She’s not dd(11)s problem?

[juneisjuly]

Dd(11) was one of two girls from her primary to go to this secondary.
Dd and the other girl (that I’ll call Sarah) weren’t friends in primary, Sarah was basically head girl and was on occasion mean to dd eg would tell tales on her and refer to her as one of the boys excluding her from girl things.

Dd already knew other girls in secondary school from out school groups and quickly made other friends.
It’s seems Sarah hasn’t. Dd did hang out with Sarah for a while and attempt to include her with other friends at lunch and inviting out with them on a couple of occasions.
But says she finds her difficult and says she either doesn’t say anything or is really negative, none of dd’s friends like Sarah or want to include her.

After Christmas dd was called out of class and asked what was going on with her and Sarah, she explained and nothing else came from it.
Dd has never been unpleasant to sarah.

Sarah’s mum messaged me to ask if dd went out over Easter as Sarah was upset to have not done anything. I said that dd has gone out with friends and that I just don’t think her and Sarah are friends, they never were in primary and haven’t clicked now.
She’s said she’s going to have to go to the school as it’s not fair that Sarah is being excluded and the ‘primary school name’ girls should stick together.

I dont think Sarah is dds problem and that she shouldnt have to be friends with Sarah or hang out with her.

AIBU?

Your dd has done nothing wrong.

Sarah’s mum is 100% wrong. X Primary girls don’t have to stick together (very common for everyone to make new friends at secondary). She is angry that Sarah has gone from big fish in a small pond to small fish in a big pond and is projecting because she thought Sarah would be the big fish in a big pond.

Making new friends at secondary school is how it should be - the kids are changing and becoming friends with new people who are changing like them is good for your dd.

Don’t force dd to include Sarah. Sarah needs to adapt to the new pond if she wants friends and it’s not your DD’s job to do that. You don’t want dd becoming a doormat and restricting her own social life in order to make Sarah’s mum happy.

I think that the only thing you did wrong was to reply to Sarah’s mum about going out at Easter. I would have gently said something about them being in different groups and Sarah’s friends possibly being away because it sounds like your reply has solidified the incorrect “Sarah is being excluded” narrative. Sarah and your dd aren’t friends so you don’t owe her replies any more so blocking would be perfectly acceptable.

I would email Head of Year and explain the situation. Dd isn’t excluding anyone - they were never friends in primary because they are very different (I would use this polite phrase with school) and dd is happy with new friends that she’s made at secondary . Sarah needs friendship support from the school and you need the school to explain to Sarah’s mum that Sarah needs to branch out.
The school will know that primary school friendships often end in secondary but can’t act fairly if they don’t know both sides.

She’s said she’s going to have to go to the school as it’s not fair that Sarah is being excluded and the ‘primary school name’ girls should stick together.

So she's talking about being excluded out of school time?

What with that & thinking they should stick together because of X school despite her daughter having bullied yours there is just laughable & I would hope it is seen that way.

As for the mum wanting them to be friends-what does that have to do with anything?

You could equally say that you don't!

I would have a chat to the school as they shouldn’t have put that stress on your daughter.

What your child does and who she is friends with, especially in the holidays, has nothing to do with the other girl. Her mum is being bizarre if she thinks the school will… what? Force your child to hang out with Sarah when not at school? I’d tell her to stop being ridiculous.

No I don’t think it’s an ‘impossible situation’. Describing it as such would make the teachers’ eyes roll.

She will have far bigger challenges than this in life. It needs just calmly dealing with by her parent and school. The other girls knew kids needs some support from pastoral. End of.

Furious? 😂😂😂

A teacher spoke to your dd about something? No wonder we have issues with behaviour in schools if parents over react so ridiculously to everything.

Yes furious.
Why is her daughter being pulled out of class to be quizzed on something that is on the back of another parents complaint?

Why wasn't the OP called and asked first.
The OP could have very quickly have clarified the situation.

Sarah's mother is using the school as a tool against the OP's child.

I would be furious with the school for allowing itself to be used and pulling my daughter out mid class.

When the school wanted information they should be mindful of how they go about it.

In my day if you were called to the office mid class it would be deemed as very serious.

Sarah's mother has used the school once and has now threatened to use it again against OPs child.
She's a CF.

She needs firmly putting back in her place and the school needs to be told by the OP that she will not tolerate her child being harrassed by the school on the direction of Sarah's mother.

I had something similar with my son. Him and another lad didn't get on in primary, lots of arguments from both sides. Roll on secondary and the school tried to force them together cause the other lad hadn't made any friends. I went to the school, explained the situation and said they were both better off not being involved with each other. Few months later, my son had his friends and other lad had his own group. By 3rd year, they weren't best buddies but they spoke to each other occasionally. By 6th year they were friends and would hang out occasionally, still do 3 years after finishing school.

Don't let the school force a friendship, kids will and do find their own way through secondary.

Your daughter has been been kind and should continue to be her lovely self. But she is not Sarah’s minder or agent. She tried. And it is okay to not love everyone as long as you maintain decent basic behaviour and don’t turn into the the bully whitch from hell. Yes Sarah’s Mum should speak to the school. Maybe teachers can pair her intentionally for work with kids she might get on with. But it is not your child’s job to make sure Sarah looked after. It’s difficult enough to deal with your own world at this age. Never mind sorting the social life of another kid out. Speak to her. Explain that you are proud that she is considerate but she is not responsible for any of her peers. Unless she wants to she doesn’t need to do anything.

