Husband’s sister treatment at our wedding reception

[PalmTreeAngel]

We had our wedding reception party a week ago, and my husband’s sister not only arrived late… but she only got us a card and no gift. Meanwhile, I’ve received very nice gifts from new colleagues I’ve met from work and my mum’s friends.

The reason she arrived late (along with her husband and two young daughters) is because they had a last minute viewing on their house.

AIBU to feel hurt and insulted by this?

I have tried talking to my husband about this, but he just shrugs it off. He feels similar to me, but won’t do anything about it or say anything to her. I think he ought to say something, but that’s me. They’re a very avoidant family, but I like to raise how I feel with others (with the hopes that we work through it of course).

Well with the housing market as it is I'd be tempted to show the viewer round. What they should have done is asked the EA to do it or rearranged the viewing.

You don’t seem to grasp that planning a wedding without siblings either by invite or because it’s just impractical for them to attend is going to upset most siblings. It’s not just about the invitation. The wedding location, timing, and costs have to be reasonable for your closest family.

Having a wedding without your siblings is a signal that has repercussions that last the rest of your life. This is just the beginning of the rift. You need to be focusing on not making it worse. Start by following your husband’s lead. He understands his family best.

Wow, OP, you really need to grow up!
If thee was a house viewing that is much more important than some cheesy wedding do (which most are in a certain demographic these days).
Just to show you, I was at my sister's wedding, some years ago, and was asked to give a reading, which I did.
Afterwards, at the drinks reception, I was talking to my sister in law and my "new" BIL's sister came up to us and asked us how we knew the bride.
I was speechless (especially as I had done the only reading). My lovely SIL just went:
" I am xxx and married to brides' brother. This is yyy, the bride's older sister".
Mad woman clearly saw that we were not to be reckoned with and left. So bloody rude.

it’s this combined with only receiving a card too.

That doesn't make you sound particularly nice @PalmTreeAngel

Your SiL is trying to sell her house. It's a big deal. Your party is probably very much a secondary consideration.

And you expect presents? How venal.

I think those are some fairly basic and widespread expectations.

A friend of mine had a small wedding during Covid - I wasn't at it, but I bought her a present because I like her and was really happy she got married to her nice husband.

Maybe the OP thinks that her SIL wasn't happy that OP was marrying her brother, and that's why she didn't give them a present. Maybe?

They’re not sending a great message to us.

You're not sending a great message to us. You come across as a petulant brat.

So you had a party to celebrate your marriage, nothing wrong with that but it is strange to think you expect people to bring gifts like they would if they were invited to your wedding…assuming it’s a buffet party in a hall and not a formal sit down meal which you paid for? If it was the latter I would be more inclined to give a proper gift but if it’s a buffet party in a hall I would just give a card and bottle of wine so not sure why you are so annoyed about not receiving a £10 bottle of wine tbh

Screaming entitlement.
Other peoples' lives do not revolve around you.
There was a good reason they were late, one that was just as important to them as your 'party' was to you.
They didn't know you wanted everyone to be there on time for some weird non-wedding wedding photos.
If you wanted formal timings and formal wedding photos, then you should have had a wedding with a wedding reception and guests on the day.
And the whole "they didn't give us a gift" sulking is just deeply embarrassing and grabby.
I'm sorry but you are coming across as very shallow.

Has OP clarified the answers to the questions several have asked:

How long between elopement/exclusive destination wedding and 'reception'.

Was the SIL aware that family photos were being done at the start of the party and her presence was required then?

These seem like fairly relevant details...

Well you both seem cut from the same cloth then.

I hate lateness but this is a party not your actual wedding and it was a house viewing, not laziness.

“They are not sending a great message to us.”
She’s his sister, not a potential employee. You need to unclench or you’re going to have a very difficult married life.

Oh, there was plenty there, just nothing a foolish little smartmouth would be able to comprehend.

I think the issue, as this thread has demonstrated, is that you saw this event as your wedding reception whereas most people would see it as a party.

