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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give anymore of my inheritance away and look after my own family?

278 replies

MamaByTheOcean · 21/04/2025 18:34

Sorry if this is a long one! Just wanting a bit of a sense check as I’m AuDHD and don’t always understand what is right to do in social situations.

I sadly lost my dad to cancer last year. I also lost my mum a few years ago suddenly and I don’t have any siblings so I have inherited all his estate and am currently dealing with things. He was quite silly with spending decisions after we lost my mum as he’d never really dealt with finances and definitely was undiagnosed on the spectrum so their decent estate dwindled a lot (about half of what he had when she died) even with me trying to help and guide him.

He always reassured me he’d leave me his small bungalow and campervan but decided to sell the camper for a lot under market value (about 40% of the £90k paid for it a year before) when he was poorly so I didn’t have to deal with it. He also decided in his last couple months to gift his 3 siblings £60k after originally deciding on £15k for all 3 previously.

Once I started sorting his finances I paid the siblings the £60k agreed and he had less than £1000 left in his accounts which just about covered the money due for the funeral on top of his funeral plan. His will officially just left everything to me but he had expressed some wishes to me to pay approx £15k to a few charities and friends from this money in his account but there isn’t enough left. My toddler who was my dads whole world wasn’t left anything officially in the will but I am intending on giving at least £20k of my money like he left each of his siblings which will go into their savings.

Im paying £250 a month for the utilities on the property whilst waiting for a sale to go through and had to pay for insurance etc on it which is a real struggle for me at the moment as I have my own house and nursery bills etc on a part time wage so I’m having to use some of the van money. Meanwhile my dad’s siblings have bought a brand new car and been on expensive holidays with the money they’ve got. Two of them have already spent all of it in the few months since he died.

once the house is sold I’ll be left with about £160k after all fees etc. I’m really reluctant to pay the charities as I want to make sure I have a safety net for my family with the money my dad wanted me to have but I feel so guilty not paying it as per his wishes.

On top of that my husband also suggested today to gift my dads siblings a few grand holiday to thank them for helping clear the house and clean it ready for sale which I feel is a bit of a joke when they’ve already spent the large chunk of money i already gave them whilst I’m struggling month to month at the minute. I was thinking of buying them a nice afternoon tea for them all but not thousands of pounds.

just not sure if I’m being unreasonable as I’m just trying to make sure I have a bit of security for my little family and my child especially.

OP posts:
MusicMakesItAllBetter · 23/04/2025 16:51

Don't give the siblings anything more.
They've had their £60k each!
You don't need to gift them anything for helping clear the house. He was their brother, it was lovely of them to help but they don't need paying for their time and you don't need to show more gratitude than you've already expressed (no doubt).

Honour your dad's wishes and give some money to the chosen charities he spoke of. Not a lot but just so you won't have the guilt of not giving hanging over your head.

Absolutely save some money for the future but enjoy it if you can.
Your DDad wants that!!

daleylama · 24/04/2025 22:23

CarolinaWren · 22/04/2025 19:39

I’m in the US, so maybe things are different there, but here the executor doesn’t give beneficiaries their inheritance until everything else has been done with regard to the estate settlement. Sell property or other belongings, pay for the funeral, all outstanding bills and taxes and reimburse the executor for their out-of-pocket expenses. It’s also normal for the executor to be paid a fee for their services out of the estate. If the deceased did not leave enough money to cover all the bequests, obviously you can’t leave them as much as the will states. Generally the remaining assets are divided proportionally, such as each beneficiary receives 50% of what they were promised.

its common sense and should be everyone's approach in the same situation. OP has been naive in her generosity. Hope it doesn't come back to bite her

Marieb19 · 26/04/2025 18:18

It sounds like your father was not at all financially responsible when he died and probably didn't grasp how depleted the estate was. To leave money to siblings but not his grandchild is hard to comprehend. The money is yours. You do not have to make donations to charities and I think his siblings have done well enough to pay for their own holidays. It is tooooo easy to give money away, you need to plan for your future.

jsy44 · 26/04/2025 18:20

Sorry for your loss. I don't feel the siblings need any more. However I would fulfill your father's wishes regarding charities and friends. You will still have around 145k to secure your own future. I'd feel very guilty not carrying out someone's specific instructions.

