Husband unhappy about doing anything

[Marg01]

I wad fortunate enough to be a SAHM; my husband earns enough to not require a second income.
I’ve became bored of being a SAHM and studied a course a few years ago and last year this led me to create my own business.

The business has taken up a significant amount of my time and DH has become rather aggrieved that some of the domestic chores have fallen to him.

The course was well suited to our schedule and we increased the our cleaner’s hours so there wasn’t any imposition on my husband. However, the business is an entirely different beast, which means DH has to sometimes do his share of the cooking, cleaning and childcare. Occasionally, he will have to run the household on either a Saturday or a Sunday and he isn’t happy at all about doing this. He feels his financial contribution mitigates the need to handle the more mundane aspect of family life.

The business has yet to turn a profit but it’s still early days and , I see this as an investment in my and our future, and I am still doing more than him at home.

I’ve told him that I expect his fully support, just like I’ve supported him throughout his career and raising his children, which has raised some eyebrows in my friendship circle.

a few friends have commented that I am being unfair on him.

Oh don't kid yourself that I'm envious.

Given that he works full time and pays for a cleaner for his partner when she doesn’t work, I don’t think he should be having to worry about doing any cleaning at all, quite frankly.

How many women here would work full-time and pay for a cleaner while their husbands had 30 hours a week free to do courses? And then be quite happy to come home from work early so said husband could indulge in a hobby for 12 hours while they did dinner, bedtime and weekend parenting on their own?

@JHound the reason I feel that it more than likely isn’t about the ‘not earning’ was that in my 1st marriage I had to do some shifts as a student nurse- including weekends- it was all discussed before I started and on paper he was fine with stepping up - in practice once he realised it was pretty hard work with kids and interfered with his social life and hobbies such as being out all day on a Saturday at football matches and having a few drinks with mates it suddenly ‘wasn’t ok’ - and I actually was indeed earning
.

But then he'd actually have to do the majority of cooking and the such like which are just so beneath him. The horror.

He only increased the cleaners hours when he'd be doing some more of the cleaning, that was for him, not OP.

He also doesn't parent all weekend alone, it is Saturday or Sunday, not both. It sounds like he just doesn't want to look after his kids at all.

I would be fine parenting my kids and cleaning my home while my husband retrained and worked on building a business (not a hobby).

There would have to be an agreed time limit after which the business is profitable or he abadons it but it’s not unusual for give and take. I have known plenty a couple do this kind of thing where one changes course and the other supports them in that.

But given he was fine with her not earning as a SAHM to claim he has an issue with her business because it is not profitable makes no sense.

He will have to pick up even more slack at home when her business starts to be profitable / she gets a different paid job so what then?

No, he increased the cleaner hours for both of them - so OP could do her course (that he paid for) and so he didn’t have to come and do extra. Which is totally fair enough.

Anyway, regardless of whether he’s a shit dad or just someone who doesn’t want to be taken advantage of - I still don’t think many women would happily work full-time and then come home early from work to do all the evening mayhem while their husbands went out to do a hobby, however much they may like to proclaim otherwise.

I mean, swap photography for football coaching and everyone would be up in arms.

Of course it makes sense. While she was a SAHP he wasn’t taking on extra work - now she’s doing this hobby, he’s taking on all the financial load as well as a chunk of her “load” while she does a hobby that doesn’t benefit anyone except her.

If her business becomes profitable then maybe he’d be able to work less hours himself and have some time out from being the main breadwinner?

Agree, and I think it would be a much easier sell if she didn't dress it up as a business.

I suspect if the DH had to give up a Saturday or two so she could enjoy her hobby he'd be pretty chilled about it. Ditto if it was a paying job. I suspect what narks him is him having to do a days unpaid childcare work to allow her to do a days net unpaid work. That is pretty frustrating.

Plenty of women do that.

DH and I both have hobbies and support each other to do that, OP hasn't said if her DH has hobbies too. If he finishes work early 2 days a week, he still has the other 3 days a week when he can do hobbies the vast majority of the time plus one weekend day where we actually don't know what he does, if anything.

I feel like some posters seem to be skipping over the fact that OP’s husband has to come home early 2/3 days a week.

