I think my mum is hoarding, what do I do?

[mummytoonetryingfortwo]

I’ve been staying with my mum over the Easter weekend and I’ve been helping her to pack up her house as she’s moving.

It’s become apparent that she has boxes upon boxes of things from when I was a child. She won’t get rid of them, despite them being of no use. Some of the things I’ve found include hot wheels cars that are broken, a Thomas the tank engine train track that’s missing half the pieces, every stuffed toy I ever had, toys that don’t even work anymore. I’ve asked her a couple of times why she won’t get rid of them and she insists that the grandkids could use them one day - they won’t.

She also keeps every pillow she’s ever bought in case the stuffing could be useful in the future, she has balls and balls of wool that she’s half used, basically everything she’s bought.

Her reasoning is that she’s spent money on the items and therefore she needs to keep them - but she’s very comfortable and they’re sitting in the loft gathering dust. She won’t even replace towels, she still has the same towel sets from when I was a child (I’m 26 now), they’re worn through and you can see the sun through them when they’re pegged out to dry but she won’t get rid of them. What the hell do I do?

Is there any chance she's an environmentalist? I've had the same towels for 20 years and the same set of flannels for 15, because... despite being a bit grey and threadbare, they still do the job. I won't buy new ones as I don't want to stimulate the resource-intensive manufacture of new things to the detriment of the climate and planet.

Ditto clothing; I love clothes and love sourcing beautiful, well-made garments second hand. I'm picky as hell but I don't tend to discard older items when I acquire new ones as I might want to wear x coat or y boots again.

If something like a utensil or appliance or item of furniture works, I refuse to replace it -it seems the height of frivolity and gratuitous consumption to me. I don't think anyone would accuse me of hoarding, but I know a couple of friends think I'm silly and should just loosen up a bit and replace things for fun or a change of domestic scenery.

Maybe I'm clutching at straws...?

It didn’t feel right to leave it to the landlord, I felt that I should do it. I don’t know why. It ended up being horrendous.

This was your choice though. Legally, it was upto the landlord. They should have been inspecting the property every year anyway and carrying out the relevant safety checks. They could have threatened eviction due to the hoard if it's not cleared up. If they didn't do this and then have to deal with the hoard, that's on them.

Your feelings about it were your feelings and you have to take responsibility for them and your actions due to them. Nobody made you clear the hoard.

Most hoarders don't see it as selfishness they see it as them living their life. Which they are. If someone dies as a pet owner are they selfish leaving inheritor to deal with the pet? If someone emigrated and buys a house in another country, are they selfish for living there and leaving an inheritor in UK to deal with the sale of the property?

It can be emotional for an inheritor to deal with a hoard if they've inherited the home it's in, but they do have options for paying someone else to clear the hoard if they wish and they'll get their money back when the empty house is sold. So I see inheriting a hoarded place as annoying rather than selfish. It adds another task to the list before the property can be sold, but it doesn't have to be any more emotional than that.

The relatives feeling that they have to deal with the hoard personally, that's their own misplaced sense of responsibility talking. It's not the hoarder's fault if the relatives feel that way.

I think in a lot of cases it comes down to greed. The inheritors don't want to have someone else clear the hoard partly because they don't want to pay for the service and partly for fear of something valuable getting thrown out. Which is fair enough, but it's not the hoarder's fault the relatives feel that way either.

With sentimental items it's the same. The inheritors didn't have those items before the hoarder died, if they don't have those items after the hoarder dies they've not actually lost anything. If they want to pick through the hoard looking for sentimental items, then again that's their choice and nobody is forcing it upon them.

Perhaps it's just that anger is a part of grief and hoarding is a convenient thing to direct that anger at?

Thank you. I a, dreading it. I have a good friend who likes a good challenge though, who has offered to help now, if I can ever convince my mother to start decluttering early for my sake, who I am sure will help after she passes. It will take weeks. I may yet ask a company to do it, once I have gone through things for personal items. The vast majority of her stuff it only good for the bonfire.

Now I feel guilty for getting rid of my kid’s toys and books! Although to be fair I only get rid of them when they agree to. If we kept all their old books and toys the house would be absolutely swamped! We don’t have much loft space.
They are happy to donate them to someone else, or to the local primary school.

Does your mother like animals? Would dogs' trust/cat's home take some of the linens and towels and might she enjoy the idea of that?

Do any local crafters use old books to make paper art?

Would suggesting good second lives for items work?

