Page 8 | Awkward shopping trip with MIL

CleaningAngel · 20/04/2025 18:44

Harriett9 · 20/04/2025 11:45

I feel a bit awkward about a shopping trip I had with my MIL yesterday.

I gave birth 7 months ago, my DH was initially understanding in the first few months that I didn’t want to be intimate but he has become more frustrated recently.

My body has changed and I feel uncomfortable with my stomach. We’d been in a few shops and MIL suggested we visited a lingerie store. She pointed out a few outfits which would cover my stomach and said that ‘I’m sure DH would appreciate it, he has been working hard and you two deserve some alone time’.

When I got home I asked DH if he was aware she was going to do this and he said yes.

AIBU to find this really uncomfortable and inappropriate?

Rude old woman it's none of her business, but your husband shouldn't be discussing your marriage let alone intimacy with her.
I feel for you I had a rude interfering mil from hell, I just want to give you a big hug x

thepariscrimefiles · 20/04/2025 18:48

AmusedGoose · 20/04/2025 18:14

So you haven't had sex for 7 months. You hate your stomach. OK it was a bit clumsy but I think she's just concerned about your relationship. It's a difficult time for marriages for the first say 3 years post having a baby.

Your DH wants to be intimate with you and probably isn't too bothered about your mum tum. Sex is important so instead of being so upset, ask MIL to babysit and have a few hours alone with DH. I honestly think they meant well.

How on earth do they both mean well? Her DH shouldn't be complaining about his sex life or lack of to his mum and his mum certainly shouldn't be telling her DIL that her son deserves sex because 'he works so hard'.

It's entirely inappropriate and will have the opposite effect as it will put OP off sex with her DH even more.

Original poster

Harriett9 · 20/04/2025 18:49

kaela100 · 20/04/2025 18:35

Is this a cultural thing? It's very common in many European / Middle Eastern / Asian cultures for mothers to have this type of conversation during the confinement period. She might have thought she was doing you both a kindness.

No, MIL is born and bred in this country.

OP posts:

ReadingSoManyThreads · 20/04/2025 18:50

I'd have been utterly FUMING if this had been me. It also took me a long time after a traumatic birth before feeling ready to resume sex - that's ok.

How is your relationship generally @Harriett9 ? Are there any other issues?

I'm just wondering if this is a straw that broke the camel's back moment, because I certainly wouldn't blame you for leaving him over this. It's a horrible breach of your privacy. This would give me the ICK.

Your husband is a very selfish man. What support has he given you for your birth trauma?

ApricotCityLimits · 20/04/2025 18:51

The word 'confinement' makes me think that we are living within the pages of a Jane Austen novel.

AlmostCutMyHairToday · 20/04/2025 18:52

Eww so weird on so many levels. If you did actually get the lingerie wouldn't that just make DH think of his mother whilst getting it on?? So weird.

Original poster

Harriett9 · 20/04/2025 18:53

ReadingSoManyThreads · 20/04/2025 18:50

I'd have been utterly FUMING if this had been me. It also took me a long time after a traumatic birth before feeling ready to resume sex - that's ok.

How is your relationship generally @Harriett9 ? Are there any other issues?

I'm just wondering if this is a straw that broke the camel's back moment, because I certainly wouldn't blame you for leaving him over this. It's a horrible breach of your privacy. This would give me the ICK.

Your husband is a very selfish man. What support has he given you for your birth trauma?

Edited

It has generally been good aside from the recent intimacy, but he is getting increasingly frustrated and me just seeing to him in other ways isn’t enough for him anymore and he says none of his friends had to wait this long. I am not saying I won’t ever be intimate again and I know it’s important but I’m just not comfortable at this precise moment.

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 20/04/2025 18:56

Harriett9 · 20/04/2025 18:53

It has generally been good aside from the recent intimacy, but he is getting increasingly frustrated and me just seeing to him in other ways isn’t enough for him anymore and he says none of his friends had to wait this long. I am not saying I won’t ever be intimate again and I know it’s important but I’m just not comfortable at this precise moment.

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So he discusses your sex life with his mates as well?

IdaGlossop · 20/04/2025 18:56

Harriett9 · 20/04/2025 18:53

It has generally been good aside from the recent intimacy, but he is getting increasingly frustrated and me just seeing to him in other ways isn’t enough for him anymore and he says none of his friends had to wait this long. I am not saying I won’t ever be intimate again and I know it’s important but I’m just not comfortable at this precise moment.

