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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why do some women not like their husbands?

416 replies

whatsausername · 20/04/2025 18:51

I mean this thread with all genuine sincerity, because my husband is the love of my life and also my best friend (married 5 years, together 10)

I absolutely love spending time with my husband, and family in general, and choose this above all else.

yet I have friends who would absolutely choose their friends to spend time with over their husband and I just don’t get it?

today is Easter Sunday and I couldn’t fathom not being with my husband and children

yet I have 2 very close friends who are spending today together, with their kids, but not their husbands. And this is the case for almost all things, all the time?

AIBU to think why are women marrying men they just don’t want to spend time with???

OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 20/04/2025 19:22

whatsausername · 20/04/2025 19:05

If my original thread didn’t come across genuine I apologise. I love spending time with my friends! We love going out or catching up over coffee or whatever. And I’m close to a lot of women in my work too. The example I mean is when people seem to ‘replace’ the husband role in their family with a friend.

for example, if im having a day out on a Sunday with my kid; the other adult there is going to be my husband - not my friend!

I just cannot fathom people marrying each other then literally not wanting to spend time together. What’s the point?

Well in my case I married a man who appeared to be lovely and to want the same things as me. After we'd had 2 children he became a completely different person. I knew for sometime that he was having sex / an affair with a 17 year old from work so happy family events werent quite the sunlit uplands I'd imagined they would be.

faerietales · 20/04/2025 19:22

saduncomfortable · 20/04/2025 19:15

To be honest I make sure I spend time with friends regularly because even with the perfect partner you never know what is around the corner. How many times are there posts on here from women who thought they had the perfect relationship until they find out otherwise, and then they have no friends to lean on because they abandoned them all for their 'perfect' man. I love spending time with my husband - we have been married 25 years - but I also recognise the value of maintaining friendships and having those relationships outside the marriage.

Exactly. I know a few people who were sadly widowed at a young age and they ended up with nobody. Maintaining your friendships and hobbies is so, so important.

Danglinglights · 20/04/2025 19:23

18 years. I am bonded with many friends about how men are twats, more importantly our husbands. However, we’ve all done the time…

Eaglemom · 20/04/2025 19:24

ReesesCupcake · 20/04/2025 19:08

I guess not everyone is blessed with a wonderful husband.

I think this is what OP wants to hear and a tap on the back for her wonderful choices in life.

ConsuelaHammock · 20/04/2025 19:25

faerietales · 20/04/2025 19:22

Exactly. I know a few people who were sadly widowed at a young age and they ended up with nobody. Maintaining your friendships and hobbies is so, so important.

Show quote history

Yes, I have a young widowed friend and she cannot cope without a man. It’s very sad to watch someone pursuing a new man above all else. Too many women believe the crap fairytales.

DontCallMeKidDontCallMeBaby · 20/04/2025 19:25

whatsausername · 20/04/2025 19:05

If my original thread didn’t come across genuine I apologise. I love spending time with my friends! We love going out or catching up over coffee or whatever. And I’m close to a lot of women in my work too. The example I mean is when people seem to ‘replace’ the husband role in their family with a friend.

for example, if im having a day out on a Sunday with my kid; the other adult there is going to be my husband - not my friend!

I just cannot fathom people marrying each other then literally not wanting to spend time together. What’s the point?

But they’re two completely different days out. We have loads of days out as a family. My husband and I genuinely enjoy each other’s company, and spend the majority of our free time together. That being said tomorrow I’m meeting a friend and taking out children somewhere. The kid’s play together and get to enjoy the activity with their friends. It’s a completely different experience to being out with me and their dad. Not better, but different, and really lovely for them.

Hwi · 20/04/2025 19:25

Genuinely silly (but it is OK) and arrogant (this is not OK) post. Do you think those women who as you say 'do not like their husbands' have not been betrayed, used, disrespected, ignored and rejected by their husbands?
Do you have a cast-iron guarantee that your beloved of 10/5 years will not be spending next Easter with somebody else? Sorry, not next Easter, next Sunday?
Shocking arrogance.