Are you speaking with professional knowledge here?
I'm not doubting this may be the case, but as someone who may be of a similar age to OP's mother, I wonder whether a contributory factor is that these objects are a way of keeping past memories and experiences alive in the present? Perhaps they remind one of a time when one was young?

OP your Mum is still young, she is only a few years older than me, I don’t think you can force her to throw stuff away. If she has too much stuff to pack up, she can pay for a removal firm that packs it for her and she can deal with it afterwards. She may hopefully move and realise she doesn’t want it all in her new place.

There is no way I would be expecting any of my children to pack up my house for me or arrange a skip for me.
Why are you getting so involved - has she asked you to help? I would step back otherwise she might end up resenting you for throwing her possessions away.

If she is keeping old toys then maybe it’s the memory of when the children were young that she is emotional about. I have to admit I sometimes feel nostalgic when I see a book or toy my children used to play with.

OP Could you get your DM a digital photo frame for her new home and fill it with pictures of happy memories from when you were younger, family gatherings etc. We have done one for my FIL, and we can add photos from our phones eg when we go on holiday, so he gets a surprise when a new photo pops up! It might be a way for her to preserve memories, but in a more manageable way.
You do have to connect it to the house WiFi.

Or you could get some of those photo books printed up.

I think it becomes part of ageing & possible cognitive decline alongside with generational differences - make do & mend mentality & not having grown up with disposable fashion /culture even though it has gone on around them. I think there’s a dissonance in being able to buy & afford replacement items with ease & then an ability to equally let go off & dispose of items no longer fit for purpose or use. My DM is the same. I wonder whether it’s hoarding or a bit of everything. I think holding onto things protects you against possible feelings of being almost careless & spend happy, so the holding onto things make you feel as though you’re being thrifty/morally good/ not wasting things or your money. Also think holding on more tightly becomes an existential thing - bcos to acknowledge letting things go means facing up to the inevitable taboo of death. A lot of that generation still have never spoken about what they want for their funeral or shared wishes & plans which I think has changed massively. Plus out of sight out of mind - in an attic but even if it’s staring them in the face or taking up spare rooms, it may feel comforting in some ways. I also marvel at with the demand for space & the costs of housing how pple like my DM can afford to house junk & stuff in spare rooms. Obviously not everyone is like this. I think executive function is one affected by cognitive decline even if the person is functioning well otherwise & can be quite subtle but evidenced in the ability, to think about & organise & let go of stuff. My DM recently wanted to give her DGC (now 21 & at uni) an ugly (not lovely vintage leather or anything) briefcase that my DF used to take to work, with a broken code lock & peeling fake leather/plastic edges. Like why would a 21 year old want that?? It’s like she can’t equate her DGC as being older now (no longer at school) & at the same time see the item in the condition it truly is, despite the sentiment & feeling behind it being very sweet. She’s a student & short of money & this will carry all her heavy books. When heavy books are no longer lugged around in the way they ever used to be. Easy for me to wax lyrical about the why this happens - I still get equally frustrated & worried for my mum (tripping & falling over the stuff) & it just sitting there collected dust & space.

@Betteboop but OPs mother is only in her 50s so unlikely to be cognitive decline! And will have been born in the late 1960s, not exactly wartime….
I can assure you there was disposable fashion in the 70s and 80s!
So the hoarding is likely to be due to something else.

No idea if this would work, but - could you slowly but surely introduce the idea of 'space' being a nice thing that people pay a premium for, and you too could have free space for absolutely nothing if you let me take xyz bags of my old toys/ useful old broken suitcases to get 'sorted out'.... ?

Is it stuff she is hanging in to, or her life? The ratty old towels may look worthless to you but to her they may still be something she remembers taking pride in as a new bride, or something she saved for. We all hope our DH’s still see the young version of us and perhaps that’s the same sort of nostalgia she has.

I think some people tend to see things as just that: things. Others tend to imbue them with all sorts of associations and memories and I think it’s hard for the former type of person to ever understand the latter. They use the term “materialistic “ as a negative judgment but I don’t always think love of tatty old things is a greedy trait.

Recovering hoarder here. I'm sorry this has fallen on you and I know it's difficult to comprehend. Not sure I understand my own other than a generational trauma of poverty trickling down.
But I think I'd go into this with the mindset of relationship first. Don't let this be a wedge.

It would be impossible with everything but let's take train set as example, you might take a few mins to Google spare parts. Show her itd be £30 to replace. Would she spend the £30 now to make it whole, or prefer to let it go and put the £30 towards something else? You might not like the answer but she will feel listened to.
Otherwise, just box the stuff up and label it well ( train set. Pieces missing. Packed 20/4/2025).
If she has a change of heart it'll be easier to find and chuck stuff later as presumably it will not be leaving it's box any time.