Sorry YABU and I think you need to put your resentment to bed and start your in-law relationships afresh.

If I was invited to the evening only - which this effectively is - I might not take a gift.

She might have been really hurt not to have been invited to her brother's "private" wedding.

Congratulations on your marriage though 😊

So let me get this straight… if they were late but had brought a gift.. that would be ok? Because it sounds like you’re more bothered about not being gifted anything.. and that’s ugly. Maybe they’re struggling, or maybe as it’s just the party and not the actual wedding, then maybe they felt that a gift wasn’t necessary.

No, not at the time of my posting at least.

Whatever you called it, of course, it was a party to celebrate your wedding and the majority of normal people, especially close relatives, would get you a present to mark the occasion. My aunt wasn’t at my wedding due to her health issues and she got me a present, nothing major but still it was really nice.
The lateness itself is not such a big issue in the circumstances (house sale is demanding and unpredictable) but together with lack of a present gives out “don’t care much” vibe.
I would let it go anyway, nothing you could do now. I would also bear that in mind and wouldn’t go out of my way for her at least for now.

If she practices what she preaches and doesn’t expect any help or presents from you, it’s fine.

You are being so unreasonable that you are one of the most ridiculous OPs I’ve ever read and I came here to get breastfeeding advice for a child now has a postgraduate degree. You “eloped” - but you had your parents there. Your “elopement” was “not open” to the grooms sibling. You had a party, which wasn’t a sit down meal- but it had a strict start time that must be obeyed. You didn’t invite anyone to your wedding, but you want a big pile of presents. You want wedding photos - but you want them to include people for whom the wedding was closed. You once went to Devon - at least you were invited and you only had to go for the day. Some of the other wedding party had probably spent their whole lives in Devon. Weddings are important to you - but you didn’t want anyone at yours. People who you see 5 days out of 7 had a collection for you when you got married so other people who got summoned to your party should also give you presents.

I want to know what the wording was on the invitations to the party. Did you mention gifts at all, as in “ we want your presence not presents”, or “ there is a list at John Lewis”, or “please don’t buy gifts, we have everything we need but if you would like to donate to our favourite charity here is a link”. Because 20% of your guests, including your SiL , certainly didn’t think this was a post elopement party that required a gift and I am wondering why.

reading sarcasm is not your strength, sorry, I didn’t mean to offend.

OP, on what date will you mark your wedding anniversary?

Presumably 1 year after the ceremony in St Lucia. That was your wedding day. The day of the event at home was a party.

how far did they travel to the party? How long after the ceremony was it? Who brought up the lateness and lack of gift - you or your husband? Have you felt aggrieved by her before (I sense you don’t like her)? Are you sure she wasn’t a bit miffed that your choice of wedding didn’t upset her because it meant she missed her bro’s big day? Does she have daughters she’d perhaps been hoping would be bridesmaids?

I think when you change the dynamic of what is normal (I.e. a ceremony and reception) some people don’t really view it as a wedding. More akin to an anniversary party and not everyone would necessarily bring gifts to that.

Just because you felt that this was your wedding, doesn’t mean other people felt that way.

Just get over it and congrats on your marriage.

@PalmTreeAngel I understand you and your DH are taken aback and hurt by your SIL's behaviour OP - she's shown herself to be cheap and thoughtless and if I were you I wouldn't forget it, but nor would I say anything to her about it (in any case, if anyone should speak to her it should be your DH).
What would you hope to achieve by saying something? Do you really think she'll apologise for their lateness and buy you a belated gift? Wouldn't it be more likely she'll just defend their decision to prioritise their house sale over your wedding in that moment and this will lead to an argument? If you are determined to say something, just be mindful that the conversation may not go the way you hope and worse, could cause a family rift for your DH.

An elopement means no gifts, traditionally, so you can't grumble without looking grabby.

Your inlaws were a bit late to your do. That's okay, they've got a house to sell. hope they move a long long way away from you

I can't believe how many here wouldn't buy their own brother a wedding present. It's an eye opener for me.