Husband unhappy about doing anything

[Marg01]

I wad fortunate enough to be a SAHM; my husband earns enough to not require a second income.
I’ve became bored of being a SAHM and studied a course a few years ago and last year this led me to create my own business.

The business has taken up a significant amount of my time and DH has become rather aggrieved that some of the domestic chores have fallen to him.

The course was well suited to our schedule and we increased the our cleaner’s hours so there wasn’t any imposition on my husband. However, the business is an entirely different beast, which means DH has to sometimes do his share of the cooking, cleaning and childcare. Occasionally, he will have to run the household on either a Saturday or a Sunday and he isn’t happy at all about doing this. He feels his financial contribution mitigates the need to handle the more mundane aspect of family life.

The business has yet to turn a profit but it’s still early days and , I see this as an investment in my and our future, and I am still doing more than him at home.

I’ve told him that I expect his fully support, just like I’ve supported him throughout his career and raising his children, which has raised some eyebrows in my friendship circle.

a few friends have commented that I am being unfair on him.

The crux of the matter is, this man has got away with opting out of family/home duties because he has had the OP do them for him. A fairer distribution of effort from the get-go could have prevented this situation from arising.

Though I have to say I'd be somewhat resentful if my DH was sitting on his arse at home while the children were at school! I could understand the DH here being peeved at that.

No family set-up however it's organised should rely on the mother carrying the bulk of household tasks and parenting outside of working hours!

The crux of the matter is, this woman has got away with opting out of work/financial duties because she has had a Husband do this for her. A fairer distribution of effort from the get-go could have prevented this situation from arising.

Fixed for ya

Bollox.

So who pays for all of OP's housing and living costs?

The Fairy Godmother?

What happens if those wives decide they want to do paid jobs or build their own business like OP? Tough luck?

Honestly, you need to stick to your guns, I have always worked and my husband runs a business - when our DC were young everything fell to me as he was the main breadwinner so I was expected to be a 1950’s housewife with a job as well. After our second child I started working in the business which gave us flexibility in school holidays and if they were ever ill. The job I do for the business is now very demanding as it has grown and my DH literally acts like he’s done it all on his own - why is it so hard to accept that if we weren’t in the background holding the whole shit show together then they couldn’t build as successfully. On a good day he grudgingly admits that I’ve been his rock and he couldn’t have done it without me but he does have a tendency to minimise my contribution and the fact I only ever bothered him if it was really necessary. I always feel like one day the penny will drop and he will realise but I genuinely don’t think he has any clue exactly how much I took off his plate and still do. Silly me
I suppose. You do what you need to do for yourself and he will have to be part of the team. He needs to get over it.

Cannot believe there are people in the world as thick as Diary. It allocation of labour they both need each other. Just because work isn’t paid doesn’t mean it’s isn’t essential.

He would be more stuffed if she vanished than she would be if he was suddenly left with her role as well as his work. She could get a job or go on benefits if he wasn’t around.

He can, and does. The point is when OP is parenting their children as a SAHM she is parenting her children in a role she chose, not providing childcare as a service to her husband. She is their mother not the nanny. Similarly when her husband works full time he is not doing it to entertain himself and while away the hours, he is working to provide for the financial needs of their family. Her role is valuable to their family. His role is valuable to their family. They are in it together, they chose each other they chose this set up together. OP is equally responsible for the situation they are in. She is responsible for now choosing to work in a field with hours incompatible with family life and for no financial benefit. If OP were my partner that would confuse the heck out of me too.

She is responsible for now choosing to work in a field with hours incompatible with family life and for no financial benefit.

And put in those terms it's so obvious. OP's DH must be pulling his hair out.

Rude.

I didn't say anything about OP's wife work not being essential. I said it was not unpaid.

This is exactly it.

I suspect there are very few people here who would actually be okay with their spouse suddenly disappearing during the bedtime routine three times a week, and for a full day every weekend in order to try and start a business.

This thread is all levels of WOAH 😲!

The OP has studied for and started a business. It's not a hobby and it won't turn a profit for a while, much like most new businesses.

I can't believe people are so disparaging and that they really believe her husband shouldn't afford her 12 hrs pw, for a while at least, to see of something comes of this.
Yes she has been a SAHM, and if this takes off, she'll no longer be and he'll no longer need to be the sole earner.