Could you say that you would like to have your old things, and then dump them?

I'm older than your mum, and while I have kept a few things from my kids' childhood, I have long realised that they are not sentimental and they're not going to value these things, and I got rid of a lot of stuff a few years ago. My middle DC is the same age as you? TBH I do still have towels from when they were babies/toddlers but they still use them - they're Christy ones and you can't wear them done!

Ask her for towels for the cat's/dog's home. As the PP said, dress it up as something that will help others?

I’ve made it very clear to her this afternoon. She sorts it out or I do. I don’t have the time or patience to go through each thing and the emotions attached. They’re just bits of crap. She’ll find it hard but it’s for the best.

OP I am still trying to understand why you are having to sort it out for her? Why is this your responsibility? It’s obviously stressful for you.

I am not a problem hoarder, but I have inclinations!

A few years ago, I got rid of 80 large binbags of 'stuff' from my roofspace, so I am not all bad!

Not long ago, I found letters that I'd kept, some from a cousin that were so characteristic of her, and some from a friend of many years ago who took her own life. I read them again, and I could hear her voice in my head reading them, but I binned them. I did feel a pang after I did that because now I can never read them again, but I needed to let some stuff go.

I lack motivation sometimes to get rid. I have bags and bags of clothes that don't fit me, because I've lost weight in the last several years and they are taking up so much space! My resolution is to deal with them while I am off this week. I will put them on Vinted and if they don't sell, to the charity shop they go!

Won’t grandkids use the toys? My parents kept the old toys and they got lots more use when the grandchildren came along….

They’re largely broken, so no.

My sympathy. My DB is hoarding. He’s living and caring for our mum who also won’t throw things away but more because she’s worried the bins won’t get emptied. My brother has always been a hoarder. They’re a family of collectors and it was model buses for a long time but now it’s so out of hand my old room has a pile of stuff coming out of it. She’s got a bed downstairs and I know he’s hoarding in her bedroom now but although he says he wants to sort it out he never gets chance so I’ve just left them to it. I worry about it though.

Do have a look at some advice about dealing with hoarders, because IIRC throwing stuff out for them, against their wishes, can trigger them to go out & get new stuff in.

Is your DM a charitable sort? Would she feel able to let go of some items if she knew they would be much appreciated by organisations which need specific things? Perhaps it would make her feel that she's not 'wasting money she's paid out' but rather giving in kind as opposed to giving money to charities. For example, there's a facebook account called Wool Needed For Rescues. They would love to have the yarn she's storing: they have an army of knitters & crocheters who make blankets for animal rescues around the country. Would that appeal to your DM?

Broken suitcases are a bit more difficult to place.🤔

Parallellives

I think it’s fair enough to get rid of a lot of their toys and books, but I just wish she’d kept the stuff I really properly loved, not even that much of it, just to have the core memories!

Do not get rid of anything without her agreement, that is likely to make it worse as she will panic and become more protective of the hoard. Can you convince her to have a good sort out and pack things neatly into boxes? That might make it take up less space to store at least, and she might be convinced to throw one or two things out if they’re badly broken. Don’t suggest the sort out as involving throwing things away, and don’t pressure her into throwing things away. Encouraging her to keep things a bit more organised and tidy as a first step is the way to go. You need to tread very gently.

@Parallellives oh ok. I do think executive function deficits (Adhd, ND) play into obsessive behaviour whether diagnosed or not. Also not having moved for decades & if the need to declutter has not been pressing I think it can just run rife. Coupled with the belief that throwing away childhood items away for eg can feel tantamount to some to throwing away that person/memory altogether. It’s complex. It may have been better for OP to slow her mother to take it all with her & use a removal service. I don’t know how she’ll cope with her contents being put in a tip outside on the elements for all to see. It may prove counterproductive.

Making her get rid of things or getting rid of them for her without her permission has the potential to escalate the problem. I totally get it, OP. My mother is a hoarder as well. But if they don’t want to change, taking things from hoarders frequently leads to them rebuying things to fill the space, or clinging more desperately to what they still have.

I hate to say it, but if her home is passably sanitary and if she doesn’t want to change, you might just have to live with this. I would, however, point out how it’s negatively affecting her or you. Don’t try to prove your point or argue with her, because it’ll make her defensive. Just state what the negative effects are as they occur.