I think my mum is hoarding, what do I do?

[mummytoonetryingfortwo]

I’ve been staying with my mum over the Easter weekend and I’ve been helping her to pack up her house as she’s moving.

It’s become apparent that she has boxes upon boxes of things from when I was a child. She won’t get rid of them, despite them being of no use. Some of the things I’ve found include hot wheels cars that are broken, a Thomas the tank engine train track that’s missing half the pieces, every stuffed toy I ever had, toys that don’t even work anymore. I’ve asked her a couple of times why she won’t get rid of them and she insists that the grandkids could use them one day - they won’t.

She also keeps every pillow she’s ever bought in case the stuffing could be useful in the future, she has balls and balls of wool that she’s half used, basically everything she’s bought.

Her reasoning is that she’s spent money on the items and therefore she needs to keep them - but she’s very comfortable and they’re sitting in the loft gathering dust. She won’t even replace towels, she still has the same towel sets from when I was a child (I’m 26 now), they’re worn through and you can see the sun through them when they’re pegged out to dry but she won’t get rid of them. What the hell do I do?

@Toolatetoasknow

that’s so selfish of them. what happens when you ask them to move their stuff? Or say you are going to dispose of it?

@Toolatetoasknow I have become my kids’ storage facility too. They have been warned that there may come a time when it has to be moved at short notice, but I can’t deny them this space as their flats are so small and their mortgages so high. Books, outdated tech, sporting equipment, some clothes.

I’m very slowly going through school jotters this holiday. The youngest is 38, and it’s really hard to feel that I’m throwing out part of him.

They say a selection of:
It's not doing any harm.
It's consumerist to put it in landfill.
I'll probably just end up buying it again one day.
It was part of my life that I don't want to forget/eradicate/deny.
So you regret having us/us having hobbies/interests/sports? Maybe I should have sat doing gaming all day?
You encouraged me to do those things.
etc.
It's plants too. There's a huge dusty pricky cactus collection.

I wouldn't dispose of it. I lost too much as a child/young adult myself. I have 3 books, 1 letter, 1 soft toy from my whole pre marriage life, so I know it's tough.

You’ve asked for help on this thread but are ignoring it.

If you don’t pay attention to what your Mum is saying and listen to what she wants to do with her belongings, at best you will upset her. At worst, you will ruin your relationship.

You are very immature if you think you know best how other people should live their lives.

OP even highly trained and experienced Psychologists can't "fix" hoarding often!

You are being very arrogant and foolish to think you can take over her life and throw away her belongings without her express permission and co-operation. It's HER life and HER things after all isn't it, whatever YOUR opinions are.

If you can't bear to.help without being so judgy and pushy then tell her you can't help and she'll have to pay professional movers. You keep out of it.

If you don't and try to control what she takes to her new place you will probably make her condition much worse and your relationship broken. That would be your fault, not hers.

You have my sympathies.
When my mum moved we made sure nothing went into the attic. If it was in the attic it was obvious that she wouldn't use it or need it.

Oh dear. I’m getting a bit scared of getting old…

Unfortunately if you were my daughter I would tell you to p* off. You sound very controlling. Having these things make her happy. Just resign yourself to the skips when she has died, which could be another 30 plus years. If my daughter came to my house and started throwing her weight around I would ask her to leave and hire removers and get on with it. Stop being so bossy.

OP, are you an only child, or do some of those toys belong to siblings?
You are taking too much upon yourself, and your mum is not old. Fancy making her cry over a toy rabbit. And really, you have no right to order a skip to dispose of her possessions. Just take your own toys.

Can you persuade her to put it in storage whilst/or before moving her into her new place, then tell her "we will get it out when you need it". And just drag it out for as long as you can.

OP, I wonder if you are trying to compensate for your own trauma with conceiving difficulties and not being able to fix that, by trying to fix something/someone else?
Your mother is only in her late 50s. It seems somewhat bizarre for you to be taking control of her like this and talk of getting skips and chucking her stuff (she'll take it out of the skip again when you've gone). I'm older than her and have a life of new opportunities I make all the time, friends and hobbies. A 26 yr old telling me what to do and taking over like I'm 89 is odd behaviour.
Having said that, have every sympathy re your frustrations with her hoarding and the seeming absurdity of what she is keeping. And yes it will become a big issue when she ages.
Hoarding is frequently associated with loss. This also sounds like it's gone in a long time and you have only just noticed. There's no quick fix I'm afraid.
But I think you should decline to help pack. She can pay for packers and removals. The chances are she will never unbox everything.

