Husband’s sister treatment at our wedding reception

[PalmTreeAngel]

We had our wedding reception party a week ago, and my husband’s sister not only arrived late… but she only got us a card and no gift. Meanwhile, I’ve received very nice gifts from new colleagues I’ve met from work and my mum’s friends.

The reason she arrived late (along with her husband and two young daughters) is because they had a last minute viewing on their house.

AIBU to feel hurt and insulted by this?

I have tried talking to my husband about this, but he just shrugs it off. He feels similar to me, but won’t do anything about it or say anything to her. I think he ought to say something, but that’s me. They’re a very avoidant family, but I like to raise how I feel with others (with the hopes that we work through it of course).

But that’s down to your relationship with your brother. They’re not close, and never have been. I don’t get on with mine either. This is a reason why we wished to marry in private, but we still wanted to celebrate with our friends, which we did. I think her behaviour is reflective of a bigger concern, which I’m going to stay out. I just wanted to see what others thought, and I’ve got some varied responses.

I am getting over it now. People are also conflating having a great time / wedding happiness with this issue. This is just something I was thinking about but overall we are super happy.

Nine out of ten people disagree with you.

And that’s fine - just no need for the nasty comments!

No, it doesn't - no-one's saying that - but nor does disagreeing with someone have to be done in such a vicious way, as too many on here have done.

This seems to be a thing now people don't want to spend money on big weddings but want the party after to ensure gifts. Yes it would be nice if she gave you a token gift but you said they aren't even close so does it really matter they have turned up which shows their support. Did she know the plan was for pictures? I don't think I could be bothered causing a drama with in laws for someone being an hour late with a good excuse!

So why are you so bothered? Surely you would expect it if they aren't close and don't speak?

What did the woman who asked your relationship to the do wrong???

Yeah selling their house is definitely more important than your party. It's a bit meaningless and tbh grabby, having a party to get wedding presents off people you didn't invite to your wedding. I'm surprised so many people brought gifts

Not just my opinion though is it, if you look at some of the other comments, they're also calling you the same thing, entitled and selfish.

Settle down. You've shown your true colours and you don't like the outcome of everyone disagreeing so you're pulling the "bully card" which makes you look thirsty to be the victim.

If people throw a little sauce in their response then that's probably because you've also been getting a little extra in your replies back. I do not see people being vicious, I think a lot of this is just a back and forth cat and mouse🙄.

So if your husband and his sister are not close and have never have been, why are you (and him, allegedly) so upset?

I find life easier when I assume that people I like enough to invite to my wedding are not sending messages via the medium of tardiness. (As a habitually late person I can assure you that none of my own late arrivals have been intended in pass-agg way.)

I used to overthink a lot about other people's behaviour, and what it meant they thought of me, when I was 15. It was stressful! When I grew up I decided to remove that stress from my life and stop reading messages into anything that wasn't an actual direct message. Life is better for it.

This is really a non issue......
I would not think anything of people arriving late it is no big deal....there will be photos taken throughout the evening. It was not a formal wedding so don't see the issue & as for a gift , I would really not even think about it..... The important things are not gifts but making memories.

You are not only being unreasonable, you are also showing yourself to be very petty.

I feel sorry for your husband if he hadn’t realised before marrying you that these are your true colours.

Yes - your wedding is important to YOU but you can’t expect it to have the same importance for everyone else. If someone is trying to sell a house a viewing is important to them. You do sound a little selfish.

@PalmTreeAngel SIL1 came to my actual wedding and didn't buy a present. She didn't buy a present when DS1 was born and didn't send a card when DS2 died. She told me not to marry DH because he was a capitalist bastard

Even so, I had time for her for the next five years or so, until she visited and behaved abominably.

I have never, ever, asked or expected DH to raise her behaviour with her and never would and it's been 34 years now. I have never complained when he has sent her a couple of grand for her kids/holiday/Christmas, etc.

