Husband’s sister treatment at our wedding reception

[PalmTreeAngel]

We had our wedding reception party a week ago, and my husband’s sister not only arrived late… but she only got us a card and no gift. Meanwhile, I’ve received very nice gifts from new colleagues I’ve met from work and my mum’s friends.

The reason she arrived late (along with her husband and two young daughters) is because they had a last minute viewing on their house.

AIBU to feel hurt and insulted by this?

I have tried talking to my husband about this, but he just shrugs it off. He feels similar to me, but won’t do anything about it or say anything to her. I think he ought to say something, but that’s me. They’re a very avoidant family, but I like to raise how I feel with others (with the hopes that we work through it of course).

It wasn’t a wedding though. It was just a party so that Bridezilla could get attention and presents, even though you had decided to elope and rule both of your families out of going to an actual wedding! Talk about wanting to have your cake and eat it! I think a card is fine in those circumstances, I wouldn’t have brought a present either. You sound like a self-centred PITA and now you also want to shit-stir between your DH and his sister? Grow up ffs.

Most people would invite their siblings to the wedding 🤷🏻‍♀️

Pretty sure my SIL didn’t give a gift for our wedding, which they attended in another country. We all had a blast, not everyone gifted. It’s fine. She got married ten years later, we couldn’t attend (we live on another continent) and the wedding wasn’t planned around us attending. We didn’t send them a gift I don’t think. It’s fine, doesn’t mean they don’t like you, don’t respect you etc etc. just get over it.

But not important enough to invite your family to.

If you elope, you can't expect wedding presents. Yes, some people might choose to give you one, but expecting it is very unreasonable.

You just invited people to a party, not a wedding.

You sound very spoilt.

No not really. I’m not that ridiculous - but I happen to think a wedding is a very important event!

Yeah, for YOU. You obviously didn't think your wedding was that important for the fam cos you didn't invite them. I'm not shading eloping - I think it's great. But this has a feeling of trying to have your cake and eat it.

If I had eloped, I honestly wouldn’t expect any gifts from anyone.

Are you trying to cause a family rift?

It is clear that you have a very different view of this event than your sister in law. She wasn't unreasonable.

I don’t think this is something to worry about. I can’t remember if my brother gave my DH and I anything at our wedding but my DH and I would not be fussed either way. I guess it depends on family context etc.
Re coming late, unless a time for photos was specified or there was a known order of events, then they may well have thought of it as a normal party when it doesn’t matter too much the precise time you arrive.
I’m hoping you enjoyed the party, so no need to get hung up on the small stuff and start things on the back foot when there is surely so much to celebrate.

A lot of posters are being unnecessarily harsh, and many would probably feel the same as you OP if it happened to them.

However, I think as the ceremony wasn't part of it, not everyone would see the need to turn up exactly on time to what was actually a party, albeit to celebrate your wedding. It's just normal to feel that's ok imo. Did you tell everyone photos would be at the beginning?

I think the lack of a gift was really off though. No one goes to a wedding celebration without taking a gift.

I don't think you should say anything though. It would just cause trouble and gain nothing.

I eloped too... I didn't any expect gifts as that goes with the territory.

Sounds like you want your cake and eat it if you bypass the usual wedding hoo-ha and still expect gifts to be showered on you. That's pretty entitled. As for SIL being late for the party, they had a good reason. You probably need to adjust your expectations if you don't want to get off on the wrong foot with his family.

That’s because it’s you who is throwing it and the reason for throwing it is important to you. I mean this with kindness but to everyone else, it is just a party. A lovely party, where they get to celebrate something that’s important and lovely with you, but still, just a party.

Why are you so upset she didn’t get you a gift? The card signifies her best wishes. Aren’t they more important than some wine glasses? You’ve had the wedding. If you married abroad then I’m guessing you’ve had the honeymoon. If you lived together beforehand then it’s unlikely you need to furnish your home and you don’t need contributions towards your honeymoon, so what do you want gifts for?