You started a thread about the fear that your mum has a hoarding problem and have pretty quickly moved to anger and talking about your secondary infertility. I don’t have the time or patience to go through each thing and the emotions attached. They’re just bits of crap. Be careful not to be cruel. If you can't help her kindly, then you are not helping her.

She has everything to be afraid of with a controlling daughter like you!
Keeping toys from your kids childhood is absolutely normal
In fact I find you weird that you won't use bedding that's only a few years old!

Keeping broken toys is normal? Keeping bedding for a single bed that I don’t have anymore is normal?

Yes because instead of the nice relaxing weekend she promised me, she dumped this on me.

First time posting - this post has really struck a chord. I am about to spend another day going through boxes of ‘stuff’ my dear departed parents kept. I am a similar age to OP’s mum and although my children are younger ( had them late), I really don’t want to leave them with the scale of problem I have had to sort through. All I can say is that the guilt from throwing out stuff they kept is very hard to deal with. In rational moments I can acknowledge that it was stored away - and they weren’t forever looking at it - but I still have a huge sense of responsibility for it all. Just expressing some solidarity with OP really - as well as thanks for making me see (again) that I need to get rid of as much as possible and not just move it around (think that’s called ‘stirring’ in decluttering terms). Putting the theory into practice is where I continue to struggle. Wishing you luck OP.

You're a bully! Plain and simple!
You're having a shit time with your husband and instead of trying to sort out your own up marriage you're fucking with your mum!

Broken toys that don't work aren't "toys" in any practical sense. You give a kid a plane with a wing snapped off and that's landfill, not a toy.
Obviously if someone wants it then they want it, but it doesn't look like it's being kept for any purpose other than 'I won't dispose of anything I've bought'.

Does she keep old packaging OP (without the item it was packaging)?

Yes! It's totally normal because memories are attached to those things!

She hasn't dumped anything on you sure asked you to help box her things up so that's what you're meant to do - instead you're taking it to the extreme!

When my mum died I took every teddy bear I'd bought her to the charity shop, she kept everything she was given as a gift. Teatowels in there 100s unused, 70 bags of clothes went to the charity shop. The kitchen had the big catering sized tubs of ice cream which she had used to store things. Those things where vanish scoops in one and the plastic things you get to put persil gel in the washing machine in the other. There was even out of date baked beans! In regards to your question what can yiu do, absolutely nothing because if you they can't admit there is a problem if you clear it out they will re hoard. It's like any addiction it cannot be treated till they want help. My mum never did, it took for her to go into palliative care for me to be able to deal with it

It really is normal to want to keep some parts of our lives.

True hoarding can be a debilitating and worrisome tendency. But, like so many things these days, particularly to do with critiquing another person’s personality or MH, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

People use these proclamations about mental conditions to justify trying to make everyone do, say and live exactly as it suits them.

Fwiw, I actually dislike a minimalist house. They are sometimes more superficially palatable if decked out with expensive designer furniture or top spec technology. But even then, I find homes with just what’s “needed” and no more really soulless places. It feels like the owner has nothing more to preoccupy them than pushing the hoover round all day . Give me a house with a loaded bookshelf or Granny’s artwork any day.

OP I feel for you; my mum has some similar habits. I’ve managed to get her to take 3 bags of clothes that don’t fit to charity but she just bought new bits and nick nacks so the house is still as full as ever.

she has 3 broken hoovers in her garage ‘just in case she needs them’

First, you have my sympathy. This is tough.i suggest you go to counselling - I did and it greatly helped.

My parents are extremely elderly. They experienced the depression, WW2 and childhood poverty. They had a house full of crap, couldn't let go of anything. My dad was able to fix anything when he was younger, but he has lost his sight and dexterity. My mum complains of clutter but won't give away 40 year old sheets. They get comfort from having extra - from extra food, to extra towels.

My approach. Patience and very gentle pressure to clear things. Counselling for myself to deal with irritation and frustration.

Working through my own feelings and understanding I have no control but can set boundaries really helped. I would simply not help her pack and move for example - it is too much for you. You can say what you cam deal.with and leave the rest.

Well OP, maybe your dc will stay overnight with your mum, and she will want her single bed bedding.
Meanwhile, what you are doing is awful. She is youngish. You are very very young. Don't believe that when your own child is a teenager and chucks their teddy bear that you won't secretly retrieve it.
You made me smile with the 1980s mustard powder that you'll never forget. So flipping what?
Your mum uses her threadbare towels, you said so yourself. You can see the sunshine through them on the washing line you said. (As you can with mine.) So that's not hoarding.
You have clearly made her absolutely miserable this weekend.