If you feel the need to go head to head because your SIL was late for a party and didn't buy a present, this will create rift and divide within your new family and it will affect all your relationships moving forward. Unless the relationship with your DH is to be damaged, you have to nod and smile and be polite with a tinkly laugh. Your SIL is blood, you are not. If an in-law criticised one of my DC I cannot begin to describe what I would inwardly think about them.

All you can do is get on with the business of the little family unit you are likely to create with your DH and rise above this. If your SIL is usually difficult it will emerge over the course of your marriage and without ever saying a word, you can be assured she's a tricky one. That way nobody, least of all her, will think anything bad of you. Alternatively, it may have been a one off and you may see a wonderful side of her and you will be glad you kept Schtum.

thankfully my delightful SIL lives on the other side of the world

Lol, wow. I can ensure you my husband is very happy thank you. No need to get personal. I did a aibu poll, maybe just stick to voting.

I am getting “extra” (in your opinion) in my replies due to the viciousness @RisetteMcG There’s simply no need. It is a happy time, and I simply asked a question. I didn’t deserve to be slated for it 👍

In the nicest possible way, have you really tried ‘feeling it’ from her perspective? My sister also had a private wedding with just parents. I was devastated. A lot of people in the family were. We love her so much and always pictured being there for her and everything that goes with the day (wise words, giggles, the big crossover moment to wife/husband). We never said so of course, as you’re right that it’s your decision who you want to witness your wedding vows. However, it’s also fair in return you are not dictating how people feel about it. She then expected the exact same level of fuss she would have received if I’d been included. I was polite but I didn’t have any special memories to cherish and tried saying the words but without the moment it’s hard to get emotional. There’s also something very special about the moment you bring other people into your family. If they don’t want you there to welcome them it can make you feel that they’re not interested in a bond with you. Which once is totally fine - but you should respect their feelings the same way you want yours to be!

And I don’t mean to be offensive - just sharing how it feels from the other side of things!

Indeed @RisetteMcG 's post was OP, which is why I replied to them "Wow, you make up that whole nasty narrative and then tell OP to grow up? 🙄 Take your own advice."

No, it is vicious and unnecessary.

To be honest, this family is not like that. I can understand how it would feel like that in a traditional and close family bond - but not all sibling relationships are like that. My husband is quite sad that his sister isn’t closer to him. He’s tried reaching out and being more involved, but she’s very insular, and doesn’t seem that interested in us. She’s just not involved in our lives. Didn’t get a moving card when we moved (always send to them), dont get birthday cards etc. I guess this action hurt, because it is reinforcing that.

Just wanted to see what others thought. And I’ve got my answer, so I’m now letting it go and moving on, and focusing on our own little family.

Was it a reception dinner.... We're eating at 730...or more of a come to our party on the evening of x?

I would move house viewing for first, not second.

I think that the posts saying that you are being unreasonable need not be interpreted as snide or unkind. They are trying to stop you from setting yourself up for a lifetime of conflict with your in laws; and trying to encourage you to look at the wonderful positives of your situation.

I think you should let it go completely and put it out of your mind.

So, you know they're not close. In fact they're so far from close that you actively avoided a wedding they could participate in, choosing instead to marry quietly and throw a party for your friends, which you included them in primarily because you were obliged.
All fine if your husband has his reasons. However, if that's the way it is, the other side of the coin is his sister is not going to act like your party is more important than her house sale, buy you a gift and arrive expecting to be a central figure in a family photo.
Clearly you have married into a family where relationships are not optimum. The best thing for a pleasant life is to accept that and manage your expectations. Because wading into the fray with your own grievances against your in laws is only going to fuel the fire and make relationships worse between your husband and his folks.
I've seen it many times. Fragile family relationships made ten times more stressful by partners joining in with their own complaints and egging their spouse on to greater disgruntlement. It causes so much unnecessary drama and makes the partner with the poor family relationship feel worse.

Thank you 🙏

Yeah, I get this. Thank you for taking the time for your reply.