Husband’s sister treatment at our wedding reception

[PalmTreeAngel]

We had our wedding reception party a week ago, and my husband’s sister not only arrived late… but she only got us a card and no gift. Meanwhile, I’ve received very nice gifts from new colleagues I’ve met from work and my mum’s friends.

The reason she arrived late (along with her husband and two young daughters) is because they had a last minute viewing on their house.

AIBU to feel hurt and insulted by this?

I have tried talking to my husband about this, but he just shrugs it off. He feels similar to me, but won’t do anything about it or say anything to her. I think he ought to say something, but that’s me. They’re a very avoidant family, but I like to raise how I feel with others (with the hopes that we work through it of course).

Was it a sit-down wedding meal? Did their lateness impact on your enjoyment of the party in any way?

FWIW my ILs didn't get us a wedding present and they were at the wedding, reception and evening reception. I wasn't bothered either way!

Think of the money you will save if you adopt her attitude to present giving!!

Honestly 26 years later neither of us could say with any conviction who got us what.
My SiL is the most caring lovely person and neither of us can remember what we got each other for wedding gifts. All that counts for us is our love & care for each others family. I guess that makes us lucky?

A ‘wedding reception party’ isn’t a thing. It’s not a wedding, nor is it a wedding g reception. Ergo, no need for precise timekeeping or gifts.

No, i wouldn't

So it wasn’t a wedding, it was a party some time after your actual wedding, where you eloped so nobody could attend.
Maybe she was pissed off that her brother married in secret.

So your actual issue is that she only got you a card?

I'm sorry, didn't realise people got married for gifts but wait, this wasn't even a wedding. It was a party well after the wedding.

You should be thankful at a card and the fact she was there.

You seem grabby. That's not your SIL's fault.

He maybe doesn't give a fuck about his sister and consequently doesn't understand why you do.

I think gifts from siblings and parents at weddings are different anyway.
Most regular friends and family will do money/ bottle of champagne as a courtesy.
It seems daft getting generic gifts from those closest to you.

But it wasn't a wedding. It was a party, not directly after the wedding.

It's was who knows how long after the wedding and you seem to have only thrown the party to get gifts.

So you wanted the private wedding and a wedding party to include family photographs?

Sounds cheap - you either invite everyone to the wedding or you don’t - but don’t expect gifts!

We eloped - we didn’t get gifts - we had a house and 3 children so pretty set up!

Ohh get over it. You have a lifetime partnership to work on.

What?

Who cared what time he showed up to meet your child?
You waited in the delivery suite for him? That’s bizarre behaviour.

You didn’t invite them to your wedding. They just thought timings were a bit more flexible as it was more of a party than witnessing a union. Unless you specified a time for family photos that is.

You sound like you are being a little bit of a diva. You got married abroad in the way you wanted. Great. The party you had at home will not be seen in the same way as a proper wedding, so some people will take a more casual approach.

OP - "some people are being quite nasty on here" oh, boo fucking hoo.

You can argue until the cows come home but it was just a party. Nothing to do with a wedding, you just slapped that on to it so you got maximum gifts and now you're pissed off because SIL didn't get you a gift and dared to only get you a card.

You sound like hard work. You seem to have gotten married for gifts so I doubt she'll be your SIL for long.

Congratulations on your wedding!
It’s rude of them to be late especially if it was a dinner, unless of course it’s an emergency which held them up. But it’s best to let it go, pretend not to notice their rudeness and never draw attention to it.

Sorry OP, but it’s also ill-mannered to draw attention to not having been given a gift. Even though it’s good manners to acknowledge the invitation with a gift, nobody is entitled to be given a gift. A gift is gifted. It’s not something you should expect, it’s something you give grateful thanks for having received, if you are lucky enough to receive it. You invited them for their presence because you wanted them there, you wanted to host them and it’s on you to graciously thank them for coming (even if they were late). Your celebratory dinner wasn’t an exchange of favours…a meal in exchange for a gift….you wanted them there so that you could celebrate your marriage with them. A gift is an extra bonus.

My advice again is to let it go and don’t complain about it to your husband any more. It’s best not to highlight the faults in others, especially your new husband’s family.

This wedding party was clearly very important to you and sounds as if to you it was the equivalent of the “UK wedding” .With that in mind YANBU to upset that they were late only if they knew this is how you felt about the party and had been told beforehand about the wedding pictures. Otherwise as many many PP have said as an evening guest for a wedding it’s often seen as a window of time to arrive not a fixed time. Sometimes with weddings people get fixated on what they thought the day would look like and it’s understandably upsetting that that expectation wasn’t met.

Re gift - I also would have found it a bit strange if my SIL didn’t give a gift however I genuinely could never in a million years consider confronting someone because they hadn’t given us a gift. It would be far too awkward, you will just come across as a bit of a dick and you’re still unlikely to get a gift 🤣. If you want to feel upset about it by all means do but it won’t change anything and you could be enjoying. The aftermath of a lovely celebration with friends and family instead.

A lot of people on here are acting as if a wedding is for the guests.

Did you really mean to say this, OP?

@Salad666Blimey what a mean comment. Kicking people on the internet your thing?

I didn’t get my brother a gift- he had given us a huge amount of money for our wedding so my thought process was that either I give him that amount or something comparable in sentimental value. Our apartment had plumbing issues at the time, had just paid out for car to be fixed and with the cost of staying in the hotel we had very little so money was out. That also dampened chances of getting a good present. I felt so guilty but have made up for it over the years. Op honestly if this is your biggest problem you’re fine!

Well yes, you attended their wedding…you were invited to their wedding. They weren’t invited to yours!

It was a party, not a wedding. People don’t tend to be as precise about starting times for parties. Nor do they generally buy wedding gifts for couples who don’t invite them to the wedding.

I agree! I was just trying to illustrate that siblings are not always the best at thinking about others. He didn’t live locally and visiting hours were long over so as I remember it we were told once we’d left the suite he couldn’t get in. He definitely knew we waiting. Bear in mind I was shattered and not really in the best state to say ‘fuck that I’m off to the ward’ I stupidly went along with waiting for him. I absolutely would have preferred to head off for a sleep! To be honest that was pretty much the norm for said brother in law as he could do no wrong at the time. He has since apologised.

The lack of a gift wouldn't bother me.
I'm usually very unimpressed when peopl are late, but the trouble is that they knew it wasn't a proper wedding - just a few photos.
As it sounds as if you don't like your sister-in-law, then surely you'll be happy not to have her in the photos?
If you want to start your marriage in a positive way, then I think this whole "issue" is best forgotten, and definitely not mentioned.

YABU OP, and 89% of MN voters currently agree!

It was definitely more of a party though, rather than a wedding, despite that being what you were celebrating. The actual event didn't take place on the same day, so I don't think it has the same gift-giving requirements as a guest would have if they attended an evening reception for a wedding. Even then, ime not all guests give gifts if they're only attending the evening reception.

Selling a house is incredibly stressful and I can easily understand them delaying to accept a viewing on their property.

I'm sorry your SIL overlooking a wedding present has upset you, but she is going to be your SIL for a while (hopefully forever), and it's not worth holding a grudge and making things awkward.

I agree. Most people would buy a wedding gift for their sibling no matter how the wedding was held. @PalmTreeAngel you're getting a bit of a hard time here I think.

Can't believe you sat down and worked out what percentage of your party guests, the vast majority of whom had not been invited to your actual wedding, gave you a wedding present. You're being a cheeky mare and you're in real danger of starting married life on the wrong foot by falling out with your new relatives over trivial grievances.