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So not only is he discussing your sex life with his mum, he's also comparing notes with his mates! Not good, OP. It's time he went back to playing with conkers in the playground and wanking in the boys' toilet.

Edited for typos

NinaOakley · 20/04/2025 19:00

BigHeadBertha · 20/04/2025 18:39

It sounds to me like MIL means well but has the wrong idea of what the boundaries are on that. As does your husband.

I'd have a talk with DH and tell him you aren't okay with him bringing his mommy into your bedroom. Tell him oversharing makes you lose trust in him. If he doesn't get it, I suggest marriage counseling because I don't see how you can have a close, intimate relationship with your husband when he includes outsiders in your most intimate business without your permission.

If it comes up with MIL again, I'd also have a carefully worded phrase ready for her, something like "I usually appreciate you wanting to help but not so much with this particular issue." You can say it with a little laugh to soften the blow, the first time. If she keeps it up, a stronger response may be warranted. But first, consider that she may actually have a very valid reason for wanting to involving herself. It's possible the situation is more dire than you may realize.

Talking about not wanting to have sex is a very touchy subject because of course we wouldn't want to tell any woman, let alone a new mother, to just do it anyway if they strongly don't want to.

But I hope that at the same time, you will realize that if your husband is going to these lengths, he's likely telling you that he's at the end of HIS rope with it the lack of sex in his marriage and that could have real life consequences, such as leading to an affair.

If you really aren't able to do this, that's another reason for marriage counseling. Best wishes.

How could the situation be “more dire than the OP realises?!”

That Little-Lord-Needs-Mummy’s-Help-to-Wank” is thinking of cheating? Leaving?

Good bloody riddance to the pair of them if so!

kkloo · 20/04/2025 19:01

Blackdow · 20/04/2025 15:06

Well… unless there are some serious birth injuries, it really isn’t unreasonable to think that after 7 months, some intimacy should return to the marriage. If it doesn’t, and this continues, then there is a big problem.

This whole situation is wrong, he was wrong and his mum was really wrong. It’s all be handled so badly. What’s not wrong, is wanting intimacy 7 months after a baby.

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There's nothing wrong with wanting it, wanting it doesn't have to equal trying to get your partner to do it before they're ready though.

Oldmothershrubboard · 20/04/2025 19:03

It begs the question what else he shares e.g..his thoughts on your 'performance' in bed.

I'd be tempted to go out again with mil and just say "to be honest, jean, I'm more frustrated than he is but he just is so crap in bed I can't be bothered"

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 20/04/2025 19:06

His discussing anything about your intimate relationship with anyone would give me the ick.
You have a DP and a DMiL problem, the DMiL one being around her lack of filter when she is dropping not very subtle hints about your sex life.
This would have made my flaps close up again!

TheCrowFliesWest · 20/04/2025 19:07

Harriett9 · 20/04/2025 18:53

It has generally been good aside from the recent intimacy, but he is getting increasingly frustrated and me just seeing to him in other ways isn’t enough for him anymore and he says none of his friends had to wait this long. I am not saying I won’t ever be intimate again and I know it’s important but I’m just not comfortable at this precise moment.

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How much does he do in terms of housework and child care? Are you doing it all? Nothing like it to decrease desire. Add into it his coercive ways and involving his mum. Yuk 🤮

Welshmonster · 20/04/2025 19:07

of course all his mates lie and say they were intimate the day after birth. You do need to speak to GP if sex is painful or uncomfortable as if you do want more kids then getting any medical things sorted now is important.

You need to speak to partner and say that he needs to up his game as intimacy is not just about actual sex. If you are exhausted due to caring for little one and running a household then you aren't going to be up for extra chores when you want to sleep.

Counselling might be beneficial as now it's in your head, when you do try then it could be mental issue rather than physical

Tameys · 20/04/2025 19:13

Well that would be my vagina clamped shut long term.
Is he subtly pressurising you?
If so that is coercion and against the law.
Having sex when you don't want to because he is putting pressure on you is rape and also a crime.
Please don't do this.
Reach out to Women's aid for supportand advice.

StrawberryWater · 20/04/2025 19:16

That would creep me out.

