I think my mum is hoarding, what do I do?

[mummytoonetryingfortwo]

I’ve been staying with my mum over the Easter weekend and I’ve been helping her to pack up her house as she’s moving.

It’s become apparent that she has boxes upon boxes of things from when I was a child. She won’t get rid of them, despite them being of no use. Some of the things I’ve found include hot wheels cars that are broken, a Thomas the tank engine train track that’s missing half the pieces, every stuffed toy I ever had, toys that don’t even work anymore. I’ve asked her a couple of times why she won’t get rid of them and she insists that the grandkids could use them one day - they won’t.

She also keeps every pillow she’s ever bought in case the stuffing could be useful in the future, she has balls and balls of wool that she’s half used, basically everything she’s bought.

Her reasoning is that she’s spent money on the items and therefore she needs to keep them - but she’s very comfortable and they’re sitting in the loft gathering dust. She won’t even replace towels, she still has the same towel sets from when I was a child (I’m 26 now), they’re worn through and you can see the sun through them when they’re pegged out to dry but she won’t get rid of them. What the hell do I do?

No point rationalising with someone irrational. Save your breath.

Refuse to take any of it for yourself or children.

Tell her that when she's died it'll all be simply thrown out in the rubbish.

This is hurting you and you are not able to help her so just refuse. If she asks for help just say “time is money and I am hoarding it.”

Presumably it won’t fit in the new house ?

can you ask her for all the stuff that is linked to you ? Would she let you have it ?

Selfishly I’m really pissed off. I’m having an awful time with my husband, we’ve been going through secondary infertility and this weekend was meant to be a little escape to let myself rationalise those thoughts. And now I’m leaving with a shit ton more stuff to deal with - literally and metaphorically.

Then walk away and take care of yourself first, OP. Best wishes.

We are currently battling with exactly this. Elderly parents due to move in the next couple of weeks. Not a huge downsize but enough to mean some stuff has to go and they’ve added to and added to in their current house and not got rid of as they’ve gone. Big house and they’ve filled every gap because they have the space to. It’s too good to give away, paid good money for it, might be useful some day, wouldn’t get a good enough price for it if they sold it so we’ll keep it etc etc
Its making the process so stressful and the new house will look way too cluttered and it just won’t fit but they don’t see it.

Is the new house smaller?

Don’t overthink it. Just pack it all up into boxes, label it and let her move with it all. Late fifties is no age and she can work out what to do with it all when she gets to the new house.

Hoarding is rooted in childhood issues and deep seated. Something has obviously gone wrong somewhere in her life for some reason so she probably needs compassion rather than judgement about it. Accept that you will have to dump it all when she goes.

I keep a lot of stuff (art stuff and school books mainly) because I had the opposite- a mother who decluttered before it was a thing and all I have of my childhood is a few projects I kept (which I like showing the kids). She got rid of all my books, my little ponies, dolls, toys, notes - literally things would disappear but by bit and I assumed they went to the attic then when I went to get them down I realised our attic was spotlessly clean!

Saying that the broken stuff and old pillows and towels is extreme and I do suggest you sneak out some of the broken stuff

It’s a sort of addiction and like all addictions, can’t be reasoned with (although god knows I have pointlessly tried in the past) and can’t be undone unless the person wants help.
as to what to do, nothing, because of the above, just help pack and she can deal or not deal with all the stuff in the new house, you will drive yourself mad trying to reason with someone that will not want to be reasoned with. It’s a let it go moment, for your own mental health.

It took a long time and physical work from me and DH but we went with the charitable donations and helping the planet angle by stopping the need for others to buy new stuff (the dump has space for all different types of products to be donated or fixed/recycled). We stopped pointing out how shit the stuff was so the defensiveness was reduced. Realistically a lot had to be just chucked but as we did all the work only we saw that.

This, completely. There is no logic to the behaviour and it’s not rational. I’ve been permanently barred from a friend's house because I made a careless remark about the “stuff”.

I’ve known a couple of hoarders. Ime they were both mean in spirit and couldn’t actually bare to part with anything, would not give to charity, would not happily help out another person in need. Both very greedy and grasping of what was theirs. I know hoarding is considered a MH disorder but my experience was different, it was mean spiritless

We had this with FIL, although it was mainly confined to outbuildings.
He kept every scrap of wood in case it came in useful. Had multiple of the same tools because he could never find the one he'd bought previously. We had to help with clearing out an old garage because it was only the contents holding it up and had to be dismantled. The tantrum over a piece of dowel and a metal ruler that couldn't be found were unbelievable.
DH had to assure him that he would pay for any wood that he needed for any project in the future. It was never going to happen as by this time his mobility was severely limited.
DH also helped re-roof the workshop at the bottom of the very long garden and cleared that out in the process. After FIL's death a few years later we were shocked at what he'd managed to fill it with whilst needing a mobility scooter to get around!
MIL is almost completely opposite and has carried out her own Swedish death clean, apart from some items that give her real pleasure.

