Husband’s sister treatment at our wedding reception

[PalmTreeAngel]

We had our wedding reception party a week ago, and my husband’s sister not only arrived late… but she only got us a card and no gift. Meanwhile, I’ve received very nice gifts from new colleagues I’ve met from work and my mum’s friends.

The reason she arrived late (along with her husband and two young daughters) is because they had a last minute viewing on their house.

AIBU to feel hurt and insulted by this?

I have tried talking to my husband about this, but he just shrugs it off. He feels similar to me, but won’t do anything about it or say anything to her. I think he ought to say something, but that’s me. They’re a very avoidant family, but I like to raise how I feel with others (with the hopes that we work through it of course).

You effectively told your potential guests:

'Getting married somewhere beautiful and expensive and exclusive is much more important to us than celebrating this with our friends/family'..

It is hardly surprising then that some guests in turn said 'our real lives are much more important than your party'.

I often wonder if people are telling the truth when they write threads about not being given anything and claim 'just a card would have done'.......here certainly it seems a card was not enough.

I would have given you a wedding present at the time of your wedding. It wouldn't have occurred to me to describe this party as your reception. I can see why they were a bit late if they're trying to sell their house, got a last minute viewing, and were coming to what to them (and to me.....and many others) is just a party without a ceremony to be exactly on time for. I would have been very surprised to find a photographer there, I would expect the formal photography part to have been at the actual wedding.

This sums the situation up perfectly.

You don't understand that we don't see some little party after an abroad elopement is anything special. You clearly see it differently, but having a party way after the wedding and actually expecting people to see it as a reception and formal part of the wedding is crazy. You chose to do it in a disjointed way which means to most people it is not a wedding reception at all. It just sounds like a bs reason for a get together. I wouldn't consider it a proper wedding reception either, just a family gathering at your house or somewhere. The whole thing sounds like bs and not a real wedding. I wouldn't even attend, would send a card but not a present as the wedding had been and gone, so a waste of time - so be thankful she attended. If you choose to do things in an odd and disjointed way, don't be surprised when people know very well it is not an actual wedding reception so don't put in an effort. You messed up. It's on you.

Did you really say private elopement 😁😁

They were rude arriving late but understand them prioritising their house sale. Not getting a gift is odd, maybe they plan to transfer some money and forgot.

Since when do all guests turn up at a set time to what seems like an after thought party.

You sound more annoyed that she didnt get you a gift. It comes across as quite grabby.

Start reflecting on yourself if you want good relationships with your husbands family. If you dont, continue as you are.

It was just a party, not a wedding. She eloped. Which is fine but then she shouldnt be expecting gifts.

Was she actually invited to the ceremony its self or only the party?

I heard years ago that the wedding gift should reflect the fact that you were bought dinner. So if I was invited to an evening do, ( this had only happened twice) I would probably bring a card only. For a sit down dinner invitation, I would buy a gift.

in this way, you are reflecting back at them how they ‘place’ you status wise. If you didn’t invite them to the ceremony or a dinner, you are saying to them ‘you aren’t important enough for me to need you at a key event or important enough to buy you dinner. You are merely important enough to make up numbers at drinks later and make me look like I am popular in photos.’’ The fact that you wanted her to be in photos is again all about you , rather than her.

She is reflecting back your treatment of her. Good thing is, neither of you ever have to remember birthday presents going forward.

The OP didn't think much about family celebrating with them when they fucked off abroad to get married.

Which is fine, but then you don't get a set of formal family photos or a ton of gifts. And trying to sell your house is just as important as a party.

I'd be upset at first but would let it go eventually.

Also, you shouldn't do things for people thinking they owe you something back. You do things for people because you want to and you have a good heart.

Gosh who actually cares ? You sound like a total bridezilla. Why should they get a gift for you when you had your actual wedding abroad. I can’t believe you are suggesting your DH should raise this, it’s unbelievable

Because they didn't attend your wedding.
Not sure how that is hard to comprehend?

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to….

What was wrong with asking? From what you have written doesnt sound rude?

If an evening party starts at 7pm most people wouldn’t arrive before 7.30-8pm anyway surely, I wouldn’t class that as being late. Unless you specifically told her I need you there at 7 for photos.

I wouldn’t focus on the gift, it’s grabby and crass to say anything to her about the no gift, please don’t encourage your poor husband to bring this up with his Sister.

To YOU it was your wedding party, but to everyone else it was just a party to celebrate your wedding that you went and had privately.
I hate to break it to you, but if you exclude people from the actual wedding, you can’t expect them to be falling over themselves when you invite them to a celebratory party back home. To most people, the two things are quite separate. You have already done the wedding thing, this is just a party.

You’ve chosen to do things differently, which is fine, but you’ll have to accept that it might mean people respond differently to how you might hope they will.

Let it go. Life is too short to worry about insignificant things.

The only really important thing is your marriage - not the wedding, cake, cards or gifts.

It's a bit rich for you to accuse her of poor taste when your major gripe is No Present!

Was this a sit down meal reception that you threw for yourselves? If that is the case then they were rude to show up late. If it was just a party then who cares?

re the gift, it would have been nice if they bought something for you but you a lot of people find throwing a party after wedding abroad is just a gift grab, you do come across as grabby.

You don’t invite someone to any type of party so that you can get a present. You’re inviting them to enjoy their company.

I feel like a lot of people are misunderstanding me. I’m not being grabby and demanding a present. I sat down to write thank you cards yesterday, and other than a couple of non-close friends, everyone else gifted something. It’s more the gesture of it. I understand the lateness too, but combined with only a card, I’m interpreting it in a certain way.

It only became apparent as I was writing a list of thank you cards when I became reflective of her actions. Anyway, thanks for all the responses. It’s been very eye-opening. I still don’t view this simply as a party and none of my friends or family did either. I am glad that she came, and my husband and I had a fantastic time, and we are really happy.

Perhaps your husband's sister, having been devoted to him her entire life, thinks their relationship is strong enough that material gifts are meaningless in comparison. I don't know.

I think if a sibling didn't get me a wedding present it would annoy me slightly at most; I'd be pretty damn pissed off if they didn't invite me to their own wedding ceremony, however.

It sounds as though perhaps you care more about pretty photos and material possessions than you do about personal relationships.

They are not close siblings. She wasn’t fussed about not coming to our wedding ceremony. We see them maybe once or twice a year. She doesn’t talk to my husband. They wouldn’t have come anyway.

I am just going to match her energy, and not bother too much with that relationship I guess.

Nobody is misunderstanding you. They are disagreeing with you. There is a difference.

You and your husband excluded her from your actual wedding. Actions speak words and have consequences.