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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband’s sister treatment at our wedding reception

671 replies

PalmTreeAngel · 19/04/2025 20:54

We had our wedding reception party a week ago, and my husband’s sister not only arrived late… but she only got us a card and no gift. Meanwhile, I’ve received very nice gifts from new colleagues I’ve met from work and my mum’s friends.

The reason she arrived late (along with her husband and two young daughters) is because they had a last minute viewing on their house.

AIBU to feel hurt and insulted by this?

I have tried talking to my husband about this, but he just shrugs it off. He feels similar to me, but won’t do anything about it or say anything to her. I think he ought to say something, but that’s me. They’re a very avoidant family, but I like to raise how I feel with others (with the hopes that we work through it of course).

OP posts:
SallyWD · 20/04/2025 07:34

We eloped. I think most people didn't give us gifts.
To be honest, I don't understand why you want a gift so badly. Presumably you've been living together for a while and have everything you need. Why do you want more stuff or money?
I really, really wouldn't be upset about this. Your poor DH having to put up with you repeatedly moaning about his sister.

gannett · 20/04/2025 07:34

FWIW the lateness doesn't matter; and whereas I personally would have brought you a gift, you absolutely cannot ever actually complain to someone that they didn't do so.

Original poster
PalmTreeAngel · 20/04/2025 07:34

SlagPit · 20/04/2025 07:32

So is every wedding and wedding party narcissistic now?

It wasn't a wedding or a wedding party. It was just a party.

No, it wasn’t. And none of my friends or family would agree with you.

OP posts:
tooksometime · 20/04/2025 07:34

One week after a monumental celebration in your life… your wedding reception, and you’re angrily posting about this? THIS is what you’re focussing on mere days after your marriage.

i guess the honeymoon didn’t go well!

SlagPit · 20/04/2025 07:36

My birthday is in April. If I have a party in November, and insist that all my friends call it a birthday party and buy me gifts, even though I didn't invite them to my actual birthday party, am I right or are they just playing along to humour me (possibly because they know I'll throw a tantrum if they don't)?

Original poster
PalmTreeAngel · 20/04/2025 07:37

SallyWD · 20/04/2025 07:34

We eloped. I think most people didn't give us gifts.
To be honest, I don't understand why you want a gift so badly. Presumably you've been living together for a while and have everything you need. Why do you want more stuff or money?
I really, really wouldn't be upset about this. Your poor DH having to put up with you repeatedly moaning about his sister.

I’m not repeatedly moaning. He was the one who brought it up. He’s upset by it. I’ve said to him it’s a relationship he might need to work on, not me. It only upset me that nearly everyone gifted and she didn’t. I’ve interpreted that as a slight. It’s the lack of gesture, not being grabby. Shame people think I am.

OP posts:
EatMoreChocolate44 · 20/04/2025 07:37

I agree with you OP. Maybe the lateness couldn't be helped but she should have given you a gift. When I got married friends of my parents, husbands parents etc sent us gifts, same as people who worked with us (who weren't invited). Totally unnecessary & unexpected but very kind and very much appreciated. People can be so so generous. I also get what your saying, it's not how much, it's more the gesture. And it was a party to celebrate your wedding which I presume you paid for and you fed the guests. I would let it go but not very kind on her (& her husband's) part. My sister didn't get me anything for my wedding in which she was invited to the whole day, got fed, wine, did a reading at the ceremony etc and I obviously didn't say anything but always felt it was bad craic.

OfficerChurlish · 20/04/2025 07:37

The lack of gift wouldn't bother me - but I often find that etiquette around engagements, weddings, and such is very socially specific. She may have genuinely misunderstood what others would be doing, especially if she's not close to others who attended? I'd probably assume that, anyway. The lateness would bother me IF she knew that family pictures were being taken at x time and she was invited to participate; in that case she should have let you know in advance to push the time back/leave her out, or texted you to go ahead without her.

Since it's your husband's sister I'd let him take the lead own how to handle it. But you also said she doesn't talk to him, so perhaps you were the one that invited her/normally would have contact with her? It seems like if the two of you don't really interact with her on a regular basis, it's not worth a lot of time and energy to be angry or worry about what to do - just either don't invite her next time, or don't expect anything of her if you do.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 20/04/2025 07:38

PalmTreeAngel · 20/04/2025 07:27

I’m sorry, but I don’t have to invite her to our wedding ceremony. Why are you seeing this as a slight against her? It was for parents only…

Show quote history

And she doesn't have to buy you a gift🤷

Sofiewoo · 20/04/2025 07:40

PalmTreeAngel · 19/04/2025 21:00

No not really. I’m not that ridiculous - but I happen to think a wedding is a very important event!

