Page 16 | Why do some women not like their husbands?

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 22/04/2025 10:51

I've been in 2 relationships.

Husband together 17 til 33. Omg I hated been with him as he wanted to go out for 1 hour then come home and moaned about everything me and kids were on egg shells.

I had a bf of 2 years only recently broken up as I found out he was a cocaine addict. We ended up codependent and we did everything together but I felt stiffled and again I can't do what I want. Say go for a walk he doesn't want to walk up the big country hill into the fields or walk around see the swans so I had to compromise and not go up the hill. So I went later on with the dog and kids to do what I wanted.

Darkdiamond · 22/04/2025 11:09

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 21/04/2025 21:44

Agreed, OP even mentions her friends in the first post, yet she's being accused of not having friends, not valuing the friendships and being told having a husban as a bff is wrong.

Female best friends can let you down too.

OP meant on big holidays but so called educated people pretending not to get it so they can be nasty.

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Yep, I'm so used to people deliberately misinterpreting posts on mumsnet that I never post on AIBU anymore. There appears to be such a lack of comprehension and common sense.

Really, I think, this post was the OP noticing unhappy marriages and sham relationships where people are together for reasons other than love or wanting to be together. There possibly was a sense of 'well why are they together if they dislike eachother so much?' rather than 'why would anyone spend time with someone other than their husband?'.

I've lots of friends, as I've already mentioned, and a busy enough social life outside my husband, and can still see (and feel sad for) couples who are together for a lot of reasons that I thankfully don't relate to. I can still think that my husband is my preferred person to spend time with and is the one who I crave to be with we're apart for a while, but I can still have a life outside of him and I can see that other people are in crappy relationships that have gone stale, cold or sour through the years and they're stuck together for whatever reason. Nuance eh.

insomniacalways · 22/04/2025 11:18

Because while he might have been a nice partner, he wasn't supportive once we had children. I didn't really have a lot of female friends til I had kids but they have quite literally saved my life, spending time with me when he preferred to sleep off a hangover, go fishing, go to gigs or watch football. I lost all love and respect for him because he couldn't or wouldn't change to help me and his kids. Then last year he announced he was leaving as he felt left out. I spent years waiting for him to join in before giving up. Every other time I brought up separating he broke down and begged me not to and I genuinely thought I would never get him out of the house! This Easter weekend was bliss, no waiting around for his Bank Holiday hangover to subside or sport on the TV! I'm glad you had a lovely day too!

Elsvieta · 22/04/2025 11:56

Gendernotsex · 22/04/2025 08:38

Because most women- whether we like it or not- settle, and this is mainly because, as @jhound alludes to, most (not all) women want children- it's not as simple as waiting around for Mr Perfect, and that urge for children trumps everything: They could wait for the perfect guy, but they then run the risk of never having children, so they choose whichever "ok" man can make that happen. I've also seen similar happen with groups of women in their late 20s-early 30s- all of a sudden everyone seems to start getting engaged/married/pregnant. It seems to set off a chain reaction and they seem to scramble to find any man who is willing to put a ring on it/have a baby. These men are nearly always wayyyy less than perfect and seem to be the type that are happy with anything with a vagina (so not choosy at all).

It's only after the kids come along, and when the baby blinkers are off, that the wife realises how useless/boring/unattractive/what a twat he actually is, whilst the husband is resentful because all of her energy and attention goes on the kids- he is now surplus to requirements now that she has the children and the home she wanted (apart from a second income (or even the main income if shes a SAHM) and an extra pair of hands around the house). But she doesn't want to be a single mum, lose the home and share 50/50 custody, and he doesn't want to be alone nor lose his money and his housemaid, so they just trundle along until they can no longer bear it/the kids leave home. They bitch to their friends about each other to let off steam, but they won't leave. That's most people's reality.

Ignore the miserable posters on here OP. Your marriage sounds lovely x

Edited

Yep.

"Men love women, women love children, children love hamsters." - Alice Thomas Ellis.

Most women love the hypothetical children they haven't got yet more than they could love any man.

KimberleyClark · 22/04/2025 12:04

The number of threads on here from women in otherwise happy marriages except that she wants another child and he doesn’t and has always been pretty clear about it, and the number of replies saying leave, basically your need for another child is more important than the stable home your existing children already have, is eye opening.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 22/04/2025 12:26

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 22/04/2025 10:13

That's not what my comment said. Try and calm down and quit with the personal attacks.

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How was that a personal attack, you said women who hate their husbands are your kind of people.

I find that weird.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 22/04/2025 12:27

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 22/04/2025 12:26

How was that a personal attack, you said women who hate their husbands are your kind of people.

I find that weird.