Audiprettier · 26/04/2025 18:24

loveev · 21/04/2025 18:40

keep the money , we're the charities mentioned within his Will? I say this because once probate was granted for my in-laws we had letters from the charities sending their condolences, basically a reminder for us from them we know we're left something in the Will .

Shocked to read about charities sending "condolences" ref an incoming donation!
Brutal...& rude!
Whoever thought up that little nugget (customer services) should be ashamed of themselves!!

heirhuntingrob · 26/04/2025 18:34

MamaByTheOcean · 21/04/2025 18:34

Sorry if this is a long one! Just wanting a bit of a sense check as I’m AuDHD and don’t always understand what is right to do in social situations.

I sadly lost my dad to cancer last year. I also lost my mum a few years ago suddenly and I don’t have any siblings so I have inherited all his estate and am currently dealing with things. He was quite silly with spending decisions after we lost my mum as he’d never really dealt with finances and definitely was undiagnosed on the spectrum so their decent estate dwindled a lot (about half of what he had when she died) even with me trying to help and guide him.

He always reassured me he’d leave me his small bungalow and campervan but decided to sell the camper for a lot under market value (about 40% of the £90k paid for it a year before) when he was poorly so I didn’t have to deal with it. He also decided in his last couple months to gift his 3 siblings £60k after originally deciding on £15k for all 3 previously.

Once I started sorting his finances I paid the siblings the £60k agreed and he had less than £1000 left in his accounts which just about covered the money due for the funeral on top of his funeral plan. His will officially just left everything to me but he had expressed some wishes to me to pay approx £15k to a few charities and friends from this money in his account but there isn’t enough left. My toddler who was my dads whole world wasn’t left anything officially in the will but I am intending on giving at least £20k of my money like he left each of his siblings which will go into their savings.

Im paying £250 a month for the utilities on the property whilst waiting for a sale to go through and had to pay for insurance etc on it which is a real struggle for me at the moment as I have my own house and nursery bills etc on a part time wage so I’m having to use some of the van money. Meanwhile my dad’s siblings have bought a brand new car and been on expensive holidays with the money they’ve got. Two of them have already spent all of it in the few months since he died.

once the house is sold I’ll be left with about £160k after all fees etc. I’m really reluctant to pay the charities as I want to make sure I have a safety net for my family with the money my dad wanted me to have but I feel so guilty not paying it as per his wishes.

On top of that my husband also suggested today to gift my dads siblings a few grand holiday to thank them for helping clear the house and clean it ready for sale which I feel is a bit of a joke when they’ve already spent the large chunk of money i already gave them whilst I’m struggling month to month at the minute. I was thinking of buying them a nice afternoon tea for them all but not thousands of pounds.

just not sure if I’m being unreasonable as I’m just trying to make sure I have a bit of security for my little family and my child especially.

Alas you have some major issues here. You have a will which means you have to apply for probate if you already havent. You say you have made some sizeable payments already if you haven't obtained probate then you shouldnt have. However that's not the problem.

Yoy state your father left legacies to charities with an amount for each. Unfortunately unless there isnt money in the estate to pay the charities you as executor of the will have no choice but to pay the said legacies.

Id seek legal advice as a matter of urgency because charities will be very quick to pursue any monies left them in a will. They get informed of donations in wills. I think although am not certain this is during the probate stage.

So dont get probate some will say. Alas you wont be able to sell the house if you dont. Remember the camper he sold will form a part of the estate and will form a part of the estate value. I hope for your sake that the estate is not worth more than 325k (650k if your father didnt use your mothers allowance of 325k)

As I say obtain legal advice as soon as

Rob

Audiprettier · 26/04/2025 18:35

2 of 2...
So sorry for you loss, & as op said, I'd hang fire on doing anything for a while regarding giving out money.
I feel the siblings have had their share and I know your father would want you (& your son) to be the main beneficiary. Grief is hard, but so is life!

heirhuntingrob · 26/04/2025 18:38

A further point is if you havent got probate how did you access the funds to pay his siblings? If you didnt tell the bank he had died and just went into his account then you have also broken the law as the money is not yours. Any permissions he gave you prior to death end the minute he died.

