I think my mum is hoarding, what do I do?

[mummytoonetryingfortwo]

I’ve been staying with my mum over the Easter weekend and I’ve been helping her to pack up her house as she’s moving.

It’s become apparent that she has boxes upon boxes of things from when I was a child. She won’t get rid of them, despite them being of no use. Some of the things I’ve found include hot wheels cars that are broken, a Thomas the tank engine train track that’s missing half the pieces, every stuffed toy I ever had, toys that don’t even work anymore. I’ve asked her a couple of times why she won’t get rid of them and she insists that the grandkids could use them one day - they won’t.

She also keeps every pillow she’s ever bought in case the stuffing could be useful in the future, she has balls and balls of wool that she’s half used, basically everything she’s bought.

Her reasoning is that she’s spent money on the items and therefore she needs to keep them - but she’s very comfortable and they’re sitting in the loft gathering dust. She won’t even replace towels, she still has the same towel sets from when I was a child (I’m 26 now), they’re worn through and you can see the sun through them when they’re pegged out to dry but she won’t get rid of them. What the hell do I do?

Massive empathy! My mum died earlier this year I sent last summer getting rid of 25 boxes of rubbish , that some relatives dropped off . Some of the worst items were damp mouldy books that had belonged to
my great grandad ! There were also old school reports etc .

I think it's necessary to accept that you can't decide what other people should want.

I'd be classed as a hoarder in this thread, but I don't believe I am. It's not a problem, as it doesn't cause me difficulties. I keep what I want, and not what other people think I should want.

This BBC news article describes how it is easier for hoarders to let go off things they value if they are going to be valued/useful somewhere else, eg towels for dogs. https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c3vw33g2lxxo.amp
Also she might be ok with getting rid of things on freegle for similar reasons https://www.ilovefreegle.org/
But she needs to come to the point of realising this is needed and it might be a slow start. Tbh you don’t sound like you understand that this is emotional and hard for her so it might be better for someone else to help her to realise for herself that it won’t fit in the new place.

What sometimes works is to lose 50% of a category eg keep some old towels but some go to dog rescue or freegle for dogs . It doesn’t have to be minimalist it just has to be less for a downsize.

You could try appealing to her sense of charity perhaps - suggest that the old towels would find a good use at a vet where they need a constant supply for sick animals. Or giving away unworn clothes that someone poor would really need.

My MIL is currently in the process of moving and she has piles of stuff too, she has over 70 T-shirts, most of which are never worn, she just keeps wearing the same few and they're threadbare! And 8 cheese graters! Piles of cutlery (some stolen from various hotels LOL)! I know, it makes no sense to keep. As she's moving to a smaller place DP told her there's no room for all of it and placed a suitcase down and told her she could take all the clothes from one chest of drawers she could fit in there, and the rest would need to go to charity. Seems to be working! But it is exasperating. It's made me start clearing out my old stuff as I don't want anyone having to sort through and chuck out all of it when I'm gone!

It didn’t sound like Hoarding-hoarding. Unless you haven’t mentioned the rotting food, piles of old newspapers and mouse droppings.

the one thing that’s unusual is her age. I’m 52 and tbh most people I know of our age don’t keep old broken things ‘in case the grandkids want them’. It’s something I associate with older people - like my parents and in laws, both of whom did exactly this. I have to say though, I’d be pretty pissed off at my daughter coming to visit / help me move and openly sneering at my possessions and the things I hold dear. Because I’ve done that in the past and it definitely pissed my mum off.

My parents keep everything, always have and it drove me nuts - still does tbh. But I’ve mellowed about it over the years - or at least learnt to be polite about it. There isn’t any cognitive decline, there aren’t any outstanding MH issues. No one is actually being endangered by the stuff they keep. They have a big 4-5 bedroom house to themselves, they keep the public rooms in good order, and of the garage / summerhouse / spare rooms / every cupboard are rammed full of stuff🤷‍♀️ well so be it. It’s their house, their stuff. So I don’t get involved.

My in-laws moved in their late 70s and it was a bit chaotic anyway plus MIL had undiagnosed Parkinson’s by then. Oh the stuff we had to chuck and the distress / anger it caused them! They were going from a 3 bed detached house with garage and garden, to a 2-bed flat with neither.

OP, from what you've said so far, I think you're conversations sound harsh, judgemental ...... and completely unproductive if not counter-productive!

What is the problem with keeping 15 suitcases? Or reusing the same threadbare towels for decades? If she did not like her broken suitcases, or wanted fluffier towels, she could throw out her suitcases or replace her towels. She has chosen not to. You think she's wrong, so you're treating her like a child.

Now of course, you might have reason to intervene if your mother's behaviour is a risk to her health and safety, for instance due to:

• Fire risk.
• Risk of falls because everything is so cluttered, or having the hoard fall on her.
• Other access risks - e.g. paramedics would struggle to reach her in an emergency.
• Sanitation risk, i.e. she's eating food that had spoiled, there is pet filth around, there is evidence of rodent infestation, etc.
• Going into high levels of debt because of bad purchasing decisions.

