Awkward shopping trip with MIL

[Harriett9]

I feel a bit awkward about a shopping trip I had with my MIL yesterday.

I gave birth 7 months ago, my DH was initially understanding in the first few months that I didn’t want to be intimate but he has become more frustrated recently.

My body has changed and I feel uncomfortable with my stomach. We’d been in a few shops and MIL suggested we visited a lingerie store. She pointed out a few outfits which would cover my stomach and said that ‘I’m sure DH would appreciate it, he has been working hard and you two deserve some alone time’.

When I got home I asked DH if he was aware she was going to do this and he said yes.

AIBU to find this really uncomfortable and inappropriate?

One of the most disgusting things I've ever read on here. So what did you do OP? Say trips over and go back to the car, or just smile weakly and carry on to M&S? Have you done something to tackle this shit? And I don't mean give your "D"H a hand job; how are you going to address the spectacular level of seedy contempt that your H and his mother have for you?

Ew. That's all.

Omg. Your husband's a dick

That is absolutely foul and I would not be impressed with my MIL having any kind of input into my sex life.

I would be telling DH that he has won himself a sec strike for that stunt.

That is absolutely mortifying and so disrespectful that he’s even had that conversation with her. Yuck. Just yuck.

That was right at the end of the trip so we were home after that regardless. She would have known by my lack of enthusiasm and look on my face I was unimpressed.

I don’t know what to do, I’ve a million things to worry about already without this

OMG I think o was just a bit sick in my mouth reading that. Why the actual fuck are they discussing your sex life?!

Who are these weirdos who talk about sex with their parents?!

Oh OP I had a traumatic birth with DC1, it REALLY takes its toll on your confidence and nobody ever wants to speak about it. My DD is nearly 12 and it still gives me nightmares. Are you getting support for your trauma?

I would be fuming! He has no right to tell his mother your intimate details! Also, your body has been through so much. Its up to you when you get intimate again.

You were worried enough about this to post here. Find your anger and to talk to him about how grossly inappropriate and objectifying that was. As others said, you are not a broken down appliance and he cannot be tolerated to treat you like one.

So you haven't had sex for 7 months. You hate your stomach. OK it was a bit clumsy but I think she's just concerned about your relationship. It's a difficult time for marriages for the first say 3 years post having a baby.

Your DH wants to be intimate with you and probably isn't too bothered about your mum tum. Sex is important so instead of being so upset, ask MIL to babysit and have a few hours alone with DH. I honestly think they meant well.

How the fuck would MIL know when OP last had sex WITH HER SON?
Whatever anyone "meant" its just grim

I do wish men would research the effect births have on women’s bodies, rather than just expecting sex on tap no matter what. It’s almost like they expect women to be anything other than human beings with body parts that are strained and break and experience trauma

I'm alway amazed when men bang on about being frustrated about not having sex. There really needs to be more education made available to them. The NCT etc doesn't do anyone any favours by saying '6 weeks might be reasonable post birth' when we all know it's more likely to be 6 months plus.

Totally inappropriate of her to get involved, more so your husband moaning about how hard he's 'working'. Men really need to grow up. Have a wank for goodness sake

Christ, I’m pretty sure my Mum would have told me exactly where I should stick my opinion if I’d moaned to her about a lack of sex with my (now ex) wife. Particularly after such a short space of time post-partum.

I’m 99.9% sure she would have taken her for coffee and cake, or a spa day, rather than drag her into Ann Summers.

What is your MIL thinking?! What is your husband thinking, that he’s even brought it up to her? (…I suppose that second question’s rhetorical)

Wow!

What is wrong with your dh

I hope you gave your MIL what for too.
Pointing out outfits to cover your stomach so he could get off on that. She disgusts me!

AND depending on how much they pull their weight!! Nothing lowers libido quicker than being run ragged doing all the grunt work!

Is this a cultural thing? It's very common in many European / Middle Eastern / Asian cultures for mothers to have this type of conversation during the confinement period. She might have thought she was doing you both a kindness.

Please get your father to take him shopping for a wetlook male romper with a zip down the middle

I'm afraid my late MiL did try to support his sex life. Without going into the lurid details, she used to tell DH that he should always wear a 'sheath' for those important 'marital relations'. She was a bit old fashioned, and when he told her that he was getting ED, she told me I should buy myself some sexy lingerie.

I jest not.

More red flags than a Communist Party conference.

It sounds to me like MIL means well but has the wrong idea of what the boundaries are on that. As does your husband.

I'd have a talk with DH and tell him you aren't okay with him bringing his mommy into your bedroom. Tell him oversharing makes you lose trust in him. If he doesn't get it, I suggest marriage counseling because I don't see how you can have a close, intimate relationship with your husband when he includes outsiders in your most intimate business without your permission.

If it comes up with MIL again, I'd also have a carefully worded phrase ready for her, something like "I usually appreciate you wanting to help but not so much with this particular issue." You can say it with a little laugh to soften the blow, the first time. If she keeps it up, a stronger response may be warranted. But first, consider that she may actually have a very valid reason for wanting to involving herself. It's possible the situation is more dire than you may realize.

Talking about not wanting to have sex is a very touchy subject because of course we wouldn't want to tell any woman, let alone a new mother, to just do it anyway if they strongly don't want to.

But I hope that at the same time, you will realize that if your husband is going to these lengths, he's likely telling you that he's at the end of HIS rope with it the lack of sex in his marriage and that could have real life consequences, such as leading to an affair.

If you really aren't able to do this, that's another reason for marriage counseling. Best wishes.

Urgh. Cover the windows and check for cameras in your bedroom. Wouldn't be surprised if her nose was pressed against the door when you conceived. Nosey bat.
And as for your husband...bitty comes to mind. What an odd pair 😳

Urgh, why is she so interested in her adult children's sex lives? She is so inappropriate. What a repulsive family you have married into.

Not nearly as bad but one sil took her mum and soon-to-be mil underwear shopping for her honeymoon. The other sil and I politely declined the invitation and went shopping in another town.

Yak, the thought of them discussing and planning this makes my stomach turn. I’d have to know exactly what was said between them. And the idea that he works hard and so therefore deserves a shag. What did you say back?