User9767567 · 20/04/2025 19:26

Since there is an undertone of condescension and smugness here, allow me to be frank. All the women I know who gush about their husbands like this have the same vibe as religious fundamentalists who use blind faith as a survival mechanism. They have forced themselves to believe something so hard in order to cope with their own life and to squeeze some happiness out of it. They also have crushingly low self esteem or high people pleasing tendencies, often stemming from a childhood of abuse, neglect or undiagnosed ND.

They are so desperate to cling onto this idea of a perfect life that they've constructed from movies and media (once again, usually the result of early life trauma). By telling themselves over and over again they are in the best marriage with the best husband, it creates an illusion of a happy ending.

From the outside, these husbands are all mid at best. At worst, they are abusive narcissists but the women never leave because they've brainwashed themselves into thinking they love him. They usually have no identity outside that of being a wife and mother and the superiority they feel when confronted with other people's imperfect relationships. So if they lost their belief that their partner is perfect (like a religious faith god) it will completely shatter their life.

For context, many women don't like their partners because no human being is perfect. They are mature and mentally stable enough to accept that each person comes with flaws and there will always be friction between two fully-rounded adults. These women have also had time to develop their own sense of identity and gain experiences and thoughts that they only hold for themselves. Having children changes that entirely and only the most subservient or traumatised women will be able to sacrifice all of their freedom without the slightest bit of resentment.

This doesn't mean all marriages are doomed to fail. Many of these women dislike their husbands in certain phases of life but they are also mature enough to work through it or accept the sacrifices they need to make. They know exactly where his flaws are and have made peace with how it impacts their family. Any woman who thinks her husband is absolutely perfect is a massive red flag. Rather then question why some women don't like their husbands, it's worth seeking therapy to question why it's possible to believe a life partner is absolutely flawless when this cannot true on a human and social level.

You didn't mention age but meeting and marrying partners young is also a red flag. It's essentially one step below grooming and not surprisingly goes hand in hand with very religious communities. Teens are too young to even know what they want from life and having a partner or children extremely young means you never get to experience the multi-faceted experience of actually being a fully independent adult.

JLou08 · 20/04/2025 19:26

They're probably with their husbands most evenings. There's nothing wrong with spending time with friends, it doesn't mean someone doesn't like their husband. I'd actually say it's quite unhealthy to want to spend all your time with one person.
How do you even have friends if you can't imagine spending time away from your husband?

Abracadabra12345 · 20/04/2025 19:27

whatsausername · 20/04/2025 19:13

What an insightful reply, probably the best on this thread.

Show quote history

Ah the one you agree with, you mean? Because its starting point is about the husband while other insightful posts, the best on this thread I thought, are about the value of not being joined at the hip which is unhealthy, and enjoying time with others too.

I have a best friend and am so privileged. I am also privileged to have a good husband with whom I have much in common and shared values, but he’s not my best friend.

My priest friend sees many bereaved people who are absolutely lost after the death of their spouse - grief yes, but because they are the idealised “ devoted to each other, do everything together” they cannot function alone. She and her husband have separate interests and voluntary roles and sees this as vital to living well. Of course, it goes without saying that they are together a lot too because he’s retired, but they are so interesting to each other as they share their news

Dollshousedolly · 20/04/2025 19:28

I hope the weather stays fine for you, Mrs Smug.

MumWifeOther · 20/04/2025 19:30

I often wonder this and further, that some families genuinely don’t seem to like eachother (I mean immediate not extended).

Im like you OP. My husband is my best friend and the love of my life. We stay up most nights talking for hours and I still fancy the pants off him (apart from in my luetal phase 🤪).

We’ve been married for 14 years this year, together for 20 and I met him at 17. I think it really helps when you’ve grown up with someone. I watched a podcast to say the most successful marriage are those that marry by the age of 28-32. I agree wholeheartedly with this.

HareKrishna123 · 20/04/2025 19:31

Or...some women love their husbands but still shock, horror chose to spend the day apart doing separate things...

