I think my mum is hoarding, what do I do?

[mummytoonetryingfortwo]

I’ve been staying with my mum over the Easter weekend and I’ve been helping her to pack up her house as she’s moving.

It’s become apparent that she has boxes upon boxes of things from when I was a child. She won’t get rid of them, despite them being of no use. Some of the things I’ve found include hot wheels cars that are broken, a Thomas the tank engine train track that’s missing half the pieces, every stuffed toy I ever had, toys that don’t even work anymore. I’ve asked her a couple of times why she won’t get rid of them and she insists that the grandkids could use them one day - they won’t.

She also keeps every pillow she’s ever bought in case the stuffing could be useful in the future, she has balls and balls of wool that she’s half used, basically everything she’s bought.

Her reasoning is that she’s spent money on the items and therefore she needs to keep them - but she’s very comfortable and they’re sitting in the loft gathering dust. She won’t even replace towels, she still has the same towel sets from when I was a child (I’m 26 now), they’re worn through and you can see the sun through them when they’re pegged out to dry but she won’t get rid of them. What the hell do I do?

I have no words of wisdom, OP but I’m following your list in hope of advice too. My parents are the same. DB and I have spoken to them about doing what is in essence a Swedish Death Clean but we haven’t used that term with them in but they are not budging. One of the most frustrating things is the stuff they have hung on to which is clearly worn out, broken or poor quality but they won’t get rid of in case they need it one day but it’s just junk. Their house is looking shabby and groaning under it all. I don’t want them living like that but am struggling to know what to do too. Solidarity, I feel your pain.

You have my sympathy! What I don’t understand is she is well off. Multiple foreign holidays a year, she will treat herself to new things all the time, but she still keeps the old things. Her clothes are all worn out, but she won’t get rid of them. She has multiple sets of bedding because she wants new but won’t get rid of the old things. She’s kept all of the bedding I had in sixth form and university because “she paid for it”, but won’t listen to me when I say none of us will use it. I don’t know what to do

My mother is the same. She hoards books. To be fair she does read them but I do worry she'll die when the towers of books collapse.

My mil is the same only she hoards useless shit like old nappies (her kids are all in their 50s), prams from the 70s and broken shit.

There's really not much you can do. You could suggest counselling but it might not go down well. If it gets dangerous then you can call social services.

Not a lot you can do as this is an issue deeply rooted in childhood and almost impossible to overcome, even with help.

I mean, you could stealthily clear bits out but you risk her noticing!

Hoarding isn't something that you can talk someone out of doing, the only way to deal with it is by getting professional help, and you suggest it but can't force her to do that.
Its like dealing with a smoker. Some things you might think are helpful just trigger a defensive reaction instead. Two things you can do are firstly, suggest she takes photos of treasured but broken items, and secondly refuse to accept anything from the hoard and say 'I don't want it because its broken' or 'I don't want it because its not fit to use'.

You cannot do anything.

Maybe just say, I don’t know who you are keeping it for, but it will be in a skip before you’re cold in the ground.

Maybe ask if you can have it “for your house” and then throw it in the bin.

Expect it to get worse as she ages, and to have her refusing health care added on top.

Sympathies.

The books!! She just keeps having new bookshelves built. She has mountains of old 50s&60s romance paperbacks that are barely readable because they’re old and mouldy, but she won’t get rid of them because “you can’t throw away a book!”, it’s just unbelievable at this point. I’ll never forget finding mustard powder from the 80s in her cupboard

Are they just stuck in the loft or are they encroaching into the living space? There’s hoarding, and there’s HOARDING! I’m assuming the former if you’ve only just realised.

Either way, there is probably not much you can do except adjusting your expectations. Unless things are dangerous / unsanitary, in which case it might be a safeguarding situation for the local authority.

If she’s moving, could you get rid of the toys that are actually broken? Would she even notice, if there are plenty of others? Is her new house as big as the house she’s leaving? Could you argue that the worn out pillows are a fire hazard and need to go? I think it might be a case of choose your battles - if she does craft, she won’t get rid of the wool, but she might be persuaded to get rid of some of the stuff she doesn’t use. Does she have new towel sets as well? Could you appeal to her sense of shame - “Mum, do you really want someone to come and dry their hands on these worn out towels? They’ll think you’re a poor old lady who can’t afford to get new ones.” I fear it will be a matter of slowly slowly - can you just “lose” a couple of carrier badges of stuff each time you go? It won’t be easy - part of it will be thrift - why buy new when you have “perfectly good” already - and part the fact that to her, it would feel like throwing away her past to get rid of old toys etc. I think you’ll have to find out what her motivation behind it is - eg if she says the grandchildren will want to play with toys, then sort out some good ones and put them away nicely, and tell her no-one will want to play with old, broken stuff so it needs to go. You need to make her feel secure that you’ll only throw away what she is comfortable with getting rid of - not easy, I know. Very best of luck!

Have you come across the podcast by That Hoarder? It's absolutely fantastic and really informative. I think it's called Overcoming Compulsive Hoarding and it's hosted by an anonymous woman with hoarding behaviours. She has great guests on and I've learned loads from it about my relationship with material stuff (which is complicated but doesn't manifest as hoarding.)