Wow! Anyone would think she's pulled off a heist, instead of raising their children and now trying to do something for herself.

And again, it’s not the new business that’s the issue. It’s not the studying that’s the issue. It’s the fact that she’s picked a business that’s totally incompatible with their current set-up and just expects her DH to accommodate it.

And yes, until she turns a profit it is a hobby - my own business was very much a “hobby” for over a year until it turned a reliable profit.

If a poster came in here and said they were sole breadwinner, working full-time to support their children and partner even though the children were in school, and their DH had decided to do volunteer football coaching three evenings a week plus all day on a Saturday with the hopes that it may one day lead to a paid career, I very much doubt everyone would be as supportive, especially if it required the OP to finish work early and do the “witching hour” of bedtimes etc. on her own with no immediate benefit to either her or their DC.

It's not a hobby and it won't turn a profit for a while, much like most new businesses.

All the fixed costs have already been written off. It should be in profit right now, even if it's a tiny profit.

It's near impossible to make money out of photography. This isn't a business, it's a dream.

If the DH announced he had decided to become a professional golfer and he intended to devote himself to golf instead of earning real £££, but don't worry, it's normal for it to take years to make it as a Pro, we'd rightly be saying he was in the wrong.

This is exactly the same.

Easy for the OP to prove me wrong. Get a job as a TLA, weekdays while the kids are at school. See if DH steps up then. I bet he does.

Beat me to it!

Great minds @GreenIsMyFavoriteColour

Is a photography business akin to volunteering? I thought photography makes money, especially given the prices I'm charged for some digital stuff I can't even hold.

Surely any business would likely mean rejigging home responsibilities, and she can't turn into something profitable if he doesn't allow her time to do so. Agree some boundaries, but not just dismiss it entirely.

It should - but she says it’s not currently making any kind of profit, so in terms of the impact on her family, she may as well just be volunteering.

If her business was during the week and it meant her DH had to split the pick ups and drop offs with her, that’s one thing, but as it is he’s working full-time then doing the busiest time of day on his own while his wife has all day to herself and then goes off to “work”.

If my DH was home all day, child-free and then expected me to come home from my full-time job to solo parent while he was out volunteering somewhere I would not be impressed.

I didn't realise photography makes no money as I mentioned to the other poster.

The husband would be ridiculous to take up pro-golfing when that entirely replaces the only family income, unless OP goes back to work and he can fit in looking after the children around golfing.

Based on what I've read the OP will continue to do most of the child-rearing and is only asking for a few extra hours per week.
His reason is that he earns so shouldn't have to do it, not that it will be a massive ball ache trying to negotiate more time off work or such.

Isn't partnership about supporting dreams /hobbies / businesses (within reason)? Like I'm sure OP will have done for him.

Fools never differ. 🤣

I follow a local photography podcast. Of the three key people one retired, one is a van driver and the other has gone into teaching.

At the end the only money they could make was weddings and that simply wasn't enough. (None of them wanted to do weddings - they just had to do it becaise their specialisms had dried up to zero.)

The weddings business wasn't always very local, so they ended up with massive travel overheads for small money, which I suspect is why the OP is making a loss despite zero costs.

@faerietales but there are many many such story’s on here - women working full time and bloke plays golf all day Sundays and goes out a few evenings a week to the pub or football practice or the gym for hours at a time.

I would certainly be miffed if she had given up a paid job to do this but she wasn’t earning anyway . I think the plain fact is it isn’t the money or she would have been back in paid 9 to 5 work a while ago , it’s the fact he’s having to do ‘women’s work’ as he sees it

"but there are many many such story’s on here - women working full time and bloke plays golf all day Sundays and goes out a few evenings a week to the pub or football practice or the gym for hours at a time"

And the advice is usually to reallocate tasks to give equal downtime. No one says well you need to be supportive of your husband because you are a partnership or points out the op is being misandrist...

@Crikeyalmighty yep, there are many such stories on here - and the consensus is always that the bloke is taking the absolute and that you can’t expect to spend 12 hours a week on a hobby when you have kids who need looking after and a wife who also deserves some down time.