AngelinaFibres · 20/04/2025 19:31

My second husband is lovely. Doesn't mean that I don't want to murder him ( metaphorically speaking obviously) sometimes several times a day and then sometimes not for weeks on end. He plays golf. I couldn't hit a cows arse with a shovel. I have other interests and friends. He has separate friends.

skippy67 · 20/04/2025 19:32

🙄🙄

JLou08 · 20/04/2025 19:32

User9767567 · 20/04/2025 19:26

Since there is an undertone of condescension and smugness here, allow me to be frank. All the women I know who gush about their husbands like this have the same vibe as religious fundamentalists who use blind faith as a survival mechanism. They have forced themselves to believe something so hard in order to cope with their own life and to squeeze some happiness out of it. They also have crushingly low self esteem or high people pleasing tendencies, often stemming from a childhood of abuse, neglect or undiagnosed ND.

They are so desperate to cling onto this idea of a perfect life that they've constructed from movies and media (once again, usually the result of early life trauma). By telling themselves over and over again they are in the best marriage with the best husband, it creates an illusion of a happy ending.

From the outside, these husbands are all mid at best. At worst, they are abusive narcissists but the women never leave because they've brainwashed themselves into thinking they love him. They usually have no identity outside that of being a wife and mother and the superiority they feel when confronted with other people's imperfect relationships. So if they lost their belief that their partner is perfect (like a religious faith god) it will completely shatter their life.

For context, many women don't like their partners because no human being is perfect. They are mature and mentally stable enough to accept that each person comes with flaws and there will always be friction between two fully-rounded adults. These women have also had time to develop their own sense of identity and gain experiences and thoughts that they only hold for themselves. Having children changes that entirely and only the most subservient or traumatised women will be able to sacrifice all of their freedom without the slightest bit of resentment.

This doesn't mean all marriages are doomed to fail. Many of these women dislike their husbands in certain phases of life but they are also mature enough to work through it or accept the sacrifices they need to make. They know exactly where his flaws are and have made peace with how it impacts their family. Any woman who thinks her husband is absolutely perfect is a massive red flag. Rather then question why some women don't like their husbands, it's worth seeking therapy to question why it's possible to believe a life partner is absolutely flawless when this cannot true on a human and social level.

You didn't mention age but meeting and marrying partners young is also a red flag. It's essentially one step below grooming and not surprisingly goes hand in hand with very religious communities. Teens are too young to even know what they want from life and having a partner or children extremely young means you never get to experience the multi-faceted experience of actually being a fully independent adult.

Edited

I think you have nailed it there. I was in a toxic relationship when I was younger. I thought he was amazing, wanted to spend all my time with him, completely ignored friends who raised concerns with me and started seeing them less and less. It's only when I was out of it I realised he was abusive and controlling, I was clinging to the idea of a happy ever after and blind to everything because of childhood trauma. Whenever I think of him I feel so grateful that we never had a child together as we had planned.

Brutalist · 20/04/2025 19:33

@whatsausername

Some potential answers:

a) Maybe their husbands are dicks?
b) Maybe they don’t want to end up the kind of wife who can’t bear to spend special days without their husbands and are comfortable and secure enough in their relationships to spend time on a Sunday with someone else?
c) Maybe their husbands think they are dicks?
d) Maybe they don’t give a rat’s ass about Easter?
e) Maybe they DO spend a lot of time together, just not the particular time (Easter Sunday) that you choose to spend with your husband?

Hwi · 20/04/2025 19:33

User9767567 · 20/04/2025 19:26

Since there is an undertone of condescension and smugness here, allow me to be frank. All the women I know who gush about their husbands like this have the same vibe as religious fundamentalists who use blind faith as a survival mechanism. They have forced themselves to believe something so hard in order to cope with their own life and to squeeze some happiness out of it. They also have crushingly low self esteem or high people pleasing tendencies, often stemming from a childhood of abuse, neglect or undiagnosed ND.

They are so desperate to cling onto this idea of a perfect life that they've constructed from movies and media (once again, usually the result of early life trauma). By telling themselves over and over again they are in the best marriage with the best husband, it creates an illusion of a happy ending.

From the outside, these husbands are all mid at best. At worst, they are abusive narcissists but the women never leave because they've brainwashed themselves into thinking they love him. They usually have no identity outside that of being a wife and mother and the superiority they feel when confronted with other people's imperfect relationships. So if they lost their belief that their partner is perfect (like a religious faith god) it will completely shatter their life.

