Room allocation for SC

[Withoutfearorfavour]

House being purchased 50/50 deposit and mortgage.
4 bedrooms
I have one child full time.
He has one twice a week.
I am adamant she has her room decorated in her preferred style. A lovely bed. Wardrobe with her own belongings etc.

Shes not a guest.
We do however need a guest room and we (he) will have guests weekly. He needs a study.
So do we have the study combined with the guest room? That feels fair.
But then I wonder if he should contribute more as he has more use of more rooms.

What do you think?

I absolutely will not be becoming his childcare. Or Au Pair. I fully intend to continue to live my busy life too and any cleaning and skiving will have to be paid for equally.
I have thought there’s gonna be lots of occasions that he’s just not going to be able to join me for or Ron because he’s got responsibilities that I haven’t but they are his responsibilities whether we live together or not
I’ve just been looking for a very long time and I have been extremely fussy and he’s just the first non-porn addict, non-addict coke addict non-still in love with her ex-wife non-bitter misogynistic considering transitioning into a woman dickhead Ive found. honestly, they’re thin on the ground.

I'm going to say that's a low bar, @Withoutfearorfavour , but I understand it's your sense of humour!
I do wonder, though - what's wrong with a single life? Why do you want a partner when it's already causing problems?

There’s nothing wrong with single life whatsoever and I’ve lead it for 14 years - some might say 25 years on the basis that you can be married and single believe me whether you know it or not - so I fancy trying something else. There’s nothing wrong with that either.

There is nothing wrong with not being single but why do you want to move in together so soon and when your son is the age he is? I know you said that thing about him not having a new home to come home to when he's a uni but does he actually want to live with your boyfriend and his toddler? I can't imagine many teenagers do.

Hes not hugely opinionated either way.

Like most teens hes out and about a lot.

His sister lives near by
The toddler is a good toddler when shes well and his mum takes her out with him a fair bit. The teen and I dont go, just as she doesn’t come to the escape rooms or paintballing with us. Its very compartmented hence i hoped it might be nice to have the passive time together.

Could you rent out your house and rent with him for a year or two, just to see how things go?

Goodness knows I know women who did this and were enormously thankful they did when they decided they preferred their own space.

A quick clean exit is a truly wonderful thing when things go tits up!

Yeah, that’s not out of the question at all. And neither is keeping things as they are.
It’s just a lot of juggling at the moment.

No. Nothing wrong with it. It just seems a bit.... complicated.

It’s always complicated beyond Boy Meets Girl when you’ve both got no assets and you’ve got nothing but true love and a dream
That’s what I was trying to explain to the other posters who were like oh my husband wouldn’t charge me for using the kitchen but you met when you were 25 and you didn’t have a kitchen 🤦‍♀️ so you’ve bought a kitchen together. This is not the case.

Yes, true. I think it's the blending of established lives which must be difficult.

I do agree with what you've written here and can overall empathise with the situation you are in and how you are trying to manage the situation you are in so you don't feel resentment in the future. For what it's worth I think the payment per room is over complicating but understand the need for you not to be burnt again. You are allowed to protect yourself and your son from the what ifs.

It’s a case of choose your poison isn’t it? And I know we were joking about the bar being low.
But the pickings are slim
You either start again with somebody who’s 35 no children, no idea about your life. And still carries on like I did 18.
Or you meet a dad who at least has some empathy but usually has a nutty eX because they’ve had a relationship and she’s upset probably understandably.
Or you meet somebody older who’s been taken to the cleaners usually due to his unreasonable behaviour. He thinks he’s going to buy Viagra and usually wants some sort of porn star girlfriend to make up for the 40 years he’s not had any in his last marriage and often they want to be a transvestite. They always have a potbelly. And a yellow jumper.

I am not even joking.

Your thoughts are very odd. You want him to pay more because he has a desk, very odd

@Withoutfearorfavour yes the dating market must be hard (been off it for years) but that’s a pretty cynical way of looking at life. I understand that no one is perfect but this guy seems to “do just fine” for you. But that’s about as much as you seem willing to invest in the relationship, you talk about his child like she’s a distant cousin. I’m a stepmum myself. That’s not a part time job. When they live with you (even half of the time) you can’t pretend they’re a guest nor can you allocate family space like it’s a house share. But that’s my opinion, appreciate you may have a different outlook on life.

I could not have been clearer from day one that I was not signing up to be a stepmum so he’s made that decision that just fine or whatever you wanna call it is adequate. And that she has enough other people in her life that love her and that that’s not required from me because it was never an option.

What have I just read?

So basically Dad does Mum a “favour” by having his own DD 2 nights a week because it suits her career?

If something happens to Mum, that Dad won’t step up and the DD will go to other family?

He doesn’t currently have a room for his DD so the new arrangement will be an “upgrade”?

Dad’s home isn’t DD’s home?

It was just a drunken one night… so that makes it all okay?

2 year old will just be a visitor in yours and DP new home for the next 16 years or so?

I appreciate you and your DP want to be together, but this doesn’t actually sound like a very healthy set up or environment for this little girl.

To your question about the rooms- well I see your point a bit as it sounds like you will be contributing more overall if you are the higher earner/bringing more into the relationship even if you are putting towards the house 50/50. But I’m not even sure how you would split that? It’s just one of those things in a relationship I think, if you live together it’s never going to be exactly fair. Difficult when there are children involved too.

When I lived with my ex DP, he had one of the rooms for all his sports memorabilia etc. technically I guess I only had half a room as we obviously shared a bedroom. I still paid 50/50 towards everything- maybe it wasn’t fair but never crossed my mind really.

He would be mad to get involved with this. He needs to save or go on the housing list with his daughters interests first.

Well, he doesn’t want to do that. He’s had two years to do that and that’s not what he wants to do so 🤷‍♀️

I'm trying to imagine what this little girls life will be like in a house where she is barely tolerated

If she was barely tolerated, I’d save myself £100,000 buy a three bedroom house and put her on a guest bed in the study.

i share the four bedroom house I inherited from my father with my husband. He had two children who are here every weekend. They have a bedroom each. The fourth bedroom is a guest room with my desk in, as I work from home. All household expenses are split equally. You could argue that he uses more space than me, but It’s our house and the children are our family. I wouldn’t dream of asking him to pay more. Don’t understand why you would.

I do agree that your daughter should have her own bedroom, but his child should also have his own space: he may not be there full time but surely it’s his home too?

Sorry, assumed that step child was a boy.

If you read the original post, she does have her own bedroom that’s non-negotiable.

Hey op can you really see yourself living with him but not being involved with his child? It does sound odd that you are taking on the man but not his kid. How will that work? You want a holiday he wants his kid there maybe not now but when she is older can you see yourself doing this? Christmas time she’s stays over you ok with working around his kid getting up early watching her open presents or would you stay in bed until it’s over? Do you not think he might come to resent you? As a child growing up in this environment it would be awful they would think you didn’t love them. Would you have let your dc go through this with there other parent and partner if they were younger ? it’s either all or nothing when it comes to being a family.
Honestly you are setting yourself up for a failure. A child is forever no matter how you see this relationship it might be everything you want but I would not buy a house together.

I’ve been trying to subtly hint maybe I’ve been too subtle
He won’t be allowed holidays with the child. He won’t be allowed Christmas with the child.
The ex was hoping that he would fertilise her and fuck off. She’s had the shock of her life that he’s still here at all.