Show quote history

Obviously not that close as you didn’t invite them to yours!

Original poster
PalmTreeAngel · 20/04/2025 07:41

EatMoreChocolate44 · 20/04/2025 07:37

I agree with you OP. Maybe the lateness couldn't be helped but she should have given you a gift. When I got married friends of my parents, husbands parents etc sent us gifts, same as people who worked with us (who weren't invited). Totally unnecessary & unexpected but very kind and very much appreciated. People can be so so generous. I also get what your saying, it's not how much, it's more the gesture. And it was a party to celebrate your wedding which I presume you paid for and you fed the guests. I would let it go but not very kind on her (& her husband's) part. My sister didn't get me anything for my wedding in which she was invited to the whole day, got fed, wine, did a reading at the ceremony etc and I obviously didn't say anything but always felt it was bad craic.

Thank you - I’m glad someone is a bit more understanding! It was an absolutely gorgeous day, there was free drinks, gorgeous food, live band, wedding cake, favours, flowers etc etc. I think it’s poor form from a sister to only come with a card. Even a bottle of wine or something would’ve been a nice gesture. It’s the principle.

OP posts:
tooksometime · 20/04/2025 07:41

PalmTreeAngel · 20/04/2025 07:37

I’m not repeatedly moaning. He was the one who brought it up. He’s upset by it. I’ve said to him it’s a relationship he might need to work on, not me. It only upset me that nearly everyone gifted and she didn’t. I’ve interpreted that as a slight. It’s the lack of gesture, not being grabby. Shame people think I am.

Show quote history

The two of you
newly married
and the pair of you are either angry / pissed off / hurt / upset

sad times for this pair of newlyweds!

Sofiewoo · 20/04/2025 07:41

It’s the lack of gesture, not being grabby.

This doesn’t make sense, surely the gesture was the card to make the occasion? It is grabby to moan there’s no cash inside.

tooksometime · 20/04/2025 07:42

Op, do you have any children?

Niallig32839 · 20/04/2025 07:44

It’s rude and you would expect immediate family to be there on time and get a gift. From my experience I’ve learned not to always expect people to act how I would in situations and expect them to act how they have shown me they previously will to avoid disappointment. For example my dad is always late, disorganised and last min ride by the seat of your pants kind of man. It really annoys me as I like to know plans in advance, timings, make bookings well in advance etc. it causes me stress but none to him and a waste of my energy.

Your partners sister has shown herself to be a bit thoughtless and not showing you the same care you would so going forward prepare to be disappointed and upset at her actions and try to accept that’s how she will be. Doesn’t mean don’t invite them to things or cut ties just know they might not act how you would.

SallyWD · 20/04/2025 07:44

PalmTreeAngel · 20/04/2025 07:37

I’m not repeatedly moaning. He was the one who brought it up. He’s upset by it. I’ve said to him it’s a relationship he might need to work on, not me. It only upset me that nearly everyone gifted and she didn’t. I’ve interpreted that as a slight. It’s the lack of gesture, not being grabby. Shame people think I am.

Show quote history

Well you said you tried talking to him and he shrugged it off so he clearly doesn't want to talk about it.
I'd just let it go. I don't see how talking to her would help.
I don't see it as a snub. If she wanted to snub you, she wouldn't have come to the party. Honestly, I'm quite a gift giver but if I hadn't been invited to a wedding, I can imagine thinking I didn't need to take a present to a party that happened after the event.
If I was you I'd let it go. I wouldn't assume the worst about her - just that she thought people wouldn't be bringing gifts or that she was disorganised or that she didn't know what to get.

Zippedydodah · 20/04/2025 07:44

crockofshite · 19/04/2025 20:56

Are you going to spend your whole married life picking away at your new husband's sister every time she doesn't live up to your expectations?

You sound like my ghastly SIL……. Champion nitpicker who never has a good word to say about anyone, just like her mother, my MIL.

Original poster
PalmTreeAngel · 20/04/2025 07:45

Sofiewoo · 20/04/2025 07:41

It’s the lack of gesture, not being grabby.

This doesn’t make sense, surely the gesture was the card to make the occasion? It is grabby to moan there’s no cash inside.

