To think a man who needs you to “build with him” has no business dating?

[WittyOchreSwan]

Build with your therapist and financial advisor, not me.

I was having this discussion with my husband yesterday funnily enough.

I had a date with a man shortly before I met DH. He was a nice man, intelligent, funny, and he'd just gone back to working in a supermarket after his business failed. He knew exactly where he'd gone wrong and had every intention of rebuilding, and at a different time in my life I might have gone for it and made his dream my dream and been a cheerleader.

However, the point I was at was that I'd dated a lot of men who were at that "fixer upper" stage, made a lot of sacrifices, and then when they were fixed up they fucked off. Either that or they expected the pattern to continue, with me doing all the emotional labour and tolerating the lack of input from him whilst he was busy "building", rather than being ready to switch things up so that I could chase my own dreams. I wanted someone who was ready now, not someone I had to build.

Having said that, all relationships require building together. My husband and I both had reasonable jobs and lives before we met, but we were living in HMOs and not exactly thriving. Since then, we've both changed careers, taken pay cuts, been unemployed, started again, and the other has had to pick up the slack.

Life can change for anyone - I get that. But there’s a difference between someone who’s already built a foundation and had a setback, and someone who’s never been stable to begin with but still wants a relationship.

If he thinks he is the reincarnation of a Pharaoh that could be problematic though occasionally interesting if he can afford travel

Is he called Bob?

Yes, agree that communication is key and I’m not expecting a paid-off house and perfect pension! But I do expect a level of emotional and financial readiness - someone who’s not looking to “figure things out” through the relationship. Being career-focused is fine - I just don’t want to play the supportive partner role while someone builds, only to be left when he’s finally ‘ready.’ I’ve seen that story too many times.

Yes, I’d be put off by the wording (‘build with me’) but it’s not up to you, OP or anyone else to decide that he shouldn’t be trying to date.

If OP really is really looking for long term DH material prospects, I suspect they are going to be single a rather long time.

I feel like I've seen one of these every day recently 😃

Right well that clears that up then.
I don't know what you want us to say? Other than that's great you think you don't want a boyfriend who might have psychological or financial problems. It's not exactly enlightening for you to share it though. Not many people do.

Ahh so you are focussing soley on money

He might be. Bob does love a vision board and a woman who’ll co-sign the dream.

I’m too old for this shit - ‘build with me’, no thanks I’ve been through the toddler stage twice and I’m over it

Right , good.

Now can you answer the question as to where you heard this "build with me" rubbish? How many men have actually said it to you? Any at all? Or is it something you read from some bullshit lifestyle influencer raking in the money for stating the bleedin' obvious and putting labels on it? Because nobody else seems to know anything about it.

This is one of those cryptic threads where the OP wants us to probe to find out what she means.

😳 wow. And they act all shocked when you're not interested 😂 one of my favourites was Youre clothes would look beautiful....all over my bedroom floor 😒

😆 Where do they get these chat up lines from? Viz!?

So you're not interested in building a life with someone?

Crack on being alone then, whatever makes you happy.

Isn’t that literally what you do with your partner, you build a life together. My therapist has never offered to do this!! Can’t imagine what the bill for that would be!

I get what you mean, I’m 53 and doing OLD dating and yes by this age I expect you to have your shit together. I’m not here to fix you so bye bye

Are you talking about the type of men who seem a bit feckless when you meet him, but you give them a chance. Paying for driving lessons and clothes helping with cv etc to improve his potential, only for him to bugger off to someone he thinks is better than you when you help them achieve their goals ?

Same energy as giving the ugly bloke a chance only for him to get a big head and start treating you like the ugly ducking ?

This poster and the OP who wants someone to pay for everything so she can lead emotionally should get together.

They read identically, except the opposite sentiment.

There’s a difference between building a life with someone and being expected to build him while he gets himself together. I’m not against partnership - I’m against being someone’s stepping stone. Big difference.

Revolutionary thinking there OP, thanks for posting it so that we know what to do now.

If you’re referring to me I’m long term single by choice thank you very much.

Yes...that's where I have been going wrong all these years...Next time I try to chat to a woman I'll ask her to build with me...not.

Sorry but you do build with a partner. You build a relationship. You build each other up. You build a family....