But if that's the case, you need to craft any intervention much more calmly and patiently, as hoarding behaviours are often grounded in deep anxiety and can be quite difficult to treat.

I have to say, from what you've written, it doesn't sound like she's at that level. She's keeping a whole bunch of stuff that you personally would throw out, but it sounds like she's had the space and will continue to do so. If that's right, the main issue is that you think her reasoning is bonkers. Is it really that important that she comes to your point of view?

By all means offer to help sort or donate stuff or take things to the tip. But it sounds like you are pushing way too hard, and all that's happening is everyone's getting upset, while the broken suitcases are neither fixing nor throwing out themselves...

I think I was really judgemental of my mum when I was in my 20s and 30s. I was moving into adult life, deciding how I wanted to live, work etc, getting my own home, etc. I did look down on her for keeping all that old ‘crap’. I don’t know why I took such personal offence at it, or at her cupboards for being crammed and disorganised, or her having out of date spices in her cupboards 🤷‍♀️ but I did and I was not very subtle about it.

I cleared out a cupboard in her bathroom once (in my defence I couldn’t find what I was looking for because there was so much stuff in there) and she was really upset and told me so. Not angry, but she told me how she felt judged and like I was looking down on her all the time, in her own home 😟. So I pulled right back and stopped being so sneery. It helped our relationship a lot.

There was an excellent documentary series on channel 4 years ago called The Hoarder Next Door. The host was a psychologist and he was very gentle in explaining the root causes and how logic just doesn’t land. It was very moving.

I agree with this op.

It doesn’t sound as though there are any real impacts of her “ hoarding” other than it offends your tastes - or possibly you worry about being the one to have to clear it at some point.

On top of that it sounds as though you are not too keen to help: you just want it done.

In fairness, it’s her house.

Real hoarding can be a health and safety issue, but I think people have allowed that to grow into generally pathologising a different kind of home from what they might choose.

One of my grandparents kept very little; the other had plenty of bookshelves with a life’s supply of reading on them, including her grown children’s books and even a few of her own. It was wonderful. There were also paintings and furniture that had come from my paternal great grandfather’s house. The children’s old toys were kept in a spare room and we played with the very things our parents had played with when visiting. ( I will admit they weren’t broken plastic hot wheels sets guess). I always loved to visit and and discover treasures and stories there.

Proper hoarding is seen as being a form of OCD. It’s not being selfish, it’s a mental illness. It is horrible and frustrating, but it’s really not selfishness.

My daughter is very minimalist and thinks my house has too much clutter. I probably do and I don’t mind having a sort out but my issue is with actually disposing of stuff. I can’t afford a skip and I have no way of getting bulky items to the tip. I also have stuff in the attic but I can’t climb up into it.

Sometimes practical help in that way needs offering too.

^ this

You sound harsh and judgemental.

Imagine someone coming in to your house and criticising your belongings and how you’ve organised things. Imagine someone telling you that they’re going to chuck half of it in a skip because they don’t approve because that is exactly what you are doing to your Mum.

I doubt that your Mum can explain why she has 15 suitcases.

I suggest you tell her that you can’t deal with it and let her sort it herself. She’s late fifties. She’s not old and infirm at that age. It may help her to realise she has too much if she has to deal with it all on her own.

She is an adult and doesn't have to conform to your wants and wishes no matter how right you think you are.

It sounds like the problem is mainly the stuff she's held onto for decades, rather than the hoarding habit of buying and buying. Well if that's the case, the volume won't be increasing, will it?

I would understand the practicality aspect if she was moving to a smaller place, but the new home is bigger.

Really, how much of her stuff is actually hurting you? I agree if something is a hazardous in some way, you can't just ignore it, but if she wants to keep things either for monetary or sentimental reasons that's up to her.

There's nothing dangerous about hanging onto old towels no matter how scraggy they are. You would buy new ones but she chooses not to. It's fine.

She's not asking you to store these items. I understand worries about the amount of belongings you may have to deal with when she passes, but she's in her 50s and, by the sound of it, no sign she's on her way out quite yet.

You are over-stepping and possibly unconsciously displacing your own worries, fears and anxieties about stressful situations and problems in your own life.

Agree with this 👆

But why didn't you take them if you wanted them? I have the reverse problem. The kids are horders. They don't want their old bikes, sledges, a level artwork, drumkits, hamster cages, prom dresses it goes on and on, in their own homes, they all 30s now. What do I do with it?

This is my parents. They’re in their 80’s and refuse to change. There’s nothing you can do. You can’t reason with them. Even if you offer to help “organise” it all, they won’t let you. They’ve lived in their house for over 50 years so you can only imagine the amount of things they’ve collected. Bubble wrap, cards, fabric, towels. I’ve even found full bottles of toiletries that were discontinued many years ago. Oh and 6 expensive perfume bottles, all the same, still in their sealed boxes.
The only thing you can do is accept it.