You’ve just joined this family and, hopefully, you’ll be in that family for the rest of your lifespan, all being well. Do you really want to start a feud over something like this? Something so small? She’s not been horrible to you, has she? She wasn’t upset with you that the wedding was only open to your respective parents, was she? I understand that, to you, this is part of your wedding, but you’re sounding a bit like a spoilt child annoyed because they wanted more presents.

If she’s late to your event because she’s had a house viewing then she’s obviously very keen to sell. She’s probably having to rush around getting stuff done and paying for all sorts of things. You have no idea how pressure she’s under, how much time she has on her hands or how much cash she has. Maybe it didn’t occur to her that you’d be expecting a gift?

My advice to you is to let this go. There will be plenty of reasons to get upset with her in the future, because families generally annoy each other over the years. But I don’t think that this was an intentional snub or a statement of how she feels about you and your DH.

We eloped and didn’t expect any presents. To our surprise we received quite a few, and some good friends arranged a surprise meal with a wedding cake, it was lovely.

If there isn’t an actual wedding that guests can attend, I see no reason to expect presents 🤷‍♀️

I think many people feel a bit cheated by a party like this as you've had the wedding to which barely anyone else was invited and now you want it to be treated like a normal wedding reception by your guests. As you've seen, even though you spent a lot of money on it, for some it is just a party. It sounds like her nose was put out of joint by her brother marrying out of sight and she's let you know by her actions what she thinks of it. You can do things how you want to but no one else has to like it.

Stop banging on about it being a ‘reception party’ - that’s not even a thing. There’s only a wedding reception, which follows the ceremony on the same day as the wedding. What you had was just a party several weeks after your ‘private elopement’. If you were so worried about having the attention, family photos and presents (clearly the most important aspect to you), then you should have had a conventional wedding, shouldn’t you? 🙄

Years ago, a very helpful and wise friend of mine explained that your gift at any event was directly proportionate to what the host had spent on you. So a wedding, where you and a plus one have been fed, watered and entertained all day = a socking great gift.

A reception party where you’ve done - what? Put a drink behind the bar? Doesn’t equal a gift, particularly for family who may be hurt about being left out. And a party doesn’t demand punctuality either. Give your head a wobble and don’t go seeking trouble in your new marriage.

It's a party. You can call it part of the wedding, but it's perfectly reasonable for someone not to see it that way.

You didn't give them the option to go to your wedding. They weren't invited.

Nonsense. Your friend is ridiculous. I don’t invite people to events and expect them to spend what I’ve spent towards their meal etc on a gift. I invite people because I want them there

Nonsense. Your friend was neither helpful nor wise. You give a gift you want to and are capable of. That is all.

I wouldn’t have minded, selling your home is pretty important stuff. Picking fights with your new DH family this early in proceedings is seriously ill-advised!

Just leave it, not worth worrying about, especially as it was an evening reception. She probably thought an hour here or there would make no difference, many people would. I doubt it was meant as an affront.

She gave you a card, you may receive a gift later on, not everyone brings presents to the wedding or reception. Some people who have been living together for a while and have their home, don't have gifts. If suggested they ask for a charity donation or something like that.

Put it behind you, you're a grown up. A house viewing is important!

Omg why the hell are you bothered about a gift ?!
plus it’s not a wedding it a reception party so it’s fair enough
your dh should tell you to back off

And your wedding didn't include any guests.
🤣🤣🤣

I don’t think wedding reception parties weeks after the wedding are “a thing.” I might take a small gift but I wouldn’t think it was horribly bad form not to TBH. I think you need to let this go. I can’t really believe that this is what you’re focussing on as a newlywed. It does not bode well.

A sibling of mine had a wedding party weeks after a destination wedding. AFAIK everyone gave gifts, which was remarkably generous, particularly as it was no more than 3 years since their first marriage, which barely lasted a year! Our parents were mortified!