Furious? 😂😂😂
A teacher spoke to your dd about something? No wonder we have issues with behaviour in schools if parents over react so ridiculously to everything.

Many secondary school kids would be mortified to be called out of class and annoyed to have to field the whys later. They would rather stay under the radar and not attract that kind of attention.

OP isn’t unreasonable to be annoyed with Sarah’s mum for making this into a massive deal. She is clearly pissed off that OP’s dd has settled well and made friends. Calling it exclusion is ridiculous.

When a child is accused or implicated, they are always spoken to about it.

The other child will have been spoken to about it too. This is always done in a supportive, non accusatory way to establish the other side of the story. Otherwise, how on earth do you expect the teacher to have any understanding of what has gone on? Or what needs to be done?

There's no way, if a parent or child has complained about another child, that their parent would be called without that child having been spoken to. How on earth would the parent know anything? And its incredibly rare that the initial complaint is reflective of the whole truth. We know that.

It's something I have to do every single day and often more than once. It's not harassment 🙄 it's literally part of the job.

Block the daft mum.

My DDs both went from primary to secondary with their best friends. By the end of year seven they were going around with other girls. No falling out but they find their own groups. It would be very unusual for teachers to get involved in friendship groups in secondary school. Not liking someone is reason enough to not be friends with them.

if Sarah is struggling to make friends the best thing she can do is join some clubs and find friends who are interested in the same things she’s interested in. Her mother’s intervention couldn’t be more misjudged. If your DD is told to include Sarah (such an odd course of action that I can barely conceive of a teacher who would do that) then your daughter should be ready to say that, although she doesn’t have a problem with Sarah, they’re just not friends

Personally I would get ahead of this at the school and contact them. The mum is basically now bullying you to make your DD be friends with hers.

schools can’t be held responsible for events outside of school. Also how many classes are there at the secondary? In my DS secondary there are 210 in his year group. Sarah can’t find a friend out of all those kids?

You can’t force kids to be friends - tell your daughter to carry on doing her thing - unfortunately it’s down to Sarah to find her own way - been through this many times myself - I wouldn’t respond to the mum - she needs to encourage her daughter to make her own way and not blame others - year 7 is really tough and hopefully it will blow over soon

As school have already spoken to your daughter, I think they were already aware of the situation and are unlikely to involve your daughter. The school are much more likely to highlight to this other parent all the opportunities the child hasn't accepted and further opportunities to develop her independence rather than go down the route the parent wants. At this age friendship groups change to be based on mutual interest rather than primary school attended.

Completely agree with this. Sarah's mum is probably THAT mum who is a thorn in the side of teachers and teachers have already clocked that Sarah behaves equally problematically. So, you speak to Sarah after a particular incident and ask her what her issue is and Sarah blames OP's DD in a way that sounds very unlikely but needs double checking. You speak to OP's DD and it all becomes clear. Now you know how to deal with both Sarah and her mum forever. I wouldn't worry unless the school actually makes noises about forced friendship. Then you would know for sure they're not great with bullying, but until then they were probably just checking in.

I feel for your daughter, the other mum needs to support her child to understand that tge behaviour she is displaying isn't okay and she needs to be nicer.
I'm having issues with my child at the moment, the other way, she's very sensitive and has been the subject of bullies. The school keep assuring me she is delight and kind and helpful but won't take proper actions to support her when bullied including physical issues. They say one word against another (despite a history of them witnessing some of the acts) and then come up with a discussion between them to remedy it, when the other child is openly mocking my child. I'm afraid I've always told me child to be kind but if it's going to cause endless issues for her with nasty kids that are either jealous or just mean I'm not having it. I told her the first time she tells them no and the second time if it happens again she can put then in their place. She's not required to be nice to bullies.
Unfortunately it's a huge proportion of the school issues at the moment, parents need to support their children in understanding how is acceptable to treat others.

Honestly I was Sarah and it definitely was the other girl leaving me out!
I'd take a long look at your DD, afterall your DD was called out for behaving badly to Sarah at primary school

Can you please explain the circumstances of the "called out of class" part. This is utterly bizarre. What exactly were the reasons they gave and what was discussed?

Something happened to me once therefore everything that happens is this.

Utterly ridiculous post.

Totally right. Stop the helicopter parenting. She’s 11. It’s her choice who she is friends with. Otherwise this is teenage drama for grownups. Don’t get involved and don’t respond.

Id reply to the Mum with something along the lines of 'with all due respect Susan, it's not my DDs job to support yours with making friends. She has found a friendship group, tried to include your DD and they didn't gel. You need to look at supporting your DD to find new friends. I'll also be speaking to school.'

Then call the school and explain she doesn't want to be friends with her and has tried to include her in the past and it hasn't worked. Your DD is entitled to be friends with who she wants to as long as she isn't being unkind or bullying the other girl.

I wouldn't approach the school, what I would do is have a word with my dd and explain that she doesn't have to be friends with anyone she doesn't want to and she should advocate this if the school ask her to. If then she comes back and it has been escalated by the school, I would then step in, but first port of call is teaching your child to advocate for themselves...to many parents get involved in nonsense imo