Awkward shopping trip with MIL

[Harriett9]

I feel a bit awkward about a shopping trip I had with my MIL yesterday.

I gave birth 7 months ago, my DH was initially understanding in the first few months that I didn’t want to be intimate but he has become more frustrated recently.

My body has changed and I feel uncomfortable with my stomach. We’d been in a few shops and MIL suggested we visited a lingerie store. She pointed out a few outfits which would cover my stomach and said that ‘I’m sure DH would appreciate it, he has been working hard and you two deserve some alone time’.

When I got home I asked DH if he was aware she was going to do this and he said yes.

AIBU to find this really uncomfortable and inappropriate?

DH hasn’t given much by way of explanation. He thought that I’d be comfortable with MIL trying to ‘help’ and that she did it from a good place. What I have since learnt today is that my SIL also put her up to it, so my DH has been sharing details with her too. She always points out how ‘perfect’ her birth was at any given opportunity so probably thinks I’m a right idiot.

God, this is foul.

I forget the exact timeline but if I remember correctly, sex was difficult/impossible for me for at least 6 months after birth due to pain - quite weirdly as I had a planned c-section! Things had clearly shifted or perhaps it was something to do with breastfeeding - who knows. The female body is a wonderfully mysterious thing!

I worried that my DH might get frustrated. What he actually did was reassure me, try gently any time I was ready to give it a go, stop when I asked, prioritise my comfort and help us find other ways around things until things were sorted out. Oh, and not go running to his mummy or his mates complaining about not having precisely the sort of intimacy he wanted, when he wanted it from his wife who had just had his child!

That patience and care was incredibly attractive, incidentally, and got us back to where we were a hell of a lot quicker. He behaved like a grown up who loved me, not a selfish, petulant child.

Had he even talked to you about how you're feeling without the goal clearly being to badger and coerce you into what he wants from you?

I'd be expressing all of the above to him.

As for the MIL, if she ever starts this again I'd honestly be tempted to say something like, "honestly, Janet, did you ever imagine you'd be attempting to perform the role of fluffer in your son's sex life? This is incredibly uncomfortable and weird, as well as being none of your business. Please leave it now."

In the meantime it might be worth double checking yourself down there with a mirror to make sure this behaviour hasn't actually sealed you shut!

Oh no. Not a Fabulous Fanny. Back in a size 8 three hours after birth? Likes to stay ‘trim’? Her Norman has never once looked at another woman as she knows how to keep her man happy?
Bet she irons his undies and steam presses the crotch.

You sound lovely and they sound like a family of complete tossers.

Women who boast about their perfect birth experiences when they know that the person they are talking to had a more traumatic time are pretty toxic.

Ask your DH if he would like your mum to have a chat with him about his sex life and where he was going wrong. I doubt he'd think that it was 'coming from a good place'.

Lol - I'm picturing Julie Walters saying this in a sketch with Victoria Wood!

@thepariscrimefiles her and daughter could just sit in opposite corners of the bedroom and shout words of encouragement.
Come on Simon, that’s a good boy!
Simon you can do a bit better than that darling. Look, Mummy’s drawn you a little diagram.
It is like something from Little Britain, which was rank and offensive in itself.
If my brother had ever spoken to me and my mother about his sex life I would never have wanted to look him in the eye again.

I am stunned.. I can’t imagine how you could have responded to any of that!

I would look hard at my husband and say if he's upset about my stomach he' can leave. If he ever discussed my stomach with mum again he can leave and if he ever discuss our sex life again he can leave

For mil id see her and state, DH has told me what's gone on and if you ever try and pull this shit again I will never ever include you in our lives again or speak to you

You clearly have me rumbled. I pinch all my best material from them.
I am thinking of As Seen On TV, the two women standing in the department store cafeteria queue.
’Well, my Justin did say she was a bit lacking in enthusiasm in the bedroom department. Not a glimmer of libido, I’m afraid!’
’Oh I do hope he spoke to you and his sister about it?’
’Oh he did. In fact, I’m meeting Her Indoors up the escalator after this Munchmallow to sort her out.’
’With advice?’
’No lang-e-ree. There’s a sale on, but I’m staying tasteful. No basques and no red.’
’Well, you’ve always had a full sex life. She’s lucky to have you. Anyway, are we doing Earl Grey or just Yorkshire?’
I am not taking the piss here. I just want OP to know that every woman reading is cringing inside over this woman and her daughter.

