nothing to charity as that will only fund some fat headed charity directors range Rover or jaguar .
why not set up a family trust fund ,with you as the main beneficiary and dribbleing down to your husband and children if any . thus assuming you live longer than the next 7 years .the taxman gets nothing .
you need proper advise on this to be frank. but consider it and seek the correct advise

@Pupinskipops OP says the will said entire estate to her. He then in later months mentioned giving gifts here or there out of the money into his accounts to various people. OP honoured the gifts to siblings and had £1000 left in his account. Therefore she can't actually split a further 15k between various people and charities. Which leads me to believe he hadn't totally added all the sums up as he thought he could do this out of that money. But he couldn't. That is not to suggest he didn't have mental capacity. My own dad was a clever man and definitely had capacity until the end of his life. However, he didn't have a great head for finances. Some people just don't.

Sounds like he thought there was more in that account than there was. But as there wasn't I think that's fine. Maybe a token gesture to the charities .

That's only worth doing if the estate is likely to be substantially over the IHT threshold. It doesn't sound like OP and her late father are in that kind of bracket.

But no, I wouldn't be rushing to give anything to charity. I guess it would depend which charity tho. Local hospice I might consider it. RSPCA I wouldn't entertain it.

But there's also the £160,000 she'll get when the house is sold. The OP is asking whether it's reasonable to want to keep more of her inheritance, so there's clearly also a question over whether she should accede to her father's expressed wishes. She wouldn't be asking the question if she didn't think it was going against what her father wanted.

It's not unusual for people to have second thoughts about passing on their estate as they near the end of their life. It's just speculation that he didn't know what he was doing. Once the house is sold there would be sufficient funds to cover his wishes and still leave the lion's share to his daughter. There's nothing to say that isn't exactly what he intended, fully aware of the financial implications.

Ur husband has some cheek! Why on earth would you pay them in the thousands for clearing the house when they got £20k inheritance already, that’s the least they should do. Ur idea of buying them afternoon tea is great, but really you don’t need to do anytung to thank them, they’ve done what’s necessary as they got inheritance from him.
if you don’t want to give to charities, then don’t, or just give a small amount, most of these charities profit from donations so id rather use the money to personally help peoples lives than give to those charities.

So sorry for your loss.

Christ no, you are most definitely NOT being unreasonable. The relatives have had their whack, now it's time to think of you and your family's future.

Ask your husband this. Does he think your relatives would help with all the incidental payments you are having to make until probate is finalised? My answer would be a firm NO. It would be interesting to hear his thoughts! Anyway, since they've already had top dollar, I shouldn't have thought they'd be looking for handouts for helping to clear the house.

As for charities, if it's not in the will you are under no obligation to donate anything, so entirely up to you should you wish to do so.

NB: I've seen some good advice in some of the responses re contacting utility companies.

yes, 60k to the siblings, total, 20k each, we know that because she mentions that she wants to gift her child £20k "the same as each of the siblings got" and also that he first wanted to gift them "£15k between them, but then upped it to £60k"

She also says twice in her posts that the will leaves everything to her.

His will officially just left everything to me

No the will only states all funds from the full estate (house, van and cash in accounts) comes to me.

Nothing is being assumed here, aside from probate, she says it all in her posts, so you telling her she is doing things wrong isn't very helpful when you haven't even read what she wrote, her father made his wishes clear but legally she is the sole heir of his estate.

@Pupinskipops OP said he said about giving some of the money left in his account to various people. That's what suggests he didn't know exactly what was in the account as clearly it didn't add up to what he thought it did. Surely if he wanted OP to pay all of the money in his account out to others then pay yet others with some of the proceeds of the sale of his house he would have said so.

Ultimately we don't know exactly what was said. But I think if the conversation was about "how I'd like the money in my bank account shared out" rather than "how I want to distribute my estate" then it can't be shared further than it was.

Ultimately people make a will for a reason, so there's a proper record of what they actually want to happen for the avoidance of doubt.

But there isn't avoidance of doubt, clearly. He changed his mind in the last few months of his life when, presumably, he was quite ill. He might have regarded telling his daughter of his wishes as sufficient. If it was that clear cut the OP wouldn't be asking the question.

You already said it yourself. Your dad was not great with finances after your mom passed away. Now his will has instructions to give give give all this money in a way that may not be appropriate. Remember the estate after being split up is a portion yours, and a portion the siblings. Divide that out into the years you have remaining (just assume you'll live to 100). That's the annual gift your dad is giving.

You say the siblings spent their inheritance? That's their choice, but I would recommend not spending it faster then the annual allowance you're expected. If your dad was better with finances he may have turned it into a trust fund to slowly pay out inheritance over time and to generate income.

A large sum of money is often treated like winning the lottery, and stats say that people who win the lottery are often right back where they started (or even worse off) 1 year later. Take some responsibility and you will do well in the long run.