And did I moan about there being no cash inside? No.

I think I might leave it there guys. I have to say, I’m genuinely surprised by many people’s responses. I guess I have different etiquette to most. How a couple chooses to get married is up to them, but I certainly wouldn’t turn up empty handed to a party. But then I am the kind of person who would always come with a bottle of wine if I was invited round for dinner.

OP posts:
Twoormore · 20/04/2025 07:45

PalmTreeAngel · 20/04/2025 07:41

Thank you - I’m glad someone is a bit more understanding! It was an absolutely gorgeous day, there was free drinks, gorgeous food, live band, wedding cake, favours, flowers etc etc. I think it’s poor form from a sister to only come with a card. Even a bottle of wine or something would’ve been a nice gesture. It’s the principle.

Show quote history

But you said your DH and his sister don't talk to each other.

More to deal with than a wedding present.

BangersAndGnash · 20/04/2025 07:46

PalmTreeAngel · 19/04/2025 21:00

No not really. I’m not that ridiculous - but I happen to think a wedding is a very important event!

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To which you didn’t invite them…

You say his family is ‘avoidant’. Maybe SIL is really hurt that her brother eloped and didn’t invite her.

They clearly need to sell their house and don’t want to turn fine viewers.

You want to be aggressive and confrontational and tell her what you think of her.

What exactly do you hope to achieve by that?

Parker231 · 20/04/2025 07:46

PalmTreeAngel · 20/04/2025 07:41

Thank you - I’m glad someone is a bit more understanding! It was an absolutely gorgeous day, there was free drinks, gorgeous food, live band, wedding cake, favours, flowers etc etc. I think it’s poor form from a sister to only come with a card. Even a bottle of wine or something would’ve been a nice gesture. It’s the principle.

Show quote history

Sounds like you expected a gift of equal value to the costs of the food you drink. You invite people for their company and not the monetary value of any gift they might bring.

Sofiewoo · 20/04/2025 07:49

PalmTreeAngel · 20/04/2025 07:45

And did I moan about there being no cash inside? No.

I think I might leave it there guys. I have to say, I’m genuinely surprised by many people’s responses. I guess I have different etiquette to most. How a couple chooses to get married is up to them, but I certainly wouldn’t turn up empty handed to a party. But then I am the kind of person who would always come with a bottle of wine if I was invited round for dinner.

Show quote history

Well yeah, when you repeatedly went on about the lack of gift and then tried to spin it as a lack of effort or gesture when actually the card is the thoughtful gesture.

You can’t elope and not invite people to your wedding and then get upset when they don’t get you a gift.

MadamCholetsbonnet · 20/04/2025 07:49

SlagPit · 20/04/2025 07:21

Your divaish entitlement is off the scale. Stamping your foot and sulking because she wasn't on time to your party? When she's trying to sell her house and probably has a lot on her mind?

It wasn't a wedding and it wasn't a wedding reception, as much as you try and pretend it is to justify your princess behaviour.

This sums it up.

And it must be obvious to you, having read this thread, that actually no, many people who attended your party did not consider it a wedding reception.

Original poster
PalmTreeAngel · 20/04/2025 07:49

Parker231 · 20/04/2025 07:46

Sounds like you expected a gift of equal value to the costs of the food you drink. You invite people for their company and not the monetary value of any gift they might bring.

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Nah, I just think it’s a nice gesture. It doesn’t have to be of the same value, that’s unnecessary. It’s more the fact that it’s a sibling that I’m feeling let down by.

Trust me, she wasn’t disappointed about not coming to our wedding. I can 100% say that.

OP posts:
gannett · 20/04/2025 07:50

PalmTreeAngel · 20/04/2025 07:45

And did I moan about there being no cash inside? No.

I think I might leave it there guys. I have to say, I’m genuinely surprised by many people’s responses. I guess I have different etiquette to most. How a couple chooses to get married is up to them, but I certainly wouldn’t turn up empty handed to a party. But then I am the kind of person who would always come with a bottle of wine if I was invited round for dinner.

Show quote history

I would also bring gifts, wine etc to those occasions but I also wouldn't judge someone I loved if they didn't. Maybe there are financial circumstances I don't know about. Maybe it was an etiquette gaffe - they're easy to make and I'm sure both you and I have made plenty. The point is that if I love someone enough to invite them to my wedding, whether they bring a gift or not simply doesn't matter, because I value them as part of my life anyway.