OP the toys are yours. Why are you leaving them with your mother?
The towels are her choice. I find worn towels more absorbant than modern deep fluff ones. I think you are perhaps projecting your own frustrations on something you can't control onto something you can. The skip and rabbit toy sounds like bullying, or very close. Your mother is not very old. You are very young.

You've misunderstood if you read OP's posts to mean "the volume won't be increasing".

she will treat herself to new things all the time, but she still keeps the old things. Her clothes are all worn out, but she won’t get rid of them. She has multiple sets of bedding because she wants new but won’t get rid of the old things.

The books!! She just keeps having new bookshelves built.

She refuses to let me take them - she says they’re hers because she spent the money on them. She’s being utterly ridiculous about this entire thing, and now I’ve seen there’s an issue I’ll fix it

Wow reading this I think fair play to you. you have done a wonderful transformation
I am slowly coming around to the fact I am a horder too. I have had therapy for my child hood. however not hoarding. I moved alot when I was younger so delighted when moved to my own home and kept everything. I was the 1st in my family to go to college asweell even though my mother - still doesn't acknowledge that I did well. but i had kept evey single book i had in colwge all my notes plus projects - i left college 25 years ago. i still have my school stuff slowely clearing that . it kinda hit me when covid hit and was at home alot. like you I had to do it myself though. it was delayed due to selling our house and delays with new house meant we rented for 4 years I had to quickly pack and store everything so no time to sort. we now in our new house 7 months and I have been to the charity shop I say nearly twice a month with a car full. plus a local house help charity collected a bit of furniture and kitchen wear. anything else I have been cleaning and selling on facbook or vinted. it really takes some time though. and I need uninterrupted time when I am not tired and not sick. its the mindset. I would panic buy and store it and then couldn't find it. its only now I can take a step back and see. I had 20 bottles of bubble bath for example I love my baths but one house was in had mo bath so I went through a phase of buying nice ones to store when I did get my bath back. I have not bought shampoo in 2 years nearly as so much. spent weekend just doing my blazers - I have 60 at mo. only was able to clear 10 have them up vinted now. I will go back and clear more bit for now 10 is enough. same with op mother I had 15 suitcases. have whittled down to 7 I dint need 7 but like you my husband has helped sat them all together measured and we assess which ones can go. we still have 2 sheds to clear plus the spare rooms here are only now able to walk into them but slowly getting there. Xmas is my time line.

I really don’t think you’re going to able to fix the issue, it’s an addiction, it’s a mental health issue, if you toss stuff suddenly it may just make her hoard more after moving. Honestly the best solution really might be just to take a step back

Toolatetoasknow

it was in my room, not particularly messy, the notes for school were stacked in the wardrobe and the books were on shelves. When we repainted they were put into boxes thst I assumed went to the attic but they were gone. There’s a middle ground- I’m assuming you know the things they’ll look at fondly or even need (my secondary notes would have helped me in college and I hadn’t kept them all, just the biology and chemistry, so a few folders, copies and books) as an older teen/ adult, and obviously you don’t keep worn out/ huge or broken items, but any insane decluttering minamilst thing is unfair on kids/ teens/ adults

That’s an interesting take on the lot of the inheritor, but it does assume that their time and their labour is worth nothing and sorting a house/hoard is cost free task, financially and emotionally. No guarantee here that the person left sorting the hoard is the beneficiary of the estate. Wasn’t in my experience.

stayathomer

I do agree, you should have been asked, especially if you were not yet in your own home. You could have been given the option of storage at least. And I understand, because I didn't have anything much left of my childhood- for reasons that were no fault of my parents.
However, my kids have their own homes, but the bulky stuff, camping stuff and sports stuff- cupboards and boxes and just plain piles of stuff, they leave here. As well as books and clothes and school stuff. Until recently the drive had a car that wouldn't go and had been replaced, never mind the bikes, bike carriers etc.
I need to downsize so much, I just don't know what to do with it. They see it as rejection of their childhoods, and also they have a great belief in recycling (and so do I) and not sending things to landfill.
But I feel like I am their landfill sometimes.

OP has said that her DM is moving to a larger house, and that she has a lovely pension. She hasn’t mentioned rotting food, goat trails, or flat cats, so it sounds more like clutter than hoarding.

Why not let her pack and move all her stuff? It sounds as though DM has enough space and money to do so. Does OP have some underlying problem that makes her so dismissive of her mother’s wishes?

Why did you say you and DH would want her to move in with you when you are so disrespectful and determined not to understand that this is a complex emotional disorder as described by posters above? You sound very controlling and immature.

As far as my own clutter verging on hoarding is concerned, my DH built enormous floor-to-ceiling shelves for my boxes, which are all labelled and no doubt destined for the dump when I pop my clogs. My kids, who are all older than you by the way, all know not to judge.

I find that seeing and touching old things awakens many happy memories. Far more so than photos on a smartphone. It’s difficult to explain to someone who doesn’t feel the same way.