She’ll notice what’s missing - it’s boxes upon boxes of shit. I don’t really have the patience that I think is required for this, I can’t see the point in keeping ratty old towels because “I spent money on them once”, it’s such a weird thing to say

Hoarding is a mental illness and it does have an age component to it. You have to seek professional help and in terms of your relationship, find the root cause of her behaviour - fears, anxieties, depression and loneliness - and offer love and support rather than scolding.

If she’s moving, maybe she’s feeling extra sentimental. Is she moving out of a family home she’s lived for a long while, into a smaller place?

i was told once that you can’t do a mass clear out - it’s too much emotionally. We’ve got a similar situation, and just moving stuff causes distress.

What we learnt is that you have to be slightly sneaky. Ie. ‘Mum- let’s get rid of these broken toys, but let’s keep x,z, as the children will love them more’ and ‘let’s take the books you don’t read to the charity shop, so someone else can get enjoyment out of them ’ etc. Also, we found when dm did clear stuff out, she may clear out ten things, but then last minute keep hold of a couple, and it’s best just to go with this. They need to keep that feeling if in control.

The 80s mustard certainly resonates!

Oh god, just like my mother and her bloody fetishisation of bloody books. These are tatty old paperbacks and cheap hardbacks, and out of date reference books. Please get rid of them! "Ooh no, you can't throw away a book!".

This is why I just don’t have the patience for it - she is well off, she has a lovely pension, and if it came down to it she could live with my husband and I and we’d make sure she was okay. There’s nothing to be afraid of. But she won’t listen, she says she has to hang onto it

Would she let you have the towels /bedding? If you said you wanted them for a friend's puppy or a homeless family or something? I am of course suggesting that the "puppy" and "family" are a euphemism for the tip.

The problem is that there is generally no logic to it all in a way. Your logical brain sees old towels and broken toys. But she sees the money spent. She might be financially ok now but maybe wasn’t always. And hoarding is psychological and usually to do with loss. It’s a really tricky thing to try to sort.

Money has nothing to do with it. But she is not happy if she is indeed hoarding. MH issues that may link to childhood deprivation or cognitive impairment with age are not easy to solve. Exasperation is understandable but not helpful. You cannot cure her or will her out of this spiral. It gets worse. Some elderly hoarders go out and bring rubbish home to hoard. Get her help while she is still cognitively capable.

This is why I think I’m not best placed to deal with it - it’s just ridiculous in my eyes and I can’t move past that

I feel your pain.

Inlaws have both died, mil in 2021 and fil in February this year. They'd kept everything they'd ever owned and I mean EVERYTHING.

My partner and I have spent thousands on skips so far for all their "treasured" possessions tat and junk.

It's also caused me to clear out, give away or sell almost everything I own that's not needed so my children aren't in the same situation even though I'm not planning on dying anytime soon.

I'm so pissed off with hoarders and their pure fucking selfishness.

Is she downsizing? Honestly don’t get involved in the discussions around affordability or usefulness of old shit, you will drive yourself mad and nothing will change.

Imagine she came to your house and tried to throw away half of your belongings- you wouldn’t be happy and would argue that they were useful/ needed etc. She can’t see the difference.

I imagine she’s not that old if you are 26? So should hopefully be independent for a long time. I’d advise you stay out of it and if you have to be involved keep it to storage solutions.

My belongings aren’t broken toys or threadbare towels.

she’s in her late 50s, her and my dad divorced about eight years ago so I’m the one who helps with things like this, my brother lives down in Devon and I’m a lot closer to her so I’m the one that gets lumbered with this - I’m in central London and she’s in Sussex.

I think I’m going to lose my mind with her. She’s kept everything, absolutely everything. My old computer desk from when I was 16 and studying for my GCSEs is in her shed. Why?! Why does she need that?!

This can also happen for folk who have undiagnosed ADD or some forms of OCD & etc. etc. In which case supporting her is probably the nicest thing you can do for her.
As 68yr old i find stuff in attic/shed/greenhouse i’d completely forgotten i owned, so if some1 cleared it whilst i was on hols or in hosp? I obviously wouldn’t have any idea it had been found a ‘new home’, haha. Hope you get a good solution.

If she refuses to get rid of anything then let her move it all herself.

Ultimately you can’t and it will cause distress.

I was a huge hoarder and so were my children (causing by me). I have ADHD. I had childhood trauma. I had trauma when the kids were born. I had trauma from an ex husband.

Therapy didn’t cure me but it promised a different life.

For me it was meeting my now DH and buying a beautiful fresh new house together.
He was lovely to me. And no decluttering needed - total acceptance. I had to do it myself. I had huge attachment and memories to things. Gentle suggestions a children’s hospital for cuddly teddies or a dog rescue centre. Plant a seed and then leave it.

I have got rid of 80% of my things - thousands of books.

Try to dress it up as something else. Hey mum, a local knitting club is appealing for wool / I’m just going to bag up all the wool that is degrading and rotting in the loft and bag it up for them. But back off quickly and do it gently.

Can you watch the declutter your life programmes with her with Stacey Solomon as well etc