Whammyyammy · 26/04/2025 18:40

Keep the money. Paying charities is just paying the charities CEO salary, company cars etv

IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta · 26/04/2025 18:42

Audiprettier · 26/04/2025 18:24

Shocked to read about charities sending "condolences" ref an incoming donation!
Brutal...& rude!
Whoever thought up that little nugget (customer services) should be ashamed of themselves!!

Show quote history

Yep, they're all nicey-nicey about it before you sign up, but once you have done, they're very hard-nosed.

They add it to their projected balance sheet - probably also checking your age now and your life expectancy, so they have some idea of how long they'll have to wait and can actively track it. Effectively, you are holding on to THEIR money and are keeping it from them by audaciously continuing to live. They view you as a financial investment and look forward to when it pays off and boosts their bottom line.

It's not just condolences cards when they discover that you have died; some also send Christmas cards each year to elderly folk who've made decent bequests in the hope that, before too long, one will be returned as 'addressee deceased' or that a bereaved family member will open it and then let them know.

There are also companies - which the big charities pay to subscribe to - whose sole purpose is to forensically scrape all the death notices and match them up with any charity bequests that they have on record for the deceased, in order to notify the charities so that they can get in there ASAP (likely the trigger for the condolences card).

For you, it's a benevolent gesture; but for the charities of any decent size, once you've signed up, it's cold hard business.

heirhuntingrob · 26/04/2025 18:47

I havent read all the replies but many people replying have given incorrect information. Probate is a minefield to deal with. A will is a legal document and once proved through probate an executor is bound to settle all debts owed and all credits owed to the deceased called in. The executor is then legally required to fulfill the wishes in the will where gifts can be given. So if the will says 1 i give 20k to my son and there is 21k in the residuary estate he gets 20k. Gift 2 says i give my daughter 20k sorry she gets 1k as thats all thats left. Of course this changes if the will specifies what happens if there is insufficient monies to pay the 2 gifts. This is why any decent solicitor will always put charities at the end of a will and most will clause it in such a way that if there are insufficient funds charities get none.

WearyAuldWumman · 26/04/2025 18:48

heirhuntingrob · 26/04/2025 18:38

A further point is if you havent got probate how did you access the funds to pay his siblings? If you didnt tell the bank he had died and just went into his account then you have also broken the law as the money is not yours. Any permissions he gave you prior to death end the minute he died.

When my husband died, I was executor and had immediate access to all accounts where probate/confirmation was not required.

I had expected that I would need confirmation/probate for everything, but this turned out not to be the case. I was able to receive the cheque for his life insurance policy - only around 5k - by return of post and was given immediate access to his current account by the bank: I only needed the will, the death certificate, our marriage certificate and my passport.

WearyAuldWumman · 26/04/2025 18:49

IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta · 26/04/2025 18:42

Yep, they're all nicey-nicey about it before you sign up, but once you have done, they're very hard-nosed.

They add it to their projected balance sheet - probably also checking your age now and your life expectancy, so they have some idea of how long they'll have to wait and can actively track it. Effectively, you are holding on to THEIR money and are keeping it from them by audaciously continuing to live. They view you as a financial investment and look forward to when it pays off and boosts their bottom line.

It's not just condolences cards when they discover that you have died; some also send Christmas cards each year to elderly folk who've made decent bequests in the hope that, before too long, one will be returned as 'addressee deceased' or that a bereaved family member will open it and then let them know.

There are also companies - which the big charities pay to subscribe to - whose sole purpose is to forensically scrape all the death notices and match them up with any charity bequests that they have on record for the deceased, in order to notify the charities so that they can get in there ASAP (likely the trigger for the condolences card).

For you, it's a benevolent gesture; but for the charities of any decent size, once you've signed up, it's cold hard business.

Edited
Show quote history

Partly for this reason, I've actually stopped my direct debits to some charities and have zero intention of leaving money to any charity in my will.