Ugh, another instance of a married woman being coerced into sex she doesn't want to have.

Am never getting married again.

OP that is grim !

I second what many others have said, I would be furious with DH and there would be even less chance of doing it. Think I would want a divorce.

Also please don't go shopping with MIL again, especially to a lingerie store !

Maybe you will have sex with DH when YOU are ready, maybe you will have sex with someone else instead now when YOU are ready as DH is so disgusting discussing such a thing with his Mother.

Jesus fucking Christ that’s awful and really weird!

WHAAAAAAAAT is this a joke?
If it isn't, then I doubt it's the first instance of zero 'D'H-MIL-you boundaries but must surely be the worst. Be prepared to start setting some yourself.

This isn’t on you @Harriett9 - none of this is your fault

I’m sorry to say that if I were in your situation it would be the end for me. Feels like a huge betrayal when you’re at your most vulnerable

From your update, this family sound so competitive. Giving birth and having sex are not supposed to be competitions. It's stressing me out just reading it all, let alone having to live it. I wonder whose child is going to be the best??

Was this whole shopping trip set up for this, or were you already going shopping and theyd tag it on?

They should all be ashamed of themselves. I'm not sure your husband knows what intimate means. He's gone for the polar opposite of intimate. This is a thread about a man with no respect for his wife. Shocking! You are too good for that family.

Wow just wow.

New levels of boundary overstepping.

I hope now that you have reciprocated by organising a shopping trip for your father and DH to find the perfect pair of boxers to make his manhood look bigger and not too tight for creating a sibling. Perhaps he can also help advise him on consent while he's there.

I also hope whenever you see your MIL now you make a point of asking loudly about her sex life and if they are still doing it regularly and how's she dealing with the post menopause vaginal dryness? Would she require any lube recommendations?

But in all seriousness, I'm afraid they are all majorly lacking in empathy. Doesn't bode terribly well for the future and after a traumatic birth on top of a new baby and lack of sleep, it's your mental health which needs to recover let alone the physical. They certainly aren't helping with that between them with pressuring you to have sex before you are ready and talking about private intimate issues behind your back. Was he like this before re pestering for sex? They keys to your body were not given to him as part of the marriage contract, he does not have some god given right to your body??! Want does he want, you to think of England?! How bloody Victorian?!

So your husband has been discussing your lack of sex life with his mother, his sister and his friends.
He wants you to have sex with him despite the fact you are not ready / don’t want to (sex when you don’t consent has a word - maybe he should think about that)
And he thinks this is the way to support you mentally and physically after a traumatic birth.

What a horrible man!

What a horrible, stupid, selfish man, not only to complain about lack of sex, after childbirth, but to share details with his mother and sister. I don't think I could get over that! Christ, even if you felt like trying it soon, there'd be a report back to them. He's totally betrayed the trust between you. I don't know how you move on from this.

So…he has discussed your sexual life with his mum and she told you what to wear for him? Boke, boke boke! 🤮

He's discussed it with:
His mum
His sister
His friends
🤢

What has he actually done for you to build up your confidence?

"... and he says none of his friends had to wait this long." Oh, wait, what? So, as well as talking to his DM and DSis, he's also talked to his mates about your sex life?! 😳

WTF. I’m rarely speechless but this is just awful. Reading your update it seems the SIL has waded in with unwanted and unneeded opinions as well.

Your DH is behaving like a complete wanker. He should maybe try that literally, so get your dad to take him shopping for a pair of fancy wank socks.

What a loser and shower you married into.

Have you any family?
I would be packing a bag and taking space to have a serious think.
Do not think for a minute this is normal behaviour.

Beyond grim behaviour from him and his family.