I’m the breadwinner in my family as a single parent. I absolutely can’t leave work early 2/3 nights a week on a regular basis. Sure if a child is sick, or if I have an appointment, these things can be worked out. But not every week. I don’t think that’s particularly unusual actually - most employers would think you’re taking the piss if you made that request.

People seem to be acting like it’s no big deal!

Being married/ in a relationship is a partnership, not an excuse for men to dump everything they don’t like on the wife. This also applies to having children together, you are both responsible for everything and that includes cooking, cleaning and playing with the kids. If you don’t want to do that then don’t have kids. Parenting has to happen at the weekends too and he should be willingly wanting to spend time with his kids and care for them. YANBU

I don’t think the OP has clarified what coming home early means? Does he actually have to leave work early (I can see that might be an issue!) or does she mean he has to come straight home after his working hours? No hanging around because he is avoiding or heading off to the pub? There is a massive difference.

OP this is a tricky one. Does your husband work a job where it is the norm to work later, and you are asking him to leave before the work is done or it is acceptable to do so? If so it’s difficult to justify if your business isn’t making any money.
that said I don’t see anything wrong in asking him to look after his own kids on a weekend for afew hours.

So the wrap around after hours care she gives him is…invaluable? He can’t just manage without it. And he isn’t doing her some kindly favor by “letting “ her be the SAHP.

Some of these comments… presumably these are mostly from other mums?!

The woman has taken time out to raise his man’s children - which is a blessing for sure - but this no doubt has impacted her career. Now she is retraining to create a job that fits around her kids. She is trying to get back to work. It’s not that easy. You have to speculate to accumulate. She is just asking for her husband to be a parent… and a husband. Support extends beyond him opening his wallet. Getting back to work is a big deal after being a SAHM. Personally I wanted more equality, and wanted to earn my own money for my own self esteem and validation.

Saying all this, is there possibly additional support that is needed as you make this transition?

Completely agree with this. The comments about this aspect were so glib and ill thought out.

does she mean he has to come straight home after his working hours? No hanging around because he is avoiding or heading off to the pub? There is a massive difference.

And that's so glib as well. A small number of my partners have stay at home wives- they're working until 6, 7 , 8 at night; not heading off to the pub.

Congratulations on starting and building your own business. That’s a great achievement and you will learn so much in the process.
The hostility to women-founded businesses is part of the reason only 2.8% of all equity investment in 2023 went to female-founded businesses in the UK. Those belittling and criticising the OP without understanding the business model she is working with will end up with the economy they deserve.
OP, running a business does take a toll on family life. It is hard to switch off. At the beginning it is all-consuming. Your husband may feel left out as well as suddenly being expected to step-up. You need an honest conversation whereby he articulates his concerns and fears and you outline your goals.
What can you do to mitigate his worries? How can he show his love and support for you?

Set down some benchmarks that you both feel happy with. Bear in mind that many entrepreneurs take money out of a growing business too quickly instead of reinvesting and growing the business- so don’t be pressurised into doing that.
Ultimately, a viable business will have to survive without you so look to build a team who can take some of the pressure off of you.
It may be more than the time commitment that concerns him; it may also be the head space it takes up.
Ultimately, having supported my husband’s high-paying career for years, I waited until my children were much older before founding and ramping up my business. He was highly supportive but occasionally frustrated. The profit it is now generating has silenced most of the criticism. This country needs more female founders. But as you can see from this thread you need a thick skin and a load of resolve to navigate the naysayers. I hope you can both negotiate this and he can learn to be proud of what you are trying to do.

^ This.

It's pretty obvious that the man doesn't need to skip out of work early; that would be insane. Clearly it's just he needs to be home sharpish rather than fannying around and not having to worry about cooking a meal a couple of times a week.

It's not unreasonable at all to expect a partner to step up a bit to enable someone's ambition, whether that be due to retraining, going back to university or whatever or setting up a business. All OP is asking is that this guy does his fair share.

This. I do not know any colleagues with families who are drinking after work. Family life, commuting, working life it’s exhausting. Plus the pressure of being the sole financial provider and the anxiety losing that income in a difficult job market

To be clear she is not providing him wrap around care, she is parenting their children.

And OP would have to bring in money, not just spend it.

So why can't he parent his children sometimes too? Plenty of people manage that and work full time.