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I do not care 🙌

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 22/04/2025 13:08

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 22/04/2025 12:27

I do not care 🙌

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Good, crack on. 🙌

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 22/04/2025 13:10

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 22/04/2025 13:08

Good, crack on. 🙌

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👍

Surferosa · 22/04/2025 13:30

heathcliffsdirtyfingernails · 22/04/2025 08:23

I feel genuinely sorry for any woman I meet when I find out she has a husband. :)

Why though? My marriage is one of the most easiest things in my life. We get on well together, we enjoy time together and time with friends, we like living together and being parents together. I feel completely myself with him and have never felt trapped or anything like that. I can't imagine why anyone would feel sorry for me!

My parenrs have been married 50 years, my in laws 40 and they both like spending time together and happily married! Yes some marriages are unhappy but a lot aren't!

CommonAsMucklowe · 22/04/2025 13:49

Stillearninglife · 20/04/2025 19:01

Because after over 30 years he gets on my last bastard nerve.

Loads of reasons! Literally loads!

I hear you! 😜

mydogisthebest · 22/04/2025 14:26

Iamwearingmyglasses · 22/04/2025 08:39

I love my husband but I married him because he’s supportive, kind, patient and generally a decent bloke who takes on his load of childcare and chores without complaining.

But he’s not my best friend, I had my best friends before I met him. Obviously I like to spend special occasions with him; especially ones involving the kids. But we’re not joint at the hip. We both have separate interests and hobbies and we enjoy our time doing things for and by ourselves and whenever we fancy it 😌

You can be best friends without being joined at the hip

A lot of people spend more time with their OH than anyone else and, to me, it makes sense to be best friends with someone you spend that much time with

HamptonPlace · 22/04/2025 15:58

Letsummercommence · 20/04/2025 19:17

I married mine because my previous relationships didn't end in marriage. The definition of my madness is doing the same thing and expecting the same result.
So I did something different.

We've been together 20 years and it probably won't go on much longer But it was fun whilst it lasted.

a DIFFERENT result I think you mean?

Lainey0930 · 22/04/2025 17:11

I think some women marry and over time their husband changes … their relationship changes. Some women might be in abusive relationships and don’t have the strength or money to leave or stay for their children. I think some will just enjoy doing different things/have different interests. I suppose everyone does what works for them. There can be all kinds of reasons really. Different strokes, different folkes. What I do see though is the relationships portrayed on social media as ideal are usually the ones with all the problems …

Stillearninglife · 22/04/2025 17:39

Muddlingalongsomehow · 21/04/2025 23:56

Gosh. I'm older than most here. Recently widowed after 43 years together. I adored him. He cracked me up laughing. He was kind, gentle, quiet, practical, super intelligent, and really beautiful. I have loads of lovely women friends. But I used to hate being away from him for any length of time. We talked all the time, were never bored. Just far happiest when we were together. Of course we rowed and had niggles. But life without him is utterly crap, even though my kids are with me loads and are beyond wonderful. I can fill my time but it is nothing more than that. I was an independent person before him, and I can make a life that's better than some, but it's such a pale shadow of what I had. I am a far better person for having him in my life and he would say the same.

I think it sounds as if I was lucky.

I absolutely love that.
It has made me warm and fuzzy.
You had the holy grail and I am so sorry he is gone.
This is what I think perfection is, precisely this.
Thank you so much for sharing xxx

Apothecary266 · 22/04/2025 17:42

Anything I suggested he told me to do with my best friend instead of him. Whether that be adults only or with children. Turns out I'd rather spend time with her than him. So I left him.

Gendernotsex · 22/04/2025 22:18

gannett · 22/04/2025 08:57

This is sad to read as a child-free woman. I would have thought wanting children was a reason to think harder and be pickier about the man you'd be inextricably tied to.

It's so important to teach young women never to settle.

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CF (by choice) also. And yes I completely agree- you would think that, if you were going to bring innocent children into the world, you would be pickier. But sadly it's not that simple for most women (fertility, body clock, that unignorable urge that i hear of etc)

Gendernotsex · 22/04/2025 22:22

Elsvieta · 22/04/2025 11:56

Yep.

"Men love women, women love children, children love hamsters." - Alice Thomas Ellis.

Most women love the hypothetical children they haven't got yet more than they could love any man.

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Yes. I'm CF by choice, but for many women, they do want kids, and the sacrifice of settling is worth it to have the children they want, and if that's their heart's desire I will never judge them on that.

Liz1tummypain · 22/04/2025 22:23

Life throws curveballs and people change.

Jumpingthruhoops · 22/04/2025 22:36

whatsausername · 20/04/2025 18:51

I mean this thread with all genuine sincerity, because my husband is the love of my life and also my best friend (married 5 years, together 10)

I absolutely love spending time with my husband, and family in general, and choose this above all else.

yet I have friends who would absolutely choose their friends to spend time with over their husband and I just don’t get it?

today is Easter Sunday and I couldn’t fathom not being with my husband and children

yet I have 2 very close friends who are spending today together, with their kids, but not their husbands. And this is the case for almost all things, all the time?