The new house is bigger.

I’ve organised a skip. I’m not going to sit and entertain this behaviour now I know about it, she’s being utterly ridiculous. She’s on the verge of tears because I’ve suggested getting rid of a manky old stuffed rabbit. She’s not acting like an adult right now. I’m also going to be telling her to speak to her GP on Tuesday, because this is not normal.

Worked with somebody who hoarded at work. He was banned from taking things (empty pop bottles, tins) out of bins but he still did it and hid tonnes of rubbish, broken tools, odd training shoes and all sorts all over the site as well as a fridge full of rotting food. His car was like a skip and he had three container units where he hoarded stuff.

I’ve no direct experience of this, and do empathise with how frustrating it must be, but I am not sure you’re taking on board what PP have said:

1. it’s not (generally) something individuals have control of - it’s a MH issue
2. due to the above, it can’t be rationalised / reasoned with. Most people would agree that threadbare towels and broken toys have no value / use, but that’s not what underpins hoarding behaviour.
3. 50s is really no age - she is in a position to pack up and decide what to do with her belongings
4. I suspect that forcing the issue - turning up with a skip, or removing / binning items, will cause your DM distress and is unlikely to solve things - more clutter may appear…

Depends on how involved you want to be, but with anything saved for you/DGC you could leave it a while and say you're right mum, we could use those toys/bedding/furniture etc now, thanks! Then take it away and dispose of it. It's a pain to do but it's saving yourself future pain of sorting it all out when they die.

You can't realistically do anything about the stuff they're saving for themselves though. Except I will say this, if they ever go into a care home to live there, don't wait until they're dead to go through their stuff, it's soul destroying, especially whilst you're grieving. When they're in a care home they're not going to know if you've thrown out their old tatt or not. They only need what's fitting in their lifestyle/room at the care home, nothing more.

I could quite easily hoard things and knowing that it is irrational, but I hate just throwing away things. I would much rather they could be used by someone else.
Could you pack up towels and textiles for a local animal shelter for instance? Would she let you take things to the charity shop, but you could cut out the middle man and take them straight to the tip?

I’ve become quite good at recognising that I’ve had my money’s worth and things have served their purpose, but it is time for them to go. I imagine them saying ‘let me gooo, I’m old and tiiiired’ and I even mentally say thank you before consigning them to the bin.

Whilst my DGM wasn't a chronic hoarder the amount of stuff we had to go through when she went into a care home took every weekend for a year. She was scarred by the war and had multiples of everything. A huge house full of cupboards, two sheds and a garage.

Her clothes in black bags filled the sitting room to the ceiling. We gave away so much stuff and threw a lot out.

Too much stuff makes me anxious anyway but I've still got too much and I've been decluttering for 4 years. I really don't want to leave too much for my DC to deal with.

If she's moving will she accept she cannot take it all? Or would she be receptive to decluttering being about keeping what is important? Or is everything important?

According to her everything is important. I’ve started bagging it up. It’s just ridiculous. She has fifteen suitcases. Fifteen!!! Because the broken ones “could be mended”

Could you ask for some stuff for you to take home then get rid? Tell her your friend is after some stuffing and would be really grateful…and your neighbour has a child/grandchild who has very few toys…you get the gist.

Some people just get rid of everything, others keep.everything. Most people are somewhere sensible in between.

Its a personal thing. Unless it's a genuine fire or safety risk, leave it. It's not your fight to fight.

There are posters here who are hoarders, who may be able to offer some insight. including the one ‘cured’ poster.

There are official clutter levels, and I guess she is at clutter level 4 or 5?

Just taking the fifteen suitcases as an example. If you asked a series of questions: going from they could be fixed to getting her to acknowledge that even though they could be fixed, they won’t ever actually be fixed because she doesn’t want them to be. There is some need in her to have the comfort of the hoard.

She doesn’t sound like she is ready to talk about it much less deal with it.
Given that it is now impacting on you negatively, I think you are perfectly entitled to say that you cannot cope with it, and she’ll have to deal with it by herself.

I don’t envy you, but I would be cheerfully telling her, that the whole lot will be in the skip.

If there are old belongings of yours I'd say - this is mine, I'm taking it home. Then dispose of it/keep as you wish.

Can I ask more about this please?

For how long did you have therapy?
Looking at a clutter scale- what was your house at?
Did your children also move in with you?
Are your kids still hoarders?
What was the period of time that it took you to move in to the new house whilst you were de-hoarding.
If your husband wasn’t there, would the hoarding return?

Given the level of upset this is causing OP, do you think it would be best for everyone if she took a huge step back?