For context, many women don't like their partners because no human being is perfect. They are mature and mentally stable enough to accept that each person comes with flaws and there will always be friction between two fully-rounded adults. These women have also had time to develop their own sense of identity and gain experiences and thoughts that they only hold for themselves. Having children changes that entirely and only the most subservient or traumatised women will be able to sacrifice all of their freedom without the slightest bit of resentment.

This doesn't mean all marriages are doomed to fail. Many of these women dislike their husbands in certain phases of life but they are also mature enough to work through it or accept the sacrifices they need to make. They know exactly where his flaws are and have made peace with how it impacts their family. Any woman who thinks her husband is absolutely perfect is a massive red flag. Rather then question why some women don't like their husbands, it's worth seeking therapy to question why it's possible to believe a life partner is absolutely flawless when this cannot true on a human and social level.

You didn't mention age but meeting and marrying partners young is also a red flag. It's essentially one step below grooming and not surprisingly goes hand in hand with very religious communities. Teens are too young to even know what they want from life and having a partner or children extremely young means you never get to experience the multi-faceted experience of actually being a fully independent adult.

Edited

Bravo x 10

RawBloomers · 20/04/2025 19:33

As well as the many reasons why some women end up and stay with men they thought they were going to enjoy spending all their time with but don't, some women look for different things from different places.

Their partnership with their husband isn't and was never expected to be one of "best friends". They look to their husbands for an exchange of material support, sexual fulfillment, joint parenting, maybe societal acceptance. They look to same sex friends for friendship, fun and emotional support. And some men, I think even more than women, do the same.

Whyisitsobloodycold · 20/04/2025 19:33

whatsausername · 20/04/2025 19:05

If my original thread didn’t come across genuine I apologise. I love spending time with my friends! We love going out or catching up over coffee or whatever. And I’m close to a lot of women in my work too. The example I mean is when people seem to ‘replace’ the husband role in their family with a friend.

for example, if im having a day out on a Sunday with my kid; the other adult there is going to be my husband - not my friend!

I just cannot fathom people marrying each other then literally not wanting to spend time together. What’s the point?

I actually know what you mean OP, and I know someone in real life who cannot stand her dh, and does everything with a new friend. She’ll take the children out at the weekend with her friend, for example. It is an odd setup tbh… just be authentic and separate and be done with it, surely, than be living a separate life?

I wonder though if the couples who fall into this situation are mortgaged to the hilt; can’t stand each other, but can’t afford to separate.

NautilusLionfish · 20/04/2025 19:35

whatsausername · 20/04/2025 19:08

Yes I think you’re right with this being the main issue - separate interests/hobbies. I realised this after 6 years with my ex-boyfriend. Forever grateful I didn’t end up marrying him.

Show quote history

There you go. You are a fast learner.
Imagine all this time, the answer to your question was different interests and you couldn't figure it out yourself. That's why mumsnet is so great

EternalSunshine19 · 20/04/2025 19:36

If you're having a great time with your husband, why are you on mumsnet wondering why others aren't doing the same?
my fiancé works on an oil rig 3 weeks out of the month. I spent today with my daughter in the park and then went home to cook a roast. You do you, and don't worry about what everyone else is doing.

INeedAnotherName · 20/04/2025 19:36

Why do some women not like their husbands?

I have 2 very close friends who are spending today together, with their kids, but not their husbands.

Your title is the wrong way round. The women are with the children, so surely your question should be "Why do some men not like their wives and children?".

Which makes your thread just another nasty thread against women.

mnahmnah · 20/04/2025 19:36

People change. Life happens. The person you marry in your 20s and the marriage you have then is bound to change over 10, 20, 30 years. Kids happen. Jobs are lost. Bereavements happen. Financial events happen. House moves and disasters. Lifestyle changes. And just growing up and changing as a person!

skippy67 · 20/04/2025 19:36

I've been with my Dh 33 years. Married for 22. He's out today with his friends, I was out yesterday with mine. We love the bones of each other. You must be very insecure OP, if you can't fathom being apart from your DH for one day...