TheGodlyGirl · 26/04/2025 18:50

Defo lock down on siblings now. They’ve had enough and didn’t appreciate it.
charity you may like to follow your dads preference.

Audiprettier · 26/04/2025 18:51

IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta · 26/04/2025 18:42

Yep, they're all nicey-nicey about it before you sign up, but once you have done, they're very hard-nosed.

They add it to their projected balance sheet - probably also checking your age now and your life expectancy, so they have some idea of how long they'll have to wait and can actively track it. Effectively, you are holding on to THEIR money and are keeping it from them by audaciously continuing to live. They view you as a financial investment and look forward to when it pays off and boosts their bottom line.

It's not just condolences cards when they discover that you have died; some also send Christmas cards each year to elderly folk who've made decent bequests in the hope that, before too long, one will be returned as 'addressee deceased' or that a bereaved family member will open it and then let them know.

There are also companies - which the big charities pay to subscribe to - whose sole purpose is to forensically scrape all the death notices and match them up with any charity bequests that they have on record for the deceased, in order to notify the charities so that they can get in there ASAP (likely the trigger for the condolences card).

For you, it's a benevolent gesture; but for the charities of any decent size, once you've signed up, it's cold hard business.

Edited
Show quote history

Leaves me with a warm glow... NOT! 😡

heirhuntingrob · 26/04/2025 18:51

WearyAuldWumman · 26/04/2025 18:48

When my husband died, I was executor and had immediate access to all accounts where probate/confirmation was not required.

I had expected that I would need confirmation/probate for everything, but this turned out not to be the case. I was able to receive the cheque for his life insurance policy - only around 5k - by return of post and was given immediate access to his current account by the bank: I only needed the will, the death certificate, our marriage certificate and my passport.

Show quote history

Yes but youre talking about less than 15k i am assuming. This person is not. She gave 180k and i can assure you no bank will release that sort of money without probate unless they were not told the deceased had died. Technically probate should be required at 5000 pounds but banks now rarely require it for under 15k. The op will also need it to sell the house or to change the name on the deeds to herself should she so wish to do so.

heirhuntingrob · 26/04/2025 18:53

The other reason for not requiring probate for the bank accounts is you have a joint account. Life insurance is usually taken out with the beneficiary on death named. This is how my mum as her life insurance and how i have mine etc.

WearyAuldWumman · 26/04/2025 18:54

Audiprettier · 26/04/2025 18:51

Leaves me with a warm glow... NOT! 😡

Show quote history

I'm also pissed off at the number of requests for money that I'm getting from charities that I've never signed up for. Clearly, some of the charities that I've helped in the past have sold on my details.

I'm mindful of the story of the elderly lady who took her own life when she ran out of money because she felt that she had to keep giving money to every charity that asked. I now tear up all requests for money - I simply can't afford to give any more.

WearyAuldWumman · 26/04/2025 18:57

heirhuntingrob · 26/04/2025 18:51

Yes but youre talking about less than 15k i am assuming. This person is not. She gave 180k and i can assure you no bank will release that sort of money without probate unless they were not told the deceased had died. Technically probate should be required at 5000 pounds but banks now rarely require it for under 15k. The op will also need it to sell the house or to change the name on the deeds to herself should she so wish to do so.

Show quote history

No. It wasn't nearly as much as 180k in one account, but it was a good bit more than 15k - though that is approximately what was left once I'd paid for funeral expenses and had sent off cheques to beneficiaries.

heirhuntingrob · 26/04/2025 18:58

daleylama · 24/04/2025 22:23

its common sense and should be everyone's approach in the same situation. OP has been naive in her generosity. Hope it doesn't come back to bite her

Show quote history

Not sure how to quote a quote but in the UK executors can only claim out of pocket expenses unless they are a law firm accountant or other professional body where they can claim a reasonable amount in time spent carrying out the duties of an executor. However the rest this person said is exactly how it should be done anywhere.

WearyAuldWumman · 26/04/2025 18:58

heirhuntingrob · 26/04/2025 18:53

The other reason for not requiring probate for the bank accounts is you have a joint account. Life insurance is usually taken out with the beneficiary on death named. This is how my mum as her life insurance and how i have mine etc.