I don't think i'd ever be able to have sex with him again.

Grim.

Lorlorlorikeet · 20/04/2025 19:17

Harriett9 · 20/04/2025 18:53

It has generally been good aside from the recent intimacy, but he is getting increasingly frustrated and me just seeing to him in other ways isn’t enough for him anymore and he says none of his friends had to wait this long. I am not saying I won’t ever be intimate again and I know it’s important but I’m just not comfortable at this precise moment.

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He is an unbelievably selfish cunt, I am truly shocked. Where is his kindness to the woman who bore his child?

Sending his mother to try to force you to cover up and yet dress up your new and traumatised postnatal body, just so he can get his rocks off, is fucking disgusting.

Anewdawnanewname · 20/04/2025 19:21

I think the next time he tries to initiate sex I’d have to keep mentioning how happy his mum will be when he tells her, enough to sicken him.

TheLurpackYears · 20/04/2025 19:30

She has decided it time for more grandchildren hasn't she?

mumuseli · 20/04/2025 19:32

I’m sorry that you’re feeling pressured from DH to get back at it before you’re feeling ready. Good for you for listening to what your body is telling you, ie that it’s not the right time yet. People need to understand that every birth experience and every body is different. It took me a year to heal (physically and psychologically) enough to do anything sexual, after a horrible birth.
With regards to the MIL, I agree with what other posters have said about it being inappropriate. However, is it possible that DH might have just pitched it to her as wanting you to feel confident in yourself again? ie he might not have told her about the lack of sex - just that you deserve to be treated and feel good in yourself again.
I’m probably erring wildly on the side of optimism with that though! Judging by what you’ve described DH as saying, I feel sad that he’s putting that pressure on you.

Marcipix · 20/04/2025 19:44

I can’t think of anything less of a turn on than this.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 20/04/2025 19:49

Harriett9 · 20/04/2025 18:53

It has generally been good aside from the recent intimacy, but he is getting increasingly frustrated and me just seeing to him in other ways isn’t enough for him anymore and he says none of his friends had to wait this long. I am not saying I won’t ever be intimate again and I know it’s important but I’m just not comfortable at this precise moment.

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I'm sorry to hear that your DH is putting his own selfish needs and wants above that of your healing body and traumatised mind. I've been exactly where you are with it taking a long time for sex as my body and mind were broken for a long time after our first baby, and I can tell you something my husband was patient and understanding.

My husband did NOT bleat to his mother about lack of sex. Nor did he talk to his friends about how long they had to wait, nor did he tell me "none of my friends had to wait this long". As frankly, I wouldn't have given a damn because they are NOT ME.

Your husband is bang out of order. He's a selfish nasty man who is NOT supporting you.

Are you enjoying wanking or sucking him off? Because if not, don't do it, he can use his own fucking hand, the selfish pig.

Sorry to be so blunt but he's really pissed me off. Please do not feel pressured into having sex before you are truly ready. I was terrified of doing it again and it would have been even worse if I'd felt pressured into it.

On a different note, have you had any therapy to help you come to terms with what happened during the birth?

RawBloomers · 20/04/2025 19:55

Harriett9 · 20/04/2025 18:53

It has generally been good aside from the recent intimacy, but he is getting increasingly frustrated and me just seeing to him in other ways isn’t enough for him anymore and he says none of his friends had to wait this long. I am not saying I won’t ever be intimate again and I know it’s important but I’m just not comfortable at this precise moment.

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Has he done anything to make you feel good? Or is his idea of a sex life now all about him getting the satisfaction he wants and nothing to do with you feeling sexually appreciated or satisfied?

(Your MiL needs telling very clearly that she has damaged her relationship with you. Personally I would go so far as to tell her if she ever tries to coerce you into sex with her son again, or even talk about it, you will no longer have anything to do with her.)

Stravaig · 20/04/2025 20:01

These two sound like a nightmare and I'd start making plans to eventually leave.

In my fantasy revenge plot, you'd turn to MIL with a pained expression, shrug slightly, and whisper, hesitantly, that there's no point in prettying yourself up, as her darling son can't it up and is generally terrible in bed. Maybe shudder ever so slightly, in a sad, resigned, I've tried but it's really distasteful, sort of way. Let that filter back to him.

In reality, divorce papers.