AIBU to think why are women marrying men they just don’t want to spend time with???

I agree OP. Been with my other half for 30 years. He's my husband, best friend, soul mate and still my absolute favourite person to be around.

Yet, the vibe I get is that many women see their spouse as little more than a 'baby daddy'; I know of several instances IRL where, once the 'wife' has had her much longed for babies, 'he' becomes surplus to requirements.

I've never understood it either, but it's definitely a thing.

Jumpingthruhoops · 22/04/2025 22:55

whatsausername · 20/04/2025 19:05

If my original thread didn’t come across genuine I apologise. I love spending time with my friends! We love going out or catching up over coffee or whatever. And I’m close to a lot of women in my work too. The example I mean is when people seem to ‘replace’ the husband role in their family with a friend.

for example, if im having a day out on a Sunday with my kid; the other adult there is going to be my husband - not my friend!

I just cannot fathom people marrying each other then literally not wanting to spend time together. What’s the point?

Again, 100% agree with you OP.

While we do love spending time together, DH and I regularly encourage each other to go on nights out, mini breaks with friends etc, so that we're not joined at the hip. We know that having time and space for ourselves is important and, ultimately, first and foremost, we respect each other as individuals. I'd wager that's why we're still going strong.

Sounds like your relationship is rock solid, OP. Anyone directing any nasty comments your way is, frankly, just jealous.

matresense · 22/04/2025 23:04

I sometimes go out for the day with my kids with friends and their kids at the weekend whilst my husband cracks on with jobs at home and decompresses (his job is more stressful than mine). I think that’s teamwork. I honestly didn’t realise it was a tragic indictment of our marriage 😂

JHound · 23/04/2025 00:48

MyUmberSeal · 22/04/2025 08:41

Likewise, the poor men who have to put up with moaning whining hags who watch Loose Women for their daily fix of sisterhood solidarity.

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They don’t have to….

JHound · 23/04/2025 00:49

Gendernotsex · 22/04/2025 08:38

Because most women- whether we like it or not- settle, and this is mainly because, as @jhound alludes to, most (not all) women want children- it's not as simple as waiting around for Mr Perfect, and that urge for children trumps everything: They could wait for the perfect guy, but they then run the risk of never having children, so they choose whichever "ok" man can make that happen. I've also seen similar happen with groups of women in their late 20s-early 30s- all of a sudden everyone seems to start getting engaged/married/pregnant. It seems to set off a chain reaction and they seem to scramble to find any man who is willing to put a ring on it/have a baby. These men are nearly always wayyyy less than perfect and seem to be the type that are happy with anything with a vagina (so not choosy at all).

It's only after the kids come along, and when the baby blinkers are off, that the wife realises how useless/boring/unattractive/what a twat he actually is, whilst the husband is resentful because all of her energy and attention goes on the kids- he is now surplus to requirements now that she has the children and the home she wanted (apart from a second income (or even the main income if shes a SAHM) and an extra pair of hands around the house). But she doesn't want to be a single mum, lose the home and share 50/50 custody, and he doesn't want to be alone nor lose his money and his housemaid, so they just trundle along until they can no longer bear it/the kids leave home. They bitch to their friends about each other to let off steam, but they won't leave. That's most people's reality.

Ignore the miserable posters on here OP. Your marriage sounds lovely x

Edited

Yep. Most of the women I know who weren’t willing to settle are childless. Myself included.

heathcliffsdirtyfingernails · 23/04/2025 03:07

Surferosa · 22/04/2025 13:30

Why though? My marriage is one of the most easiest things in my life. We get on well together, we enjoy time together and time with friends, we like living together and being parents together. I feel completely myself with him and have never felt trapped or anything like that. I can't imagine why anyone would feel sorry for me!

My parenrs have been married 50 years, my in laws 40 and they both like spending time together and happily married! Yes some marriages are unhappy but a lot aren't!

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I expect it is just my experience of men - being targeted from the age of ten, being groomed and sexually abused by middle-aged married men as a young teen, having discovered the seemingly endless array of fetishes of the men I have been involved with, having had sexual passes and suggestions made to me by the husbands of pretty well all of my friends and quite a few colleagues, being in an abusive relationship, I could go on - makes me think of all that I know of these "lovely men" and their behaviour behind their wives backs.

I suppose on a day to day level I think of the way they snore and their hoary toenails in bed, the way they leave their stained jocks and wet towels lying around, the way they control their wives, and expect to be waited on.

But I am sure others have very different experiences. It was a light-hearted comment, in any case.