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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think a man who needs you to “build with him” has no business dating?

175 replies

WittyOchreSwan · 21/04/2025 16:14

Build with your therapist and financial advisor, not me.

OP posts:
Original poster
WittyOchreSwan · 21/04/2025 18:02

Offwegotomarket · 21/04/2025 17:56

Are you talking about the type of men who seem a bit feckless when you meet him, but you give them a chance. Paying for driving lessons and clothes helping with cv etc to improve his potential, only for him to bugger off to someone he thinks is better than you when you help them achieve their goals ?

Same energy as giving the ugly bloke a chance only for him to get a big head and start treating you like the ugly ducking ?

Yes, exactly that. The kind of man who sees you as a rehab centre, not a partner. You invest, support, uplift and once he’s levelled up, you’re suddenly not ‘enough’ anymore. Same energy as the ugly duckling syndrome.

OP posts:
IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 21/04/2025 18:03

Offwegotomarket · 21/04/2025 18:01

If you’re referring to me I’m long term single by choice thank you very much.

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Unless you're name changing, no.

Did you start a thread talking about how you should never move in with a man unless he is paying the majority of the bills?

DBSFstupid · 21/04/2025 18:04

outerspacepotato · 21/04/2025 16:40

Build a bear?

😂

Offwegotomarket · 21/04/2025 18:04

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 21/04/2025 18:03

Unless you're name changing, no.

Did you start a thread talking about how you should never move in with a man unless he is paying the majority of the bills?

Show quote history

My apologies, you commented under my post without an @

Needmorelego · 21/04/2025 18:05

So basically you're worried about being dumped in the future.
That could happen for 1001 reasons.
You shouldn't avoid relationships because of "what if......" because otherwise you will be alone forever.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 21/04/2025 18:06

Offwegotomarket · 21/04/2025 18:04

My apologies, you commented under my post without an @

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I was referring to the OP in general, didn't require an @ and wasn't anything to do with any other posters.

SoSoLong · 21/04/2025 18:06

I, for one, am incredibly disappointed. Here I was settling down for my daily dose of tradwife bullshit, but this thread doesn't offer half the batshittery of the others. Waste of popcorn.

MrsSunshine2b · 21/04/2025 18:07

WittyOchreSwan · 21/04/2025 18:02

Yes, exactly that. The kind of man who sees you as a rehab centre, not a partner. You invest, support, uplift and once he’s levelled up, you’re suddenly not ‘enough’ anymore. Same energy as the ugly duckling syndrome.

Show quote history

Yes, those men definitely exist.

There's also men (and women) who are looking to build businesses or big careers and are at the start of that plan and are being honest that they don't have much to offer right now but intend to.

I know couples who started off with nothing and struggled and became millionaires after building together.

SleeplessInWherever · 21/04/2025 18:07

My advice would be to build something.

You can tell a lot about a person by their ability (and temperament) when building a flat pack!

OhWhistle · 21/04/2025 18:08

Does he have half a chance at becoming Caesar

I'd build with him

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 21/04/2025 18:10

WittyOchreSwan · 21/04/2025 17:59

There’s a difference between building a life with someone and being expected to build him while he gets himself together. I’m not against partnership - I’m against being someone’s stepping stone. Big difference.

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DH and I both had nothing when we met, I was at uni, he was just made redundant. Neither of us had our shit together.

If either of us had taken this approach of not dating someone who needed to "build", we'd have missed something amazing.

Offwegotomarket · 21/04/2025 18:11

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 21/04/2025 18:06

I was referring to the OP in general, didn't require an @ and wasn't anything to do with any other posters.

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You started your post with “this poster and the op” that’s why I was confused.

DBSFstupid · 21/04/2025 18:11

WooleyMunky · 21/04/2025 17:07

If that had been a thing in the 80s I would have welded my vagina shut.

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😂

DBSFstupid · 21/04/2025 18:16

gamerchick · 21/04/2025 16:50

Yeah something like that. Therapists are not mainstream really, it's weird when it's brought up like having a therapist is a normal thing.

So much navel gazing goes on now, it's tiresum.

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It's very West Coast. I just switch off.

daisychain01 · 21/04/2025 18:18

You seem to meet an awful lot of useless men if it's getting to you this much.

CanYouTurnItDown · 21/04/2025 18:20

@WittyOchreSwan you do you, there is absolutely no need to preach to people about your revelation. Unless I’m missing something?

MNHQ
BeckyAMumsnet · 21/04/2025 18:21

🤔

Calling · 21/04/2025 18:24

Is it some sort of Andrew Tate trend? 🤔

LazyArsedMagician · 21/04/2025 18:26

I don't know why you're getting so many snidey comments @WittyOchreSwan - it's said all the time that women aren't here to "fix" men's problems. Sure I'm not a fan of the therapy-speak, but it's all the same thing?!

PontiacFirebird · 21/04/2025 18:28

I’d really like to date a builder. My house needs so much doing.

DBSFstupid · 21/04/2025 18:28

🎤'Bob the builder, can he fix it?'😁

vodkaredbullgirl · 21/04/2025 18:32

DBSFstupid · 21/04/2025 18:28

🎤'Bob the builder, can he fix it?'😁

Yes he can 😂

WinterBones · 21/04/2025 18:36

are people stupid.. i knew exactly what you meant,

not sure why people are being so horrible about talking about it either.

IMHO, if you meet someone where you're at and chose to build a life together while also individually growing and maturing.. fine... but meeting a guy who is so far behind where you're at in life and funding/supporting them through catching you up? Nah.. i don't have time for that any more.

Calling · 21/04/2025 18:37

vodkaredbullgirl · 21/04/2025 18:32

Yes he can 😂

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You found a builder!

SwirlingAroundSleep · 21/04/2025 18:40

WittyOchreSwan · 21/04/2025 18:02

Yes, exactly that. The kind of man who sees you as a rehab centre, not a partner. You invest, support, uplift and once he’s levelled up, you’re suddenly not ‘enough’ anymore. Same energy as the ugly duckling syndrome.

Show quote history

I would say two things

  1. that was dating in my 20s. I had a lot of fun but these guys were never going to be the one I married. In fact the one I did date who was more sensible and had everything together (emotionally and financially) bored me as it was like being Middle Aged in our 20s so I ended things after a few years.

  2. my DP might have fallen into your category in terms of finances (getting divorced with kids and in the midst of a career change that had involved returning to uni to retrain). But actually emotionally and in terms of what I needed from a partner he needed no fixing at all and so I couldn’t have cared less about whether he was the most financially stable man in the world. It’s paid off long term because he’s the most amazing father and partner, pulls his weight around the home and with the kids without any prompting and his wages are steadily increasing. His own business is gaining traction too and he swears one day it will make us millions but I honestly don’t care if it doesn’t. I was and still am more than happy to build with him, but only because his personality didn’t need any building and I love him to pieces for who he is, not finances.