DH and I had separate accounts.

heirhuntingrob · 26/04/2025 19:00

WearyAuldWumman · 26/04/2025 18:57

No. It wasn't nearly as much as 180k in one account, but it was a good bit more than 15k - though that is approximately what was left once I'd paid for funeral expenses and had sent off cheques to beneficiaries.

Show quote history

Then the bank would have normally required probate unless the account was a joint account. Thats surprised me though. You should see the issues we have obtaining monies from accounts when trying to settle intestate accounts that we have been granted admon for

Rob

MonsteraDelicious · 26/04/2025 19:00

MamaByTheOcean · 21/04/2025 18:34

Sorry if this is a long one! Just wanting a bit of a sense check as I’m AuDHD and don’t always understand what is right to do in social situations.

I sadly lost my dad to cancer last year. I also lost my mum a few years ago suddenly and I don’t have any siblings so I have inherited all his estate and am currently dealing with things. He was quite silly with spending decisions after we lost my mum as he’d never really dealt with finances and definitely was undiagnosed on the spectrum so their decent estate dwindled a lot (about half of what he had when she died) even with me trying to help and guide him.

He always reassured me he’d leave me his small bungalow and campervan but decided to sell the camper for a lot under market value (about 40% of the £90k paid for it a year before) when he was poorly so I didn’t have to deal with it. He also decided in his last couple months to gift his 3 siblings £60k after originally deciding on £15k for all 3 previously.

Once I started sorting his finances I paid the siblings the £60k agreed and he had less than £1000 left in his accounts which just about covered the money due for the funeral on top of his funeral plan. His will officially just left everything to me but he had expressed some wishes to me to pay approx £15k to a few charities and friends from this money in his account but there isn’t enough left. My toddler who was my dads whole world wasn’t left anything officially in the will but I am intending on giving at least £20k of my money like he left each of his siblings which will go into their savings.

Im paying £250 a month for the utilities on the property whilst waiting for a sale to go through and had to pay for insurance etc on it which is a real struggle for me at the moment as I have my own house and nursery bills etc on a part time wage so I’m having to use some of the van money. Meanwhile my dad’s siblings have bought a brand new car and been on expensive holidays with the money they’ve got. Two of them have already spent all of it in the few months since he died.

once the house is sold I’ll be left with about £160k after all fees etc. I’m really reluctant to pay the charities as I want to make sure I have a safety net for my family with the money my dad wanted me to have but I feel so guilty not paying it as per his wishes.

On top of that my husband also suggested today to gift my dads siblings a few grand holiday to thank them for helping clear the house and clean it ready for sale which I feel is a bit of a joke when they’ve already spent the large chunk of money i already gave them whilst I’m struggling month to month at the minute. I was thinking of buying them a nice afternoon tea for them all but not thousands of pounds.

just not sure if I’m being unreasonable as I’m just trying to make sure I have a bit of security for my little family and my child especially.

Keep it.

You have children and if you are wise with the money you can grow it so that your family can really benefit and you have something to leave them.

I don't know why your DH would suggest giving money to his siblings who already were gifted loads. I doubt their children will be giving you 60k when they die!

Don't let the money burn a hole in your pocket. I'd suggest something like an ISA until you decide how to invest the money wisely for you and your children's future.

WearyAuldWumman · 26/04/2025 19:02

heirhuntingrob · 26/04/2025 19:00

Then the bank would have normally required probate unless the account was a joint account. Thats surprised me though. You should see the issues we have obtaining monies from accounts when trying to settle intestate accounts that we have been granted admon for

Rob

Show quote history

I was surprised as well, based on previous experience.

ETA The whole estate was well below IHT threshold.

Lizahartiga · 26/04/2025 19:03

I think you should definitely not give his siblings another penny when we lost my brother my mum gifted us 5000 out of his insurance policy the rest went in trust for his kids I didn’t want it but she insisted so I spent it on my 2 kids and bought things that would last so they had a memory of him they've already had plenty of him and it would appear they didn't use the money to do things with him. They've had enough time to look after you and your baby. As for your husband I can guarantee he wouldn't be throwing his money around like this